Daughter's boyfriend, should I talk?

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  • speedyf
    speedyf Posts: 1,571 Member
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    My parents were very upfront about the fact that they didn't like me dating him. Their arguments were the same as yours; I was too smart, too pretty, too outgoing for him. They also said we spent too much time together and were constantly trying to get me to do things besides hang out with him. And you know what? My relationship with my parents SUCKED the entire time I dated him. Every comment they made about it made me want to run away from them and towards him. Every time they tried to stop me from hanging out with him, I wanted to see him even more.

    One thing I never did, is make comment on him, or tell her who she could date or not. I would never do such a thing, I would never interfere in her relationship like that, and I never told him she couldn't go to his place. Actually, this is her first boyfriend. She always said before that 'I don't have time for a boyfriend.'

    Finally, I think I might just have a hard time seeing her grow, and becoming a women, just don't want to see her being hurt I guess. But we've all been there...
  • AandJsMommy
    AandJsMommy Posts: 314
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    My kids are still small so I don't know what to tell you. I will be praying for you and and the situation. I wish you and your daughter the very best.
  • JulsDiane
    JulsDiane Posts: 349 Member
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    I see it this way: he is actually an amazing kid to be supporting himself at his age. Frankly he probably can't afford to go do anything and there is probably a bit of depression on his part. You should certainly be able to kindly tell your daughter that you think he may not be the right person for the rest of her life but for right now she thinks he is right; just provide a little perspective for her that he is just that more than likely~ right for right now. Encourage her to keep exploring her possibilities and focus on herself so she continues to grow and pursue her dreams.......

    She will get hurt and she will make bad decisions, period. Our job as parents is to support them regardless and be there to help pick up the pieces. They should feel the unconditional love we have for them even when we don't approve of their choices.
  • Panda86
    Panda86 Posts: 873
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    You "don't want to interfere"? She is your DAUGHTER. You have EVERY right in the world to "interfere", especially when she is so young. Seriously. I am speaking from experience. I really wish my parents would've "interfered" more when I was that age. You have more experience in these things that she does- if you don't tell her, who will? It's called being a parent- so don't be afraid to parent! Just be calm, and let her know where you are coming from. Obviously you aren't here to make her miserable- you want what's best for her. You can see things that she possibly can't. If you have an open, trusting relationship, and she can see that you are coming from a place of genuine love and concern, she may take your advice. At any rate, staying silent can be just as damaging....
  • Suzymo3
    Suzymo3 Posts: 77 Member
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    He may have abandonment issues, because of the life he had as a young teenager. Give it some time, as long as he doesn't tell her that she can't see her friends, talk to male friends, ect, I don't see where the problem is.

    He may also just be the type of person who likes to stay home and relax with friends/his girlfriend, or he may not have enough money to pay for your daughters movie or dinner and feels inadequate, so instead of telling her that he suggests they just stay home.

    Just be a part of her life and if you notice any warning signs of an abusive relationship, maybe have a chat with her.

    I agree, he sounds like he has abandonment issues and that is why he seems clingy with your daughter. He may need to work thru those issues as he gets older so that he can have a healthy relationship but, for now I wouldn't say much to your daughter if she cares for him because it might isolate her from you. Just keep an eye on the situation is all I would do.
  • kenyonsmom10
    kenyonsmom10 Posts: 97 Member
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    I don't think you're seeing the whole story... He doesn't "Do Nothing." He has raised himself, fed himself, clothed himself, managed to work from a young age to afford the bare minimum. He pays rent - at 17 years old. It's sad. He has far too much responsibility and hasn't had an opportunity to be a kid.

    It's likely he just loves her company, but may not have the money for the movies and social activities. That he's very socially awkward because of how he's been raised and what he's been exposed to.

    I can see how you're frustrated... but I'd let your daughter decide this for herself. If it bothers her, she should be the one to talk to him about it.

    Well, that's my rambling of opinions *LOL*

    I agree with this.



    I completely agree!
  • speedyf
    speedyf Posts: 1,571 Member
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    Where are social services? Why aren't they helping this boy? He's renting a room and paying rent at 17 years old - that's just wrong. There are two separate issues here - your concern for your daughter and the situation this boy is in. It's impressive that he hasn't resorted to doing drugs or dropping out of school - I feel very sad for him. He probably doesn't want to go anywhere because he's depressed plus doesn't have any money. I wish I had some good advice for you, just make sure your daughter stays involved in the things she cares about and continues doing well in school. As long as she's doing those things I wouldn't forbid the relationship, but I would try to find some way to help this boy! His parents should be prosecuted for child neglect and abandonment. I have a 14-year old boy and he's very much still a child - I can't imagine him being on his own in the world. Try to reach out to him, he obviously needs a positive adult influence! But of course, your first priority is your daughter. If he gets truly controlling or she starts to go downhill in school you will have to step in.
    agreed 100%

    That's what we do my boyfriend and I. He comes at home quite often, and since he's a car guy, like my boyfriend and I, we talked about cars, and when I take my '67 Bird out during the summer, I pick them up at school every sunny days, 'cause I know he really loves that, and so does my daughter. We go out for a ride, and he talks to us about his dream car and everything. I know we can reach out to him. The only thing that really bugs me, is that he once offered 'a slap' to my daughter, and I was right there. God I didn't know how to react! Should I say something or let her handle the situation? She replied something. When he left, I asked her if this was happening very often, and she told me that he said that a few times before, but just for fun, but that she didn't like that. I told her that she better gave him the message that, even if it was just for fun, this was an unacceptable behavior, and that if I was to be the witness of that again, she wouldn't believe how fast he would get out of the door! But then again, knowing he was left alone since he was a kid, I thought that maybe he just didn't realize that this kind of behavior could be... bad. Nobody was there to tell him anything. So I just let it go. And my daughter later told me that she had a conversation with him, and she told him that she didn't like it when he was saying such things. And I never heard him saying anything like that afterwords.
  • dmpizza
    dmpizza Posts: 3,321 Member
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    Given his background I think you should cut him a break, my guess is he will be a succesful person.
    He and your daughter are FAR tto young to be pairing up for life, so just let it work itself out.
    You might consider an away college for her where she will probably meey people more to your liking.
  • speedyf
    speedyf Posts: 1,571 Member
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    You might consider an away college for her where she will probably meey people more to your liking.

    Sorry, but my "liking" doesn't have anything to do with that.
  • Stefanie7125
    Stefanie7125 Posts: 462 Member
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    get him more invloved in your family activities. Make him a part of the family; dinner, trips, games, walks, etc. Help him to see how a family should be. I feel for the young man, he has had it rough, but I would be very concerned for your daughter as well. It does seem to be a very controlling situation. I'm sure he is scared to death that she'll abandon him too.
  • wickedcricket
    wickedcricket Posts: 1,246 Member
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    teen partner abuse is at an all time high - intervene NOW. Establish rules- period. They can 'hang out' ONE day per week for so many hours. IF he's NOT taking her on a date - he has to leave her alone. Period. He's not her husband and I'd move heaven and earth to keep him from being that.
    I'd get between them any way I could. Just literally sit between them. Get in his shat and he will go away to a female who's less hassle.
    FARK WITH HIM. abusers hate that
    Also, get your daughter informed & empowered. There are classes & programs for this. Young women from loving homes need to learn when they are being controlled & abused - that it's NOT love, how to recognize the difference & how to assert themselves
  • livnlite
    livnlite Posts: 520
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    I have to agree .. It's hard to know what the reasoning is behind his not wanting to go out in public more, without knowing more about him. I'd tend to think he may be very strapped for cash. HE's 17! and has no financial support. Further, he has no support at all...not to mention, he has not enjoyed the luxury of having any parental mentoring. He's done it all himself. Considering, he's become a 'man' that your daughter happens to like .. you have to give the guy some credit. He has done pretty well for himself.

    I would definitely keep involved with your daughter's relationship but at arms length. If he becomes abusive towards her .. then yes, you have a problem. If he steps out of line while he in your presence .. say something like he was your own. That helps to set boundaries, and brings his attention to it.

    My guess is the kid has some abandonment issues and lacks a sense of belonging as portrayed by his loner demeanor. He probably has been socially handicapped due to his life of (for a lack of better terms) "misery". That's where you and your family can help bring out the traits you'd like to see more of by accepting him .. faults and all...and tell him so. Perhaps an intimate talk not only as a couple but also as members of your family. Tell them both, or should I say .. 'share' your concerns and that you are 'there for them'. You may just find, his good qualities may become more and more apparent as he grows and matures.

    If you want to lay some ground rules, and set up boundaries .. as well as break down walls .. It's time to open that discussion. This might be a good opportunity to praise him for his efforts, and build up his self esteem .. You may have an opportunity here, to be one of the people in his life that made a difference for him.
  • MaraDiaz
    MaraDiaz Posts: 4,604 Member
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    I agree as others have said.

    He likely struggles with abandonment, particularly with women, since mom left.
    (my husband's mom passed away when he was 11, so his life from then was similar to the young man you describe)
    He may feel that he is not like other people their age socially awkward- and doesnt fit in. There fore, social situations are uncomfortable.
    the $$ piece, like others mentioned.
    Also, and not to open a whole new can of worms, but if they are sexually active, alot of teenage boys would rather stay home for that than go out. I am sooo sorry if that is offensive. Even if they are not sexually active, just cuddling and having the physical affection is worth alot more to teenage boys than going to the movies or out and about.

    "Also, and not to open a whole new can of worms, but if they are sexually active, alot of teenage boys would rather stay home for that than go out. I am sooo sorry if that is offensive"

    No worry :laugh: This is not offensive, we talked about that, and this is ALL clear. Even though we wish this comes the later, the better, what can you do! :wink:

    Well, you can make darn sure she's on the pill and takes it every day. That gives her full control of whether she gets pregnant or not. If that part is also settled, I wouldn't worry about it as long as she's happy. She's the one who will eventually start hanging out more with friends if she starts feeling like he's too clingy. Meanwhile, as others have said, the poor guy is probably genuinely tired and doesn't have a whole lot of money to take her out. Plus, some people just enjoy quiet time with one other person over going out. Some people are naturally introverts no matter what their background. As long as he can accept it when your daughter feels like being the extrovert, it's not a big deal. If he can't accept it, my guess is she'll make him accept it eventually or she'll walk away from the relationship.
  • EDesq
    EDesq Posts: 1,527 Member
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    I would need your advice.

    My daughter's been going out with a boy for a bit more than a year now (my daughter will be 16 on January 1st, and his boyfriend's 17 year's old).

    He's not malicious. Immature - yes, in a way. He grew up without his mother (she left with her 2 daughters when he was around 6 years old), so he was left with his dad, who, in return was never there. Actually he was left alone at home, and had to cook food for himself even at a young age because his father was never there. Really, never there. 4 years ago, he's father started to go out with a women. A year after, they decided to move together. He then told he son to find himself a place to stay, 'cause he was gonna go live with her girlfriend... alone. He was 14 years old. He moved to her grandmother's house. He had to work to pay for school 'cause daddy didn't want to pay. That's the kind of life he got. He doesn't have a lot of friends. I think he doesn't want to get hurt again. About 6 months ago, when he got his driver licences, he told his grandmother that he wanted to buy himself a car, she kicked him out of the house, telling him that she'll be way to nervous, knowing he could have an accident. He's actually renting a room near school. It's almost a miracle that he's still straight. Doesn't drink, doesn't smoke, doesn't take drugs.

    My daughter is a very outgoing person, she has a lot of friends, plays rugby, volleyball, touch football, does horseback riding, always on the move. The only thing her boyfriend does is lifting weights once in a while at the gym. When they're together, they do NOTHING. I mean, she goes at his place, and that's it. They never go the movies, they never go to some friend's place, never do nothing else, but staying at his place. When she wants to go the movie, he says yes, he comes and pick her up, then changes his mind, go to the video store, and ended up at his place. He doesn't want her to be around nobody. That's how I see it. And he's all around her. She can't do one step in the house, he'll stood up, go right after her. This is getting very annoying. Last night he was here, and was a bit disrespectful on his way of making comments about different Christmas decorations in the house. My daughter is brilliant. She's at the top of every class she's in. I don't really want to interfere, but I really have the sensation that he 'controls' her in a way. I already had a conversation with her, saying that it wasn't a "healthy" relationship when all two people do is staying at one's place, not doing anything, without seeing anybody when they are together. I raised my children alone. I left their father when my son was 2 years old, and my daughter was 11 months. Daddy never cared for his daughter, only his son. My boyfriend, we've been together for 7 years now, has been more of a father for her than her actual dad, but still. She's very sensitive, she tells me everything, I don't want to say what I think of him, and ended up her turning her back on me. Then there's gonna be real trouble I think.

    What would you do?

    (English not being my primary language, sorry for the spelling mistakes in there :blushing: )


    Your daughter is only 15 years old and has been dating for over a year. Why do "WE" adults of THIS Generation, believe that KIDS are ADULTS? Kids are kids and they THINK that way, to hell how they Sound or look; most of the stuff they say today they "Parrot;" they don't have an original thought in their heads...just like "we" didn't as kids. This young guy is to be commended for Surviving, but face it, he has grown up on his own wisdom, the wisdom and advice of a Child. YES, he has issues and may have many more in the future. Clearly he is Introverted, a loner, have separation, control and dependency issues (also money issues...that's maybe why the "not going out so much," it COST a Lot just for Me and My Partner to go to a movie and buy popcorn and soda.) And this guy sounds independent, so he probably figures up how much it costs to DO everything vs. his income (Where does he get his money to live? I presume a part-time job. If that's the case, School, job, study...Heck, I would want to "Lay-up" too with My Sweetie when I get time off...) ALSO, IF YOU DO NOT Know how he is making his Money to PAY for a Car , Food, Gas, Clothes, Rent, and Still go to school YOU better find out, QUICK! If it is ILLEGAL, That's a GAME CHANGER, TRY and Get YOUR Daughter out quick! Anyway, you are IN it now, handle your daughter with "kid" gloves, she is at a rebellious stage; just keep putting little "nuggets" of wisdom in her ear and eventually stuff will "click."

    ALSO, don't let him be disrespectful to you or say inappropriate things around you. If you do, it will carry over to him saying/doing it to your daughter; heck, he may already treat her that way...but you can not over look his "Inappropriate" talk or actions because of her, and you must correct him on the spot (he is testing his limits with you too; and once you are alone with your daughter explain to her why you corrected him, and drop in the conversation that SHE should never take VERBAL, Emotional, Psychological , or Physical ABUSE from anyone. It takes a while for ANYONE to UNDERSTAND and RECOGNIZE that they are being Abused Verbally, Emotionally and/or Psychologically.)
  • eellis2000
    eellis2000 Posts: 465 Member
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    I would need your advice.

    My daughter's been going out with a boy for a bit more than a year now (my daughter will be 16 on January 1st, and his boyfriend's 17 year's old).

    He's not malicious. Immature - yes, in a way. He grew up without his mother (she left with her 2 daughters when he was around 6 years old), so he was left with his dad, who, in return was never there. Actually he was left alone at home, and had to cook food for himself even at a young age because his father was never there. Really, never there. 4 years ago, he's father started to go out with a women. A year after, they decided to move together. He then told he son to find himself a place to stay, 'cause he was gonna go live with her girlfriend... alone. He was 14 years old. He moved to her grandmother's house. He had to work to pay for school 'cause daddy didn't want to pay. That's the kind of life he got. He doesn't have a lot of friends. I think he doesn't want to get hurt again. About 6 months ago, when he got his driver licences, he told his grandmother that he wanted to buy himself a car, she kicked him out of the house, telling him that she'll be way to nervous, knowing he could have an accident. He's actually renting a room near school. It's almost a miracle that he's still straight. Doesn't drink, doesn't smoke, doesn't take drugs.

    My daughter is a very outgoing person, she has a lot of friends, plays rugby, volleyball, touch football, does horseback riding, always on the move. The only thing her boyfriend does is lifting weights once in a while at the gym. When they're together, they do NOTHING. I mean, she goes at his place, and that's it. They never go the movies, they never go to some friend's place, never do nothing else, but staying at his place. When she wants to go the movie, he says yes, he comes and pick her up, then changes his mind, go to the video store, and ended up at his place. He doesn't want her to be around nobody. That's how I see it. And he's all around her. She can't do one step in the house, he'll stood up, go right after her. This is getting very annoying. Last night he was here, and was a bit disrespectful on his way of making comments about different Christmas decorations in the house. My daughter is brilliant. She's at the top of every class she's in. I don't really want to interfere, but I really have the sensation that he 'controls' her in a way. I already had a conversation with her, saying that it wasn't a "healthy" relationship when all two people do is staying at one's place, not doing anything, without seeing anybody when they are together. I raised my children alone. I left their father when my son was 2 years old, and my daughter was 11 months. Daddy never cared for his daughter, only his son. My boyfriend, we've been together for 7 years now, has been more of a father for her than her actual dad, but still. She's very sensitive, she tells me everything, I don't want to say what I think of him, and ended up her turning her back on me. Then there's gonna be real trouble I think.

    What would you do?

    (English not being my primary language, sorry for the spelling mistakes in there :blushing: )
    Maybe try including him in outings started by you. Like take your children on an outing to the movies or bowling or skating or just out to eat and include him. He probably doesn't have any experience with the social aspect of life.

    Edit to add: Maybe talk to him yourself, give him someone to talk to, be a parent/friend and let him know you will be there for him. he may open up without putting her in the middle. And if she see's you making room for him in the family and treating him like a son she may be more receptive when you talk to her about him because she realizes you care about him too.
  • ckmama
    ckmama Posts: 1,668 Member
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    I dare say they aren't doing "nothing" when alone. Maybe this was mentioned before and I know you think "not my daughter" but that is when hormones run the highest. I would try to invite them to do more things or encourage them to go places. He may not be able to afford too much if he is just making ends meet. He sounds possesive and probably doesn't have the best experience in dealing with women, as your daughter doesn't have the best experience with men with the father out of the picture. I would be careful not to push her too much it may back fire.

    Try to get her out away from him as much as possible and she will see how he is. Good luck.
  • Helenatrandom
    Helenatrandom Posts: 1,166 Member
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    He has been on his own since he was 14? Where is DCFS? His dad needs his wages garnished to support his son or his @$$ thrown in jail!

    I agree with the people who suggest including him in family outings and activities. I would like to add, though, to make sure it is something your daughter especially enjoys. That way, if he bows out, she can see for herself that they don't have much in common. I'm not suggesting you try to break them up, though. I know it might sound like I am, but I'd like the boy to be given every opportunity for normalcy in his life, and it looks like you and your family may be it! But I don't want it to come at the expense of your daughter's well being. I hope everything works out for the good of them both!
  • mwilbur27
    mwilbur27 Posts: 46
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    Honestly the reason why he probably doesnt want to go out and have a 'social life' is because it costs money. Sometimes its hard to pay for a ticket for a movie for yourself. Let alone when you want to be a man and buy your dates way in too. I think its more he's trying to live in his means than trying to hide her from the world.
  • speedycakes
    speedycakes Posts: 152 Member
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    Maybe suggest getting him help. He seems like a good enough kids he' s probably just afraid of being alone and is scared she is going to leave him like everyone else. This can turn into a huge problem in the future so better have him work on it now. I don't have kids so i'm not exactly sure what to tell you to do. Also is she on birth control? Sorry to bring that up but she's 16 and he's 17 and she's at his house a lot. There is no way it hasn't happened.
  • LJCannon
    LJCannon Posts: 3,636 Member
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    It sounds like your best plan right now is to keep the lines of Communication open between you and your Daughter. Make sure she is aware of his Controlling Behaviour whatever the reasons for it are.
    It is far too easy for Women to fall into a Controlling relationship and not realize it until it is way too late.

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