Married but feels like a single mom
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Replies
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Few Ideas:
1. You could join a YMCA and see about getting your kids into a program themselves
And give you time away from them without worry. And they have a program for people with low income as well
2. Let them join you. I walk with my daughter and I foundt his great kid/adult yoga channel on YouTube.
3. Work out before the kids wake up or after they go to sleep. This one is hard for me because I love sleep. But some people can do it
4. Throw on a movie in one room and work out in the next.0 -
Talk to your Husband about it instead of MFP.:flowerforyou:
This! I see some really intimate, personal problems being aired out on MFP. I understand that the forums are for chit chat and everyday problems, but somethings should be discussed within your family or close circle. Good luck to the OP0 -
Think of all the poor stay at home moms who have husbands away in the military or worse. So fining time vs having no one at all is better. Just know even though your not alone you are blessed to have someone in your life.
That's a great way of putting things in perspective. :flowerforyou:
Disagree... The military and a worthless father are two different things..... IMO he needs to step up or step out! But this is really your decision to make and what a hard one it is! As with the others YOU ARE NOT ALONE... My husband can be worthless in a whole lot of ways but makes up with others. He may not have any patience with the kids but he will get up and walk me to the bus stop at 5am just to make sure I am ok on my way to work! So I take the good with the bad, you need to figure out if there is any good that out weighs the bad! and then make a decision on that...0 -
I actually normally tell people that I'm a single married mother of 2! My husband and I have been married for 15 1/2 years now...together for almost 17. We have a 15 year old son and a 3 year old daughter. In my case it's not that he's selfish (most of the time) it's his schedule. He has always worked very insane hours. By the time he gets home the kids are already in bed or on their way there. In all honesty, if I want to work out...I get up before everyone else gets up and do my workout. Normally that means getting up between 4 and 4:30 so I have time to work out and get cleaned up before I have to start getting myself ready for work.0
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Bring down the hammer. Put those balls in a jar above the fridge, girl. Time to do YOU.
enjoy your divorce0 -
I do believe that we all sometimes feel that way. I know I do, and if I'm honest, my husband is a very good man. That said, however, if I'm sick, our son doesn't get bathed, his teeth don't get brushed, and the house is an utter disaster. This morning, after getting up at 5:00 a.m. to work out, coming home and letting the dogs out (cleaning out the one dog's crate who we have to crate because she seriously doesn't get that she isn't supposed to crap in the house), trying to take a moment to go to the bathroom while my three year old pounds on the door, taking a shower while he threw a fit on the bathroom floor, getting him dressed his teeth brushed and taking him to day care while my husband slept, getting up nearly 2 1/2 hours after I did, observed the dog's crate being a mess and leaving it for me, leaving them outside rather than letting them in (because that would mean wiping their feet), taking a shower and going back to bed to read, I seriously felt rage. When he playfully lifted my robe while I was getting ready for work I snapped at him, "What in the hell do you think you're doing?!" He looked stunned. "I'm just playing." Well, don't. I'm not exactly playful in the mornings. Particularly when this is really what every, single morning is like. At night, he parks himself in front of CNN or the History Channel, while playing Angry Birds. His older kids joke that they know where he sits on our new couch because it's already formed a divot in the shape of his butt. He does usually make dinner, but he leaves a huge mess, which I clean then I bathe the child, get him ready for bed, clean up all the toys, etc. He seriously does not move from the couch unless I say, "Can you do this? Can you do that?" Don't get me started on the laundry. He doesn't even know how to turn the machine on. He's NEVER done it. Not once.0
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I'm so sorry you're going through this. I understand, I went through it about two years ago, when my youngest was born. My husband never helped out, and I was trying to do everything myself. Looking back now, he's actually admitted to me, "You know, I was deadbeat husband." Ummm...yeah, you were.
What changed for us is that HE started to workout, get healthy, etc. Once he saw the changes in his own life, he was more willing to help me with mine. It's still not perfect, but it's much better. Until that "lightbulb" turns on for your hubby, I'm not sure what to suggest.
Do you have a gym/YMCA that offers childwatch? This was a lifesaver to me (and still is). So even those nights that he has to work late, I can still make it to a class. The kids love going and playing with their friends. I know it's winter & crappy, but maybe find ways to get outside with your kids and work out. My oldest wants to start running & playing basketball. While I"m not fantastic at either, I can keep up with a 7 year old! I think the zumba DVD is a great idea - and a great way to have the kid burn off extra energy too! Your local public library might even have something like this if purchasing it is an issue. I think our library even has some excercise videos for kids, which might be fun. As far as "rescuing" the kids - can you go somewhere else to work out? Maybe go for a run (try the C25K program) and just getting that little escape from the house might do you good. Plus, then he knows he has to watch the kids, and you're not there to "rescue" them.
Just know that taking even a small amount of time to focus on YOU makes you feel better & happier and makes you a better mom in the long run. As moms, we're always willing to give up anything for our kids, but sometimes, just sometimes, you have to take time for YOU. It's a hard lesson for some of us, but everyone in your life will pay off in the end.0 -
I am not a mom, but your situation sounds so much like my co-worker's.
She has 3 kids, and she runs the household pretty much. She does all of the cooking, cleaning, running around, going to games for the sports teams they are on, all this stuff.
It irritates me to no end that she gets very little support from him. He has no problem taking all this time to hang out with friends, etc. but if she tries to take a night to go to the movies or something, well, that's a whole other story.
Anytime she leaves the kids with him, he goes out into the garage and has their oldest (14?) watch their youngest (3).
I just listen to her venting, and try to keep my mouth shut. She says all the time she feels like a single parent....0 -
Does he actually know there's a problem? Sometimes men just don't get it (sorry to all men who do get it). Tell him straight. This isn't working for me. How can we work things out so I can exercise, work and take care of the boys? Basically, approach it like a man lol! Try and leave the emotion out of it, tell him you want a practical solution! Friend me if you like. I am a mummy of two boys, trying to work out how to work from home and run too :-).0
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Lordy, Lordy... how about you sit down with your husband and tell him what you've told us? He's not going to like it as people generally hate change, especially if it involves effort, but if he cares about you, he should be willing to take on some more parenting.
Frame it as 'I feel exhausted... I would like...' - avoid criticising or saying 'You...'. Focus on what you'd like things to be like. Listen to his side of the story and negotiate. Maybe he was brought up in a family where the men didn't parent? Does he think this is the best way for you, the kids, him? How would he like things to be?
Good luck!
PS - if you're going to change your family dynamic, you'll need lots and lots of conversations. Years of habit don't change overnight, even if folk want them too.
I totally agree!! Either this is the way he was taught how to parent or this is just what he has gotten used to over the years because you haven't really asked much from him. Either way communication is key. He probably won't change overnight but work together and I am sure you two can meet somewhere in the middle.0 -
I do believe that we all sometimes feel that way. I know I do, and if I'm honest, my husband is a very good man. That said, however, if I'm sick, our son doesn't get bathed, his teeth don't get brushed, and the house is an utter disaster. This morning, after getting up at 5:00 a.m. to work out, coming home and letting the dogs out (cleaning out the one dog's crate who we have to crate because she seriously doesn't get that she isn't supposed to crap in the house), trying to take a moment to go to the bathroom while my three year old pounds on the door, taking a shower while he threw a fit on the bathroom floor, getting him dressed his teeth brushed and taking him to day care while my husband slept, getting up nearly 2 1/2 hours after I did, observed the dog's crate being a mess and leaving it for me, leaving them outside rather than letting them in (because that would mean wiping their feet), taking a shower and going back to bed to read, I seriously felt rage. When he playfully lifted my robe while I was getting ready for work I snapped at him, "What in the hell do you think you're doing?!" He looked stunned. "I'm just playing." Well, don't. I'm not exactly playful in the mornings. Particularly when this is really what every, single morning is like. At night, he parks himself in front of CNN or the History Channel, while playing Angry Birds. His older kids joke that they know where he sits on our new couch because it's already formed a divot in the shape of his butt. He does usually make dinner, but he leaves a huge mess, which I clean then I bathe the child, get him ready for bed, clean up all the toys, etc. He seriously does not move from the couch unless I say, "Can you do this? Can you do that?" Don't get me started on the laundry. He doesn't even know how to turn the machine on. He's NEVER done it. Not once.
Same here girl! If I am sick our world comes to a standstill! Nothing gets done and my house looks like a tornado came through it!0 -
My ex-husband was like this. He never allowed me to have time to do things for me as he was always too busy to look after the kids. When I had a job that I used to travel with, I would check my parents' schedule to see when I could travel as they fed the kids, bathed them and usually tucked them in to bed when I was out of town.
Forget a social life with him, he was always out with work, on call, etc and could not look after the kids.
It was actually a relief when I divorced him because I had no expectations of another parent being there and I figured out a social life. I had lost mine because you can only tell people so many times that you aren't able to go out before they stop asking you. It was difficult at 38 years old to figure out how to find friends. It was difficult to finally figure out that I had time for me.
But it was a relief to get out of a relationship that showed no respect for me and my needs.
My husband now is an amazing person who encourages me to spend time with friends but also wants time with me alone. It is a happy compromise. I still feel guilty about going out with friends because that was how I spent the first 10 years of being a mom.
Find your compromise now...talk to him and if he won't change...you need to0 -
Yes, I do have a suggestion. Ask for help!
Tell your husband that you need his help. You can't assume that he already knows that....while it should be obvious that you do.... if you don't speak up and say, 'Hon, can you get the door. I'm feeding the baby,' then you can't resent him. You can't hold someone responsible for something that they don't know they are doing 'wrong'. You need to speak up. Speak-up!
When it comes to your personal time.... is it possible to hire help? A baby-sitter a couple of hours a day? You need a break and you should plan on one.... and exercise is a fantastic way to relax.... or read or take a bubble bath....but for those 2 hours.... it is just you. You are not 'mommy' and you are not 'Mrs'.
I wish you the best. Know that a lot of women are in your predicament. Know also that your husband just needs to hear what you want. Tell him what you want need and I hate to tell you this.... but everyday and in every situation. I know! Exhausting! Oh, and try not to nag while you're asking for help. 'For Pete's sake! Can't you see that I am busy feeding the baby!? Why can't you open the door!? Why do I have to do EVERYTHING around here!? The housework and doing YOUR things....' Sound familiar? Step back and treat him like a partner, not another one of your boys.0 -
Having come from a similar situation, except I'm the father and my wife was the selfish one, I suggest having a serious sit-down talk. Preferably with counseling. Don't look at it as a bad thing. Look at it as an opportunity to communicate, educate, share and put responsibilities and obligations back in order. It can make both you and your family a lot happier. That's what you want in the long run right, a happy family?
It sounds like your husband has some things he could probably work through as well. At the same time he needs to man up and be more than the sum of his personal desires and goals. Being a good-quality father and husband takes energy and attention, often away from our personal wants (same for mothers/wives, obviously), but it's energy and effort well spent. It's worth it. He may need a gentle kick in the butt (or hard and swift, that's up to you!) to get his head and attitude back to where it should be - on his family.
I wish you the best of luck. Seriously, talk to him. There may be more from his side of things as well. Just remember that you both deserve to be happy. Relationships take work from both people, not just one.0 -
prayer and marriage counseling. he isn't psychic (could be
) lol but talk to him, and an almost 6yr. old kid, this has been going on quite a while. 0 -
Err...nobody is perfect. But if its really that bad, it sounds like you have three boys, the two you've given birth to and the first one you married. Honestly, I really do not think that any man wants to be "that guy" consciously.
Let's face it, its hard for us to ask for directions, read instructions when some assembly is required; and see forest before the trees. Therefore, he may not be aware of his lack of responsibility or actions. (You both have grown used to things being "this way.")
Behavior does not change overnight or in a week. Depending on how long you have mothered him, it may take a awhile for you both to unlearn the current behavior and learn new skills. (Especially harder if he had grown up with folks who behave like this. Think about what you have observed with your in-laws.)
As for good examples, do you have friends where the man helps out with the kids, the house, and his wife? Most people, guys included do not like being shown up by another.
Also, men thrive on a STRUCTURE environment. Work together and share the load. Develop a schedule and responsibility of chores. (examples, scheduling laundry, cooking, house-cleaning, etc. etc.) And when he does it wrong, let him make mistakes. He will eventually learn to do chores efficiently and routinely; even if its not the same way you would get them done.
(If you can get him to make a promise, then better. Its a terrible feeling when a man can not keep a promise. Not just a "yeah I promise" but a sincere promise.) (Which reminds me, maybe there is some tid-bits of knowledge that can be taken from the Promise Keepers. I must admit that I do not know much about them or their movement. However, I can not help but reminded of them when thinking of your current situation.)
Keep in mind that what is going on is a living example that your two boys are learning. How does he want his sons to treat people and women when they become men themselves?0 -
To the OP: Please know that you are not alone. You will get a wide range of suggestions many of which will contradict each other. There's the range from have a heart to heart, all the way to divorce the guy. It all depends on your point of view, and what your ultimate goals in life are. What is so important to you and what you can learn to live without.
I know for me.... it's bee a struggle. I've come to the brink of divorce, and hubby "got it" but it only lasted for about a year. Then it was back to the old way of things. It hurts, but I've decided for my own reasons to hang in there. Yeah, one day our children will be grown and out of the house. I'll find myself living with a stranger, but I'll face that when I get there. I keep reminding myself that sure, other women are blessed with great men that help out around the house, but it could always be worse. He could be an alcoholic or he could be abusive instead of just absent. It could always be worse.
I do hope that things will improve for you. I wish you the very best in getting through this trying time.
As to the debate that kind of struck up about which is worse, having a spouse in the military that is gone, or a spouse that is home but absent mentally, and emotionally. I can speak from experience. My husband is in the military. And while the spouses around me are absolutely devastated when their man deploys, I'm not. Life is easier for me when he's gone. Cause when he's gone, there is no reminder that he *could* help but doesn't want to. When he's gone, it's the Army's fault I'm carrying the burden alone, although honestly there's one less person to cook for, to clean up after and less laundry to do! When he's home, I'm constantly reminded that he chooses to not be a part of our lives. That's my point of view anyway.0 -
mine was exactly like yours. i got the 5 yr old a tricycle, put the 2 yr old on the back of my bike and off we went. some men dont change. we also had some dvds that the kids liked like elmo exercise or whatever. it took the third child to make him realize what a jerk he was being and how hard i work all the time cuz then i couldnt do anything with the baby being in intensive care and he had to take care of the others as my parents were deceased so they couldnt help obviously!
Mine didnt realize how much it takes to be a full time mom and working full time too on top of taking care of the house and meals and dog too....until he got hurt and had to stay home with the kids for a while. It only took the first week of him soley taking care of everything to realize how bad he was. I purposely did everything i could do do what he was doing to me to show him how hard it was. He couldnt believe how much work i did and now he helps a lot. He still has his moments but its 10 times better. We have a 3 year old and a 2 year old.0 -
i have 4 children 2 jobs and i am a part time student. my husband is helpful but its still not enough. i include my kids in some of my work outs i have races with them and they actually enjoy doing my work out videos with me.0
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No you are not alone. :frown:0
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