My boyfriend is missing

I am just making a suggestion here, I am married to someone that did the same things. He joined AA and found the support he needed and I joined Al-Anon so I could learn how to deal with him and be supported by people going thru the same thing. You cannot fix, counsel or make him not drink this is something he has to decide he wants to fix he has to be ready, sometimes rock bottom is the only start they get.

I'm glad he is safe. I have refrained from commenting until I heard the outcome, but now I will take the unpopular viewpoint.

You are 21 yrs old. Don't spend the next decade or so babysitting this guy just because he is your baby's daddy. When he sobers up, give him an ultimatum. Get counselling. For both you and him and then as a couple.

I don't care how much you think you love him; once you became a Mother your priorities changed. Your baby is better off with no father than a alcoholic suicidal father. Don't let him drag you down.

I wish to God someone had told me the same thing. Wasted 7 years of my life with a guy who I thought was the love of my life, but everyone around me could tell he treated me disrespectfully, drinking and pilling and putting me in danger, psychologically, verbally and emotionally abusing me. It was only when I got out of the situation and looked back that I realized how sordid the situation all was, and how everyone was looking at me to hold things together. I blamed myself when I couldn't, but it wasn't my fault. Everyone expected me to keep it all in line, but no one (his family) expected anything out of him. And when I finally had enough and left, *I* was the bad guy. Despite all the times I saved his life by taking his keys and babysitting him, hiding the pistol before he could stumble into the closet to find it and blow his brains out, or keep him from walking into traffic in a stupor.

Even though I put my entire life on hold for the guy I loved, when I finally said "I NEED THINGS TOO", I was the selfish one, the biggest b@#$% ever. When I moved out, I expected him to at least try to get me back by attempting sobriety, but it just got worse. He invited me over to hang out one night, but when I got there he was already passed out.

That was almost two years ago. I am still repairing myself from the emotional scars it left. I was with him from 18-25. Very crucial years of my life wasted on someone who swore up and down he loved me, but would get raging drunk, punch walls and call me awful names. Never hit me (if he had, he probably would have ended up in the hospital...), but the psychological damage his immature, selfish behaviour inflicted is something I am still recovering from today.

I hope any of my pain can go toward opening your eyes. You don't HAVE to be with him... you CHOOSE to be with him. You can love somebody and then realize that you just can't BE with them because you can't tolerate the way they treat you or the way they choose to live their life.

Recovery is a process, but he has to make adamant steps to prove to you that this life together with you is something he is dedicated to working on.

God bless and take care

Oh sweetie you have had a heck of a night.
I am really happy that it all turned out ok in the end
don't listen to those who came on here to throw there two cents worth of non-support

I like to think of MFP as a large family that helps each other through emotional stress
as well as other parts of our lifes

((((hugs))))
now take a few deep breathes and try to let the stress go
wishing you only the best

You need to call the police and report him missing...there is no time limit to report a person missing...don't let them tell you to wait til morning to call...if you are worried that he might do something then you need to call it in so they can be on the lookout for him...trust me, that's what they're there for

This. A lot of times they'll say you need to wait 24 hours prior to calling a missing person. But you need to stress that he had talked about suicide and such prior to him leaving. You need to stress the urgency.

Edit: Just read through the last 8 pages trying to figure out if you found him or not. Thank the universe you did. Now is when you need to have a serious talk with him. My main concern is that you have a child and that beautiful child should not feel any of the stress that is being brought upon your house. I wish you the best of luck and am sending you a friend request.

I have been reading the posts ... so glad he is ok but like you I would be pissed too... I have a brother that we tried to get help for, he is an alcoholic. But that didn't work... and now we are *****es.. lol But we tried.. He need to be ready to get help and I hope he gets the help he needs because you and your little one shouldn't have to live like this. I am very glad he is home safe and sound and like another poster said, maybe give him an ultimatum and either get help or you guys are leaving. My thoughts and prayers are with you guys.

Hey everyone, thank you all so much for your overwhelming support. Really, I was not expecting all of this. What an amazing group.

So here's what happened:

After the police was NO HELP (even after I tell them he's suicidal) and tells me he's probably just 'hooking up'. They seemed to pretend to take down a description, but no vehicle information whatsoever.

I called my sister in law, she came right over and lent me her car to go look for him while she stayed at my apartment with the kiddo.

I found the car at the bar, completely empty, and I felt so sick. I drove around to various places I thought he might be, with no luck. A friend of mine works in homicidal/suicidal investigation assured me she hadn't had any calls in the area.

I called all the hospitals, no one had him as a patient.

Around 6 am a loud BANG hit my bedroom window...I opened the door and sure enough, there was my boyfriend, drunk as a loon, soaking wet (it had started raining) and a bit dirty. He is shivering and soaked, I tried to get him to change out of his clothes but he just crashed in the bed and is much bigger than I.

To be honest I'm more pissed than anything for him putting me through this. His phone and wallet were in his coat, but I can't find his debit card or the car keys. I am SO mad about that as I have to take his grandma to work in the morning...I don't know what I'm going to tell her, she's worried as it is and I hate to stress her out worse.

I guess I'll just tell her he crashed out and I don't know where he put the keys...? Buh...

My SIL told me to call my brother in the morning to help with the car situation (grandma has an extra set of keys), but I just HATE being a burden to everyone. I really do.

I'm trying to calm myself down, for now, but I know this day is just going to be awful. I'm so hurt, angry, embarrassed....*sigh*

Telling the grandmother he passed out don't know where he put the keys!!!! WHY WOULD YOU LIE FOR THIS MAN??????? The more you PROTECT him, the WORSE he will get!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WAKE UP!!! If not for you, FOR YOUR DAUGHTER!!!! Get him help!!!!

It's called co-dependency..................

I'm glad he is safe. I have refrained from commenting until I heard the outcome, but now I will take the unpopular viewpoint.

You are 21 yrs old. Don't spend the next decade or so babysitting this guy just because he is your baby's daddy. When he sobers up, give him an ultimatum. Get counselling. For both you and him and then as a couple.

I don't care how much you think you love him; once you became a Mother your priorities changed. Your baby is better off with no father than a alcoholic suicidal father. Don't let him drag you down.

^^^^
THIS
I too held my peace. Look at how alcoholics make themselves the center of the universe?
Had it been me, I would have just gone about my business without a care in the world.

No way was I going to post that. The snivelers would have reacted in a predictable way so typical of our enabling culture.
And addicts thrive on that reaction. They count on it. That attitude works well for them.
No, I do not play that game with anybody, including my own family.
People engaged in self-destructive behavior are people I detach from for my own sake. I have buried too many friends and family members who were addicts.

I won't be pulled into that mire. I hope you folks find your way out.

At the end of the day, it's always a choice.

These two ^^^^^ - suicidal my *kitten* - addicts are too full of their own self importance for that!!!
Get as far away from him as you can girl!!!!

I'm glad he is safe. I have refrained from commenting until I heard the outcome, but now I will take the unpopular viewpoint.

You are 21 yrs old. Don't spend the next decade or so babysitting this guy just because he is your baby's daddy. When he sobers up, give him an ultimatum. Get counselling. For both you and him and then as a couple.

I don't care how much you think you love him; once you became a Mother your priorities changed. Your baby is better off with no father than a alcoholic suicidal father. Don't let him drag you down.

I am very glad that your bf is ok and home safely.

Now - on to the practical things:

1. Call his therapist. Tell her everything. She may be able to help you get him forcibly in a mental ward or a detox unit. Let her be your advocate and his. She may not be able to share information with you about him, but you are fully within your right to share as much information with her as you would like. You will feel horrible for doing this. It is the right thing to do. (I have recently had to do this too)
2. Find an al-anon support group. Join it. Find someone to watch your child and make this a priority.
3. NONE of this is your fault. You should not have any feelings of guilt. Make your bf call his grandma and tell her why she doesn't have a ride. Make him call his brother for help getting her transportation. It isn't your job. He needs to see the inconvenience he has caused everyone. Not you.
4. Do not leave your child in a situation where he is alone with her or responsible solely for her health and safety until he is healthy. It isn't worth the risk.
5. You are a great person, and deserve to be able to find some peace in your life. Please, let the people who can help you, help you and do their jobs. Don't try to hide anything from anyone to protect your bf.

Solid advice here. I'm glad he's home and safe, not it's time to protect yourself and your child.

well first of all im sorry u had to go though all this i can imagine you are wrung out emotionally and yet u still have a child to care for today . but i agree with another comment DO NOT LIE FOR HIM hold him accountable for his actions and yes he needs help for himself and for his childs sake

I'm glad he is safe. I have refrained from commenting until I heard the outcome, but now I will take the unpopular viewpoint.

You are 21 yrs old. Don't spend the next decade or so babysitting this guy just because he is your baby's daddy. When he sobers up, give him an ultimatum. Get counselling. For both you and him and then as a couple.

I don't care how much you think you love him; once you became a Mother your priorities changed. Your baby is better off with no father than a alcoholic suicidal father. Don't let him drag you down.

I am very glad that your bf is ok and home safely.

Now - on to the practical things:

1. Call his therapist. Tell her everything. She may be able to help you get him forcibly in a mental ward or a detox unit. Let her be your advocate and his. She may not be able to share information with you about him, but you are fully within your right to share as much information with her as you would like. You will feel horrible for doing this. It is the right thing to do. (I have recently had to do this too)
2. Find an al-anon support group. Join it. Find someone to watch your child and make this a priority.
3. NONE of this is your fault. You should not have any feelings of guilt. Make your bf call his grandma and tell her why she doesn't have a ride. Make him call his brother for help getting her transportation. It isn't your job. He needs to see the inconvenience he has caused everyone. Not you.
4. Do not leave your child in a situation where he is alone with her or responsible solely for her health and safety until he is healthy. It isn't worth the risk.
5. You are a great person, and deserve to be able to find some peace in your life. Please, let the people who can help you, help you and do their jobs. Don't try to hide anything from anyone to protect your bf.

Solid advice here. I'm glad he's home and safe, not it's time to protect yourself and your child.

Agree completely.