Did i overreact?

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deansters
deansters Posts: 59 Member
in Chit-Chat
My boyfriend of three months still has his online dating accounts open
I really was shocked and extremely upset at this. i disabled my accounts when we first decided to go steady.
He says he doesnt go on it and only kept it because of our megs we sent back and forth (initially back in sept)
did i overreact?
I told him if its not a big deal then i will just reactive my profile again- this did not sit well with him and now he is extremely angry at me

did anyone have the same kind of issue?
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Replies

  • FearAnLoathing
    FearAnLoathing Posts: 4,852 Member
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    I do not think you over reacted on this one. If its compleatly inncocent why cant you reactivate yours? And if hes keeping it open for the messages you guys sent well he can save those to the computer
  • deansters
    deansters Posts: 59 Member
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    I thought it was just common courtesy to disable online dating profiles once people become steady
    I really hate to impose..So i thought that reactivating my account (with no malicious intentions) wouldnt matter to him
    But it did (very much so)

    That double standard
  • sappyoldlady
    sappyoldlady Posts: 49 Member
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    I agree if you have committed to just date each other, then why would it be open....unless he forgot to delete it....hence, would do that now...anyone could make a mistake...however, if that was the case it would be an easy fix.....I over react very easy...so I probably should not have even commented :) Hope ya'll work it out!
  • NatalieBrooke88
    NatalieBrooke88 Posts: 240 Member
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    I would have been very irritated as well..
  • tig_ol_bitties
    tig_ol_bitties Posts: 561 Member
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    How did you find out his accounts were still open? Were you snooping behind his back?
  • deansters
    deansters Posts: 59 Member
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    How did you find out his accounts were still open? Were you snooping behind his back?


    I randomly asked him when did we start talking
    he gave me a date

    im like lol dude how did u remember that

    he was like i went on my profile to check it out

    i was all like ???? you still have it open

    he was like yes
  • wendyapple
    wendyapple Posts: 323 Member
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    i think disabling profiles on online dating sites is a step in a relationship progression that people talk about and agree to a common decision on. my partner and i kept ours up until our third or fourth date, then decided we wanted to be exclusive and we chatted about whether we'd delete or disable our profiles, (ultimately ended up deleting them completely). it sounds like there's a double standard at play, he's allowed to keep his, even if he's not checking it, but you're not allowed to....i think talking about it to establish something more fair and equal would be where to start.
  • KatiePanda25
    KatiePanda25 Posts: 20
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    My 2 Cents, I don't think you overreacted. If yall were committed to each other then they both should have been deactivated. As far as him keeping it open b/c of your messages yall initially sent back and forth..can these not be printed off? GL though, I hope things work out for you :)
  • tig_ol_bitties
    tig_ol_bitties Posts: 561 Member
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    How did you find out his accounts were still open? Were you snooping behind his back?


    I randomly asked him when did we start talking
    he gave me a date

    im like lol dude how did u remember that

    he was like i went on my profile to check it out

    i was all like ???? you still have it open

    he was like yes

    I hate to break it to you sweetheart....but sometimes guys don't really think outside the lines like we do...they have an account, and that's that. They don't always *think* oh yeah, I could cancel this...sometimes they need a gentle reminder ;-) I'm sure it's harmless though, and something that can easily be worked out...
  • AllanMisner
    AllanMisner Posts: 4,140 Member
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    If he wanted the messages, he could have printed them. He should have canceled his account. As it stands now, he's receiving an email of other girls to consider. How cool is that? No, you didn't over react and he has no grounds at all to be upset.
  • OverlordMark
    OverlordMark Posts: 5
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    Its just dawned on me that I`ve never really closed my account on dating sites. Its just kinda left there and ignored. I wouldn`t read too much into it.

    However, I would like to point out that there is a huge difference between keeping an existing account going due to forgetfulness/habit and intentionally taking the time to create a profile on a dating site.
  • philOHIO
    philOHIO Posts: 520 Member
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    Reopen your account! Obviously he is keeping his options open

    Three months isn't really enough time to know a person... he is starting to show his truer colors. If it is "no big deal" he wouldn't have been angry when you mentioned it.
  • vinylscratch
    vinylscratch Posts: 218 Member
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    Definitely re-open it unless he takes his down. Don't let him play that.
  • Marley112586
    Marley112586 Posts: 168 Member
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    I hate to break it to you sweetheart....but sometimes guys don't really think outside the lines like we do...they have an account, and that's that. They don't always *think* oh yeah, I could cancel this...sometimes they need a gentle reminder ;-) I'm sure it's harmless though, and something that can easily be worked out...


    I agree with this. And also what another person said about keeping it open vs making one. I think it can be easily resolved. Just explain to him that by him keeping it is saying your not exclusive. But I don't think you over reacted. It was kinda proving a point.
  • BrandNewMia
    BrandNewMia Posts: 461
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    If he wanted the messages, he could have printed them. He should have canceled his account. As it stands now, he's receiving an email of other girls to consider. How cool is that? No, you didn't over react and he has no grounds at all to be upset.

    ^^This. I totally agree.
  • Smuterella
    Smuterella Posts: 1,623 Member
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    Wouldn't bother me. I've had accounts up for like the last 6 years and have had 4 relationships or attempted relationships in that time, including one of three years and one of a year. They both had theirs up too. Meh.

    TBH - you have only been together three months - that isn't time to even get to know a person, let alone really fall in love with them (lust love yeah, real love no).

    Boy, do I sound old and jaded!
  • anzabeth
    anzabeth Posts: 45
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    Its just dawned on me that I`ve never really closed my account on dating sites. Its just kinda left there and ignored. I wouldn`t read too much into it.

    However, I would like to point out that there is a huge difference between keeping an existing account going due to forgetfulness/habit and intentionally taking the time to create a profile on a dating site.

    That is true. It could have been an oversight, You can give the guy the benefit of the doubt. However, once he realizes it is an issue for her and doesn't close it..... Then it becomes a problem and means he is keeping his options open.
    If he refuses to close it, that's a sign that all is not well.
  • campi_mama
    campi_mama Posts: 350 Member
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    I hate to break it to you sweetheart....but sometimes guys don't really think outside the lines like we do...they have an account, and that's that. They don't always *think* oh yeah, I could cancel this...sometimes they need a gentle reminder ;-) I'm sure it's harmless though, and something that can easily be worked out...
    [/quote]

    ^^^^ Kinda my thoughts... ^^^^
  • catlady100
    catlady100 Posts: 154
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    Its just dawned on me that I`ve never really closed my account on dating sites. Its just kinda left there and ignored. I wouldn`t read too much into it.

    However, I would like to point out that there is a huge difference between keeping an existing account going due to forgetfulness/habit and intentionally taking the time to create a profile on a dating site.

    I agree. Now that you have pointed it out, does he refuse to close the accounts?
  • meltygarden
    meltygarden Posts: 111 Member
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    It's been three months. Now if it had been a year, that's a different story. I think at three months it's more important to just watch each other and see how each does things on their own, rather than trying to change each other's behaviors. If it were me, I would have just filed away the knowledge for a while and then checked back in after a few more months to see if it was still open. If so, I would just ask about it in a non-confrontational way and see what his point of view on the issue was. But if he decides to acquiesce to your viewpoint on how he conducts his business, wouldn't you rather that it was something he did voluntarily and not something you had to throw a hissy fit to get him to do?

    It's a little late for this particular instance I guess, since you have already reacted. But if you get another chance to deal with an issue that you two obviously have different expectations about, I'd step back and just let him deal with it himself on his own terms, rather than trying to force actions that you consider appropriate. See what he does and whether or not you can live with it. Talk about it without demands, retaliation threats, or tears. You don't want to get into a routine where he never knows how to act and you have to tell him so that he can avoid upsetting you. If the two of you operate that differently, better to just find out early and cut your losses than to drag it out. On the other hand, if you give him a chance to do it his way, he may surprise you in a wonderful way.

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