Married but feels like a single mom

Coming from someone that has had an eerily similiar situation - Call him out on his ****! Tell him you KNOW what he is doing and you aren't going to put up with him treating HIS children badly bc he doesnt want you to work out, have time for yourself etc.! If you don't nip it in the bud now it will only get worse.
I went thru 5 years of pretty much being a single parent and when my father passed away I thought, life is too short for this crap and I'm not going to put up with it. Thing is after we talked I realized I hadnt really brought it up before so he knew he could get away with doing as little as possible bc I wouldnt say anything. 6 years later he helps me with both our kids, does things around the house, etc.and we are as happy as we have ever been!

Oh, and using the "sex" card works wonders! HA! :laugh:

First off, for those of you that actually showed some empathy, thanks. For those of you that were condescending, I really didn't need that. I spend the entire day today rearranging the basement so that the boys can play down there while I use the treadmill. It's not a finished basement at all so it is still not the ideal choice for me. I can't afford a gym membership. I have talked to him... several times. We've done counseling but after 3 or 4 times he refuses to go anymore because the $20 copay is too much. It takes away from his gas money for the bike or for him to go for his all day Saturday rides or those after work rides til after dark. He is trying to get in shape himself and tells me that I need to as well, but doesn't give me the time. I can't work before the kids get up because that is when I work. I work from home. I work during naps and after the boys go to bed, which is what I should be doing now rather than being on here. Not 5 minutes ago he was on his phone, still is, ignoring our youngest having a temper tantrum in bed. I had to quickly finish the report that I was in and go take care of him.. he had a messy diaper. So even as I work, he doesn't help. I don't want a divorce... I love him. I guess I was just venting. I don't want my boys to treat their wife the way their dad treats me. But I also don't want them to think that they can take the easy way out if things aren't going their way. I honestly feel that he is afraid that if I lose weight I'll leave him. But I was 130# when I met him... that is my goal weight. I've told him that I don't have any desire to find someone else. I don't have the time for that. Plus, how am I to do that when I don't to go out without him? LOL

Honestly? This makes him sound even worse than you first presented him as. He won't go to counseling because he wants to spend the money on a hobby instead?
If he cannot change, then you have to change, whether it be giving up your expectations of him (this shouldn't be your choice in my opinion) or starting to consider a separation. Being in a marriage and being a parent is a joint responsibility you both should share, and doing that is showing your children how to be a good parent and spouse. He appears to not be the best role model.

I will leave you with this saying I just recently read:

Don't marry a man unless you would be proud to have a son exactly like him.

LEAVE HIM!!!

Can't quite believe the responses of 'if you can work out he gets his favourite meal' - he is nothing short of a w^*%er!!!

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Since he is selfish, cater to those selfish needs while getting what you want. Think of ways he can benefit from your workouts. Examples that come to mind:

- If he gives you 30 minutes to work out without being interrupted, you will make his favorite meal.
- If he allows you to work out peacefully and on schedule, for every 5 lbs you lose, he gets some "romance".

Make it work to your advantage. It may not work for him, but it's worth a try... especially if you can work it in without him knowing you are changing him.

Otherwise, you could find ways to make sure the boys are taken care of and supervised a different way. Once you have that figured out, your husband will quickly realize that you can do everything on your own and don't really need him for anything. That may scare him in to wanting to help out more.

No matter what you come up with as an answer, I just want to wish you luck in your weight loss journey and with your relationship. Everyone deserves to be happy.
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i love it...every 5lb lost he gets "romance" ...in that case my DH wouldnt be gettin very much..althought by his actions he is actin like a child but ya cant treat him like one..rewarding his lazy behaviour! the woman wants time for herself and BTW did i write this my boys are the same age and i'm in same situation..wish isnt nice..(but im an enabler i kno)

the only way i found ways to exercise is1. waiting to my 5yo goes to school to go a walk wit little one in pram..2.put extra strenght into cleaning 3. puttin some music on wit little one to entertain and dancing around mad lol..4.waitin to the kids go bed even if it means half hour earlier for them for a little zumba dance on wii...thats really it..but its hard everything considered..i work P/T too...depending on how much you want/need to...its a case of put up and shut up..or get rid of him..tut. i love my OH very much but how much can one woman do on her own?? lets keep being mugged off. cant change the mould. obsviously we want to and wont stop trying..but what do we need..what are we waitin on him to leave us?

with kids its easier to put up and shut up..but the only person who can change things is you..goodluck.x

a question for you: Why are you giving in? Your needs are no less important than his, but that isn't the way things go down in your house. Why? Are you avoiding his being mad at you? What can you do to change that?
Everyone has needs. Yours are every bit as important as his. This is something you need to focus on and stand up for yourself!

I understand the feeling because I am the type myself.

To all those that suggest to "leave him" I took a vow almost 6 years ago and I stand by those vows. I don't take the easy way out like a lot of people these days do. Married is supposed to be forever, not just while things are good. If he were to become physically abusive to me or to the boys, then I'd leave him but that is not the type of man he is. I don't worry about him harming our kids, just not having enough patience with them. When I married him, he wasn't selfish. It only came about after we had our first. After about 2 years of having to put things he wanted on hold because our son needed something, he'd had enough. He stopped talking to and hanging out with our married friends that had kids because he didn't want to see how he should be. He started hanging out with younger, single friends that have no responsibility to anyone but themselves. I know this isn't how he truly is. I know he can be a different man but he doesn't seem to want to that right now.

I don't know why I give in to him, other than it is a more peaceful house when he is happy. I am going to find a way to better manage my time so that I can fit in my workouts, mommy duties, working from home and doing all the other things that around the house that the wife is "supposed" to do. I'm hoping that once he sees that I can do it without him, that maybe that will open up his eyes. If it doesn't, well, it just made me a stronger woman and mom. And a healthier one at that. :happy:

Thanks again to all the supportive comments.:bigsmile:

I understand you took a vow, but you took a vow to a much different man. If he is not fulfilling your needs and your children's needs, you need to consider what is best for you all! I don't support divorce as the first option at all but if he won't change then you must change.
"It is a more peaceful house when he's happy"? That sounds like something a woman who is controlled by a man says, and she believes it is her fault when he isn't happy, even when it isn't. You shouldn't have to tip-toe around him to avoid rocking the boat. People like that don't really change. It is very hard for someone with abusive tendencies to change.

Please read this: http://www.counselingcenter.illinois.edu/?page_id=168

I wish you the best of luck. Please consider talking to someone about this, or calling a hotline and just having a talk with someone.

I couldn't figure out how to edit my post. For some reason, the button is gone!

But I just noticed that you said that you are afraid your husband will become impatient with your children. That's possibly another sign pointing to a possible emotional abuse situation. Everyone gets a little impatient. When it is chronic, it's a problem.

Some signs of emotional abuse:
Do you feel that you can't discuss with your partner what is bothering you?
Does your partner frequently criticize you, humiliate you, or undermine your self-esteem?
Does your partner ridicule you for expressing yourself?
Does your partner try to isolate you from friends, family or groups?
Does your partner limit your access to work or material resources?
Has your partner ever stolen from you? Or run up debts for you to handle?
Does your relationship swing back and forth between a lot of emotional distance (clammed up) and being very close?
Do you sometimes feel trapped in the relationship?
Has your partner ever thrown away or destroyed things that belonged to you?
Are you afraid of your partner?

To all those that suggest to "leave him" I took a vow almost 6 years ago and I stand by those vows. I don't take the easy way out like a lot of people these days do. Married is supposed to be forever, not just while things are good. If he were to become physically abusive to me or to the boys, then I'd leave him but that is not the type of man he is. I don't worry about him harming our kids, just not having enough patience with them. When I married him, he wasn't selfish. It only came about after we had our first. After about 2 years of having to put things he wanted on hold because our son needed something, he'd had enough. He stopped talking to and hanging out with our married friends that had kids because he didn't want to see how he should be. He started hanging out with younger, single friends that have no responsibility to anyone but themselves. I know this isn't how he truly is. I know he can be a different man but he doesn't seem to want to that right now.

I don't know why I give in to him, other than it is a more peaceful house when he is happy. I am going to find a way to better manage my time so that I can fit in my workouts, mommy duties, working from home and doing all the other things that around the house that the wife is "supposed" to do. I'm hoping that once he sees that I can do it without him, that maybe that will open up his eyes. If it doesn't, well, it just made me a stronger woman and mom. And a healthier one at that. :happy:

Thanks again to all the supportive comments.:bigsmile:

It's called emotional abuse girlfriend.
Sorry for my forthrightness - but I speak the truth.
Hanging with his single mates - won't be long before he's off doing whatever he wants totally - if you know what I mean.

It sounds like things are pretty bad. To be honest it sounds like he has serious issues, I would consider moving on if he does not change. He could be a control freak and what he is doing is a form of abuse by laying all the work on you and you having to always "rescue" the boys. If you want a friend or want advice I would love to help you. Feel free to email me anytime.

I have a hard enough time trying to find time to work... which is usually 4-7 am, during my 2 year-olds nap and after the boys go to bed. When am I supposed to take time to exercise? He tells me to just do it, but then when I ask him to stay inside so I can, I get a deep sigh from him, then I hear him yelling at the boys. So, then I stop my workout to "rescue" the boys. I know he is doing it on purpose cuz he knows I'll stop but I don't feel that it is right for me to put my boys through that just so I can get 30 mins of time in for myself.

Heres what I got from this,and you are not going to ike it. He watches the kids so you can go exercise but have to stop to "rescue" the kids from him yelling. Have you ever thought that you coming in undermines him just a litttle? Not everyone parents the same,and if hes not beating the kids but disiplineing them in his own way there is no reason to rescue them. If every time I was watching my kids my SO felt the need to come rescue them I wouldnt feel an overwhelming desire to help out as well,and yeah you would probobly get the deep sigh from me as well,because I would know where this would end up.

You're allowing this to happen. You need to talk to your husband and set some ground rules. A marriage is a partnership. It's not a slave/master relationship. And, if he can't buy into it, you may need to dump him. No man is worth the hassle. Hey, if you're going to be a single mother, you may as well be single.

Talk to your husband about it, let him know exactly what kind of pressure you're feeling. If he can't see that he should man up and take some of the load, then maybe it's time to go your separate ways. I know it's probably not as simple as that, but that's how I see it.

I have a hard enough time trying to find time to work... which is usually 4-7 am, during my 2 year-olds nap and after the boys go to bed. When am I supposed to take time to exercise? He tells me to just do it, but then when I ask him to stay inside so I can, I get a deep sigh from him, then I hear him yelling at the boys. So, then I stop my workout to "rescue" the boys. I know he is doing it on purpose cuz he knows I'll stop but I don't feel that it is right for me to put my boys through that just so I can get 30 mins of time in for myself.

Heres what I got from this,and you are not going to ike it. He watches the kids so you can go exercise but have to stop to "rescue" the kids from him yelling. Have you ever thought that you coming in undermines him just a litttle? Not everyone parents the same,and if hes not beating the kids but disiplineing them in his own way there is no reason to rescue them. If every time I was watching my kids my SO felt the need to come rescue them I wouldnt feel an overwhelming desire to help out as well,and yeah you would probobly get the deep sigh from me as well,because I would know where this would end up.

I love it when somebody tells the truth...^^^^^^This^^^^^ he has the magic wand and it's not his penis it's control! Turn the tables on him.....

Yes, I do have a suggestion. Ask for help!

Tell your husband that you need his help. You can't assume that he already knows that....while it should be obvious that you do.... if you don't speak up and say, 'Hon, can you get the door. I'm feeding the baby,' then you can't resent him. You can't hold someone responsible for something that they don't know they are doing 'wrong'. You need to speak up. Speak-up!

When it comes to your personal time.... is it possible to hire help? A baby-sitter a couple of hours a day? You need a break and you should plan on one.... and exercise is a fantastic way to relax.... or read or take a bubble bath....but for those 2 hours.... it is just you. You are not 'mommy' and you are not 'Mrs'.

I wish you the best. Know that a lot of women are in your predicament. Know also that your husband just needs to hear what you want. Tell him what you want need and I hate to tell you this.... but everyday and in every situation. I know! Exhausting! Oh, and try not to nag while you're asking for help. 'For Pete's sake! Can't you see that I am busy feeding the baby!? Why can't you open the door!? Why do I have to do EVERYTHING around here!? The housework and doing YOUR things....' Sound familiar? Step back and treat him like a partner, not another one of your boys.

This is wonderful advice.. however, I don't think OP should need to hire a babysitter so she can have "me time" when her husband is there to watch the kids! Also to OP, is this the only time he yells at the kids? They could always just go play outside or in their rooms during the time you are working out.