Fidelity? ... or, "Dear Abby ..." or, What Would You Do? ...

Nobody here can tell you what's acceptable in your own relationship.

For example, in mine we can flirt with the opposite sex, we can comment on someone else being 'hot', we can go to strip clubs, we can watch porn (together or apart) etc...etc.... However acting on any of this with someone OUTSIDE of our relationship is not acceptable.

Some of the things acceptable in my relationship may not be acceptable in someone else's.

What are your boundaries? What are hers? Do they match? Have you talked about this?

Be frank and open and discuss it. All of it. You'll get your answer. You'll know even in the way she discusses it. Overly defensive or attacking behavior is a red flag. Also, do you want to be with someone who will punish you every time you do something she doesn't like (without talking about it with you maturely)?

If she was upset about you going to a strip joint then she would have been texting that to her friend, not how she feels about her ex. Go with your gut, guts are usually correct.

Sucky situation...

I think that many people probably have an "ex" that they can say they still love and maybe even know that they have a weakness for that person, but it doesn't necessarily mean they desire a relationship with them... If she had come straight out and said that then I would say don't worry about it, but she didn't say that... She is being deceptive to herself, to you or to her girlfriend... Only you can decide how you feel about it and what you're comfortable accepting.

so sorry

In my opinion, going to a gentleman's club or watching porn is totally cheating. So don't be surprise if she wants a revenge, you're luky she's still with you, she probably wont cheat but makes everything to make you feel bad or jealous. Think twice before making choices that can hurt your gf's feeling.

If you look at a cheeseburger do you log that in your diary?

In my opinion, going to a gentleman's club or watching porn is totally cheating. So don't be surprise if she wants a revenge, you're luky she's still with you, she probably wont cheat but makes everything to make you feel bad or jealous. Think twice before making choices that can hurt your gf's feeling.

If you look at a cheeseburger do you log that in your diary?

LOVE LOVE LOVE IT:laugh:

I don't understand womens jealousy over strip clubs etc. Men and women are designed to admire and appreciate each other.
You don't switch your mind off when you get married.

**** I fantasie over lots of men . I wouldn't do anything with them though. Both my husband and I openly admire other people and I will point out an attractive female to him often. Its called trust and mutual appreciation.

It sounds very dodgey what your partner is doing and I would listen to your instinct. But hey she could just be unsure of her feelings and need to sort them out so leave her be for a few days and then sit down and have it out.

Move on if she doesn't want to be committed to you, you are still young and you both deserves to be in a happy fulfilling realtionship.

Well some people are just more open minded. If you have no problem with strip clubs, porn etc. thats great! In fact I would prefer to feel this way too. I just don't, I have my personal reasons, and who ever's not ok with that is not the right person for me. My bf wouldn't want me to go to a strip club eighter (men naked). There's nothing and no opinion in here you should make fun of, everyone has its reasons.

I'm going to offer an alternative explanation based on the assumption that 1. she's really upset with you about the strippers, and 2. she's passive aggressive and/or highly conflict averse. Neither may be correct, but I think they're plausible.

Anyway - you 'openly' share phones. If she were really cheating, she'd probably cover her traces better. I suspect she sent and left those messages there with the reasonable expectation you would notice them. Thus letting you know that there are other men in her life that she's interested in. Not nice, not mature, but possible.

You gave her tacit approval to go see her ex. You said that 'he wanted to see her', but you don't mention if she felt as strongly about that. Perhaps she took your suggestion as meaning that you don't really care if she leaves for her ex. Combine that with the strippers and perhaps she's feeling like you're not terribly invested.

Now - the sexy underwear. If she were really going off to shag her ex, don't you think she would have got dressed for it out of your sight? And when questioned, vehemently stated that she was definitely having dinner with friends, or some other concrete reason for the nice underwear. But she didn't, she said she 'might' have dinner with a girlfriend. My take on that is that she's testing you for commitment-related jealousy. Combined with the other events, it seems a reasonable hypothesis.

So, you have issues either way - bad communication or infidelity. At least have an open discussion about why she's acting this way before you decide she's cheating. Maybe she is, but she might not be. If you've already both invested time in the relationship, don't destroy it with paranoia and bad communication skills.

I am half your age so I immediately give myself (hopefully) only half the wisdom in this kind of situation. But maybe I can provide some insight from being outside of the situation your in.

Actions speak louder than words. Words can hurt but ultimately it is what we do with those words that lead to the actions that destroy relationships. Simple messages here and there, I would tolerate initially but in a long-term relationship I would never tolerate that talk between friends. 'Posturing' is one thing - but she is claiming herself for another man by saying 'his voice makes her melt'.

So what would I do? I would let her actions decide my own. I'd voice my frustration and, given that she may be retaliating to the gentlemens club scenario, I would compromise to not go to those places if it puts strain on the relationship under the condition that she compromise the 'posturing' - without going to the club to begin with, you take out her incentive to send something like that.

If her actions continue down the road of being disrespectful after you have also compromised your disrespectful actions, I would not tolerate it and give her an ultimatum - if she wants to flirt, she cannot do so in a relationship. So she is free to do so, but she'll lose me in the process.

It's a lot easier to say this on the outside and I can only imagine the feeling. But don't let this beat you! Think of it in terms of this saying:

"Don't let a moment of weakness turn into a moment of regret"

Good luck mate.