married - joining finances/seperate - HELP!

To each their own, but when I married my husband he wasn't working due to an injury and I added him to my account. We don't have mine,yours and ours here. We share it all. It's kinda degrading to have that thrown in your face. My ex husband would say things like that to me and he only made more the last year of our marriage.

We joined our finances when we got married.... Are you planning on divorce?! If not there is no reason for it to be separate.zz that's jyst weird to me.

I can definitely feel your pain here. Just came out of a marriage where he makes well over $80,000/year and bonus's and I make a measley $21,000. It was often thrown in my face that he pays the majority of bills. Well, with the amount of money I bring home, there is no way I could make a $1,200 payment on a home (his home when we married). Our accounts were each visable to the other and I never took money out of his account unless I were to ask, which was rare. It was a tough situation.

"A" is being a bully. Once married, legally the money belongs to both.

I guess some counselling is in order. "A" should be able to recognise the fallacy in his argument. . .this is a power struggle.

Yes - and in THIS country at least A's bucks would be predominantly Bs because B has children to take care of for at least 18 years!!!

I totally agree with you!

I haven't had a seperate account in years... everything is joint. I make more money in the household but I'm awful with finances so it works for us. I know many couples who have things seperately and that works for them.

I think you need to find some common ground... perhaps keep seperate accounts for personal stuff but have a joint accout where a certain % of each pay is deposited for the household.

My wife and I have a similar situation -- i'm the one making more $$. No big deal to me since we are a married couple. Sometimes I pay for everything and usually pay the majority of the expenses.

We both have our own checking accounts for spending what we want and maintain a separate joint checking account which we make donations in ratio of what we get paid and the size of the bills. Someday the situation might be reversed.

Your wife is a very blessed woman.

Agree with PPs. I think joining or not joining finances is totally up to you - my parents each have their own separate checking accounts AND a joint account.

As someone else said, once married you share finances. Even if you have separate checking accounts "what's mine is yours and what's yours is mine" still stands - A should NOT be throwing that he/she pays most of the "bills" in the face of B. B is obviously heavily contributing to the household - not only financially by paying for childcare and groceries, but also by taken care of the kids, house, and cooking.

I'm editing from what I had posted. Also, the thing that sucks for B is that childcare and taking care of the household is HARD work but is seen as "not contributing much" by A since it's not paid work. Grrr.

When we married, we joined all of our finances. It works for us. I earn about double what my husband earns.

guess I'm old school but if your married, so are your finances. Whats mine is mine and whats yours is mine.

:happy:

A went into the relationship and marriage knowing Bs status financially. If A feels that they are so much more important in the relationship that they feel the need to throw it in As face that they make more money, then they need an attitude adjustment.
The only "fair" way would be percentage for all shared bills and then separate accounts for things like clothing, etc.
Now, is there something B isn't saying? Like does B take advantage of A and use A's money to buy frivolous junk that A doesn't approve of like $1200 pairs of shoes or $500 purses(or electronics, cars, gadgets--whatever)? If this is really the case, then I think the 1 shared account for bills and then separate for personal stuff would probably work best.
I've had a shared account for as long as I can remember. It was just easier to keep track of spending that way. Also, I'm a SAHM, so bring in 0 income. I'd divorce my husband if he said something along the lines of "Well I make all the money, so i get to make all financial decisions."

The separate accounts part isn't the red flag. It is that A is throwing it in Bs face. A has control issues I suspect. I would recommend that B get some counseling and be really honest about everything that goes on in the relationship.

I am getting out of a 20 year marriage where my ex has major control issues. The money issues were just one symptom. There were plenty of others that I ignored while trying to make the marriage work. If I had had the courage to be honest about everything that was going on, I might have had the strength to get out earlier and save myself and my kids lots and lots of dysfunction and pain.

http://www.mdmproofing.com/iym/weblog/2007/01/suze-orman-how-split-bills/

I think everyone approaches this differently, but this is how I see it.

Before you got married A and B were separate, but once you got married A and B became C. C is a new entity, a joint entity. There are no more separate parts. Each takes on the other's debts. This is the way I view marriage. Keeping finances separate in marriage only perpetuates separation. It does not foster union.

In my opinion, both salaries should go into the same pot. All bill should be paid from that pot, then each spouse received a certain amount of money to spend as they wish without the need to consult with the other. This money can be cash in hand or a separate account. That is up to you. How you apportion that money is also up to you. You can decide that each partner gets an equal share, or each partner gets a proportional share.

Example:

A makes $100,000 and B makes $30,000. For a total income of $130,000.

Both checks are deposited into the same account. Out of that account ALL bills are paid, and ALL savings accounts/investments are funded as you all see fit. In the end, let's say there is $1,000 per pay period left for discretionary spending.

If you all agree to divide the funds evenly, both A and B get $500 a piece to spend as they see fit.

If you agree to divide the funds proportionately, A get's 70% or $700 and B gets 30% or $300. Again, each spends their money as they see fit.

It's important that each person gets an amount of money they can spend without the other's input. After all, we are adults not children. We should not have to get the approval of the other if you want to buy a new shirt. That is demeaning, and can introduce unnecessary friction into the marriage. HOWEVER, I will say this, if you all decide to have separate accounts, I think it is important to allow the other access to the account history. This doesn't mean access to the money, just to the history. That way one partner or the other doesn't feel there are any secrets being kept. If one becomes suspicious of the other, that can also introduce unneeded stress into the marriage.

That's my 2 cents worth, and this is what I live by. My husband and I do not fight over money.

That's not healthy IMO. My finace and I share a bank account and it's OUR money. WE spend it on bills, groceries ect. I give myself an allowance for shopping and whatnot, but no one throws it in the others face about who makes more ect

To me personally I would set up a budget based off percentage earned.. so A pays X% of bills while B pays X% .. sounds like you are kind of doing that alreadyso if that's not working I would set up a joint account specifically for joint bills only and both add to it whatever number is agreed upon, your own bills would be paid yourself.. that way there will be no discussion there. That's why my husband and I both do, always put Xamount per check into the joint account.. some weeks I have less money and he's willing to cover, other weeks he has less. It works out pretty well. That was my solution bc I don't trust people with 'my' money Even him. I pay the bills for us.

I agree. this is what my husband and I do. we are recently married. one of us makes much more than the other aswell. we have our own checking and savings accounts, so If I want to save my money and buy a pair of shoes, that's my decision and if we need to buy a new stove we save up in our joint account TOGETHER so we can buy it. i hope you are able to sit down and discuss all the different options and find one that works best for you. also, try it for a month and discuss it at the end of the month and see how it works, what would you like to change/adjust, etc... GOOD LUCK!