Working Moms vs. Stay at Home Moms

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Replies

  • sayfay
    sayfay Posts: 90 Member
    Hmmm, looks like the conversation just got heated! Therein lies the problem.

    If you are a SAHM, great! It's a very tough job and requires a lot of sacrifice and hard work, beyond what people give you credit for.

    If you are a working mom, great! It's a very tough job and requires a lot of sacrifice and hard work, beyond what people give you credit for.

    Ladies, when will we stop the "mommy wars"? We are fighting a war agains ourselves. We all want what's best for our families. It's ok to stay home and it's ok to work outside of the house. You are not a BAD parent if you work full time. You are NOT a bad parent if you stay home. Each situation poses a set of challenges.

    Parents need to support each other versus pointing fingers, blaming, shaming, and making assumptions.

    Amen!

    Women are our own worst enemies sometimes. We could spend this time building each other up for our respective choices, but instead we tear each other down. Don't get it.
  • Loveebbs
    Loveebbs Posts: 300 Member
    We all love our children and are doing what we think is best for them.

    Thank you! I always hated this debate.
  • lour441
    lour441 Posts: 543 Member
    Can we get back on topic of SAHMs fighting with working mom's??? Thanks!
  • giggles1973
    giggles1973 Posts: 143 Member
    I knew there would be attacks on here when I read the title lol That being said, there is always guilt on either side. A working mom may feel like she doesn't have enough time with her kids and a STHM may feel she isn't contributing financially to the family. Why is it an issue or an argument? Women do what is best for their family. I truly believe if you are a good person with values and compassion your child sees that and learns to be a caring compassionate little person. And isn't that what we want for our kids? Don't we want them to be happy and giving and understanding members of society? Well having a mommy who loves them regardless if they stay home or work is what matters. I'm a stay at home mom and we have had to sacrifice a lot. But that was our choice. There shouldn't be a debate about who does more or who's kids are better off because they see mommy going to work. As long as our children know how much we love them and care about them and how much we love to be their mommy... That's all that matters :heart:
  • ThisisMiss
    ThisisMiss Posts: 187 Member
    In regards to people who have sticks up their *kitten* - why do you care what other people do with their children? As long as they aren't hurting their children, I don't see how it is any of your business. Not everyone has the ability to stay home and care for their children. It does not make them any less of a good parent. I don't know if you know this, but we are all human. I'll let you in on a little secret about being a human: it's tough. Humans have no manuals or instructions. They just go about their lives trying their best (most of them anyway). No one knows what they are doing and there is no perfect or right way of doing anything. Just because someone is able to do something for their family (whether it be staying at home or working) doesn't automatically make them any better. Just because you stay at home doesn't make you any better than anyone else. What right does anyone have to judge anyone else?

    Trust me, you are a far cry from being the perfect parent. And I direct this at everyone, even me.

    As for my own situation - I stay at home and I work from home. I do the best I can with the situation I am in and that is that.
  • Who the H*LL cares as long as our children are cared for and not abused??? I hate these stupid "one is better than the other" wars. NO ONE IS BETTER THAN THE OTHER. Period end of story. I personally am a SAHM--have been since my daughter was born 5 years ago. While having been at home I have gone to school and received two degrees, also having another child in between those two degrees. We have been lucky to be able to comfortably live on just my husband's income. Now that my children are older, and entering school full time, I want to get out and work. Right now I have the luxury of working out whenever I feel like it--that will change hopefully by the end of the summer. I think both are equally tough for different reasons. And as far as one being happier than another?? I would bet there are bigger issues than the "SAHM" vs "working mom" crap....
  • Teirza
    Teirza Posts: 46 Member
    I always thought a stay at home mom is a working mom! She probably works harder than most do in their career!

    :laugh: This is a joke and one that I am sick of hearing!

    Only someone who has never had to do both would assume this to be true. Working moms do twice the work (at least) since most don't have the luxury of having someone else do the cooking, cleaning, laundry, shopping, homework help, shuttling kids to practice and activities, etc.

    I may spend 8 hours a day at work, but I also spend another 8 hours or so doing the same stuff SAHMs get to spread out over the course of a whole day. I do most of my housework after the kids go to bed and before they get up in the morning, and that's only when I don't have a 10pm conference call - I try like hell not to waste the time we do have together - so the only times I am not with them is while they're at school or asleep!

    Take a walk in my shoes someday - and maybe you'll change your mind.

    +1.

    Add to it that I am a single mom and also a full-time student. I *WISH* I could work OR be a full-time student OR be a full-time mom - instead of all 3.

    A little perspective. You don't do ALL the things a SAHM mom does. She makes 3 meals in her kitchen, so she'll have 3 times the dishes of someone who just does dinner or a third more than someone who eats one meal outside of the home most days. She has children inside the home trashing the joint and cleans up after them, while the children in day care are trashing someone else's joint and then they (the staff or the kids) clean it up. I sub and the weeks I work 4-5 days a week my house is cleaner (because it doesn't get as messy) and I am more relaxed because i feel like I've gotten a break. The idea that working moms do twice is much simply isn't factual (unless you have in home care that doesn't clean up after themselves).

    But the bottom line is this. Why waste time comparing these life situations? To make you feel better about your own choices? Each has their own line of guilt with it. Each has it's own brand of glory. Celebrate and support your friends in their situations. What do we give each other by telling the other that they're not as good as, not as hard of a worker, not as __________ as someone else. It's simply nothing more than grown up bullying.

    Actually I do make three meals a day. I make breakfast, I pack lunch for myself and my daughter, and I make dinner. And my house gets very cluttered by the end of the week b/c I just don't have time to keep up with everything until the weekend.

    My house was MUCH cleaner during the 6 months maternity leave I was home.

    Yes, but by your own admition, you and your daughter aren't home during the day messing the house. If you can't see that this would result in more mess....well....then you are putting on some serious blinders. And really, what mess does a 6 month old make? None. Of course your house was clean then. You could put the baby in a jumparoo. Or a bouncey seat. Or a pack and play. Or if you didn't, and you spent your day filling your baby's life with the best activities to promote early learning, your baby, at most, crawled slowly.

    The problem with this discussion is that both sides tend to throw up their hands to their eyes to form a little tunnel and scream "My life is the super hardest! I do the most!" and come off looking ridiculous. Who cares who does the most work? Just be supportive of other women who each have their own brand of struggle.
  • This thread, quite frankly, is filled with a bunch of bulls**t. Not one "working" mother put down a SAHM but SOME of you SAHMs feel it appropriate to tell us that we are bad parents for the life we choose to live? How dare you be so arrogant and rude!
  • christine24t
    christine24t Posts: 6,064 Member
    This thread, quite frankly, is filled with a bunch of bulls**t. Not one "working" mother put down a SAHM but SOME of you SAHMs feel it appropriate to tell us that we are bad parents for the life we choose to live? How dare you be so arrogant and rude!

    Very true. Not to point out anyone in particular, but there are a lot of judgy attitudes on here. Let's just all live our lives the way we want to! Some people want to stay home and some want to work, and one is not right and one is not wrong!
  • Ocarina
    Ocarina Posts: 1,550 Member
    As a non-parent I plan on working full time when I have children. Mostly because I'd rather have a good chunk of money instead of pinching pennies and being stuck at home. I think it's awesome if you can pull it off but it's definitely not my think. I would use work as a bit of a "break" and a good way to keep myself out and about in the real world while still enjoying raising the children when off work. Probably sounds wrong but with a great babysitter/family sitter and not wanting to waste my degree I'd just rather do that then stay at home.
  • Teirza
    Teirza Posts: 46 Member
    This thread, quite frankly, is filled with a bunch of bulls**t. Not one "working" mother put down a SAHM but SOME of you SAHMs feel it appropriate to tell us that we are bad parents for the life we choose to live? How dare you be so arrogant and rude!

    I think SAHMs feel judged or looked down on by comments like "wasting my degree" and "stuck at home" and having it put out there that working mothers work twice as hard because they do all the things a SAHM does plus their work at the office (which if analyzed properly simply isn't factual.) They feel looked down on when it is suggested that their child isn't going to be able to separate or be socially prepared for school. They feel judged when the impression is given, an impression that is not appropriate, that their choice is a waste of time, a method to leach off their husband, a lazy choice, backwards and something that only an unmotivated to work person who doesn't value supporting their family would chose.

    I am some weeks a full time working outside of the home mom and sometimes a full time SAHM and sometimes part time at both so I can see both side's positives and negatives. Mostly I find arguing about it, putting an effort into putting others down about it and expending energy getting pissed about someone else's opinion of my choice to be a waste of tijme. i am satisfied with my choices. I am blessed to have the support system I have. I wouldn't dare criticize another woman who may not have the situation I do and i wouldn't dream of suggesting that either situation is going to damage a child.

    I could explain why working moms feel offended, but I think it's pretty clear. I think people are getting offended and expressing themselves defensively and saying some pretty crappy things. But that doesn't mean that one side is completely innocent of any sort of hurtful commentary.
  • This is a hairy one and could develop into a lot of working mums v ATH mums!
    I think they always look at it from too much of a black and white angle. It all depends on the type of work you did before you gave up work.
    If your job was dull and dead end of course staying at home is an option, if you love your job you will be unhappier if you have to give it up.
    Personally I feel the big thing with working (if you have a good job that is) is your financial independence from your husband and also setting a good example to your child. I don't say how you can encourage your child to work hard at school for instance and pass those exams if she sees you don't work. She will assume she will also not work so not bother. I personally feel it sets a better example to children. I like that my daughter knows I have business meetings and customers etc even though she's only 4 I think shes' pretty proud of me.
  • ashfuse
    ashfuse Posts: 224 Member
    I'm a stay at home mom and I can honestly say that my life feels 109349849404 times happier than when I was working full time and worrying about my kid's well-being! My stress level is pretty much ZERO!! :) I love staying home with my kids, having a super clean house, and being the one in charge of my kids 99 percent of the time. BUT I also make a point to have play dates and we find stuff to do so I am not at home witho no adult interaction. I suppose if I did nothing all day I might get the blues. I strongly believe that if a person wants to be happy, they will make themselves happy. If they want to be miserable, knowingly or not, then that is what they will be. That is just me. We make our own decisions, how we feel is not excluded.
  • iNkedFiTmama
    iNkedFiTmama Posts: 277 Member
    I'm a stay at home mom .. My days aren't always just at home though.. My oldest has preschool 2 days a week so I'm out running errands while she's at school, plus both of my kids take ballet on different week days so I'm back and forth doing that. I work out in the day at home on the ps3 - ea active 2.. and I'm starting a beach body program soon.. I also make it to the gym at least 3 nights a week.. Sometimes its hectic working out at home but I do it anyway. I make sure to make time for myself. I believe you have time for what you WANT to make time for .. "No time" is an excuse to me..
  • Yetta729
    Yetta729 Posts: 68 Member
    Personally I feel the big thing with working (if you have a good job that is) is your financial independence from your husband and also setting a good example to your child. I don't say how you can encourage your child to work hard at school for instance and pass those exams if she sees you don't work. She will assume she will also not work so not bother. I personally feel it sets a better example to children. I like that my daughter knows I have business meetings and customers etc even though she's only 4 I think shes' pretty proud of me.

    You just said that SAHM do not work ... WTF?????????????
    I have done both, and for me staying at home is the better choice. Sure, we do have to be more attentive to the spending. But my 11year old son has better grades in school since I am at home. Both boys are in a better emotional state now than when I worked.
    I would never ever pass judgement and it saddens me that there is this tug of war going on. Every mom and every family has to make the choice that works best for them.
  • marynmarty
    marynmarty Posts: 89 Member
    I don't think I could be a stay at home mom....I enjoy my job and it's perfect for my two girls. I'm a teacher so I get out at 3:15 daily and get all summer off with all vacations so if I had to work I picked a perfect job. I give it to the moms that stay home though as that's a lot of work to but I feel I would sit around and eat lol. I feel that it's good for a child to be away from the parent so they aren't so much attached. My children go to daycare only twice a week as my husband works nights so they enjoy that one on one time with daddy and also they enjoy the two days a week to go play with their friends and they learn so much there. I do my exercise in the morning before I go to work and then I do more during my lunch. I'm always on my feet teaching so I eat less compared to if I was at home all day. I feel I'm losing the most weight because I work. I'm not putting down stay at home moms as that's a personal choice and they work hard as well but for me personally I couldn't do it.
  • ThatGirlGlow
    ThatGirlGlow Posts: 68 Member
    I have two sons aged 6, and 4. When my first son was born I stayed home until he was 1 before I went back to work, and when my second son was born I stayed home for a year as well, I currently work, and go to school. I can honestly say that I loved being able to stay home with my boys and see all of their firsts, but after awhile I would get very antsy, and feel as though I needed to get to work. Full time hours had me feeling guilty so the compromise for me ( I consider myself VERY blessed, not everyone is able to do what I do) is to work part time, my income is supplemental to my family. I run most of my errands during the morning, my 6 year old is in 1st grade, my 4 year old I am homeschooling preparing him for kindegarten (same thing I did with my oldest) I exercise at 7pm, while my boys watch TV for an hour, by 8pm I'm done and able to read to them and get them ready for bed. This is what works for me.
  • sally125
    sally125 Posts: 40 Member
    I always thought a stay at home mom is a working mom! She probably works harder than most do in their career!


    I have three kids and I have done everything. I worked full-time outside the home for two years after my first was born. I worked part-time outside the home after my second was born and then after my third was born I stayed home for two years before I went back to work part-time. I consider my part-time hours outside the home to be the easiest part of my work load.

    At home I am the mother, teacher, wife, accountant, nutritionist, nurse, administrative assistant, housekeeper and so on and so.

    I think that we all do what we have to to make the most of our situation what bothers me is when I tell people that I stay at home with my kids that it equates to me not working. I think if that parenting was given the same dollar value as outside employment I would be rich and be held with higher regard in my social circle.
  • dls06
    dls06 Posts: 6,774 Member
    I did both. Stay at home is harder. You lose yourself. For years I had trouble putting a sentence together when I was around adults.
    Went to school at 36 with 4 kids. Best move I ever made.
  • My biggest belief: Do what works for you and your family!! Ignore studies. Your happiness, your kids happiness and your budget are all that should matter.

    I can't afford to work outside the home - it's as simple as that. If my hubby had more regular hours I'd love to work outside the home part-time around his schedule some. However as it is child care costs would be more then my income so I chose to work at home. It's not perfect, but no matter what you do as a mom perfection isn't the goal. Your goal is to spend good time with your kids, not feel like crying every single day over your choice and put food on the table.