Recovering from Childhood Sexual Abuse?

I'm not recovering from sexual abuse but physical and mental/emotional...

I was sexually abused a couple times throughout my childhood, when I was 5, 10, 14. It's defiantly contributed to an unhealthy lifestyle on my part but getting through it has helped me progress into a better type of lifestyle. I love that you brought the topic up on here.

I would also like to say that I needed BOTH counselling AND the medication. I didn't want to take any sort of drug unless it was absolutely necessary, and wasted 6 months trying to deal with things without drugs. The medication actually saved my life, because my anxiety got totally out of hand and I spiralled into a really bad depression with self harm and alcohol abuse (and I must point out here that I rarely drank as a teenager and young adult at all) and a LOT of serious thinking about the merits of suicide. It's different for everyone, but for me, the drugs were lifesaving. Without them, and without my awesome counsellor, I'm not certain that I'd still be here. Coping strategies that may work for a part of your life can become really unhealthy and/or fail to work. People who haven't been through this don't seem to be able to understand very well - not their fault, their good fortune, but it can make things so hard to work through when you're surrounded by people who don't understand. They tend to say things that kick your anxiety up a few notches!

Anyway, now I'm trying to lose weight again...sigh....and I'm pretty sure the drugs bear some responsibility because they both have weight gain and/or increased appetite as possible side effects. Sigh....

I am recovering too. And it is SO difficult. I hate that people look at me as fat and lazy when that is the furthest thing from the truth. My fat is my survival instinct. Its my protector when no one else did. My mom spent more time drinking and telling me she wished I was never born, which didnt exactly inspire confidence that she would care what was happening to me. That and I had a hand in my own abuse. Which i struggle with alot. However, there was more than once instance that it happened with more than one person. I think if it had just been the one boy, then I would have been fine. It was the others that hurt me that got me where I am today. I stopped playing outside because it seemed like every guy was out to get me. I started eating because even at that age I understood that fat= unattractive in this life. My hygiene became poor and I suffered school humiliations and sexual ridicule from some of the "hot shot" boys. You know them... The ones that say nasty stuff and pretend they like you but then you catch them making fun of you in the hall or overhear some equally nasty cheerleader types laughing about it.

This has ruled me my entire life. To this day when I get below a certain weight I start to panic and sabatoge and stuff down all the crap that beats against my brain. And honestly, most of it is subconscience. I dont have that thought at the fore in my mind. This stuff brews underneath and I still havent figured out how to purge it for good. I write blogs and letters and go out somewhere to scream it away, but it stays with me.

Yes Ive been to therapy, but i just cant afford it long term.

I don't know where to begin with my recovery. At age 13 I met a man that abused me and manipulated me until I was 16. It got out of hand and the police finally intervened. Thank God because he had me so manipulated into thinking what was going on was okay. I know it has caused long term issues with myself, I just don't know where to start with the healing since it is so sealed up.

If anyone can suggest support for these bottled issues, please let me know. I have a pattern in relationships now. I push people away, I reduce physical contact as much as possible and intimacy is not as enjoyable as it used to be.

thanks for bring up this topic that no one wants to talk about. I too am recovering from childhood sexual abuse at the hands of my stepfather, for 4 long yrs. It is amazing that something that happened so long ago can still affect you. My heart goes out to all of you.....(((HUGS)))

I've been Emotionally Abused by my father for most of my life.. but I'm only now starting to realize it as abuse.

It sucks.. and I know that my relationships(with males esp) suffer because I'm expecting them to abuse me and treat me like crap.

Friends suggested therapy but I can't bring myself to do it just yet.. I'm still in that mentality of no one needs to know but me, and I don't want to burden others with my problems.

For those wishing to join the support group on MFP for this, here's the link: http://www.myfitnesspal.com/groups/home/906-survivors-of-childhood-sexual-abuse

We will be happy to have you. You are not required to share any details of your abuse unless you wish to; the purpose of the group is to support each other and give each other a safe place to vent, especially as your status as survivors affects your weight and your weight loss. Feel free to join the group! Be sure to tell us a little about yourself (as I said, details of your abuse are NOT necessary unless you wish to share them--we don't have to know details to be able to support you!).

For some reason, I am having trouble joining.

Please send me an invite too. I was abused from about 7 or 8 to about 15 or 16 in a progressively worse and worse way by my own father and even tho I told my entire family when I was 13 not a single person stepped up to save me or make me feel like I was worth anything. I'm not sure to this day which abuse was worse, the sexual abuse or the out and out neglect of the rest of the family.

I do know being slender and fit and sexy might be a problem for me, but I'm trying to at least GET to that point to find out, I can't let fears about it derail my weight loss journey. I am doing this for ME and me alone, and hopefully "success" on MFP will never trigger feelings of fear once I get to goal.

Tried looking for the group but couldn't find it either. Need invite. Thanks for the courageous topic. Of course any survivor has probably thought about weight in relation to the CSO but the OP had the guts to post about it. BRAVE BRAVE BRAVE!!!

Deedee

EDIT TO ADD - just looked at the tickers in this thread... you survivors are losers! THE RIGHT KIND, I can see we are serious as a group at achieving our goals... YAY FOR US!! Also - I was physically and mentally abused (of course goes without saying in a lot of ways I should think) but I must say sexual abuse in particular I think has a deep connection to body issues, so that is why this is a particularly good match for me as far as groups go, looking forward to sharing - meanwhile keep up the great work all!

Good for you for speaking out what alot don't want to talk about. I was molested throughout my whole childhood by two brothers and my own mother. I dealt with this over the years in various ways. I gained wait as a protective barrier as well as drugs and alcohol starting at age 11 until my mid 20's. After that I still drank, and over drank here and there until my late 20's. I also was a self abuser and a cutter until my early 30's. I dealt with depression up until earlier this year. I can say thanks to God helping me I am through it all and have been able to move past it all. He has set me free from years of depression and wanting to not even live. Well that is a short version of my story. I think it is awesome that you have reached out to others and there is a group to where survivors can come together and support one another.
Bless you, Stephanie