Married but feels like a single mom

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Replies

  • ahavoc
    ahavoc Posts: 464 Member
    Stop doing his laundry. Make sure you have clothes for yourself and the kids. With your time work out, but don't let him know. When he wants his clothes tell him you didn't have time but don't tell him why, don't tell him you're exercising. Then he can't yell at the kids, or you, he can't sabotage your exercise, and he's got to figure out how to help you or wear dirty underwear.
  • jenniferg83
    jenniferg83 Posts: 278 Member
    suggestions - talk to your husband about your needs and concerns. All about communication. Marriages are work. Mine became a lot better when we worked out together. We joined the YMCA and drop the kids off and go do our thing. The kids love it there so it's easy to make it a family thing :) I hope you can find a way to be open, make changes, become happier
  • Sunshinema
    Sunshinema Posts: 34
    I am a single parent of two girls but what you wrote was my marriage. I ran it all, i found no time for myself and i was the glue that kept it all together. I then ignored myself and found that i put on a lot of weight (almost a 100lbs) and my asthma kicked up, my blood work was off, etc. and the stress almost killed me. I am now divorced down several lbs and although being a single working parent is stressful i make the decisions. Having said that, it is time for a heart to hear with this man. He needs to understand that he needs to help you. What will happen when the kids are grown. You will have nothing to hold you together if you dont make changes now.
    I can also tell you that it is very important to find time for yourself. somewhere along the way you will lose who you are and become angry and resentful and your health will suffer. I wish you the best.
    Also can you take the boys out for a walk every day? and use as the other person said the playground for some excersize. make it fun and the kids will love it and you will get excersize too. Try dancing and such with the boys. Put on some crazy music and dance. it doesnt matter what you do as long as you are moving.
  • michedarnd
    michedarnd Posts: 207 Member
    Sounds like your husband is from "backwards outcast village" somewhere way way back in time like 1940's or something like that...... Ewwwwww. Run away far away with your boys....

    I would try a different approach. Ripping children away from their father is generally NOT the best answer. The person who suggested the non-accusatory approach and the person who suggested counseling (and the person who suggested going outside of the house to exercise) probably gave what I would consider the most constructive advice. He needs to know that you can't be manipulated using your children into neglecting your health. You could point out that HE will pay the price if your health declines. I would try having the conversation when you aren't ready to call him names, however. I am not a good gauge of relationships, being single, but I have never found or heard that "YOU'RE SO SELFISH, AND I WON'T PUT UP WITH IT ANY MORE" solves problems, no matter how true you feel this to be. Most people who come off selfish feel justified in how they behave, so, instead, give him a selfish motivation to give you space (like, if I'm sick, fat, or dead, you'll have to do everything you expect ME to do -- think about it).
  • Determined24
    Determined24 Posts: 137 Member
    If you are able to join the Y they actually have a daycare that you can drop your kids off while you workout. Also my hubby was doing the same thing so I sat down and talked to him. What we came up with if you help me I will help you....the more he does in the house such as house work, kids, etc., I can help him in the bedroom. Sounds weird but it works no arguements he do work he get points I do whatever he likes in the bedroom without complaining try see if it works. It has bought us alot closer by doing it like this now he just does stuff without me telling him cause he wants those points.
  • boomboom011
    boomboom011 Posts: 1,459
    look if you dont want to do everything then stop. stop doing all the stuff you do. go on strike. i would only take care of the kids and he can fend for himself. if you do his laundry, then dont do it ever again. He is a grown *kitten* man. I used to resent my husband so much because I did everything. Someone gave me the greatest advice Ive ever taken. STOP.

    my husband doesnt babysit OUR kids. If i need to go somewhere and I am not taking the kids I say "honey i will be back shortly. the kids are here with you." He doesnt get a choice. Just like I dont. Those are our kids. Period. If i thought he was hateful to them well we would have another problem. Go to badbreeders.net and read some of those stories. You dont get to be ugly to my kids.

    I also show my husband respect and I dont talk to him like a child (and Lord knows he can be sometimes) but it works both ways. I cant control how he behaves I can only handle what I do. I dont have a perfect marriage and my house is a wreck but all i have to do is ask. Yes EVERYONE sighs and grumbles and thats fine. I dont give a damn to be honest. This is OUR house and we are a team. I also make the kids help out too. It wont kill them to fold a load of towels on occasion,

    Its a working ranch around here.

    My last comment, have a heart to heart with him. Take some responsibility for what youve done too cause in my own experience, i was not getting what I wanted and getting pissed off and all i had to do was ask for help. Quite humbling.
  • solpwr
    solpwr Posts: 1,039 Member
    look if you dont want to do everything then stop. stop doing all the stuff you do. go on strike. i would only take care of the kids and he can fend for himself. if you do his laundry, then dont do it ever again. He is a grown *kitten* man. I used to resent my husband so much because I did everything. Someone gave me the greatest advice Ive ever taken. STOP.

    my husband doesnt babysit OUR kids. If i need to go somewhere and I am not taking the kids I say "honey i will be back shortly. the kids are here with you." He doesnt get a choice. Just like I dont. Those are our kids. Period. If i thought he was hateful to them well we would have another problem. Go to badbreeders.net and read some of those stories. You dont get to be ugly to my kids.

    I also show my husband respect and I dont talk to him like a child (and Lord knows he can be sometimes) but it works both ways. I cant control how he behaves I can only handle what I do. I dont have a perfect marriage and my house is a wreck but all i have to do is ask. Yes EVERYONE sighs and grumbles and thats fine. I dont give a damn to be honest. This is OUR house and we are a team. I also make the kids help out too. It wont kill them to fold a load of towels on occasion,

    Its a working ranch around here.

    My last comment, have a heart to heart with him. Take some responsibility for what youve done too cause in my own experience, i was not getting what I wanted and getting pissed off and all i had to do was ask for help. Quite humbling.
    This is awesome advice. I would add, being the now divorced selfish guy that I am, I have grown up through the process of being on my own, thankfully. Selfish guys need to grow up. Instead of divorce though, here's a few suggestions.
    Make a list of all your duties. You know the duties are too much for you to handle. Call a meeting with him. Tell him up front the goal of the meeting, let him set the time of the appointment. The goal is to discover a strategy to lessen your load, not to get him to work harder. Identify what you can reasonably do, and ask for suggestions on how to get the rest done. He will probably pick out some things he can help you with. Negotiate with him to get some help. If he feels like he isn't up to speed on handling some of these chores, help him with some on the job training.
    If in this process you get him to take on a few tasks, you've made progress. Now comes the hard part. He will want to do it his way, which won't be the same as your way. Now he may come to find out for himself that your way is better, but let him find out for himself. Give him that opportunity. He will love you for giving him that, it will feel to him like respect, and that's what he really wants, your respect.
    This takes some time, and it's an ongoing process. Let him take ownership of the tasks. Don't bail him out by doing them for him, even once.
    After he's got it down, if you still feel overwhelmed, have another meeting. Don't be surprised when he now has a list too. Here's where the really good negotiations take place. LOL.
  • create4life
    create4life Posts: 2
    suggestions? Go talk to him and tell him what's going on. Go on dates, spend time with him. Make efforts to connect. Speak his love language. Sometimes these type of scenarios develope (selfishness) from a lack of him getting what he needs. I am speaking from experience here. Try, despite your feelings, ask him what he is NOT getting and then give it to him.
  • Johnnyswife
    Johnnyswife Posts: 1,447 Member
    Get a Wii Fit board and get your little ones to work out with you. Make a game of it and have fun! Or just take walks with them and do a light jog so the little one can keep up. See who can run faster!
  • seesusanwrite
    seesusanwrite Posts: 14 Member
    I kept thinking about your post as I went about my day and I remembered the absolute best advice I got when I was in a similar situation.

    Make a list of your " must haves" and "like to haves". The must haves are what you MUST have in order to be happy in your relationship. The LIKE haves are things you'd like to have but are willing work around. Only you can make this list. Once you make it OWN it and then, in a calm manner, read this list to him.

    At first I didn't know what my "must haves" were but it's fairly easy once you start thinking about it:

    1. Respect
    2. Trust
    3. Compassion
    4. Consideration
    5. Love

    Notice that "love" was not first. I don't believe love can exist without the previous 4. If you aren't getting these basic things from him you will have to start building the foundation of your relationship back up. You have to deal with how the relationship is now, not what it was before the kids. The fact that he doesn't help you out and that he 'changed' once you had children speaks volumes. To me, that is a lack of consideration and respect for what parenting requires, let alone what a marriage needs to survive. And I understand that you took a vow and take that seriously, but really- didn't he take the same vow? Is he living up to his end of the deal?

    Once you have your list, share it with him. Give him time to let it sink in but for heaven's sake don't just forget about it if he doesn't take it well. If he doesn't respect your feelings here than I would definitely recommend couples counseling so you can have someone help you both with your communication skills. If he doesn't agree, go by yourself.

    In the end, if he's not even willing to hear you or seek help for your marriage, you are responsible for your own happiness and the example you set for your sons. Only you can decide if the status quo is good enough. And since you posted on this forum I'm guessing that it isn't good enough.
  • robinso5
    robinso5 Posts: 310 Member
    Think of all the poor stay at home moms who have husbands away in the military or worse. So fining time vs having no one at all is better. Just know even though your not alone you are blessed to have someone in your life.

    I disagree fit4mom. It seems like you are saying if the man she was with beat her as long as he didnt leave any bruises she should be happy to have a man :explode: no he should help out. Now to all the SAHM with military spouses KUDOS to you. Their spouse is out saving our country and keeping us FREE (because Freedom is not FREE), i am sure when they come home they help out around the house. coming home from work or war doesnt excuse you from being a partner.
  • Ephena
    Ephena Posts: 610 Member
    I was in a marriage just like yours for almost seven years. I finally worked up the courage to leave him almost three years ago. It was one of the hardest and scariest things I ever did. I had very little support as I had almost no friends during that time of my life. But my kids and I are so much better off and happier now. I found I had so much more energy and patience and overall happiness without him dragging me down. I am healthier as well, because for the first time I have the energy to take care of myself not just struggle through day to day living. He didn't make it easy on me but I found I had more strength than I realized when it came to protecting my kids and making sure they aren't being raised to think he's a good example of how a man should behave.

    Good luck!
  • cygnetpro
    cygnetpro Posts: 419 Member
    Lordy, Lordy... how about you sit down with your husband and tell him what you've told us? He's not going to like it as people generally hate change, especially if it involves effort, but if he cares about you, he should be willing to take on some more parenting.

    Frame it as 'I feel exhausted... I would like...' - avoid criticising or saying 'You...'. Focus on what you'd like things to be like. Listen to his side of the story and negotiate. Maybe he was brought up in a family where the men didn't parent? Does he think this is the best way for you, the kids, him? How would he like things to be?

    Good luck!

    PS - if you're going to change your family dynamic, you'll need lots and lots of conversations. Years of habit don't change overnight, even if folk want them too.

    Really good advice. Gotta say, though, that I did this very thing. But after years of letting him treat me that way, he was not willing to even consider changing. In my case, I left him, after 15 yrs of marriage, and have not regretted it for a moment. I'm not for a moment suggesting that you do that-- this is NOT a club that I want anyone to join. But what you wrote sounded very much like what I lived. Selfish, selfish, selfish.
  • divergrrl
    divergrrl Posts: 33 Member
    Well, I used to be married to this guy!! He was the guy who was watching tv on the couch drinking beer! He was and still is very selfish! What I did...I worked outside the home. I worked at jobs that my kids could go to work with me. (Daycare, church nurseries, school bus driver, and I worked at my kids school) When it was outside playtime I walked around the playground, made sure they had healthy snacks (to share with me, lol), never sitting down unless it was rocking a baby to sleep. Stay active because you need to be here for a long time for your babies!
  • ishallnotwant
    ishallnotwant Posts: 1,210 Member
    To all those that suggest to "leave him" I took a vow almost 6 years ago and I stand by those vows. I don't take the easy way out like a lot of people these days do. Married is supposed to be forever, not just while things are good. If he were to become physically abusive to me or to the boys, then I'd leave him but that is not the type of man he is. I don't worry about him harming our kids, just not having enough patience with them. When I married him, he wasn't selfish. It only came about after we had our first. After about 2 years of having to put things he wanted on hold because our son needed something, he'd had enough. He stopped talking to and hanging out with our married friends that had kids because he didn't want to see how he should be. He started hanging out with younger, single friends that have no responsibility to anyone but themselves. I know this isn't how he truly is. I know he can be a different man but he doesn't seem to want to that right now.

    I don't know why I give in to him, other than it is a more peaceful house when he is happy. I am going to find a way to better manage my time so that I can fit in my workouts, mommy duties, working from home and doing all the other things that around the house that the wife is "supposed" to do. I'm hoping that once he sees that I can do it without him, that maybe that will open up his eyes. If it doesn't, well, it just made me a stronger woman and mom. And a healthier one at that. :happy:

    Thanks again to all the supportive comments.:bigsmile:

    Good for you for standing up for your marriage!! You took vows-not only to him, but to God as well. To those people who said to leave him for petty nonsense, it makes me very sad. People don't know how to make a covenant and stand by their word anymore. No wonder like half of all couples who get married end up getting divorced and families are being ripped apart. Integrity is becoming something of the past. People used to FIGHT for their marriages...now people just leave over petty annoyances because everyone is out for themselves. I really hope and pray that your marriage will be blessed as a result of your commitment and love. You are a strong person. Your husband is a very lucky guy. :heart:
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