Married but feels like a single mom
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Few Ideas:
1. You could join a YMCA and see about getting your kids into a program themselves
And give you time away from them without worry. And they have a program for people with low income as well
2. Let them join you. I walk with my daughter and I foundt his great kid/adult yoga channel on YouTube.
3. Work out before the kids wake up or after they go to sleep. This one is hard for me because I love sleep. But some people can do it
4. Throw on a movie in one room and work out in the next.0 -
Talk to your Husband about it instead of MFP.:flowerforyou:
This! I see some really intimate, personal problems being aired out on MFP. I understand that the forums are for chit chat and everyday problems, but somethings should be discussed within your family or close circle. Good luck to the OP0 -
Think of all the poor stay at home moms who have husbands away in the military or worse. So fining time vs having no one at all is better. Just know even though your not alone you are blessed to have someone in your life.
That's a great way of putting things in perspective. :flowerforyou:
Disagree... The military and a worthless father are two different things..... IMO he needs to step up or step out! But this is really your decision to make and what a hard one it is! As with the others YOU ARE NOT ALONE... My husband can be worthless in a whole lot of ways but makes up with others. He may not have any patience with the kids but he will get up and walk me to the bus stop at 5am just to make sure I am ok on my way to work! So I take the good with the bad, you need to figure out if there is any good that out weighs the bad! and then make a decision on that...0 -
I actually normally tell people that I'm a single married mother of 2! My husband and I have been married for 15 1/2 years now...together for almost 17. We have a 15 year old son and a 3 year old daughter. In my case it's not that he's selfish (most of the time) it's his schedule. He has always worked very insane hours. By the time he gets home the kids are already in bed or on their way there. In all honesty, if I want to work out...I get up before everyone else gets up and do my workout. Normally that means getting up between 4 and 4:30 so I have time to work out and get cleaned up before I have to start getting myself ready for work.0
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Bring down the hammer. Put those balls in a jar above the fridge, girl. Time to do YOU.
enjoy your divorce0 -
I do believe that we all sometimes feel that way. I know I do, and if I'm honest, my husband is a very good man. That said, however, if I'm sick, our son doesn't get bathed, his teeth don't get brushed, and the house is an utter disaster. This morning, after getting up at 5:00 a.m. to work out, coming home and letting the dogs out (cleaning out the one dog's crate who we have to crate because she seriously doesn't get that she isn't supposed to crap in the house), trying to take a moment to go to the bathroom while my three year old pounds on the door, taking a shower while he threw a fit on the bathroom floor, getting him dressed his teeth brushed and taking him to day care while my husband slept, getting up nearly 2 1/2 hours after I did, observed the dog's crate being a mess and leaving it for me, leaving them outside rather than letting them in (because that would mean wiping their feet), taking a shower and going back to bed to read, I seriously felt rage. When he playfully lifted my robe while I was getting ready for work I snapped at him, "What in the hell do you think you're doing?!" He looked stunned. "I'm just playing." Well, don't. I'm not exactly playful in the mornings. Particularly when this is really what every, single morning is like. At night, he parks himself in front of CNN or the History Channel, while playing Angry Birds. His older kids joke that they know where he sits on our new couch because it's already formed a divot in the shape of his butt. He does usually make dinner, but he leaves a huge mess, which I clean then I bathe the child, get him ready for bed, clean up all the toys, etc. He seriously does not move from the couch unless I say, "Can you do this? Can you do that?" Don't get me started on the laundry. He doesn't even know how to turn the machine on. He's NEVER done it. Not once.0
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I'm so sorry you're going through this. I understand, I went through it about two years ago, when my youngest was born. My husband never helped out, and I was trying to do everything myself. Looking back now, he's actually admitted to me, "You know, I was deadbeat husband." Ummm...yeah, you were.
What changed for us is that HE started to workout, get healthy, etc. Once he saw the changes in his own life, he was more willing to help me with mine. It's still not perfect, but it's much better. Until that "lightbulb" turns on for your hubby, I'm not sure what to suggest.
Do you have a gym/YMCA that offers childwatch? This was a lifesaver to me (and still is). So even those nights that he has to work late, I can still make it to a class. The kids love going and playing with their friends. I know it's winter & crappy, but maybe find ways to get outside with your kids and work out. My oldest wants to start running & playing basketball. While I"m not fantastic at either, I can keep up with a 7 year old! I think the zumba DVD is a great idea - and a great way to have the kid burn off extra energy too! Your local public library might even have something like this if purchasing it is an issue. I think our library even has some excercise videos for kids, which might be fun. As far as "rescuing" the kids - can you go somewhere else to work out? Maybe go for a run (try the C25K program) and just getting that little escape from the house might do you good. Plus, then he knows he has to watch the kids, and you're not there to "rescue" them.
Just know that taking even a small amount of time to focus on YOU makes you feel better & happier and makes you a better mom in the long run. As moms, we're always willing to give up anything for our kids, but sometimes, just sometimes, you have to take time for YOU. It's a hard lesson for some of us, but everyone in your life will pay off in the end.0 -
I am not a mom, but your situation sounds so much like my co-worker's.
She has 3 kids, and she runs the household pretty much. She does all of the cooking, cleaning, running around, going to games for the sports teams they are on, all this stuff.
It irritates me to no end that she gets very little support from him. He has no problem taking all this time to hang out with friends, etc. but if she tries to take a night to go to the movies or something, well, that's a whole other story.
Anytime she leaves the kids with him, he goes out into the garage and has their oldest (14?) watch their youngest (3).
I just listen to her venting, and try to keep my mouth shut. She says all the time she feels like a single parent....0 -
Does he actually know there's a problem? Sometimes men just don't get it (sorry to all men who do get it). Tell him straight. This isn't working for me. How can we work things out so I can exercise, work and take care of the boys? Basically, approach it like a man lol! Try and leave the emotion out of it, tell him you want a practical solution! Friend me if you like. I am a mummy of two boys, trying to work out how to work from home and run too :-).0
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Lordy, Lordy... how about you sit down with your husband and tell him what you've told us? He's not going to like it as people generally hate change, especially if it involves effort, but if he cares about you, he should be willing to take on some more parenting.
Frame it as 'I feel exhausted... I would like...' - avoid criticising or saying 'You...'. Focus on what you'd like things to be like. Listen to his side of the story and negotiate. Maybe he was brought up in a family where the men didn't parent? Does he think this is the best way for you, the kids, him? How would he like things to be?
Good luck!
PS - if you're going to change your family dynamic, you'll need lots and lots of conversations. Years of habit don't change overnight, even if folk want them too.
I totally agree!! Either this is the way he was taught how to parent or this is just what he has gotten used to over the years because you haven't really asked much from him. Either way communication is key. He probably won't change overnight but work together and I am sure you two can meet somewhere in the middle.0 -
I do believe that we all sometimes feel that way. I know I do, and if I'm honest, my husband is a very good man. That said, however, if I'm sick, our son doesn't get bathed, his teeth don't get brushed, and the house is an utter disaster. This morning, after getting up at 5:00 a.m. to work out, coming home and letting the dogs out (cleaning out the one dog's crate who we have to crate because she seriously doesn't get that she isn't supposed to crap in the house), trying to take a moment to go to the bathroom while my three year old pounds on the door, taking a shower while he threw a fit on the bathroom floor, getting him dressed his teeth brushed and taking him to day care while my husband slept, getting up nearly 2 1/2 hours after I did, observed the dog's crate being a mess and leaving it for me, leaving them outside rather than letting them in (because that would mean wiping their feet), taking a shower and going back to bed to read, I seriously felt rage. When he playfully lifted my robe while I was getting ready for work I snapped at him, "What in the hell do you think you're doing?!" He looked stunned. "I'm just playing." Well, don't. I'm not exactly playful in the mornings. Particularly when this is really what every, single morning is like. At night, he parks himself in front of CNN or the History Channel, while playing Angry Birds. His older kids joke that they know where he sits on our new couch because it's already formed a divot in the shape of his butt. He does usually make dinner, but he leaves a huge mess, which I clean then I bathe the child, get him ready for bed, clean up all the toys, etc. He seriously does not move from the couch unless I say, "Can you do this? Can you do that?" Don't get me started on the laundry. He doesn't even know how to turn the machine on. He's NEVER done it. Not once.
Same here girl! If I am sick our world comes to a standstill! Nothing gets done and my house looks like a tornado came through it!0 -
My ex-husband was like this. He never allowed me to have time to do things for me as he was always too busy to look after the kids. When I had a job that I used to travel with, I would check my parents' schedule to see when I could travel as they fed the kids, bathed them and usually tucked them in to bed when I was out of town.
Forget a social life with him, he was always out with work, on call, etc and could not look after the kids.
It was actually a relief when I divorced him because I had no expectations of another parent being there and I figured out a social life. I had lost mine because you can only tell people so many times that you aren't able to go out before they stop asking you. It was difficult at 38 years old to figure out how to find friends. It was difficult to finally figure out that I had time for me.
But it was a relief to get out of a relationship that showed no respect for me and my needs.
My husband now is an amazing person who encourages me to spend time with friends but also wants time with me alone. It is a happy compromise. I still feel guilty about going out with friends because that was how I spent the first 10 years of being a mom.
Find your compromise now...talk to him and if he won't change...you need to0 -
Yes, I do have a suggestion. Ask for help!
Tell your husband that you need his help. You can't assume that he already knows that....while it should be obvious that you do.... if you don't speak up and say, 'Hon, can you get the door. I'm feeding the baby,' then you can't resent him. You can't hold someone responsible for something that they don't know they are doing 'wrong'. You need to speak up. Speak-up!
When it comes to your personal time.... is it possible to hire help? A baby-sitter a couple of hours a day? You need a break and you should plan on one.... and exercise is a fantastic way to relax.... or read or take a bubble bath....but for those 2 hours.... it is just you. You are not 'mommy' and you are not 'Mrs'.
I wish you the best. Know that a lot of women are in your predicament. Know also that your husband just needs to hear what you want. Tell him what you want need and I hate to tell you this.... but everyday and in every situation. I know! Exhausting! Oh, and try not to nag while you're asking for help. 'For Pete's sake! Can't you see that I am busy feeding the baby!? Why can't you open the door!? Why do I have to do EVERYTHING around here!? The housework and doing YOUR things....' Sound familiar? Step back and treat him like a partner, not another one of your boys.0 -
Having come from a similar situation, except I'm the father and my wife was the selfish one, I suggest having a serious sit-down talk. Preferably with counseling. Don't look at it as a bad thing. Look at it as an opportunity to communicate, educate, share and put responsibilities and obligations back in order. It can make both you and your family a lot happier. That's what you want in the long run right, a happy family?
It sounds like your husband has some things he could probably work through as well. At the same time he needs to man up and be more than the sum of his personal desires and goals. Being a good-quality father and husband takes energy and attention, often away from our personal wants (same for mothers/wives, obviously), but it's energy and effort well spent. It's worth it. He may need a gentle kick in the butt (or hard and swift, that's up to you!) to get his head and attitude back to where it should be - on his family.
I wish you the best of luck. Seriously, talk to him. There may be more from his side of things as well. Just remember that you both deserve to be happy. Relationships take work from both people, not just one.0 -
prayer and marriage counseling. he isn't psychic (could be
) lol but talk to him, and an almost 6yr. old kid, this has been going on quite a while. 0 -
Err...nobody is perfect. But if its really that bad, it sounds like you have three boys, the two you've given birth to and the first one you married. Honestly, I really do not think that any man wants to be "that guy" consciously.
Let's face it, its hard for us to ask for directions, read instructions when some assembly is required; and see forest before the trees. Therefore, he may not be aware of his lack of responsibility or actions. (You both have grown used to things being "this way.")
Behavior does not change overnight or in a week. Depending on how long you have mothered him, it may take a awhile for you both to unlearn the current behavior and learn new skills. (Especially harder if he had grown up with folks who behave like this. Think about what you have observed with your in-laws.)
As for good examples, do you have friends where the man helps out with the kids, the house, and his wife? Most people, guys included do not like being shown up by another.
Also, men thrive on a STRUCTURE environment. Work together and share the load. Develop a schedule and responsibility of chores. (examples, scheduling laundry, cooking, house-cleaning, etc. etc.) And when he does it wrong, let him make mistakes. He will eventually learn to do chores efficiently and routinely; even if its not the same way you would get them done.
(If you can get him to make a promise, then better. Its a terrible feeling when a man can not keep a promise. Not just a "yeah I promise" but a sincere promise.) (Which reminds me, maybe there is some tid-bits of knowledge that can be taken from the Promise Keepers. I must admit that I do not know much about them or their movement. However, I can not help but reminded of them when thinking of your current situation.)
Keep in mind that what is going on is a living example that your two boys are learning. How does he want his sons to treat people and women when they become men themselves?0 -
To the OP: Please know that you are not alone. You will get a wide range of suggestions many of which will contradict each other. There's the range from have a heart to heart, all the way to divorce the guy. It all depends on your point of view, and what your ultimate goals in life are. What is so important to you and what you can learn to live without.
I know for me.... it's bee a struggle. I've come to the brink of divorce, and hubby "got it" but it only lasted for about a year. Then it was back to the old way of things. It hurts, but I've decided for my own reasons to hang in there. Yeah, one day our children will be grown and out of the house. I'll find myself living with a stranger, but I'll face that when I get there. I keep reminding myself that sure, other women are blessed with great men that help out around the house, but it could always be worse. He could be an alcoholic or he could be abusive instead of just absent. It could always be worse.
I do hope that things will improve for you. I wish you the very best in getting through this trying time.
As to the debate that kind of struck up about which is worse, having a spouse in the military that is gone, or a spouse that is home but absent mentally, and emotionally. I can speak from experience. My husband is in the military. And while the spouses around me are absolutely devastated when their man deploys, I'm not. Life is easier for me when he's gone. Cause when he's gone, there is no reminder that he *could* help but doesn't want to. When he's gone, it's the Army's fault I'm carrying the burden alone, although honestly there's one less person to cook for, to clean up after and less laundry to do! When he's home, I'm constantly reminded that he chooses to not be a part of our lives. That's my point of view anyway.0 -
mine was exactly like yours. i got the 5 yr old a tricycle, put the 2 yr old on the back of my bike and off we went. some men dont change. we also had some dvds that the kids liked like elmo exercise or whatever. it took the third child to make him realize what a jerk he was being and how hard i work all the time cuz then i couldnt do anything with the baby being in intensive care and he had to take care of the others as my parents were deceased so they couldnt help obviously!
Mine didnt realize how much it takes to be a full time mom and working full time too on top of taking care of the house and meals and dog too....until he got hurt and had to stay home with the kids for a while. It only took the first week of him soley taking care of everything to realize how bad he was. I purposely did everything i could do do what he was doing to me to show him how hard it was. He couldnt believe how much work i did and now he helps a lot. He still has his moments but its 10 times better. We have a 3 year old and a 2 year old.0 -
i have 4 children 2 jobs and i am a part time student. my husband is helpful but its still not enough. i include my kids in some of my work outs i have races with them and they actually enjoy doing my work out videos with me.0
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No you are not alone. :frown:0
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i'd make him a really good sammich. That usually fixes most problems0
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Anyone else out there feel the same way? I have 2 boys; 5 (almost 6) and just 2. And a husband who is so completely selfish that I get no time for myself. I feel like I am doing all this on my own... All the housework, taking care of the boys, finding time to work from home, all the things that hubby should be able to do for himself but expects me to do it... like answering the door when he is right there and I am helping our 2 year-old eat...
I have a hard enough time trying to find time to work... which is usually 4-7 am, during my 2 year-olds nap and after the boys go to bed. When am I supposed to take time to exercise? He tells me to just do it, but then when I ask him to stay inside so I can, I get a deep sigh from him, then I hear him yelling at the boys. So, then I stop my workout to "rescue" the boys. I know he is doing it on purpose cuz he knows I'll stop but I don't feel that it is right for me to put my boys through that just so I can get 30 mins of time in for myself.
Anyone have any suggestions?
Thanks.
Cindy
Not sure what to do, one thing I know is that if you don't do something about it the boys will grow up thinking this is acceptable for the man/husband to do.0 -
I felt the way you do for a long time. I work full time & so does my husband. I leave my daughter with the sitter late two days a week so that I can go to jazzercise. I also work out before she gets up & before I go to work in the am (usually 4:30 am). The hardest part is getting out of bed for that, especially in the winter. My daughter is 4. we go on lots of walks & bike rides together. We also swim. I just did the 30 day shred dvd while she was playing with her baby doll. Best of luck - I understand feeling like you have no time & energy to get done the things you need around the house let alone take time to excercise. Sometimes I let things at home go so that I can get my excercise in - ie let the laundry build up or the living room get dusty. If it bothers him too much maybe he will raise a hand to help. (my husband does not get bothered enough to help - but if he has the nerve to complain I tell him to feel free to do the laundry himself:)0
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A caveat before I launch off: I admit that I can be hypersensitive to this issue. A lot of people respond with the comment "ask for help." Am I the only one who gets ruffled up over this? In my mind asking for help lets the recipient of that request assume automatically that this is "your" job instead of something both of you are equally responsible for. "Asking for help" to care for the child you both are raising and the home you both live in is like asking your husband to "babysit" his own children. He's a PARENT. He is also a co-habitant of a home. He is de facto involved. These are de facto his responsibilities as well. Just because I gave birth does not mean that I am the only one who is automatically and inarguably responsible for all the parenting and household tasks that must be done. I expect that my husband will see what needs to be done and get it done without prompting, too. He's not "helping out". This is his child. This is his home. He is no less a parent or a homeowner than I am.0
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You are not alone ... it takes two to tango. It sounds like you have fully participated as an enabler and suddenly you want to change the rules of the game.
As unfair as the ground rules have been it sounds like you helped establsh these patterns.
- Have you had a conversation about this and reached some consensus on new rules? Perhaps write them down and post them on the fridge door.
- Have you tried exercising outside of “ear shot” so you can’t hear him yelling at the boys … try going for a walk.
Change is often difficult for everyone.0 -
I know you got a lot of posts here to read through, and I didn't read all of them so I don't know what anyone else has told you, but I wanted to offer you some of my experience. I was in a marriage like that too, and even though we are divorced now, it's still like that. I have been really trying to work on this issue for YEARS and it's been slow coming, but I have made progress. Basically what it boils down to is enabling him and giving so much of yourself to everyone else that you are not taking care of yourself, which is wrong. I know that doesn't sound right, well it didn't to me anyway when I heard it. You have to take care of yourself, your needs and wants before you can TRULY give to anyone else. Here's an analogy that I hear a lot that helps this make sense: When you are on an airplane and the fight attendant is giving demonstrations they say in case of an emergency the oxygen masks will come down and you are to put yours on yourself before you help anyone else, do you know why? Because you can't help anyone if your dead. What do you think is the worse thing that would happen if you didn't rescue your husband from having to deal with his own children? I thought there was no way my husband could do anything without me and my kids would just die! But they actually do alright together, and it made it so much easier on me when I just let it be. Still need that reminder though, so thank you! Sorry for the novel! If you want to friend me feel free!0
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WOW! I love this! So true.You are not alone ... it takes two to tango. It sounds like you have fully participated as an enabler and suddenly you want to change the rules of the game.
As unfair as the ground rules have been it sounds like you helped establsh these patterns.
- Have you had a conversation about this and reached some consensus on new rules? Perhaps write them down and post them on the fridge door.
- Have you tried exercising outside of “ear shot” so you can’t hear him yelling at the boys … try going for a walk.
Change is often difficult for everyone.0 -
I have had the same problem for years. My children are mostly grown (youngest is almost 18 and chose to live with his sister who is 22) though so now we only have the dog, house, bills and shopping to take care of on a daily basis. I do all the fix it stuff as well. I am in the air force reserves. And i go away for 1-3 weeks every year and a weekend every month. And sometimes deploy for longer periods out of the country. I find that when the kids were home and i had to go away he became real helpful for 1-2 weeks after i got back then it went back to i do everything. Now that the kids are no longer at home he becomes extra helpful for 1-2 weeks but now he always takes out the trash, he does all the dishes, he cooks most of the time, goes shopping with me, and splits the care of the dog. But i had to show him what my life was like by not being there to do everything for him. Talk to him. If that doesn't work show him. If that doesn't work, I'm sorry. I would also say that if you have to get a sitter or take the children with you to a gym or find an exercise they can do with you do it while he is home so he see's it, he might get a clue and ask to join in. Good luck and keep your head up.0
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I will repeat what many others have said. First, if you are worried for your boys' safety, then get out! If not, read on.
Talk to him. (Using "I" statements). Let him know where you stand. Don't make empty threats. Do not say anything that you are not willing to follow through with. Actively listen to what he has to say (if he says anything). Maybe you can get to the root of what is really going on.
If he is not responsive or willing to help you can:
Get a sitter during the day a couple days a week, even if it's just a few hours to allow you to work. If he complains about the cost remind him that if you worked outside of the home, you would need a sitter all the time.
Kill him with kindness. Treat him the way you want to be treated no matter how much of a jerk he is. Do not let him desrespect you, but talk to him the way you want to be talked to. If he says something disrespectful, call him out on it. Keep your dignity intact. Do not let him manipulate you or make you feel guilty for wanting to take care of yourself.
When your husband gets home from work, give him 30 minutes to decompress. Let the kids give him their loves and take them to another room. After the 30 minutes are up he needs to be a part of the family.
If the door bell rings and he is sitting in his Lazy Boy, ask him to get the door. If you are not expecting anyone and he doesn't answer, then just let it go. It's probably the Girl Scouts selling cookies anyway. You just saved yourself from temptation.
You are supposed to be equal partners in your marriage. Do not allow him to treat you as anything less than his partner. You are a team. If he is not going to be a team player, well.........
Can you afford a gym membership? Get out of the house for your work outs. Run/walk outside when you can. Find your "me" time. Find activities for you and your boys to get out of the house. Also, take an occasional girls' night out with your married friends. Build a strong network of girlfriends.
Remember that you are a treasure. You are a princess. You are worth investing time in yourself. For you and your sons. Do not let your husband make you feel or think that you are not. Be confident in who you are, respect yourself, and do not allow others to disrespect you.
I hope you will be able to work this out with him. I wish you the best. God bless you!0 -
I feel the same way many days!! If you can find a workout that enables you to leave the house, requiring him to deal with the kids and know that he will not be rescued. I have been working on me for going on 2 years now, and find it hard to make him do things to help. I just keep trying. I think that most of us were raised in houses where our mothers did everything, witch not only makes you feel like you need to do it too, but remember that he grew up in the same type of household and saw his own mother taking care of everything. We need to break the chain, start with little steps. Also teach your boys that they need to be responsible for helping out.0
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