married - joining finances/seperate - HELP!

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  • niknak2308
    niknak2308 Posts: 315 Member
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    I'm not married yet but have been with my OH for coming up 6 years, and finances have been joined since Day 1. What's his is mine and vice versa. I wouldn't expect anything less.
  • cnsmith2
    cnsmith2 Posts: 539 Member
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    If A and B can't support each other emotionally, not just financially, the marriage is doomed, in which case NEVER join monies!!!!

    When all is said and done... ^ this.

    The couple is already at a point in their relationship where they need help. They either need to seek counseling or need to come up with an agreement that works for both of them, and they need to UNDERSTAND each other on a better level.

    Keeping money together or separate isn't honestly the issue here (from an outsider's perspective.) The fundamentals of the relationship are in trouble. Communication is the key to any relationship and it doesn't sound as if they are able to communicate needs effectively.
  • NeuroticVirgo
    NeuroticVirgo Posts: 3,671 Member
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    This all really depends on the couple. Because even if B wants to combine finances, then A has to agree with the idea. It also might be hard to bring this up when A & B are already upset or fighting about the subject, just because it could come across more like "I want you to share your money"....if not expressed in the right manner.

    In my personal opinion. I think once married people should join finances. The way I look at it you are now working towards a future together, possibly a family together, and therefore money now needs to put towards the good of the "whole" vs each pays for their own crap. But I know a lot of married couples who still like to keep their money separate, so like I said, it really depends on the couple.
  • ShandiH
    ShandiH Posts: 232 Member
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    The separate accounts part isn't the red flag. It is that A is throwing it in Bs face.

    ^^^This too . . . major red flag.
  • ViSabbi
    ViSabbi Posts: 120 Member
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    I might be weird but to keep from any discomfort from B having A paying for all the bills and so on, why not go for a % of their salary each of them put in for living cost? It feels more equal, both have more in their pocket. Then same thing for savings and so on if it is something that can work for A and B. Yes they are married, but it all depends on the individuals. Personally I wouldn't be able to live as B, even tho like B, I earn less than my bf. Yet for some reason, I pay more than him on everything, and by more than him I mean, I pay everything, he pays grocery. See how this is unfair? That's why I think the % idea is better and can leave both feeling they make a decent contribution. Right now I feel like I'm having 2 people living on my income.

    Another option is to join a % of both salary that goes into a join bank account to pay everything you do and have together, and the rest you enjoy the way you want.

    I don't remember the exact numbers but if A earns 100k and B earns 30k a year, you put 50% for common stuff, that's 65000 a year going for everything you do and have together, and 50% goes to the individual expenses. The contribution is the same even tho the amounts aren't. We have to do with what we earn. Doesn't make sense to have one always broke and the other full of money doing whatever he wants and paying for you as well. It will create conflict at some point or leave one uncomfortable in the situation.
  • Grinnix
    Grinnix Posts: 14 Member
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    My husband and I have separate accounts and do not have any animosity towards each other. When we got married I made more than him, now he makes more than me. I pay all the house bills and his truck payment. He pays my van payment (because it is the same company as his bank). When I need money, I tell him and go get it. He buys all the groceries, date nights and dinners. He also loves to take us shopping.

    Truthfully, he just really isn't good at expenses. He doesn't watch his money like I do. So if I want our bills paid on time, I have to take care of those finances.

    He was laid off in 2009 and living on unemployment. At that time I controlled all our expenses. His unemployment paid for his phone bill and his medications. The money I usually take from him goes to his medical bills (2008 heart attack) and credit card bills from hard times.
  • slayerdan
    slayerdan Posts: 193
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    There are several answers for this based on the situations. Should have been discussed prior to marriage.....they should get pro help to mediate.
  • JNick77
    JNick77 Posts: 3,783 Member
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    I need advice people!!

    If you are married/living with a partner and have different paygrades; lets say for example A) makes 100,000 and B) makes 30,000

    Before they got married they kept finances seperate. But now that they are married their finances are still seperate. Except A)pays most of the bills and B) pays for the childcare, groceries and home exspenses + cooks & cleans. A & B still have their own seperate bills from before they were married too!!

    It is causing problems because A) always puts it in B)'s face that A) pays most of the bills! When & where do you draw the line? Is this not healthy or fair? Should their finances be combined!? I need help....

    Thanks!

    I think it depends on the couple. If you're not good at compromising and planning then I would say have separate accounts and maybe a joint account. If you're good at planning on finances together and compromise well, then a joint account should be fine. Also weigh other intangibles. For instance, are there step-children in the mix? Depending on their role (step-parent) within the relationship they may not want to contribute everything. I know one step-father that stepped right into the dad role and there was no differentiation between his child and the step-child, he was just dad and treated both kids as if they were his own. On the other hand, I know somebody who is kinda dad and kinda not and the oldest kid is 21 and is a total lazy *kitten* that mooches off everybody. The step-dad doesn't want to contribute to his laziness anymore but the mom has a hard time saying no because he's her kid. That's not a bad situation for separate accounts with a joint account for paying household bills. The step-dad can contribute proportionally to the bills and not feel like he's contributing his hard-earned money to laziness.
  • Mary067
    Mary067 Posts: 31
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    We have seperate finances and it works out fine. Granted, my situation is a bit unusual, I was married for 15 years then he had a mi- life thing, we got divorced, got back together right after and things have been better than they ever were. I think its mostly due to the fact that during the divorce we got everything out in the open and now we communicate way better, but the money situation is fine being split too. If we married again I would NOT join accounts again. The way we have it worked out is that, oh and I work/volonteer for his business so I am not paid, he gives me the rent money and food money, and if I need more I just ask and its fine. He works and I care for our son and do the house stuff, thats our "deal".
  • Skeemer118
    Skeemer118 Posts: 397 Member
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    To me being married means joining everything together. Including bank accounts. DH & I put everything into one bank account, we pay bills from that account, we buy groceries from it, we provide for our son from it & we do fun stuff from it. Everything is budgeted at the beginning of the month & every dollar has a name. It would drive me insane to have 2 separate accounts, keep them balanced & figure out who buys what. It's better & easier for us to share everything.

    Edited to add -

    Seek marriage counseling. This likely isn't the only problem. It's probably just the biggest but there are probably lots of little underlying issues. Good luck!
  • rebecca_chess
    rebecca_chess Posts: 101 Member
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    "A" would have to learn to keep their mouth shut before they became an "X" !


    ^^^ This.

    The problem here is the attitude "A" has about it. Joint and/or Seperate accounts can work out just fine depending on the couple. My husband and I lived together before we were married and the day I moved in with him we joined our paychecks and bills. His outstanding credit card bills and truck payment became mine and vice versa. We both take out "cash-on-hand" and any big purchases/expenses are discussed prior to. It works for us. I would suggest that "A" and "B" find what will work for them and adjust thier attitudes as such. Personally, if I were "B", I would not listen but for so long of "A's" BS!
  • delilah47
    delilah47 Posts: 1,658
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    Well, if A and B ever get a divorce, most states have community property laws, so therefore:

    B + (A+B/2) + the house + kids + child support + (maybe alimony) would result in:
    B = > A.
  • Skeemer118
    Skeemer118 Posts: 397 Member
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    My fiance and I joined because we were paying 50/50 but i make more. We look at it as it is our moeny, doesn't matter who makes more, we're in it together so we pay it all together. I know other people that have it separate and it works for them.. To me it doesn't seem like the money is they problems, it's the attitude about the money.

    ^ Yep.
  • brazenhazen
    brazenhazen Posts: 4 Member
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    Make a budget and determine what expenses the household creates for the month and/or year. Both parties should agree that they are equally responsible to pay these expenses (groceries, utilities, mortgage, car payments, insurance). If not remove the item such as a particularly expensive cell phone plan or old student loan.

    That's the total amount the two of you have to contribute. If one person makes twice as much money then their share to contribute is twice as much. If needed create checking account where you funnel your share from your paycheck to cover expenses.

    I'm newly married and this is whats working for us for now. Maybe years from now all this will seem silly. Also we do not have a large difference in income like in your example. I imagine the person contributing more may still hold it over your head. That is more of a personality issue than financial.
  • lambertj
    lambertj Posts: 675 Member
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    I'm definitely in the minority here but my hubby and I keep our finances completely separate. I make a little bit more than him but we still split all the bills 50/50. Part of the reason is that we married later in life but mostly because he has two children from a previous marriage. Regardless of your feelings on the matter, the only opinions that matter is the two people in the marriage. However I still feel that people within a marriage should have their own, separate savings accounts for whatever they choose to purchase. It would be strange for me after all these years to have to ask "permission" to buy anything when I'm working full time, earning my own money.
  • lonaneomaflame
    lonaneomaflame Posts: 85
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    My parents have seperate finances and my dad ALWAYS blames ALL the money problems on my mom; though from actually seeing what's going on mom almost never buys things that arent needed for the home, and he always buys whatever he wants (over $200 at least) claming that he has no money to let us go to places like the fair once a year and such. It sucks they always argue and the only reason my mom is still with him is because my litte brother still needs "a father" because he's still underage; and she's sure he would quite his job so that he wouldn't have to pay anything.

    My husband and I have a joint account. He makes all the money and we discus what to do together. After watching my parents I would NEVER have seperate finances. We even share my savings account even though it's still in just my name right now because it's to much of a hassell to get all of that changed now that it moved three hours away. Even if I were to get a job and make more then money than him it would still go right into our joint account and he would just as much access as me.

    Honestly since money is one of the major reasons for divorce, and after seeing what my parents are going through I think that the seperate things just make it harder to stay together.
  • Fit4_Life
    Fit4_Life Posts: 828 Member
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    MONEY IS THE ROOT OF ALL EVIL !!! :devil:

    I have worked in the banking world for many years. I see a lot of customers that feud over finances of "His and "Her" funds. Everyone is different. Some settle with their own account, and some combined.

    FYI: >>AND vs. OR<<

    If you decide to have a joint checking/savings account. You CANNOT close an account independently if the joint account is named Mr. (A) AND Mrs. (B). You both would have to come in together to sign and close the account. The "AND" in the account name is "together". If you have Mr. (A) OR Mrs. (B), either one can go to the bank and sign to close the account. So, just giving you heads up..

    Good luck on your finances.
  • thpeek
    thpeek Posts: 76
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    I don't think the two seperate bank accounts have anything to do with it. Did the couple not have the important conversation about money and finances before they got together? You don't just marry the person, you also marry thier debt and all the other baggage that comes along with them and if you can not handle that then don't get married. As long as all the bills are getting paid and the kids are taken care of, food is on the table, then WTF???? My god, why even waste a minute of your day with the drama of it all? I would say A needs to get over themselves and B needs to respect A's earning potential and be a good stewart of A's money.
  • Dtho5159
    Dtho5159 Posts: 1,054 Member
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    Im not sure... My husband and I have been married going on 8 years and started with a joint account when we got our first place together 9 years ago. I was only 19 at the time so no huge paying job from either of us.. I feel that once married, people's income should be placed in a joint account. Im a SAHM and have been for almost 7 years so I don't have any income, outside of our sons SSI that comes in my name but when we both worked, both our checks went into the account and our bills were paid from that one account.
  • ClareB1974
    ClareB1974 Posts: 224 Member
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    There is no right or wrong answer as to whether finances should be separate or joined - it depends on what works for the couple. No relationship is better or worse than another simply because of the way their finances are arranged, and it's a bit daft to think otherwise. As long as both partners agree on the way things are done, it's good. If they don't they should find a way to do it so that they do agree, and that can only happen through discussion.

    For the record, happily married for over 15 years, separate finances all the way - no joint anything here finance-wise, not even one bill in joint names! :)

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