Daughter's boyfriend, should I talk?

I see it this way: he is actually an amazing kid to be supporting himself at his age. Frankly he probably can't afford to go do anything and there is probably a bit of depression on his part. You should certainly be able to kindly tell your daughter that you think he may not be the right person for the rest of her life but for right now she thinks he is right; just provide a little perspective for her that he is just that more than likely~ right for right now. Encourage her to keep exploring her possibilities and focus on herself so she continues to grow and pursue her dreams.......

She will get hurt and she will make bad decisions, period. Our job as parents is to support them regardless and be there to help pick up the pieces. They should feel the unconditional love we have for them even when we don't approve of their choices.

He may have abandonment issues, because of the life he had as a young teenager. Give it some time, as long as he doesn't tell her that she can't see her friends, talk to male friends, ect, I don't see where the problem is.

He may also just be the type of person who likes to stay home and relax with friends/his girlfriend, or he may not have enough money to pay for your daughters movie or dinner and feels inadequate, so instead of telling her that he suggests they just stay home.

Just be a part of her life and if you notice any warning signs of an abusive relationship, maybe have a chat with her.

I agree, he sounds like he has abandonment issues and that is why he seems clingy with your daughter. He may need to work thru those issues as he gets older so that he can have a healthy relationship but, for now I wouldn't say much to your daughter if she cares for him because it might isolate her from you. Just keep an eye on the situation is all I would do.

teen partner abuse is at an all time high - intervene NOW. Establish rules- period. They can 'hang out' ONE day per week for so many hours. IF he's NOT taking her on a date - he has to leave her alone. Period. He's not her husband and I'd move heaven and earth to keep him from being that.
I'd get between them any way I could. Just literally sit between them. Get in his shat and he will go away to a female who's less hassle.
FARK WITH HIM. abusers hate that
Also, get your daughter informed & empowered. There are classes & programs for this. Young women from loving homes need to learn when they are being controlled & abused - that it's NOT love, how to recognize the difference & how to assert themselves

I agree as others have said.

He likely struggles with abandonment, particularly with women, since mom left.
(my husband's mom passed away when he was 11, so his life from then was similar to the young man you describe)
He may feel that he is not like other people their age socially awkward- and doesnt fit in. There fore, social situations are uncomfortable.
the $$ piece, like others mentioned.
Also, and not to open a whole new can of worms, but if they are sexually active, alot of teenage boys would rather stay home for that than go out. I am sooo sorry if that is offensive. Even if they are not sexually active, just cuddling and having the physical affection is worth alot more to teenage boys than going to the movies or out and about.

"Also, and not to open a whole new can of worms, but if they are sexually active, alot of teenage boys would rather stay home for that than go out. I am sooo sorry if that is offensive"

No worry :laugh: This is not offensive, we talked about that, and this is ALL clear. Even though we wish this comes the later, the better, what can you do!

Well, you can make darn sure she's on the pill and takes it every day. That gives her full control of whether she gets pregnant or not. If that part is also settled, I wouldn't worry about it as long as she's happy. She's the one who will eventually start hanging out more with friends if she starts feeling like he's too clingy. Meanwhile, as others have said, the poor guy is probably genuinely tired and doesn't have a whole lot of money to take her out. Plus, some people just enjoy quiet time with one other person over going out. Some people are naturally introverts no matter what their background. As long as he can accept it when your daughter feels like being the extrovert, it's not a big deal. If he can't accept it, my guess is she'll make him accept it eventually or she'll walk away from the relationship.

I would need your advice.

My daughter's been going out with a boy for a bit more than a year now (my daughter will be 16 on January 1st, and his boyfriend's 17 year's old).

He's not malicious. Immature - yes, in a way. He grew up without his mother (she left with her 2 daughters when he was around 6 years old), so he was left with his dad, who, in return was never there. Actually he was left alone at home, and had to cook food for himself even at a young age because his father was never there. Really, never there. 4 years ago, he's father started to go out with a women. A year after, they decided to move together. He then told he son to find himself a place to stay, 'cause he was gonna go live with her girlfriend... alone. He was 14 years old. He moved to her grandmother's house. He had to work to pay for school 'cause daddy didn't want to pay. That's the kind of life he got. He doesn't have a lot of friends. I think he doesn't want to get hurt again. About 6 months ago, when he got his driver licences, he told his grandmother that he wanted to buy himself a car, she kicked him out of the house, telling him that she'll be way to nervous, knowing he could have an accident. He's actually renting a room near school. It's almost a miracle that he's still straight. Doesn't drink, doesn't smoke, doesn't take drugs.

My daughter is a very outgoing person, she has a lot of friends, plays rugby, volleyball, touch football, does horseback riding, always on the move. The only thing her boyfriend does is lifting weights once in a while at the gym. When they're together, they do NOTHING. I mean, she goes at his place, and that's it. They never go the movies, they never go to some friend's place, never do nothing else, but staying at his place. When she wants to go the movie, he says yes, he comes and pick her up, then changes his mind, go to the video store, and ended up at his place. He doesn't want her to be around nobody. That's how I see it. And he's all around her. She can't do one step in the house, he'll stood up, go right after her. This is getting very annoying. Last night he was here, and was a bit disrespectful on his way of making comments about different Christmas decorations in the house. My daughter is brilliant. She's at the top of every class she's in. I don't really want to interfere, but I really have the sensation that he 'controls' her in a way. I already had a conversation with her, saying that it wasn't a "healthy" relationship when all two people do is staying at one's place, not doing anything, without seeing anybody when they are together. I raised my children alone. I left their father when my son was 2 years old, and my daughter was 11 months. Daddy never cared for his daughter, only his son. My boyfriend, we've been together for 7 years now, has been more of a father for her than her actual dad, but still. She's very sensitive, she tells me everything, I don't want to say what I think of him, and ended up her turning her back on me. Then there's gonna be real trouble I think.

What would you do?

(English not being my primary language, sorry for the spelling mistakes in there :blushing: )

Maybe try including him in outings started by you. Like take your children on an outing to the movies or bowling or skating or just out to eat and include him. He probably doesn't have any experience with the social aspect of life.

Edit to add: Maybe talk to him yourself, give him someone to talk to, be a parent/friend and let him know you will be there for him. he may open up without putting her in the middle. And if she see's you making room for him in the family and treating him like a son she may be more receptive when you talk to her about him because she realizes you care about him too.

He has been on his own since he was 14? Where is DCFS? His dad needs his wages garnished to support his son or his @$$ thrown in jail!

I agree with the people who suggest including him in family outings and activities. I would like to add, though, to make sure it is something your daughter especially enjoys. That way, if he bows out, she can see for herself that they don't have much in common. I'm not suggesting you try to break them up, though. I know it might sound like I am, but I'd like the boy to be given every opportunity for normalcy in his life, and it looks like you and your family may be it! But I don't want it to come at the expense of your daughter's well being. I hope everything works out for the good of them both!

Maybe suggest getting him help. He seems like a good enough kids he' s probably just afraid of being alone and is scared she is going to leave him like everyone else. This can turn into a huge problem in the future so better have him work on it now. I don't have kids so i'm not exactly sure what to tell you to do. Also is she on birth control? Sorry to bring that up but she's 16 and he's 17 and she's at his house a lot. There is no way it hasn't happened.

Yep. A lot of people have said he seems like a good sort. Sounds to me like his self esteem needs a boost and that is something that needs to be done very, very slowly with someone so fragile (yeah I know he practically raised himself, but that doesn't mean he's not fragile). Baby steps - including him in family outings to somewhere he might feel safe might be a start. If he's not happy with that yet, invite him over for dinner and a movie to build your relationship with him too. It must be a weird feeling to suddenly be part of a family after having no one but himself. If I were in his shoes I'm not sure I'd know where to put myself. Sounds like he is more scared than controlling. Just keep an eye on the situation but I'm sure getting to know him better will help all round

I was this girl when I was in high school. I was dating a very nice 17 year old boy (for 2 years) who also had a horrible upbringing and was left responsible for not only himself but his two younger siblings. He was controlling, angry, and depressed. He didnt like me to be with my friends, we could only hang out with his and when we did, we did nothing. After two years I grew tired of it and did begin to branch out on my own. I started to spend time with my friends again and began o make plans for college. HE of course did not like this and we broke up. The thing is, your daughter will have to make the decision to end things or not on her own. As much as you would love to, you cant make her feelings for the boy dissappear. When she is ready, they will.

Hello,
I hope this helps your situation a little. I am also speaking from past experience of being on both sides of your daughters positon and her boyfriend's .He sounds like a great kid. He had a very difficult life and he is surviving thebest way he knows how. It sounds as though they do love each other, because they talk on a personal level, they spend quality time together, you have met him ( so they aren't a secret item), and both are still in school; meaning they aren't dropping out and planning to run away together. Now, he probably wants to stay in alot because he has to care for himself as an adult. Between work, bills, school, and no family support, he is exhausted. He is exhausted mentally, physically, emotionally, etc. He probably can't afford alot of extra activities that other kids take for granted. Such as the movies, dinners, clothes shopping. The other kids use their allowance for fun activities, he is using his money to keep a roof over his head and feed himself. With that in mind, your daughter doen't have to be his savior. If she feels she needs more from a relationship that includes more emotional support or just acting like a kid, she shouldn't stay with him. Also, I'm going to be frank and I do not mean to offend you, but they are having relations. Any two young teens in a relationship, where one individual has a place of their own without parental observation is having sex. Thats what teens do whether they are in love or not. They sneak out houses, manipulate emotions, lie about their whearabouts, and cover each other just to have sex with the ones they love. Now, it's great that your daughter is telling you about her relationship, which shows things are not as bad as it can be. You definitely want her to keep talking to you and comming to you for advice. However; you do not ( under any circumstances) want a child comming out of this relationship!!! I do not believe they would to that on purpose, but their are thousands of teenage boys and girls who didn't mean to have a baby. This boyfriend probably doesn't to be around her friends because he doesn't have the money for the activities. He also feels self conscious about his lack of family, clothes, and living arrangements. Teens at that age arentunderstanding to lack of money or amily. You could introduce activities to them that don't cost a lot of money or even free. For instance, seeing a matinee instead of regular priced movie, take walks in the park, go to the beach ( if one is near you), ride bikes, ride skateboard, go to out door concerts, go for pizza, etc.
She is on the border of being in a controlling relationship. Again, I don't think he is doing it on purpose but the signs are starting to show. If your daughter wants out of the relationship and doesn't want to make it dramatic. She can do it slowly. Just stop spending as much time with him. For example, instead of four days a week, lessen it to two days, then one, then break up. She can say her activities and school are taking up too much time for a relationship or say she wants to spend more time with family. As a parent just be prepared for everything.

At this age - the more you try and keep her away, the more she will want to be with him. This is a time for her to learn and grow as a person and begin to make her own decisions. You can let her know that you have concerns about how she seems to act differently when he's around - but I'd leave it at that.

He sounds like a strong person who has a lot of growing up to do (but don't all 17 year olds?).

People are mentioning abandonment issues - but I'm thinking it may be more attachment issues....

I don't think you're seeing the whole story... He doesn't "Do Nothing." He has raised himself, fed himself, clothed himself, managed to work from a young age to afford the bare minimum. He pays rent - at 17 years old. It's sad. He has far too much responsibility and hasn't had an opportunity to be a kid.

It's likely he just loves her company, but may not have the money for the movies and social activities. That he's very socially awkward because of how he's been raised and what he's been exposed to.

I can see how you're frustrated... but I'd let your daughter decide this for herself. If it bothers her, she should be the one to talk to him about it.

Well, that's my rambling of opinions *LOL*

I agree. For the past 3 years or so, I have barely left my house at all unless it involves going to the gym or college. My fiance is usually the one that goes shopping for us. This is not because I am controlling him or he is controlling me, but because I don't want to go out anywhere because I am self-consious. It sounds like he might be too.