Fidelity? ... or, "Dear Abby ..." or, What Would You Do? ...

I'm going to offer an alternative explanation based on the assumption that 1. she's really upset with you about the strippers, and 2. she's passive aggressive and/or highly conflict averse. Neither may be correct, but I think they're plausible.

Anyway - you 'openly' share phones. If she were really cheating, she'd probably cover her traces better. I suspect she sent and left those messages there with the reasonable expectation you would notice them. Thus letting you know that there are other men in her life that she's interested in. Not nice, not mature, but possible.

You gave her tacit approval to go see her ex. You said that 'he wanted to see her', but you don't mention if she felt as strongly about that. Perhaps she took your suggestion as meaning that you don't really care if she leaves for her ex. Combine that with the strippers and perhaps she's feeling like you're not terribly invested.

Now - the sexy underwear. If she were really going off to shag her ex, don't you think she would have got dressed for it out of your sight? And when questioned, vehemently stated that she was definitely having dinner with friends, or some other concrete reason for the nice underwear. But she didn't, she said she 'might' have dinner with a girlfriend. My take on that is that she's testing you for commitment-related jealousy. Combined with the other events, it seems a reasonable hypothesis.

So, you have issues either way - bad communication or infidelity. At least have an open discussion about why she's acting this way before you decide she's cheating. Maybe she is, but she might not be. If you've already both invested time in the relationship, don't destroy it with paranoia and bad communication skills.

I am half your age so I immediately give myself (hopefully) only half the wisdom in this kind of situation. But maybe I can provide some insight from being outside of the situation your in.

Actions speak louder than words. Words can hurt but ultimately it is what we do with those words that lead to the actions that destroy relationships. Simple messages here and there, I would tolerate initially but in a long-term relationship I would never tolerate that talk between friends. 'Posturing' is one thing - but she is claiming herself for another man by saying 'his voice makes her melt'.

So what would I do? I would let her actions decide my own. I'd voice my frustration and, given that she may be retaliating to the gentlemens club scenario, I would compromise to not go to those places if it puts strain on the relationship under the condition that she compromise the 'posturing' - without going to the club to begin with, you take out her incentive to send something like that.

If her actions continue down the road of being disrespectful after you have also compromised your disrespectful actions, I would not tolerate it and give her an ultimatum - if she wants to flirt, she cannot do so in a relationship. So she is free to do so, but she'll lose me in the process.

It's a lot easier to say this on the outside and I can only imagine the feeling. But don't let this beat you! Think of it in terms of this saying:

"Don't let a moment of weakness turn into a moment of regret"

Good luck mate.