RANT: obese people that PUSH dieting advice!!
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to the OP
the more i read, the more i think your friend is desperately trying to hold onto you. like you said, instead of getting more and more shy, she responded to adversity by getting tougher and tougher, eventually turning into a bully herself. bullies are usually very insecure and treat others mean to avoid being treated mean by others first. if they don't get help they end up being miserable their whole life. maybe if your friendship is so deep and you two understand each other, you could go to counseling? i say she is fearful you will "leave" her, whether physically leaving or by losing weight and no longer having anything in common with her. what she doesn't understand is if she continues acting the way she is; she will lose you anyway. :flowerforyou:0 -
It's beautiful that you are loyal, and maybe even a little protective of your friend even though you recognize that she is bullying you. However... if she was a boyfriend, and you described the same relationship, you would be describing an emotionally abusive relationship. The advice for anyone in that kind of relationship is: either you and your friend get counseling to move forward in a positive, healthy direction... or you break up and move on. I understand that people saying "dump the b**ch!* seems flip and callous and doesn't take anything you feel, or what she is to you in your life, into account. And in that sense maybe it feels like more people pushing advice that doesn't work for you.
That said, your relationship with her is toxic, abusive, and codependent. That doesn't mean changing (or ending) the relationship is at all an easy thing, because it certainly would not be. The first thing though is for you to realize that you deserve a supportive, loving friendship. You deserve that. You don't deserve to always be overlooking her bullying, and her disregard for you, and her attempts to manipulate you. You deserve to feel worthwhile of real, true friendship. If you feel like this is the best you can expect from friendship, then that is a much bigger issue than whether or not the idea of animal crackers sends her off on a two hour rampage.
She can be wrong and misguided about diet and nutrition and fitness, or she can know everything about it. It doesn't matter. The bigger issue is the dynamic between you. It might be time to consider that your move toward fitness includes bringing to light every aspect of your life that could be healthier. You already know that she doesn't treat you right. You've explained why you feel like that's okay, and something you're willing to tolerate. I think examining that a little more fully, maybe in counseling, would be a good choice. Having a neutral party to talk things out with is very helpful.
You talk about how she's always been there, and is still your best friend after all this time. You need to ask: would she still be your best friend if you set healthy boundaries and fully believed that you deserve respect from everyone, ESPECIALLY from those who claim a place in your heart and life? If she's only your friend, only there for you, if you let her treat you like this... if you're afraid that changing what you expect from her would cause her to resent and leave you... then she's only ever been there for HERSELF, and you don't owe her what it will cost you to let this continue for the next 10 years.
And if she is a true friend, who does love you, then it may be tricky, but you and she will make a new dynamic, as grown women. It's not about dropping a friend from your life, necessarily: but you don't have to continue to allow her to bully and disrespect you.0 -
Simple response, "Excuse ,me, but when YOU are slender and eating healthy, then perhaps I will listen to you, until then, get the heck away from me and let me eat in peace."
THIS!0 -
Doctor Oketer - chocolate mouse
http://www.oetker.ca/en/product/powder-desserts/mousse/13510
it is about 50 calories per serving , or about 200 if you eat the whole package (like I may or may not have done at certain times of the month)
I like it better than pudding as it feels more luxurious0 -
Ditto not only that but FB makes a delete button she's not a friend but a frenemy you don't need her!!!A good friend is like a good bra--supportive and uplifting.
This is my new favorite saying!0 -
My nutrition professor is awesome (teaching-wise), but the guy is obese. His class gets filled up pretty quickly, because he teaches the subject so well and thoroughly. For some reason, even though he knows a lot about nutrition and fitness, he just can't seem to follow the information himself. It's kind of sad, considering he's been teaching the subject for years and continues to conduct studies related to nutrition. Nutrition is pretty much his life's calling.0
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At least you are trying to lose the weight through diet and exercise. I hate when large people complain about how big they are as they are shoving a double whopper in their mouth with a diet coke, then once they are over 600lbs decide to get weightloss surgery!! I wish I could get weightloss surgery on tricares dime. Or when I post on facebook that I'm trying to drop a few lbs my larger friends start saying really mean things to me, even though I'm super supportive of them. I say who cares if you're big or little if you're not happy with your body do something about it as long as its healthy and not dangerous.
Anyways try smoothies or reward yourself once a week with a treat. I'm a sucker for sugar as well, I reward myself with a Dr pepper every two weeks but the rest of my meals are healthy and I make sure to stay under my daily calories goal on that day so my Dr pepper fits in and I'm not over my calories. Like say I have 150 caps left I know I can afford the Dr pepper because it has that many caps in it. Good luck and I hope you reach your goals!!!0 -
At least you are trying to lose the weight through diet and exercise. I hate when large people complain about how big they are as they are shoving a double whopper in their mouth with a diet coke, then once they are over 600lbs decide to get weightloss surgery!! I wish I could get weightloss surgery on tricares dime. Or when I post on facebook that I'm trying to drop a few lbs my larger friends start saying really mean things to me, even though I'm super supportive of them. I say who cares if you're big or little if you're not happy with your body do something about it as long as its healthy and not dangerous.
You need new friends.0 -
At least you are trying to lose the weight through diet and exercise. I hate when large people complain about how big they are as they are shoving a double whopper in their mouth with a diet coke, then once they are over 600lbs decide to get weightloss surgery!! I wish I could get weightloss surgery on tricares dime. Or when I post on facebook that I'm trying to drop a few lbs my larger friends start saying really mean things to me, even though I'm super supportive of them. I say who cares if you're big or little if you're not happy with your body do something about it as long as its healthy and not dangerous.
You need new friends.
^ Agreed.
Ladies and gents. Friendship is mutual caring and respect. If your "friends" make you feel bad about taking care of yourself, they aren't really friends, and you don't need them. There are a lot of amazing people out there who will care. Get out and get involved in meetup groups or other activities that you like and find new ones. If your friends are otherwise cool, then lay down the law and tell them how much it hurts you to hear this. If they don't care and continue to be mean, see my third sentence.0 -
People with bad relationships in regards to food can sometimes be quite obsessive. Obesity isn't always about lack of knowledge but can be psychological issues left unaddressed.
Its interesting that she is so obese and her mum is a nutritionist. Makes me wonder if she is repeating her mums absolutes and that food is a control issue in the daughter/mum relationship.
I had a friend who many years ago had a battle with an eating disorder and while she was starving herself she was obsessed with food, shopping for it, finding new recipes, gourmet cooking. I think unhealthy attitudes to food can manifest in lots of ways.
What many others have posted I agree with this is about her issues not yours.
Its great that you have a measured approach, and will you make mistakes? Sure you will, but thats part of the journey while you discover what works for you. Your friends actions as well meaning as it may be doesn't empower you as an individual.
I think even if you stop talking about your new healthier lifestyle with her each new visible weight loss goal will trigger additional similiar responses.
My heart goes out to this girl and I wish you both success.0 -
Simple response, "Excuse ,me, but when YOU are slender and eating healthy, then perhaps I will listen to you, until then, get the heck away from me and let me eat in peace."
ooo burn loll Imagine the look on that ladies face if she were to say that...they'd stop being friends for life lollll!0 -
[/quote] Ditto not only that but FB makes a delete button she's not a friend but a frenemy you don't need her!!!
[/quote]
we all have frenemies! i thought i was the only one that used this word
Its some times good to keep them on...they provide you with motivation! Well they have me lol0 -
Slapping food out of someones hand is a no no....if they did that to me i woulda spaked it lol!
Your doing great! Keep the sweet snacks and do what you know is working for you!
I am a little information obsessed so Id go straight to the mum and ask her the best way to lose weight and see how close it is to MFP.....It would be good to see the differences that can work, but i under no circumstances would disclose what you do because you dont want mother to be like daughter. MFP is a great when it works.....ive been on it for ages and gah its being silly for me lol I stuck to it for like 4 months doing exercise and lost nothing, i change my daily rate, my intake my outtake and gosh its like talking to your friend....its just frustrating that i cant get the right level that it works for me! Tomorrow i am changing my levels again and see how that works out for the next 4 weeks!
Good luck and ignore the haters!0 -
quote]
A good friend is like a good bra--supportive and uplifting. She is neither.
[/quote]0 -
People with bad relationships in regards to food can sometimes be quite obsessive. Obesity isn't always about lack of knowledge but can be psychological issues left unaddressed.
Its interesting that she is so obese and her mum is a nutritionist. Makes me wonder if she is repeating her mums absolutes and that food is a control issue in the daughter/mum relationship.
I had a friend who many years ago had a battle with an eating disorder and while she was starving herself she was obsessed with food, shopping for it, finding new recipes, gourmet cooking. I think unhealthy attitudes to food can manifest in lots of ways.
What many others have posted I agree with this is about her issues not yours.
Its great that you have a measured approach, and will you make mistakes? Sure you will, but thats part of the journey while you discover what works for you. Your friends actions as well meaning as it may be doesn't empower you as an individual.
I think even if you stop talking about your new healthier lifestyle with her each new visible weight loss goal will trigger additional similiar responses.
My heart goes out to this girl and I wish you both success.
Agree. Being overweight means I have basically been trying to lose weight since I was a teenager. As a result, I have a head full of knowledge about food and exercise. Unfortunately my weight gain has been a result of my depression and anxiety, issues with food and so on. Not making excuses, just stating how it is.
However, there are people who are overweight because they don't understand nutrition or how to eat and exercise to lose weight. I think that's why I disagree with a 1 size fits all approach. People have different reasons why they're overweight, and need to figure out what works for them.0 -
OP Here.
Many people are telling me to drop this friend, let me explain why I have not done that. We have been best friends since we were in the 4th grade. we were always the "fat girls" Even if we were only 20ish lbs heaver than other children our age, we were always the "fat girls" and no one wanted to be our friends, so we clung to eachother life lifeboats to keep our heads just bearly above water. without her I surly would have been a mess, and I believe the same applys to her.
She is a *****, she is a know it all, shes rude, and obnxious, hateful even. But can I blame her???
We were tortured for years over our weight, so she fought back with torment and words, where is I just became a shy closet eater.
I LOVE her, shes my best friend, I want to share this wit her, I just don't want to be ripped apart for it because shes a bully.
Yes, shes a bully. She has bullied me half my life, I never understood why we stayed friends, why I could even stand her.
But when you have no one, its easy to except someone for every flaw the have even when it hurts you.
Still to this day, im 23 now, and she is still my only friend.
its funny how even with age and maturity, no one wants to be friends with the fat chick.
No one wants to be friends with the fat chick? Yes there will always be people who judge you that way but there are many people here on the boards that have a wide circle of friends and are still overweight. So you can't use that as an excuse.
I think you are about to outgrow this friendship. I am not saying you won't keep in touch but this friendship is about both of you fitting into a hostile/defensive "us against the world, unpopular fat chick identity".
You are not a fat chick anymore! Your a fit healthy athletic chick and your body is just taking some time to catch up with that. You have changed your habits. Your habits are not those of a "fat chick" its those of a healthy person. Your identity has changed and will continue to do so. I think your friend is trying to keep you trapped in the negativity of the past.
Your 23 and you express yourself well, I am sure you will figure out what works for you in the end.
Good luck!0 -
You don't know how much that single post helped me just than...its like it clicked, the plantes alined and everything makes since now. your words just set me free.OP Here.
Many people are telling me to drop this friend, let me explain why I have not done that. We have been best friends since we were in the 4th grade. we were always the "fat girls" Even if we were only 20ish lbs heaver than other children our age, we were always the "fat girls" and no one wanted to be our friends, so we clung to eachother life lifeboats to keep our heads just bearly above water. without her I surly would have been a mess, and I believe the same applys to her.
She is a *****, she is a know it all, shes rude, and obnxious, hateful even. But can I blame her???
We were tortured for years over our weight, so she fought back with torment and words, where is I just became a shy closet eater.
I LOVE her, shes my best friend, I want to share this wit her, I just don't want to be ripped apart for it because shes a bully.
Yes, shes a bully. She has bullied me half my life, I never understood why we stayed friends, why I could even stand her.
But when you have no one, its easy to except someone for every flaw the have even when it hurts you.
Still to this day, im 23 now, and she is still my only friend.
its funny how even with age and maturity, no one wants to be friends with the fat chick.
No one wants to be friends with the fat chick? Yes there will always be people who judge you that way but there are many people here on the boards that have a wide circle of friends and are still overweight. So you can't use that as an excuse.
I think you are about to outgrow this friendship. I am not saying you won't keep in touch but this friendship is about both of you fitting into a hostile/defensive "us against the world, unpopular fat chick identity".
You are not a fat chick anymore! Your a fit healthy athletic chick and your body is just taking some time to catch up with that. You have changed your habits. Your habits are not those of a "fat chick" its those of a healthy person. Your identity has changed and will continue to do so. I think your friend is trying to keep you trapped in the negativity of the past.
Your 23 and you express yourself well, I am sure you will figure out what works for you in the end.
Good luck!
"I am not a fat chick anymore! I'm a fit healthy athletic chick but my body is just taking some time to catch up with that. I have changed my habits. My habits are not those of a "fat chick" it’s that of a healthy person. My identity has changed and will continue to do so!"
Affirmations to say to myself every night, and every morning!!
THANK YOU!!!0 -
I think it's one of those "Lord, if you can't make me skinny, please make my friends fat" kind of thing.0
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OP Here.
Many people are telling me to drop this friend, let me explain why I have not done that. We have been best friends since we were in the 4th grade. we were always the "fat girls" Even if we were only 20ish lbs heaver than other children our age, we were always the "fat girls" and no one wanted to be our friends, so we clung to eachother life lifeboats to keep our heads just bearly above water. without her I surly would have been a mess, and I believe the same applys to her.
She is a *****, she is a know it all, shes rude, and obnxious, hateful even. But can I blame her???
We were tortured for years over our weight, so she fought back with torment and words, where is I just became a shy closet eater.
I LOVE her, shes my best friend, I want to share this wit her, I just don't want to be ripped apart for it because shes a bully.
Yes, shes a bully. She has bullied me half my life, I never understood why we stayed friends, why I could even stand her.
But when you have no one, its easy to except someone for every flaw the have even when it hurts you.
Still to this day, im 23 now, and she is still my only friend.
its funny how even with age and maturity, no one wants to be friends with the fat chick.
I have to make myself clear on this regarding my previous reply. When I said "walk away" I didn't mean for good by the way, only at those times when she, for instance, grabs your food and chucks it away. When those occasions happen, walk away. Come back later and if she does it again, once more, walk away. Continue doing that until she learns to leave you alone. That way, you will be doing her a service and yoruself too :flowerforyou:0 -
Simple response, "Excuse ,me, but when YOU are slender and eating healthy, then perhaps I will listen to you, until then, get the heck away from me and let me eat in peace."
Love this response! We should all have the "balls" to say it when necessary. My husband is a big guy and I feel bad for him sometimes. At work when he has his lunch, if he's eating something someone else thinks isn't good for him, they'll comment on it and say ... "Oh you shouldn't be eating that; it's not good for you". If he's eating something healthy, which he tries to do, someone will comment and say...."Oh that isn't enough food for you". People - shut the heck up and mind your own business. There's my rant for the day. Love this site and all you guys for your support!! 0
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