Couples having separate interests and friends

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  • Juliebean_1027
    Juliebean_1027 Posts: 713 Member
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    It's possible that it's not you that he doesn't trust, but the other people who will be here at this party. Does he know them? I'm not saying he has to be BFFs with everyone that you hang out with, but I'm trying to put myself in his shoes and I'm not feeling so fantastic about the situation either. Here's what's going through his head right now (or at least what would be going through mine):

    You've done EVERYTHING together for the past 12 years and now all of a sudden that's changed -- change=bad news for most people
    You're going to a party with people he doesn't know, where you plan to drink and get out of control. Again, I'm not saying that he needs to be there with you, and I'm certainly not saying that you shouldn't have separate interests and friends (because I absolutely think that you should!) but what I am saying is that he's insecure and that's understandable.

    What's not understandable is him acting like a brat and saying that you have to go see his family on Friday instead of any other day this weekend. Not cool. He's trying to control you and the situation because he's nervous, insecure, untrusting, etc. You just need to talk to him. Communication is key in situations like this.
  • cobracars
    cobracars Posts: 949 Member
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    So what you are saying is that it is OK for him to go to a party with his friends and get drunk and flirt with girls and get out of control?

    My ex wife thought the same thing. Did you get the ex part?

    If it involves a party or hanging with the opposite sex your SO should be there.

    Agree 100%

    Casual social events like soccer games, bbq, craft fairs, art shows are all pretty tame. A party with alcohol is usually a cruising ground for people wanting to hookup. Not acceptable.
  • NoExcuseTina
    NoExcuseTina Posts: 506 Member
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    Change is always difficult
  • SinIsIn
    SinIsIn Posts: 1,865 Member
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    Um, all i got was that you wanted to go out and party and get your "hug" on with some "photographer" friends. So they are probably dudes...? Your man should be there. Would it be ok for him to go hang out with a bunch of chicks and drink and "let loose"?
  • Fit_Forever25
    Fit_Forever25 Posts: 313 Member
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    Its always good to give some space to your partner for a long term relationship otherwise you will end up smothering each other.
    Moreover, doing few things alone or with your frens (not your partner) will always make you miss him/her and keeps the spark of the relationship..
    If he/she is with you 24x7 then you will get bored and ask for more or ask for someone else ;-)
    haha .. NOM.. its always good but if he is not comfy with you hanging out with others then may be he is very possessive or insecure so try to make him feel more secured!

    and Have an awesome love life :drinker:
  • sexforjaffacakes
    sexforjaffacakes Posts: 1,001 Member
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    So what you are saying is that it is OK for him to go to a party with his friends and get drunk and flirt with girls and get out of control?

    My ex wife thought the same thing. Did you get the ex part?

    If it involves a party or hanging with the opposite sex your SO should be there.

    Disagree. If I didn't have total trust in my wife and her in me, we shouldn't be together.

    Exactly. If the only reason your wife isn't cheating on you if because you're there to **** block her, you have major problems even if she never actually physically cheats.
  • 3ur3ka
    3ur3ka Posts: 230
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    Me and my fiance' spend a lot of time apart. At least once a week one of us goes out and does our own thing. Sometimes more. We've been together for a little over 6 years. We're getting married, not surgically attached at the hip.



    I like being able to miss him when he's gone. and get ****ty drunk when I leave him at home. :D
  • hello_kitty3
    hello_kitty3 Posts: 98 Member
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    I am constantly having a similar argument with my husband and all he ever says is "I trust you but I don't trust the guys around". Mind you all I want is a girl's night out. I'm not looking to hang out with other guys without him. He's seriously concerned that every guy in that room is going to want me and I'm going to be too drunk to stop them. I don't get out of control when I drink... I may be a little silly and take funny pictures but I don't go around hanging on men. You didn't specify if the photographer friends were male or female but I'm going to go out on a limb and say some of them are males... if that's the case then it does seem a little strange that you would rather hang out with them instead of your husband. Trust me I totally get needing some time apart but its hard for guys to understand women having guy friends. I have a few myself but I've known them a long time, my husband has met them but if I were to suddenly want to go to a party with them and leave him at home he would have an issue with it. Would he get mad if I wanted to go out to lunch with them while he's at work? Probably not, but who knows. There seems to be an issue with there's drinking involved or when I explicitly tell him I want to go out without him. He has told me before though that he would never tell me I'm not allowed to go... but he just says he doesn't want me to and guilts me into not going. If you admit that you hug on guys when you're drunk then you should be able to realize what your husband is saying has some weight. Does he sound a little controlling, sure but are you completely innocent, probably not. A party isn't worth ruining your marriage. I say bring him along with you on your next outing and let him get to know these people and maybe it will be less of an issue next time.
  • oneIT
    oneIT Posts: 388 Member
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    So what you are saying is that it is OK for him to go to a party with his friends and get drunk and flirt with girls and get out of control?

    My ex wife thought the same thing. Did you get the ex part?

    If it involves a party or hanging with the opposite sex your SO should be there.

    Disagree. If I didn't have total trust in my wife and her in me, we shouldn't be together.

    Exactly. If the only reason your wife isn't cheating on you if because you're there to **** block her, you have major problems even if she never actually physically cheats.

    You don't know the history here so don't waste your time commenting on my relationship, you would wonder why i stayed for 12 years!
  • jtmh2012
    jtmh2012 Posts: 32 Member
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    Is the real reason you don't want him at the party because you know you'll be hugging everyone and touchy feely and you don't want him there to stop you from doing it?

    I think this is the real issue. From what the original poster wrote, it doesn't look like he has a problem with her going out in general, it's that he has an issue with her going out, drinking (ie. getting drunk), and getting huggy/touchy feely with everyone there.

    If her husband were the one doing that, everyone would be jumping on his case about how he's such a dog and disrespecting their relationship and how she needs to find someone better.
  • sexforjaffacakes
    sexforjaffacakes Posts: 1,001 Member
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    So what you are saying is that it is OK for him to go to a party with his friends and get drunk and flirt with girls and get out of control?

    My ex wife thought the same thing. Did you get the ex part?

    If it involves a party or hanging with the opposite sex your SO should be there.

    Disagree. If I didn't have total trust in my wife and her in me, we shouldn't be together.

    Exactly. If the only reason your wife isn't cheating on you if because you're there to **** block her, you have major problems even if she never actually physically cheats.

    You don't know the history here so don't waste your time commenting on my relationship, you would wonder why i stayed for 12 years!

    I didn't specifically mean your relationship, but my point still stands. If ONES wife wants to cheat or would cheat, and the only reason she hasn't is because one is there to stop her every time, it's still a problem.
  • njean888
    njean888 Posts: 399 Member
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    My hubby and I do separate things. For instance, I go to the spa or lunch and shopping with friends while he goes to a football, basketball or any type of game with his friends. We typically do not put ourselves at bars, clubs, or parties without the other. Every now and then of course something will present itself like a friends birthday which he will not be interested in attending, but the invite is always there. For example, I have to go to a birthday dinner/ drinks on Saturday for one of my friends. He doesn't know yet if he plans to come and honestly I can care less either way. I act the exact same way with my husband present or not, so in the end it makes no difference to me.
  • bonjour24
    bonjour24 Posts: 1,119 Member
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    like most people, me and my hubby have a life together and a life apart.

    i will actively encourage hime to go away for a long weekend with the boys, get as trashed as he likes, and come home recharged and refreshed. i have never worried about him cheating on me- why would he? i've also given him money to pay for dances at strip clubs when he's there on stag parties- and why not? there's nothing to be insecure about. he sure as *kitten* isn't going to see that kind of shizzle at home :-) anyway, he's coming up 40 and we've been together 11 years. we've got 3 kids under 5 and i very much doubt that he'd have the energy to wander, even if he wanted to!

    and i have a life without him. i have running weekends with the girls, and nights out when i can. and he trusts me implicitly. i'd never cheat on him- there's no reason to.

    we do have a life together as well. we try to include each other in our respective hobbies as much as we can, whilst remaining absolutely disinterested! he's into downhill mountain biking and i'm a runner, so we'll have a holiday and he gets to bike while i watch the kids, and i'll run while he takes his turn. then we do family stuff.

    sounds like your hubby has a trust issue. maybe you should invite him to your party.
  • tolygal
    tolygal Posts: 602 Member
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    So what you are saying is that it is OK for him to go to a party with his friends and get drunk and flirt with girls and get out of control?
    This is what I'm wondering too.

    Of course people can have seperate interests and friends. But what's important (to me, anyway) is WHAT you are doing during that time, and even more importantly - what you (as a couple) have agreed upon as acceptable. If you are hanging all over other guys (or girls for that matter), I think he has every right to be uncomfortable with that. I think that most signifigant others would be. I think (or hope) that everyone who is saying that your husband is insecure or afraid of losing, etc. you has missed the part about WHAT you are doing while you are out partying with these friends.
    He says I get out of control... but doesn't everyone when they drink?
    Ummmm - no. I have plenty of fun when I drink, but I don't get 'out of control' (at least not since I've been a responsible adult). My husband wouldn't trust me to go out partying without him if I got out of control - and vice versa.
    I just like to let loose and have a good time once in a while. Is that not normal?
    Sure - depending on what "let loose" means to you.
    I do like to hug everyone in sight when I drink, but I'd never cheat.

    This is where I would have a problem - if my husband "hugged everyone in site" or let other girls 'hug' on him, I would not be pleased. I trust him - but I'd be VERY uncomfortable with this and I promise you - no matter how much I trust him, there would be concerns. A little mild, innocent flirting is one thing - getting "out of control" and hugging everyone is site is quite another. I have a mental image in my mind of one particular (formerly) married friend who did this - NOT COOL. PS - did you note where I said "formerly" married?

    I think you should think about how you would feel if he started doing something that you weren't comfortable with - whatever that may be. If course, I don't know anything about you or your husband - but I'll bet it would bother you too.
  • stylistchik
    stylistchik Posts: 1,436 Member
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    Like everyone else has pretty much said, you can't spend every moment of every day together - that is unhealthy. I think the real problem is that he does trust you. If he's iffy about what you'll do/act like, invite him to come or meet your friends. Once he understands the company and atmosphere you'll be in, he shouldn't have a problem. If he is still uncomfortable that's his own problem and having separate interests will not put space between you, the lack of trust in the relationship will.

    You should be able to go out with the girls - even drink and flirt! the important part is at the end of the night, you still go home to him and that's all that matters. harmless flirting when you're in a relationship is just fun because it reminds you that you're still desirable... something we don't always feel when we're so used to a particular person.

    The only time I've had someone accuse/suspect me of cheating on them was when they were doing it themselves. If you're confident in your relationship there's nothing to worry about.
  • skittybang
    skittybang Posts: 1,525 Member
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    I WISH my hubs had some friends but he genuinely doesn't like anyone. Luckily I have male cousins that adopted him and they all like each other. I say this because I love meeting new people and going out with friends. We need that time apart - yes, we're married but we're still individuals, with individual likes and interests as well as similar ones. The time spent with him is wonderful, the time spent apart is also great in its own way. I think if he wanted me with him every waking moment (and vice versa) we'd grow quite resentful.
  • whtlatina1214
    whtlatina1214 Posts: 765 Member
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    wow this is my biggest struggle i hate when my man goes out but i like to so i try not to be double standard and get over it and i know it is healthy for separate friends and interest but trust is what builds a relationship and you need that other wise constantly being around eachother gets really old
  • stylistchik
    stylistchik Posts: 1,436 Member
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    So what you are saying is that it is OK for him to go to a party with his friends and get drunk and flirt with girls and get out of control?

    My ex wife thought the same thing. Did you get the ex part?

    If it involves a party or hanging with the opposite sex your SO should be there.

    If my husband goes out with his friends, I don't care if he talks to girls or flirts or even gets their number! He doesn't dance (a plus in this case) unless I beg him, and I know he enjoys the game of flirting. He would never cheat because if he did, he would be an ex too. I also know who his friends are, what they act like, and their wives/girlfriends. That makes a big difference. If I was uncomfortable with the way his friends acted, I might not be so crazy about him going out with them. I do the same thing if i plan to go out without him: I make sure he knows my friends and spends time with them so he knows the kind of company I will be in. I want him to be comfortable too. Sometimes he would rather come with us, sometimes he just says "have a nice time."
  • MassiveDelta
    MassiveDelta Posts: 3,311 Member
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    Bump for later
  • stormieweather
    stormieweather Posts: 2,549 Member
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    My partner and I do things together as well as separately. It's healthy to have separate interests. BUT, we don't drink and we never get "out of control".

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