Divorced before 30

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  • chell53
    chell53 Posts: 356 Member
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    I was older than you when I got divorced. My X husband became a complete alcoholic, and was not initially when we were married, unless he hid it well. I had told him repeatedly from day 1- I have 0 tolerance for any type of addiction like alcoholism, drugs, or gambling. Went through that before him with an ex-boyfriend... never again. There was no saving it for me. We had no children so there was only us to consider. Divorcing him was one of the best things I ever did for myself.

    I never look at divorced people differently. If you are staying around strictly because of the "stigma" you may have after - that's not a good reason. I quickly checked your profile and you have under motivation:

    "I want my husband to fall in love with me all over again everyday"

    If that still holds true I would try to fix it if possible instead of worrying about what other people think....

    this is true.....you don't worry about what others think.....it is YOU who has to be happy, hopefully you are getting healthy for yourself not just for your husband??? You will make the right decision as I told my daughter follow your heart and weigh your odds.....
  • Momma2fourunder5
    Momma2fourunder5 Posts: 98 Member
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    My parents were divorced when I was 10, therefore I can't stand divorce! If there is cheating involved then that is a valid reason, however if you feel like you just don't love each other any more I don't think that is a valid reason. Love is a decision and that is why you vow for better or worse.
    I think most people think that after the divorce you will never have to see the ex or deal with them in your life again, but that is definitely not th case, especially if there are kids. And (from personal experience) if there are kids involved there is normally just as much arguing after the divorce between exes as before....so how about deciding to make it work and trying to remember why you fell in love to begin with? I agree with a previous poster about the FIreproof moive - that was awesome!!
  • sailingsal
    sailingsal Posts: 285 Member
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    i was married at 23, had a child at 25 and was separated at 26, divorced at 28. It was tough and my son didn't find it particularly hard at the time as he was 20months but is finding it tough as he's older and his dad got remarried this year. It can be tough to adjust to and move on, but if the relationship is really bad then you end up in a situation that its the only option!
  • auticus
    auticus Posts: 1,051 Member
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    I was 26 when I got divorced. My wife had a string of affairs, to include with being with friends of mine. She left me christmas 2003 for a lawyer friend of mine.

    2004 was hell. I don't really even remember it. I finished my degree that year and other then that stayed inside and had zero contact with the outside world.

    It happens. There aren't any real stereotypes that I can think of that you should worry yourself with. The only thing I will say to avoid is hopping into a relationship right out of the gate.
  • rileamoyer
    rileamoyer Posts: 2,411 Member
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    Separated from 10 year relationship at 29, divorce wasn't final for a year. However, the stigma of being divorced is nothing like it was in the 40s, 50s and early 60s. It was a trauma that I got through and came out the other side stronger and happier! It was worth the pain.
  • BassBoneBabe
    BassBoneBabe Posts: 226 Member
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    Divorced before 30 here, didn't like it. I would recomment fireproof / the love dare if you feel there is a chance to save your marriage.

    I would add on Gary Chapman's "The 5 Love Languages" as well.
  • kacylaine
    kacylaine Posts: 154 Member
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    My fiance is 28...We've been together for 4 years, and he's divorced. He got a divorce at 23, married at 19. He'll tell you that it was the hardest situation he was ever in, but he wouldn't change it for the world, because in his marriage he got his little girl, and after his marriage he got me. I wouldn't have changed it either, because his ex wife gave me the two greatest gifts of my life, my fiance and my step daughter. Divorce is an awful thing to have to go through, but there is life and hope and happiness on the other side! And screw anyone who wants to judge!!!!
  • jenilla1
    jenilla1 Posts: 11,118 Member
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    I just wish people would do it BEFORE they have kids...:cry: I've known several people in crappy marriages who tried to fix it by having kids. Bad idea...
  • Hambone23
    Hambone23 Posts: 486 Member
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    36 now, but I was separated by 29. 10 years together. It was as amiable as anyone could want since we didn't have kids or a home at that point -- we'd sold it to move the year before. We didn't do the legal work and actual divorce until last year or the year before, I think. I couldn't tell you why. He avoided it. I couldn't afford submitting the paperwork. I simply went on with my life. A year later, I started another relationship and am currently living with someone who is far more emotionally available and less neglectful.

    The grief I got most was from my parents. My mother told me I'd regret the decision all my life and didn't call me for 6 months. I was also hard on myself for being a "failure." There are days I do regret it and days I don't. I have days I miss him and days I don't even think about him. Relationships are difficult. No one really understands the dynamics of anyone else's marriage, so it's very narrow-minded to judge. But I'd have to say that the majority of people I meet are surprised when they hear I've already been married and divorced. I'm not sure what's going on in their head when they hear that, they've always been too tactful to say anything. But... -shrug-

    Here's the thing, though. Someone else in this thread pointed out your motivation. I totally get that. I wanted my husband to be in love with me, to show me he loved me. (Because he'd been more attentive and affectionate before we married.) Instead, I felt neglected and unseen. He was emotionally unavailable and unaffectionate. I tried so many different ways to make myself more appealing to my husband, thinking it was my fault he didn't love me more. It doesn't work like that, unfortunately. People are who they are, and sometimes, you simply can't change that. If it makes you unhappy, then you have to make the choice. And that's immensely hard. It was one of the hardest choices I ever made -- because I did like him as a person, I even loved him, but we felt like roommates, not husband and wife.

    I'll tell you that one of the things I hate the most about being divorced is filling out documents. Are you single, married, divorced, separated? Um, I'm not divorced -- like that's some sign they hang around your neck -- I'm single. I mean, wtf? Our very society seems to stigmatize it if you ask me.
  • Poohsta0
    Poohsta0 Posts: 147 Member
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    Divorced before 30 here, didn't like it. I would recomment fireproof / the love dare if you feel there is a chance to save your marriage.

    Both great resources to really think about getting things fixed.
  • KariQuiteContrary
    KariQuiteContrary Posts: 274 Member
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    Was married at 18 and divorced at 23. The only reason it probably lasted that long was because I got pregnant right off the bat and was too scared to be out on my own after that. So in essence, I was one of the people who tried to make it work "for the kids". While no one can say I didn't try to save my marriage, I do wish I had seen it for what it was and gotten out sooner. I didn't have the courage because, like you, I was worried about the social stigma. I put myself through the first three years of college working 2, sometimes 3 jobs to afford textbooks and gas for the 50 mile commute to school with no support whatsoever from my ex (he rarely helped with the daughter we had when I started school, never came to recitals/concerts/performances - I was a music ed major and now a music teacher so YEAH it was a big frickin deal to not be supported in that - and when I had our second daughter in the fall of my junior year he actually suggested that I give up my "stupid pipe dream" and stay at home where I belonged). I endured nearly 5 years of seemingly subtle but gradually increasing emotional abuse (and toward the end it did turn physical) that left me with self esteem issues that still resurface now 4 years later.

    I had suspicions before the wedding that I was making a mistake and was sure within two weeks after the wedding that I had made one, but didn't finally get the courage to leave until it was almost too late because I was so afraid of what other people would think of me. Yes, if a marriage is fixable (and everyone's definition of this is different) and there is still love, then by all means, you owe it to yourself to try. I'm not saying you're in the same type of situation. But if your heart isn't in this, you need to take yourself out. I knew in my heart that there was no fixing it. Divorce was painful and an absolutely hellish process for me, but I'm a better, happier, stronger person because I made the right choice for me. That's all you can do.
  • PirateGary
    PirateGary Posts: 19
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    Your first priority in this world is to yourself (minus kids) and you need to try to accept that not everyone’s going to agree with your choices. All you can do as a reasonable person is try to stay within society’s thicker lines, like not hurting people unnecessary and so forth. As for a divorce, an amicable divorce helps because people find that more comfortable and you’ll feel better about the outcome. Let’s face it; there are roughly 6.982 billion people on the planet. Picking and staying with any one of them a lifetime is more of a challenge than most people would admit. It’s hard and it’s not always going to work. Peace.
  • GouchisGirl
    GouchisGirl Posts: 321 Member
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    Got divorced at 27, but I think we all saw it coming before anyone ever said I do..... Never get married to try and make a situation right and NEVER stay married to please the rest of the world.....
  • PJilly
    PJilly Posts: 21,683 Member
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    My best friend was married at 18 and divorced by 21. She hasn't seemed to have had any issues because of it. I don't know what country you're in, and if you're in the US, which area, but generally, most people don't blink when they find out someone's divorced these days -- at least in the US.
    This was me. There is definitely life, and even successful marriage, after divorce. I remarried at 29 and am still very happily married and very much in love with my husband nearly 22 years later. :heart:

    ETA: I didn't mean to imply that I was the best friend you were talking about, LOL. Just that this was my same situation.
  • rockabillymama
    rockabillymama Posts: 117 Member
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    thanks everyone, this makes me feel alot better. It's not that i don't love my husband but certain changes have been begged to be changed for 3 years now (ex. him treating my older daughter the same way he treats OUR daughter. and the fact that he doesn't drive) it's been talked about...largely on my side for a very long time, but if these changes don;t happen we'll be stuck where we are forever, which isn't good for the kids or for us. We need to grow as a family together, and the road we're on isn't growing anywhere. It was a hard thing to have to face but it's all on him now to chose if his family is worth it. I know that sounds mean, but it's gotten to the point where I'm just really overwhelmed, and drowning in my prison.
  • Malani2010
    Malani2010 Posts: 245
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    My parents were divorced when I was 10, therefore I can't stand divorce! If there is cheating involved then that is a valid reason, however if you feel like you just don't love each other any more I don't think that is a valid reason. Love is a decision and that is why you vow for better or worse.
    I think most people think that after the divorce you will never have to see the ex or deal with them in your life again, but that is definitely not th case, especially if there are kids. And (from personal experience) if there are kids involved there is normally just as much arguing after the divorce between exes as before....so how about deciding to make it work and trying to remember why you fell in love to begin with? I agree with a previous poster about the FIreproof moive - that was awesome!!

    Just wondering what your point of view is on spousal abuse? That was my reason!! I am not trying to start anything I am just wondering!!!
  • EricNCSU
    EricNCSU Posts: 699 Member
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    I'm 31... and will be 32 by the time the divorce is final but my wife merely walked out on me... gave up. Didn't even try. It's tough but I've realized I'm better off without her.. And to the many previous posters about too many divorces and it being way to "easy" to get out of.. I've realized she's always looking for an easy shortcut for something. I won't get into details, but she married me at a time when it looked like that was the way to get what she wanted, and then left me when that seemed like the right thing to do.. always about her.. didn't care about me. Only together a little over 2 years.. what a waste.

    Obviously I'm too "fresh" to have noticed any stigma as a "divorcee" but I just wanted to let ya know I'm going through the same thing and I'm here for ya if you need support.
  • StarIsMoving
    StarIsMoving Posts: 437
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    Ok, well, since you didn't ask advice I won't give any - I will say - divorced twice before 30... and it was out of having no choice. First one was abusive, but I am thick-headed, but when he put the 302 British rifle to me, even I got that hint... the 2nd molested our daughter. The third marriage I have been in now for over 11 yrs, together over 13, and FINALLY found my prince :) I am the type I do not marry unless I mean forever, but if there is abuse, or other harmful activity, you do what you have to do. That was my situation. Was there a stigma? You betcha! But... ultimately a person has to worry about what is best for them, not others or what they will think. I have been excommunicated from a religion due to not going through annulment classes, I have been ignored in a church due to divorce... but... my faith is strong and I found where I "fit". I will not change MY life decisions based on stigma, opinion of others, or the fear of what I have to face ahead of me. I can't imagine divorce is easier at any age.
  • BobbyClerici
    BobbyClerici Posts: 813 Member
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    double - ouch!
  • BobbyClerici
    BobbyClerici Posts: 813 Member
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    My parents were divorced when I was 10, therefore I can't stand divorce! If there is cheating involved then that is a valid reason, however if you feel like you just don't love each other any more I don't think that is a valid reason. Love is a decision and that is why you vow for better or worse.
    I think most people think that after the divorce you will never have to see the ex or deal with them in your life again, but that is definitely not th case, especially if there are kids. And (from personal experience) if there are kids involved there is normally just as much arguing after the divorce between exes as before....so how about deciding to make it work and trying to remember why you fell in love to begin with? I agree with a previous poster about the FIreproof moive - that was awesome!!

    Just wondering what your point of view is on spousal abuse? That was my reason!! I am not trying to start anything I am just wondering!!!
    If he hits you one time, he will do it again. No man should ever hit his lady - EVER!
    That is a valid reason for not only divorce, but setting his bed on fire.

    I detest men who do that - cowards!

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