My boyfriend is missing

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Replies

  • BerryH
    BerryH Posts: 4,698 Member
    I'm so glad he's OK, thanks for taking time out of such a stressful day to update us.
  • daisydieter
    daisydieter Posts: 118
    I didn't read all the comments so forgive me if someone else already suggested Al-anon to you.

    My father is an alcoholic (sober 36 years thanks to AA) so I grew up in "the program". What happens when a significant other (or parent) is an alcoholic, the natural progression of things is to become co-dependent which does him no good and can be devastating for you. Al-anon will give you some tools as well as another support network of people who know EXACTLY what you're dealing with.

    Depression goes hand in hand with alcoholism so you'll have support for having a partner who is depressed too.

    Glad he is ok but hope you get help for your sake as well as your daughter's. My mom did and eventually, my father did as well.
  • TheRoadDog
    TheRoadDog Posts: 11,788 Member
    I'm glad he is safe. I have refrained from commenting until I heard the outcome, but now I will take the unpopular viewpoint.

    You are 21 yrs old. Don't spend the next decade or so babysitting this guy just because he is your baby's daddy. When he sobers up, give him an ultimatum. Get counselling. For both you and him and then as a couple.

    I don't care how much you think you love him; once you became a Mother your priorities changed. Your baby is better off with no father than a alcoholic suicidal father. Don't let him drag you down.
  • vim_n_vigor
    vim_n_vigor Posts: 4,089 Member
    I am very glad that your bf is ok and home safely.

    Now - on to the practical things:

    1. Call his therapist. Tell her everything. She may be able to help you get him forcibly in a mental ward or a detox unit. Let her be your advocate and his. She may not be able to share information with you about him, but you are fully within your right to share as much information with her as you would like. You will feel horrible for doing this. It is the right thing to do. (I have recently had to do this too)
    2. Find an al-anon support group. Join it. Find someone to watch your child and make this a priority.
    3. NONE of this is your fault. You should not have any feelings of guilt. Make your bf call his grandma and tell her why she doesn't have a ride. Make him call his brother for help getting her transportation. It isn't your job. He needs to see the inconvenience he has caused everyone. Not you.
    4. Do not leave your child in a situation where he is alone with her or responsible solely for her health and safety until he is healthy. It isn't worth the risk.
    5. You are a great person, and deserve to be able to find some peace in your life. Please, let the people who can help you, help you and do their jobs. Don't try to hide anything from anyone to protect your bf.
  • jwaitman
    jwaitman Posts: 367 Member
    Glad he turned up safely.
  • tinamatteson
    tinamatteson Posts: 125 Member
    Glad he is ok. So relieved for you. Please keep us posted on what happens next. I think some of us feel like we know you after all this!
  • tbresina
    tbresina Posts: 558 Member
    I'm glad he is safe. I have refrained from commenting until I heard the outcome, but now I will take the unpopular viewpoint.

    You are 21 yrs old. Don't spend the next decade or so babysitting this guy just because he is your baby's daddy. When he sobers up, give him an ultimatum. Get counselling. For both you and him and then as a couple.

    I don't care how much you think you love him; once you became a Mother your priorities changed. Your baby is better off with no father than a alcoholic suicidal father. Don't let him drag you down.

    Thank you, finally a post that isn't all rainbows and unicorns-its abour reality and the kid has to come first!
  • Katbaran
    Katbaran Posts: 605 Member
    I'm glad he is safe. I have refrained from commenting until I heard the outcome, but now I will take the unpopular viewpoint.

    You are 21 yrs old. Don't spend the next decade or so babysitting this guy just because he is your baby's daddy. When he sobers up, give him an ultimatum. Get counselling. For both you and him and then as a couple.

    I don't care how much you think you love him; once you became a Mother your priorities changed. Your baby is better off with no father than a alcoholic suicidal father. Don't let him drag you down.

    This is good, great, fantastic advice!

    You cannot MAKE another person change. YOU need to make the child your first priority. Baby Daddy is a grown up and although he may need support for his problems, this does not mean YOU should be the one doing the supporting. Just my 2 cents, but Roaddog said it best.
  • katetaylor999
    katetaylor999 Posts: 54 Member
    So happy for you that he's turned up safe and sound - relatively speaking.

    Labour your worry and love to him until he really does understand what he has done to you. He needs something to kick start his recovery process and guilt can be quite a powerful thing :)

    Onwards and upwards, and hope your day improves from here.xxx

    (Been refreshing server since I saw this this morning too!)

    IN FACT...SHOW HIM ALL THESE POSTS OF SUPPORT FOR YOU AND WHAT HE PUT YOU THROUGH!!
  • karmaticgeek
    karmaticgeek Posts: 108
    I'm glad he is safe. I have refrained from commenting until I heard the outcome, but now I will take the unpopular viewpoint.

    You are 21 yrs old. Don't spend the next decade or so babysitting this guy just because he is your baby's daddy. When he sobers up, give him an ultimatum. Get counselling. For both you and him and then as a couple.

    I don't care how much you think you love him; once you became a Mother your priorities changed. Your baby is better off with no father than a alcoholic suicidal father. Don't let him drag you down.

    I agree, actually. If he can't or won't change, even for his child, then I would move on.
  • jewels68
    jewels68 Posts: 89
    Funny how drunks find their way home, but can't remember a thing in the morning.

    I know what you mean. My husband drank for many years. He's been sober since 12.31.99. But he always made it home.
  • diverchic73
    diverchic73 Posts: 314 Member
    I am very glad that your bf is ok and home safely.

    Now - on to the practical things:

    1. Call his therapist. Tell her everything. She may be able to help you get him forcibly in a mental ward or a detox unit. Let her be your advocate and his. She may not be able to share information with you about him, but you are fully within your right to share as much information with her as you would like. You will feel horrible for doing this. It is the right thing to do. (I have recently had to do this too)
    2. Find an al-anon support group. Join it. Find someone to watch your child and make this a priority.
    3. NONE of this is your fault. You should not have any feelings of guilt. Make your bf call his grandma and tell her why she doesn't have a ride. Make him call his brother for help getting her transportation. It isn't your job. He needs to see the inconvenience he has caused everyone. Not you.
    4. Do not leave your child in a situation where he is alone with her or responsible solely for her health and safety until he is healthy. It isn't worth the risk.
    5. You are a great person, and deserve to be able to find some peace in your life. Please, let the people who can help you, help you and do their jobs. Don't try to hide anything from anyone to protect your bf.

    ^^This!

    Very glad he is okay but he needs to be the one to clean up the mess he's caused, not you.

    Hugs
  • Krizzle4Rizzle
    Krizzle4Rizzle Posts: 2,704 Member
    Big giant hugs for you!
  • XXXMinnieXXX
    XXXMinnieXXX Posts: 3,459 Member
    Soooo glad he's home. X
  • datguy2011
    datguy2011 Posts: 477 Member
    Glad he's good to go... now please give him an ear full.... and make sure he understands that his life isn't important to just HIM... and he can realize that... then... you know what to do.
  • emily356
    emily356 Posts: 318 Member
    I read the beginning, and was praying for you and him. Soooo glad he turned up. Maybe you can use last night to help convince him to get some help once and for all!!! Hang in there and make this day the best that you can!!
  • jrrflr
    jrrflr Posts: 109
    I'm glad he is safe. I have refrained from commenting until I heard the outcome, but now I will take the unpopular viewpoint.

    You are 21 yrs old. Don't spend the next decade or so babysitting this guy just because he is your baby's daddy. When he sobers up, give him an ultimatum. Get counselling. For both you and him and then as a couple.

    I don't care how much you think you love him; once you became a Mother your priorities changed. Your baby is better off with no father than a alcoholic suicidal father. Don't let him drag you down.

    This X 10. My father was a suicidal alcoholic. Put us through hell. One of the best things that ever happened to me was that his third suicide attempt was successful. Sounds harsh, but that was when the physical, and emotional, abuse finally stopped. My mother wouldn't leave him, no matter what he did to me.
  • peacheywoo
    peacheywoo Posts: 52 Member
    Unfortunately the only person who can really help him is him - he needs to want to be better - and if he doesn''t you really do not need to question if you are in the realtionship as a partner or as a parent.

    Its a very very tough question to ask yourself but you cannot spend your life babysitting a grown man who is making detrimental choices.

    I have been through it (and going through it again) with my hubby - all compounded by his brothers unexpected suicide (totally out of the blue) - the difference is hubby wants to be better and asked me to take him to the doc - which makes our situation more equal - I'm supporting him not babysitting him.

    I think you have some hard choices to make - for you, for the little one and for him. Sadly if he doesn't want help even as a Dad this will be an ongoing thing and you have to think whether its fair on any of you
  • jewels68
    jewels68 Posts: 89
    I'm glad he is safe. I have refrained from commenting until I heard the outcome, but now I will take the unpopular viewpoint.

    You are 21 yrs old. Don't spend the next decade or so babysitting this guy just because he is your baby's daddy. When he sobers up, give him an ultimatum. Get counselling. For both you and him and then as a couple.

    I don't care how much you think you love him; once you became a Mother your priorities changed. Your baby is better off with no father than a alcoholic suicidal father. Don't let him drag you down.

    I completly agree here. It took an ultimatum with my husband too. Thank god he chose his family. But I was 26 and had 4 kids with him. I was ready to leave. My mom and sister would have taken us in, in a heart beat. You don't have to put up with it.
  • katetaylor999
    katetaylor999 Posts: 54 Member
    I'm glad he is safe. I have refrained from commenting until I heard the outcome, but now I will take the unpopular viewpoint.

    You are 21 yrs old. Don't spend the next decade or so babysitting this guy just because he is your baby's daddy. When he sobers up, give him an ultimatum. Get counselling. For both you and him and then as a couple.

    I don't care how much you think you love him; once you became a Mother your priorities changed. Your baby is better off with no father than a alcoholic suicidal father. Don't let him drag you down.

    ^^^ and this guy knows what he's talking about, talks sense and has helped many others looking at his profile and recent posts! Very admirable x
  • Whaleluvr
    Whaleluvr Posts: 156 Member
    Hey everyone, thank you all so much for your overwhelming support. Really, I was not expecting all of this. What an amazing group.

    So here's what happened:

    After the police was NO HELP (even after I tell them he's suicidal) and tells me he's probably just 'hooking up'. They seemed to pretend to take down a description, but no vehicle information whatsoever.

    I called my sister in law, she came right over and lent me her car to go look for him while she stayed at my apartment with the kiddo.

    I found the car at the bar, completely empty, and I felt so sick. I drove around to various places I thought he might be, with no luck. A friend of mine works in homicidal/suicidal investigation assured me she hadn't had any calls in the area.

    I called all the hospitals, no one had him as a patient.

    Around 6 am a loud BANG hit my bedroom window...I opened the door and sure enough, there was my boyfriend, drunk as a loon, soaking wet (it had started raining) and a bit dirty. He is shivering and soaked, I tried to get him to change out of his clothes but he just crashed in the bed and is much bigger than I.

    To be honest I'm more pissed than anything for him putting me through this. His phone and wallet were in his coat, but I can't find his debit card or the car keys. I am SO mad about that as I have to take his grandma to work in the morning...I don't know what I'm going to tell her, she's worried as it is and I hate to stress her out worse.

    I guess I'll just tell her he crashed out and I don't know where he put the keys...? Buh...

    My SIL told me to call my brother in the morning to help with the car situation (grandma has an extra set of keys), but I just HATE being a burden to everyone. I really do.

    I'm trying to calm myself down, for now, but I know this day is just going to be awful. I'm so hurt, angry, embarrassed....*sigh*




    Telling the grandmother he passed out don't know where he put the keys!!!! WHY WOULD YOU LIE FOR THIS MAN??????? The more you PROTECT him, the WORSE he will get!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WAKE UP!!! If not for you, FOR YOUR DAUGHTER!!!! Get him help!!!!
  • tam120
    tam120 Posts: 444 Member
    I'm glad he is safe. I have refrained from commenting until I heard the outcome, but now I will take the unpopular viewpoint.

    You are 21 yrs old. Don't spend the next decade or so babysitting this guy just because he is your baby's daddy. When he sobers up, give him an ultimatum. Get counselling. For both you and him and then as a couple.

    I don't care how much you think you love him; once you became a Mother your priorities changed. Your baby is better off with no father than a alcoholic suicidal father. Don't let him drag you down.

    Good advice.
  • UsedToBeHusky
    UsedToBeHusky Posts: 15,228 Member
    Hey everyone, thank you all so much for your overwhelming support. Really, I was not expecting all of this. What an amazing group.

    So here's what happened:

    After the police was NO HELP (even after I tell them he's suicidal) and tells me he's probably just 'hooking up'. They seemed to pretend to take down a description, but no vehicle information whatsoever.

    I called my sister in law, she came right over and lent me her car to go look for him while she stayed at my apartment with the kiddo.

    I found the car at the bar, completely empty, and I felt so sick. I drove around to various places I thought he might be, with no luck. A friend of mine works in homicidal/suicidal investigation assured me she hadn't had any calls in the area.

    I called all the hospitals, no one had him as a patient.

    Around 6 am a loud BANG hit my bedroom window...I opened the door and sure enough, there was my boyfriend, drunk as a loon, soaking wet (it had started raining) and a bit dirty. He is shivering and soaked, I tried to get him to change out of his clothes but he just crashed in the bed and is much bigger than I.

    To be honest I'm more pissed than anything for him putting me through this. His phone and wallet were in his coat, but I can't find his debit card or the car keys. I am SO mad about that as I have to take his grandma to work in the morning...I don't know what I'm going to tell her, she's worried as it is and I hate to stress her out worse.

    I guess I'll just tell her he crashed out and I don't know where he put the keys...? Buh...

    My SIL told me to call my brother in the morning to help with the car situation (grandma has an extra set of keys), but I just HATE being a burden to everyone. I really do.

    I'm trying to calm myself down, for now, but I know this day is just going to be awful. I'm so hurt, angry, embarrassed....*sigh*

    You know, a lot of people will tell you that you should dump him. That he is a loser and you are wasting your time. I'm going to take the standpoint that you need to talk to him about getting some counseling. Try to persuade him to get some help. Then, if you have done all you can for him, then you must walk away for the sake of your child. I was in a similar situation with my ex-husband, and life was completely insane and inevitably spun completely out of control. I stayed too long. Don't walk away if you have hope, but don't let his chaos spin you out of control either. I'm glad he is okay and I wish you both all the best.
  • loombeav
    loombeav Posts: 391 Member
    I am so sorry you are dealing with this! I've been there. To those asking why you didn't stop him or he wasn't on antidepressants, you've obviously never dealt personally with an alcoholic before. Even though their behavior says otherwise, they are adults and can not be controlled. If an alcoholic is set on getting drunk there is nothing anyone can do to stop them. It is a disease, a completely devastating one.
    My heart goes out to your family, I remember all too well what those nights felt like, the anger, worry and embarrassment. Thankfully my loved one is clean and sober, going on 2 years this time, but days/nights like your descirbing are never forgotten.
  • dsn1118
    dsn1118 Posts: 15 Member
    I'm glad someone else mentioned Al-Anon. Please look up a meeting in your area. It is a wonderful program and can help you in ways you can't even imagine.
  • JennieAL
    JennieAL Posts: 1,726 Member
    I'm glad he is safe. I have refrained from commenting until I heard the outcome, but now I will take the unpopular viewpoint.

    You are 21 yrs old. Don't spend the next decade or so babysitting this guy just because he is your baby's daddy. When he sobers up, give him an ultimatum. Get counselling. For both you and him and then as a couple.

    I don't care how much you think you love him; once you became a Mother your priorities changed. Your baby is better off with no father than a alcoholic suicidal father. Don't let him drag you down.

    This X 10. My father was a suicidal alcoholic. Put us through hell. One of the best things that ever happened to me was that his third suicide attempt was successful. Sounds harsh, but that was when the physical, and emotional, abuse finally stopped. My mother wouldn't leave him, no matter what he did to me.

    My mom was a suicidal alcoholic as well... She finally managed to off herself only two years ago.

    OP... Since you aren't married to this man, now is the time for you to make the hard decisions. Alcoholics cause life to be a living hell for those closest to them. And you've seen some of that hell tonight. Dont think you can ever change this man.

    I waited for my mom to change my whole life and she hurt me and my family right up until the end... And is still hurting us in death. It never goes away.

    You are in a fortunate position right now. He may change, he may not. Just know your responsibility to protect your child and yourself.
  • Finally22
    Finally22 Posts: 305 Member
    I'm glad he is safe. I have refrained from commenting until I heard the outcome, but now I will take the unpopular viewpoint.

    You are 21 yrs old. Don't spend the next decade or so babysitting this guy just because he is your baby's daddy. When he sobers up, give him an ultimatum. Get counselling. For both you and him and then as a couple.

    I don't care how much you think you love him; once you became a Mother your priorities changed. Your baby is better off with no father than a alcoholic suicidal father. Don't let him drag you down.

    First of all - thank god he is ok. I was checking every few minutes to see if there was any news... didn't do a thing at work all day... And second - must agree with the advice above. YOU don't deserve to be put through something like that. Some tough love maybe would help him.
  • beautifulme32
    beautifulme32 Posts: 42
    Why would you let him go if he's an alcoholic. I know you're stressed but honestly. If my bf was suicidal and an alcoholic I wouldn't let him go out to a bar or i'd atleast go with him

    Trust me, I didn't want him to go. I tried to stop him. We also have a small child at home, I can't just get up and go with him.
    I don't think its right to blame her after all he is an adult and makes his own choices, nor can she leave her child alone to go sit with him at a bar.
  • beautifulme32
    beautifulme32 Posts: 42
    I'm glad he is safe. I have refrained from commenting until I heard the outcome, but now I will take the unpopular viewpoint.

    You are 21 yrs old. Don't spend the next decade or so babysitting this guy just because he is your baby's daddy. When he sobers up, give him an ultimatum. Get counselling. For both you and him and then as a couple.

    I don't care how much you think you love him; once you became a Mother your priorities changed. Your baby is better off with no father than a alcoholic suicidal father. Don't let him drag you down.

    First of all - thank god he is ok. I was checking every few minutes to see if there was any news... didn't do a thing at work all day... And second - must agree with the advice above. YOU don't deserve to be put through something like that. Some tough love maybe would help him.
    I agree
  • shellyt1
    shellyt1 Posts: 119
    Call the police! Check with all his friends and if you can't leave have family or friends check out places he likes to go!
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