How do you tell your friend....??

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13

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  • howie4four
    howie4four Posts: 54 Member
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    My dietician made me keep a food diary and exercise log for a few weeks then she said to me......and these are the words that keep coming back to me..."YOU CAN'T OUT-EXERCISE BAD EATING HABITS". She called me on my stuff. I thought I was getting away with it......poor me--exercising all the time and never losing weight!!

    Sounds like that might be the mind set of your friend. Maybe try saying that line to her and see if she's ready to hear it!! I was. And today, I'm 70 lbs lighter. Still have 20 - 25 to go.....but 2011 has been a great year for the beginning of the rest of my life!!
  • MaximalLife
    MaximalLife Posts: 2,447 Member
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    The next thing I'll hear is "But I'm not prejudice! Several of my friends are fat!" ;}
    You are right, but no, I am very prejudice about who I hang with.
    And I refuse to associate myself with anybody who is immersed in bad eating habits and an unhealthy lifestyle.

    These types of people will drag us down - believe it!

    As for fat folks, I guess I still consider myself fat even though I lost the weight and reached my goals.
    Today, I have set newer, higher goals. And I'd be proud to have you as a friend knowing the direction you are heading and the challenges ahead.

    I was only speaking of those who refuse to change. I broke all connections with every single friend I had - no more of that!
    And guess what?
    Nature abhors a vacuum. I made new friends who share my passion for health and fitness.
  • Hambone23
    Hambone23 Posts: 486 Member
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    You are right, but no, I am very prejudice about who I hang with.
    And I refuse to associate myself with anybody who is immersed in bad eating habits and an unhealthy lifestyle.

    These types of people will drag us down - believe it!

    As for fat folks, I guess I still consider myself fat even though I lost the weight and reached my goals.
    Today, I have set newer, higher goals. And I'd be proud to have you as a friend knowing the direction you are heading and the challenges ahead.

    I was only speaking of those who refuse to change. I broke all connections with every single friend I had - no more of that!
    And guess what?
    Nature abhors a vacuum. I made new friends who share my passion for health and fitness.

    Okay, okay: you do speak much truth here. I find it really interesting, though, that you still consider yourself fat. I wonder if some people ever shed that inner image of ourselves. I hope so! I think it just takes time. You're looking out for yourself, though, and doing what you need to do to keep your new lifestyle, and that's not really a bad thing. I do understand that. :}
  • em9371
    em9371 Posts: 1,047 Member
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    It sounds like she is not ready to make the change yet, you are doing well so keep it up, she will notice what you are eating when you move in together and hopefully start to make healthier choices for herself.
    I have been there and no amount of other people saying 'if you only do xx you will be thin' made me change my ways. My friend started ww on her own, never asked me to come along, and after a few months i noticed she was doing so well, thought i can do that, and here i am!
  • Articeluvsmemphis
    Articeluvsmemphis Posts: 1,987 Member
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    The grammar police will be on you, lol

    Lose, not Loose.

    And if you're a good friend you WILL tell her but not in a passive way, in a concerned way that will show her that if she wants to change then she needs to slowly start altering the unhealthy habits in her life that will make that change possible; otherwise as a friend I would tell her to not talk to me about something she isn't making an effort on. It's a waste of breath honestly.

    Pet peeve, people who keep they mouths closed to avoid conflict, conflict is good, conflict brings about change, and in this situation let's hope for a good change.

    Bets of luck, be nice about it, but say something and be real with her.
  • RBXChas
    RBXChas Posts: 2,708 Member
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    My feeling is this: you can't change a person, and you shouldn't try. She has to want to change. Right now, she doesn't want you to solve her problem. So stop wasting the energy. Consider this: Maybe it's -you- who has changed, and because of that, she's no longer the kind of friend you need in your life right now. But only you can make that decision. Otherwise, be her friend -- not her nutritionist, not her personal trainer, not her conscience. If you can no longer stand her because of her habits, then that's on you, and you need to decide if you want to still be friends with her.

    ^^^This.

    Only she can decide what she does about her lifestyle. All you can do is be her friend, do your thing, and hope she joins you. Don't let her derail you otherwise, and if you find you are drifting apart as a result of your healthy habits vs. her not-so-healthy habits, then so be it. I had great friends come and go during high school, university, law school, work, etc, for various reasons, and never because of a falling-out. Just because you're great friends now doesn't mean it must remain so forever. There's a saying that friends are for "a reason, a season, or a lifetime."

    It's wonderful that you care enough about your friend to say something, but you can't turn on what my sister and I call "the light switch in your head" for her - she has to turn it on and keep it on. Others may assist in turning it on, keeping it on, or turning it off, but ultimately the decision is hers.
  • melissaw1232
    melissaw1232 Posts: 184 Member
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    If someone is complaining to you all the time then you have every right to give your honest opinion. Why should you be the recipient of the same topic but you cant give feedback? I think not. When you friend is on one of her rants speak freely. be honest. Just do it that one time but your disclaimer has to be that you dont want to here her complaining about her weight if shes not going to do anything about it.
    ** She will think long and hard before complaining again**
    and once she sees you dropping the lbs she'll come to you and ask you what your doing - then your refer her to mfp! :-)
  • AlmstHvn
    AlmstHvn Posts: 378 Member
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    I feel like I could be your friend. I've been the "fatty" of our crew of 3. The other 2 gals in our trio are average size and in good health. I'm the shortest and outweigh them added together. We've been friends for 12 years... and it was only this past summer that I started getting serious about getting healthy and exercising with a trainer. It is only now that I'm starting to adjust my eating habits, too. (Remind me to hug them for their restraint all these years!)

    My concern is that when your friend cuts on others - that sounds like her inner voice talking and it's really her cutting on herself. Assure her she's lovely and valued.... and to lay off the negative talk -- both what comes out her mouth and what's inside her head. The things she says about others are exactly (if not kinder than ) what she's saying to herself.... it's only keeping her down and feeling powerless. She can make changes - even tiny changes - and at some point she will decide "today is the day I will try." And if she doesn't... well... still, no one likes hanging with a Negative Nelly - maybe the whole subject of what people look like should be off-limits
  • MMC5335
    MMC5335 Posts: 11
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    The grammar police will be on you, lol

    Lose, not Loose.

    And if you're a good friend you WILL tell her but not in a passive way, in a concerned way that will show her that if she wants to change then she needs to slowly start altering the unhealthy habits in her life that will make that change possible; otherwise as a friend I would tell her to not talk to me about something she isn't making an effort on. It's a waste of breath honestly.

    Pet peeve, people who keep they mouths closed to avoid conflict, conflict is good, conflict brings about change, and in this situation let's hope for a good change.

    Bets of luck, be nice about it, but say something and be real with her.
  • galegetsthin
    galegetsthin Posts: 1,352 Member
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    My thin friends are a big part of why I have come as far as I have. I started paying attention to what they ate and what they did. I realized that they didnt eat the whole basket of bread at resteraunts, they didnt get the blue cheese monster burger with fries and macaroni and cheese. I figured that if I ate like them and moved like them, I would lose weight. It worked. I talked to a couple of them and got them to motivate me to do the right thing and one even insisted on ordering for me and her. She would order both of us some form of chicken and veggies and a doggy bag to come with the plate. We would split our entree up and put half to go home for a meal another night. She always drank unsweet tea with splenda, I would get water with lemon(cant do splenda OR unsweet tea). We would go out dancing, we played tennis, she invited me every time she went to the mall....... I started to eat and act like a thin girl and low and behold, I lost weight. We dont realize all that we are doing wrong if we have done it our whole lives.
  • AlmstHvn
    AlmstHvn Posts: 378 Member
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    and when u do tell her to eat more veggies, she says she doesn't like them or make it sound like they going to kill you.

    I'd like to hear some of her anti-veggies lines so I can use them, too! A lot of those things are evil, you know *wink
  • RedneckWmn
    RedneckWmn Posts: 3,202 Member
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    If she doesn't want it bad enough nothing you say or do is going to change it. I've learned that the hard way. You can beg and plead with someone but they have to come to the relization on their own. It sucks sometimes but that's the way it goes. I just wouldn't say anything anymore. If she really wants that for herself she will figure out how to lose weight. If she comes to you and asks you for help then you can give your 2 cents.
  • iheartyarn
    iheartyarn Posts: 141 Member
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    the next time she says it, stop, look at her, and say do you want advice? Truthfully? if she says yes, without going into details, just say something along the lines of "exercise is important, and you are doing great with that piece! however, nutrition is just as important, if not more. " See what she says. She is either interested in considering a change in her eating habits at that point-or not. Some people honestly just have no idea that they cant lose weight (well) by just adding some exercise and not changing their eating. By saying the above ^ you are not criticizing her or her choices, but opening the door for her to start thinking about nutrition and how she feeds her body.

    this is what i would do
  • Jenksb
    Jenksb Posts: 7
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    One of my dearest friends has a really bad sense of humor, he made a couple "fat" jokes when i got really big. Problem with me was, I couldn't "see" how over weight I was. I mean, i knew what the scale said, I knew what size jeans i wore, but i was in denial. When he made the couple of jokes he made... i was behind angry... it wasn't the best approach.. but it motivated me. I started working out and reducing my food intake... and you better believe that every sit up was a eff you to him! After loosing my first 10 pounds in the first month... it was no longer about him.. it was about me. I started to see what i had become... After loosing another 10 pounds... I looked back at pictures and thought... why hadn't anyone told me that i was that big????

    Point is...I wished my friends had been honest with me and said, Hey honey, you are starting to lose yourself.

    I would have started so much sooner. It took my friend picking on me...which was not the way I wanted to hear it... its like a stranger coming up to you saying...when are you do? Is that the way you want your friend to hear it? Id rather a true friend be honest and tell me. She could be angry at first but that will pass.

    PS... I got my friend back... He lost a tooth right in front after I lost 40 pounds... you better believe i didn't let him live that down! :D
  • pfeiferfit
    pfeiferfit Posts: 138 Member
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    It's a fact that when we hang with fat people, we pick up their habits, and the same is true for fit friends.

    Only partly true. Fat people -- like myself -- who want to change, can gain a lot of motivation from fit friends. They can learn from what types of food they order and how much they eat at restaurants or work. Fit friends can be excellent resources, full of information that can help their fat friends. But the caveat to this is that they have to want to change, to show commitment to it.

    I also find these sort of threads vaguely offensive. There are a lot of "fat" people on this site, who are trying to change their ways, and constantly talking about fat people in a pejorative manner sounds a great deal like prejudice and almost hypocrisy coming from people who have struggled with their own weight -- even if they have won their struggle.

    The next thing I'll hear is "But I'm not prejudice! Several of my friends are fat!" ;}

    I truly believe the other poster was talking about "unhealthy people" who are fat (as a result of health choices) - I have fat friends who have gotten healthy, they're great. I have great respect for them and want to be one. I also have friends who are big and make terrible diet choices (and want me to as well when we're together.)

    As for the body-size thing, this is common in people - MANY of us can't recognize who we are bigger or smaller than. We have a mirror but there's a lot of stuff going on in the brain to scew things up.
  • jaitken_22
    jaitken_22 Posts: 212 Member
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    In my opinion, you've already raised your concerns with your friend and suggested MFP to her, so remind her that they have your full support when she's ready. My mum is about 14 stone odd (say 196lbs) and is diabetic, lost weight through diet control a couple of years ago (about 28lbs), but when I suggested to her about using MFP she refused to and is a very stubborn person. Her diet is not as great as it used to be when she lost the 28 odd pounds. I want to help her better with exercise as when I'm with her she never seems to put her heart into it, uses her age as a reason (she's 57) and says that there's more young people at the gym than her, but I don't want this to stop her from reaching a healthy weight. I have tried to help my mum several times and have done what I can. So I think for yourself you have done your best to help your friend. At the end of the day I feel it is up to the individual to make the final decision to lose weight (I guess unless advised by their doctor) and I agree with one of the people here who suggested that we can't actually force them to lose weight. I really do hope your friend gets there eventually and realises that she has a great friend who wants to help.
  • ngory07
    ngory07 Posts: 194 Member
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    Well is she very sensitive?? That is important to know. I started out at 304 and I was always very honest with myself. I knew I needed to change but wouldn't make the changes. A few people mentioned my need to lose weight but they did it so nicely I didn't hear them. Most people were I think comfortable with me being so big they really didn't say anything. What I needed to hear was your health is in the ****ter, you look like crap, and you are slowly killing yourself. Yes I am sensitive so I probably would have been pissed at first but I am self aware enough to know what they said was true. Some people need a kick in the *kitten*

    I say assess her personality and go from there. Don't abandon her. But next time she makes a fat comment about someone else maybe tell her in a firm but nice way that she also can stand to lose maybe more weight than them. I was mrobidly obese and I would never call someone fat. But some people cope but putting others down. My thing was at every weight id see someone 400 lbs and would feel bad for them but think (not say) at least I'm not that big. Then I hit 300 lbs and realized hell I'm pretty much that big.
  • ngory07
    ngory07 Posts: 194 Member
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    Well is she very sensitive?? That is important to know. I started out at 304 and I was always very honest with myself. I knew I needed to change but wouldn't make the changes. A few people mentioned my need to lose weight but they did it so nicely I didn't hear them. Most people were I think comfortable with me being so big they really didn't say anything. What I needed to hear was your health is in the ****ter, you look like crap, and you are slowly killing yourself. Yes I am sensitive so I probably would have been pissed at first but I am self aware enough to know what they said was true. Some people need a kick in the *kitten*

    I say assess her personality and go from there. Don't abandon her. But next time she makes a fat comment about someone else maybe tell her in a firm but nice way that she also can stand to lose maybe more weight than them. I was mrobidly obese and I would never call someone fat. But some people cope but putting others down. My thing was at every weight id see someone 400 lbs and would feel bad for them but think (not say) at least I'm not that big. Then I hit 300 lbs and realized hell I'm pretty much that big.
  • d2rala
    d2rala Posts: 54
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    Your friend sounds like she is wanting someone to wave a magic wand over her to make her change. Too many women have been raised with the "Cinderella" syndrome. (A fairy godmother or a handsome prince will come along and make my life wonderful).
    When your friend starts complaining about not losing the weight, tell her that "we've had this conversation before" and she doesn't seem to want your advice on what SHE has to do. Tell her that you will support her in whichever decision she makes, (to change her eating habits or not), but that you don't want to listen to her make excuses about why her changes aren't working. Then stick to it.
    Leave the room when she starts whining. When you remove the attention she gets from her eating habits - refuse to be baited by it - she may change. Or not.
    Remember, this is her life, not yours.
    You can't change her life, you can only change how you react to her behavior..
    Good luck!
  • BarbWhite09
    BarbWhite09 Posts: 1,128 Member
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    Thats a tough situation...

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