probs w/ hubby. idk who to turn to need others opinion.

JellyPrz619
JellyPrz619 Posts: 172
edited November 9 in Chit-Chat
So it's come to a point where there are daily arguments. Usually financial. But then he's been really controlling and jealous. Last night I worked a graveyard shift and went in uniform ( we didn't have to but I didn't know cuz I have never worked that shift) so it's stocking all night and I took off my uniform shirt with my reasons aside, let me tell u I had a black spaghetti strap under a white "wife beater" no bra was showing, no chest nothing but arms . So he shows up w his buddys to c if I wanna "eat" and sees me thru the window and calls me to tell me I look like a slut... A SLUT... Wtf a slit because I have nothing but an undershirt on working .... (with 3 guys and 1 other girl)
I honestly don't c anything wrong with what I was wearing... But I could just b wrong. So I'm asking for others honest opinions please
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Replies

  • chanstriste13
    chanstriste13 Posts: 3,277 Member
    if your husband is calling you a slut, i would think he has some problems running deeper than your attire. it sounds like he could use some anger management counseling. best of luck to you.
  • quara
    quara Posts: 255 Member
    Honestly, I had a boyfriend once who did the exact same thing. But looking back, I can see what an *kitten* he was and how controlling he was always trying to be. I don't know anything else about your relationship, but from the way it reminds me of my ex, it makes me shudder and I want to tell you that it's not worth it. Girls wear less than that every day, and you are allowed to wear whatever you're comfortable in, even if you are showing your arms *gasp*!

    I think deep down you know that he's not treating you right. A guy should never try to shame you like that.
  • shanlynt
    shanlynt Posts: 718 Member
    I'm sorry to hear that, he sounds like a royal d-bag.
  • mrlazy1967
    mrlazy1967 Posts: 285 Member
    Sounds like you could do better
  • JellyPrz619
    JellyPrz619 Posts: 172
    This feels like the last straw .. :/
  • _Ben
    _Ben Posts: 1,608 Member
    Sounds like you need to change some things up, get out of your routine
  • glypta
    glypta Posts: 440 Member
    Absolutely agree with the above. I had one who constantly accused me of being 'intimate' with my male friends, and on principle I refused to stop seeing them: they're my friends! That was just one of many awful things that actually got worse. I'm still not sure if it's just him being an @rse, me inadvertently 'feeding' it or whatever, but either way I wasn't happy and it was a relief to get shot of him.

    I reckon you know he's not right and you just need the courage/time to do something about it: I should've done it long before I did but my self esteem being what it is, I held off hoping he'd 'see sense'. He never did, but I did :tongue: His language towards you is not ok. How would you feel if your friend's boyfriend spoke to her like that? Not ok. Unless you're a satan-worshipping puppy killer, you deserve way better.
  • maddymama
    maddymama Posts: 1,183 Member
    Maybe I'm off, but an undershirt at work would have me fired in a minute. It's not professional, even if you are working the graveyard shift.
    I think calling you a slut was very, very, very wrong, but maybe he was attempting to tell you (in a very inefficient manner) that you are not dressed appropriately for work.
  • Carl01
    Carl01 Posts: 9,307 Member
    The fact that you are posting this means you have already come to a determination about things and would like support.
    There is nothing wrong with that.

    If you think there is a chance then seek counseling for the both of you to see if communication can fix things.
    If he or you are not willing then it sounds like it is over already in your mind and that is very hard to ever move back from.
  • jrrflr
    jrrflr Posts: 109
    That is a very harsh thing to say to your spouse. Jealousy issues are very tough to handle and can end up being very harmful, both physically and emotionally, if they are not handled peoperly. Good luck to you.
  • Bentley2718
    Bentley2718 Posts: 1,689 Member
    This feels like the last straw .. :/
    Maybe it is.
  • phlpsfamily01
    phlpsfamily01 Posts: 8 Member
    He has no respect for you, time to find someone who does.
  • sharonfincher1
    sharonfincher1 Posts: 311 Member
    If your husband is calling you names like that then ur marriage has bigger problems than what you were wearing that night at work. Respect is an ingredient a marriage cannot be without.
  • quara
    quara Posts: 255 Member
    Maybe I'm off, but an undershirt at work would have me fired in a minute. It's not professional, even if you are working the graveyard shift.
    I think calling you a slut was very, very, very wrong, but maybe he was attempting to tell you (in a very inefficient manner) that you are not dressed appropriately for work.

    My understanding was that it was a stocking shift, the store was closed to customers at that time, and she was wearing the equivalent of a tank top. I'm pretty sure when we had those shifts we could wear what we liked...
  • jessashcher
    jessashcher Posts: 155
    I would suggest some counceling, don't throw away your marriage over something that sounds like it can be worked out. If the clothes are in issue when you are not with him, then why not sit down with him and come to an agreement. Maybe try wearing something with short sleeves, tell him you are willing to meet him in the middle but you refuse to be called names. Ask him what his insecurities are they he has to take them out on you. Just remember why you got married in the first place. Hope this helps you. And I wish you the best luck with it. Also if you are a believer in prayer, I highly recommend it.
  • Redapplecandie
    Redapplecandie Posts: 171 Member
    I Can't comment on your attire, since I don't know what your job is.

    As for hubby, the first time a guy says anything like that to me, he's gone. I have crappy self esteem as it is, I do not need him bringing it lower. I've dumped many "gems" in the past who've treated me like that, and I am the better person for it.

    I encourage you to take a step back, and re-evaluate your relationship, because I for one do not want to see you get hurt.
  • betsymica1
    betsymica1 Posts: 7 Member
    Honestly, I had a boyfriend once who did the exact same thing. But looking back, I can see what an *kitten* he was and how controlling he was always trying to be. I don't know anything else about your relationship, but from the way it reminds me of my ex, it makes me shudder and I want to tell you that it's not worth it. Girls wear less than that every day, and you are allowed to wear whatever you're comfortable in, even if you are showing your arms *gasp*!

    I think deep down you know that he's not treating you right. A guy should never try to shame you like that.

    Well said. I completely understand the situation ^^ been there myself. I definitely think if you want help, counseling is more of an efficient way to go.
  • sculley
    sculley Posts: 2,012 Member
    I'm sorry your going through this, I know all to well how it feels. My husband has never called me that word but in the past he has said alot of hurtful things (most of the time alcohol induced) and honestly we came to our last straw not to long ago and I took the kids and stayed at my grandmas. That was my husbands wake up call....And I had asked one of the pastors at our church to go talk to him. It turns out all of the stuff he was saying and doing to me was stemmed from not being content and seeing what he has with his own life and letting things get to him etc etc list goes on... And not to mention I'm wondering if what your husband said is how he felt or what his friends were telling him. That can kill a marriage/relationship as well. Listening to the world.

    The most important thing to remember is that it's not your fault. And I wouldn't listen to comments of people that just say you deserve someone else leave him. Yes you deserve to be treated better by your husband the man you vowed to spend your life with you know :) My advice to you would be to try to talk to him about it and see if he even knows he's doing these things and that they hurt, I agree with a few others that there are underlining issues that lie in him.....(take it from someone whose seen it play out) I pray and hope that you guys can get help and restore your marriage back to a healthy state. My thoughts are with you if you would like to pm me please do.
  • delilah47
    delilah47 Posts: 1,658
    my advice may seem extreme, but get your ducks in a row and get out. when a person wants to control your actions and how you look by throwing degrading insults, your self-esteem will slowly sink and then you will depend on "his" approval. he will give you his approval just enough to keep you thinking he loves you. in the end you will do something that will set him off and then he will get physical. and on.. and on... you could get counseling, but "he" has issues that have nothing to do with you. he sounds insecure and bullies to cover it up
  • wannabehealthy1980
    wannabehealthy1980 Posts: 55
    Time to move along - if my wife ever said anything like that to me I'd be done.

    I am better than that, and so are you.
  • losingtwenty4miami
    losingtwenty4miami Posts: 15
    You are losing weight and becoming healthy. So I'd bet that you look much better now in a wife beater than you did before. Keep in mind, that even though people may INITIALLY support you in your efforts to live a better life, that encouragement can quickly turn into jealousy when you're actually successful at it. Because you two are married, I suggest you two communicate with each other and really get to the root of the problem and reach some sort of a compromise. If that doesn't work, than it may be time to let go and move on.
  • Pir8Rav
    Pir8Rav Posts: 36 Member
    Sounds like he has some bigger issues - insecurity and fear of something he fails and inable to communicate.

    I dont know how it works in your house- but now and then - a good vent and ***** session helps clear the air- maybe not to solve any issues, and maybe even to agree to disagree - but you both get your positions heard... which is a good starting point.

    You dont know what you dont know - and I agree its inexcusable to simply send out blanket statements.

    If theres apprehension or unwillingness to at least get to the ability to talk - than I'd say evaluate your next move and plan accordingly.
  • Miss_dannii
    Miss_dannii Posts: 1,351 Member
    That would be a problem to me babe! It's not as if you are of a religion that requires you to keep your skin covered. Does that mean that in the summertime you won't be 'allowed' to wear a string top, because you might look like a slut? No. I think you need to really knock this on the head sooner rather than later. Tell your husband you won't tolerate being called a slut, or being told you look like one. As far as finances, I hate to fight about money, it makes me sad :'( I know how hard it can be to have money worries, I live in a country that's mid recession, my mortgage won't stop going up and I've taken 2 paycuts, taken on an extra job in the office when they let the other accounts girl go, so am now literally doing double the work for less pay than I was on doing one role. My fiance was made redundant from his job, got another one for less pay and travel expenses of nearly 200 a month. BUT despite all that, we are getting by because we have made out a budget, and stuck to it. Maybe you have already, but look online for tips on cutting back spending, use coupons and sell old stuff, old jewellery in cash-for-gold shops, old clothes/handbags on ebay, that kind of stuff

    I hope things get better for you, keep your chin up

    xxx
  • therealangd
    therealangd Posts: 1,861 Member
    If my husband EVER called me a slut, I'd be calling him an EX.

    No ifs ands or buts.

    Regardless of whether I was right or wrong, nobody talks to me that way and stays in my life.
  • JeninBelgium
    JeninBelgium Posts: 804 Member
    Your appropriateness of attire aside (or lack thereof) I think the real question is how appropriate is your husband. the answer not very. If your husband was really uncomfortable about what you are wearing - he could have said- Honey, I see that you were hot/unconfortable/etc in your uniform shirt- I will run home and pick you up a t-shirt (or whatever) to wear

    did he do that? no- he called you a slut-

    I presume that when you married eachother, you did so because you believed that you wanted to be together "forever"- I would therefore suggest marriage counseling for the two of you (and some anger management/ behavioral therapy for him) if he is unwilling to go to marriage counseling then you will need to think about what is right for you adn quite probably getting out of the relationship.

    Regarding financial fighting- number one cause of fights in a marriage-perhaps create a budget tofether, keep track of every penny you spend (pay only cash, visit the bank machine once a week- that's it) - we had to do this before, it was tough but it kept un on budget
  • Switty_Kitty
    Switty_Kitty Posts: 532 Member
    Your "husband" sounds like a ****. You wouldnt let anyone call you that.....so why think your husband should be able to? Clearly he needs to have his *kitten* handed to him...or some divorce papers.
  • Goal_Seeker_1988
    Goal_Seeker_1988 Posts: 1,619 Member
    Sounds like he has some trust issues. Maybe you guys need to sit down and talk and try to find out why he's feeling like he can't trust you.
  • CanadianMomma
    CanadianMomma Posts: 66 Member
    You should not tolerate that language being spoken to you by anyone. And for someone who is supposed to love you and support you to the max, that is even more unacceptable. I personally think you need to have a nice long open conversation with your husband, and you should also go down the road of counselling. If he is unable to change his ways, you should do what you need to in order to be happy. Not sure if this is the first time he's spoken to you like this or not, but regardless it needs to be addressed and noted to him that it is completely unacceptable. I don't think that a tank top type shirt is completely inappropriate but that depends on your company's dress code policy and that is up to your supervisor to address. Not for your husband to use foul language towards you.

    Best of luck.
  • hollyb9871
    hollyb9871 Posts: 401 Member
    Sounds like a lot of us have been in your shoes. My ex-husband was similar. He didn't call me names but was highly concerned about what I wore to work (I was never inappropriate) or how many phone numbers I collected (I was a hair stylist on a college campus and I never took numbers). The reality is my ex and your current husband have a huge problem of being very insecure and very controlling. It sounds like you already knew he wasn't really coming to see if you wanted something to eat, since you put it in quotes. He was most likely checking up on you making sure you were where you said you'd be. Really look at this situation, I suspect that there are more factors here than you have paid attention to at this point. This type of person does not wake up and suddenly see the error of their ways. They get worse. You're a young woman with a hopefully long lifetime of potential happiness. Don't let fear of the unknown keep you in a bad relationship. Good luck to you and stay safe.
  • DecemberNick
    DecemberNick Posts: 64 Member
    Honestly, the best thing you can do in regards to your relationship is to put a counselor between the two of you and talk it out. Put an unbiased, third party there to help discuss these issues and diffuse the situation. Have your husband tell another person that he thinks you're a slut and watch how he realizes how completely foolish he is. Better yet, tell him that you'd rather move on that to live with that. He'll change his tune.

    I've been through some ups and downs and I can say for certain, the best thing you can do is to put this stuff out on the table. Don't stew, don't let it fester, don't wait until it's unbearable. This is a guy you loved dearly once, so much so that you pledged your entire life to him. Likewise, he chose the same when he offered you that ring. Ask yourself if that's something you are ready to give up.

    Nobody is perfect, we all have our weak moments. I'm not excusing your husband's poor behavior but life throws us all curveballs. There's a reason for his insecurity. He needs to attack that, not you. Help him see that.
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