Working Moms vs. Stay at Home Moms

This thread, quite frankly, is filled with a bunch of bulls**t. Not one "working" mother put down a SAHM but SOME of you SAHMs feel it appropriate to tell us that we are bad parents for the life we choose to live? How dare you be so arrogant and rude!

I think SAHMs feel judged or looked down on by comments like "wasting my degree" and "stuck at home" and having it put out there that working mothers work twice as hard because they do all the things a SAHM does plus their work at the office (which if analyzed properly simply isn't factual.) They feel looked down on when it is suggested that their child isn't going to be able to separate or be socially prepared for school. They feel judged when the impression is given, an impression that is not appropriate, that their choice is a waste of time, a method to leach off their husband, a lazy choice, backwards and something that only an unmotivated to work person who doesn't value supporting their family would chose.

I am some weeks a full time working outside of the home mom and sometimes a full time SAHM and sometimes part time at both so I can see both side's positives and negatives. Mostly I find arguing about it, putting an effort into putting others down about it and expending energy getting pissed about someone else's opinion of my choice to be a waste of tijme. i am satisfied with my choices. I am blessed to have the support system I have. I wouldn't dare criticize another woman who may not have the situation I do and i wouldn't dream of suggesting that either situation is going to damage a child.

I could explain why working moms feel offended, but I think it's pretty clear. I think people are getting offended and expressing themselves defensively and saying some pretty crappy things. But that doesn't mean that one side is completely innocent of any sort of hurtful commentary.

I'm a stay at home mom and I can honestly say that my life feels 109349849404 times happier than when I was working full time and worrying about my kid's well-being! My stress level is pretty much ZERO!! I love staying home with my kids, having a super clean house, and being the one in charge of my kids 99 percent of the time. BUT I also make a point to have play dates and we find stuff to do so I am not at home witho no adult interaction. I suppose if I did nothing all day I might get the blues. I strongly believe that if a person wants to be happy, they will make themselves happy. If they want to be miserable, knowingly or not, then that is what they will be. That is just me. We make our own decisions, how we feel is not excluded.

Personally I feel the big thing with working (if you have a good job that is) is your financial independence from your husband and also setting a good example to your child. I don't say how you can encourage your child to work hard at school for instance and pass those exams if she sees you don't work. She will assume she will also not work so not bother. I personally feel it sets a better example to children. I like that my daughter knows I have business meetings and customers etc even though she's only 4 I think shes' pretty proud of me.

You just said that SAHM do not work ... WTF?????????????
I have done both, and for me staying at home is the better choice. Sure, we do have to be more attentive to the spending. But my 11year old son has better grades in school since I am at home. Both boys are in a better emotional state now than when I worked.
I would never ever pass judgement and it saddens me that there is this tug of war going on. Every mom and every family has to make the choice that works best for them.

I have two sons aged 6, and 4. When my first son was born I stayed home until he was 1 before I went back to work, and when my second son was born I stayed home for a year as well, I currently work, and go to school. I can honestly say that I loved being able to stay home with my boys and see all of their firsts, but after awhile I would get very antsy, and feel as though I needed to get to work. Full time hours had me feeling guilty so the compromise for me ( I consider myself VERY blessed, not everyone is able to do what I do) is to work part time, my income is supplemental to my family. I run most of my errands during the morning, my 6 year old is in 1st grade, my 4 year old I am homeschooling preparing him for kindegarten (same thing I did with my oldest) I exercise at 7pm, while my boys watch TV for an hour, by 8pm I'm done and able to read to them and get them ready for bed. This is what works for me.

I did both. Stay at home is harder. You lose yourself. For years I had trouble putting a sentence together when I was around adults.
Went to school at 36 with 4 kids. Best move I ever made.

I always thought a stay at home mom is a working mom! She probably works harder than most do in their career!

:laugh: This is a joke and one that I am sick of hearing!

Only someone who has never had to do both would assume this to be true. Working moms do twice the work (at least) since most don't have the luxury of having someone else do the cooking, cleaning, laundry, shopping, homework help, shuttling kids to practice and activities, etc.

I may spend 8 hours a day at work, but I also spend another 8 hours or so doing the same stuff SAHMs get to spread out over the course of a whole day. I do most of my housework after the kids go to bed and before they get up in the morning, and that's only when I don't have a 10pm conference call - I try like hell not to waste the time we do have together - so the only times I am not with them is while they're at school or asleep!

Take a walk in my shoes someday - and maybe you'll change your mind.

+1.

Add to it that I am a single mom and also a full-time student. I *WISH* I could work OR be a full-time student OR be a full-time mom - instead of all 3.

A little perspective. You don't do ALL the things a SAHM mom does. She makes 3 meals in her kitchen, so she'll have 3 times the dishes of someone who just does dinner or a third more than someone who eats one meal outside of the home most days. She has children inside the home trashing the joint and cleans up after them, while the children in day care are trashing someone else's joint and then they (the staff or the kids) clean it up. I sub and the weeks I work 4-5 days a week my house is cleaner (because it doesn't get as messy) and I am more relaxed because i feel like I've gotten a break. The idea that working moms do twice is much simply isn't factual (unless you have in home care that doesn't clean up after themselves).

But the bottom line is this. Why waste time comparing these life situations? To make you feel better about your own choices? Each has their own line of guilt with it. Each has it's own brand of glory. Celebrate and support your friends in their situations. What do we give each other by telling the other that they're not as good as, not as hard of a worker, not as __________ as someone else. It's simply nothing more than grown up bullying.

I completely agree! I am a SAHM and I run a small daycare from home ( my three year crazy boy old plus TWO one year olds) almost every day except weekends. I also have two other boys that are at school during the day. My husband works so that I can be home to do all the family support projects that keep out house running smooth. For me, YES I do a TON during the day and I don't normally get to settle down and relax ( I mean really relax) until either nap time (if I can actually get EVERYONE to nap, which is rare) or bed time. FOR ME being a sahm is more of a mental drain. I am exhausted by the end of the day on a level that I can not express because I am fairly isolated. I don't miss the adult interaction EITHER though because that is mentally draining to listen to adults complain all day long. People forget how accomplished you feel some days if you get to pee in peace...

Tonight I was reading this article on the LA Times:

http://www.latimes.com/health/la-he-the-md-working-mom-20120213,0,2356974.story

It discusses the happiness of stay at home moms vs. working moms. The percentage is pretty much the same. Also, they look at the emotional health of the child and it's almost the same too (except for the "only negative effects were found with very intensive, full-time employment early on").

In addition, "Mothers who worked reported better overall health and fewer symptoms of depression than women who stayed at home."

So, can it be said that each person chooses what works best for them? If you work or stay at home, are you happy? How do you add in exercise?

Sadly, the percentage that said they were "happy with their lives" was only 36% for both stay at home and working mothers.

I'm just going to stick with the OP's questions:

I stayed home for the first year of each of my son's lives because my company offers a fabulous policy of keeping your health insurance in place while you're out under FMLA. I just saved up some cash so I would have some spending money while my husband took care of the big bills. = HAPPY

My oldest is now 9, I've been back to workfull time for a total of 7 years. Life became a little more hectic with the both of us working.= HAPPY

Then my husband became a SAHD when my youngest turned 3, { thank you economy}. We decided to have him stay home until the little one entered kindergarten. It definitely made life easier, but financially ~ not so much. = STILL HAPPY

My husband is working on getting back into the workforce, it should coincide with both boys being fulltime in school. There wil be some juggling, but it's time to stay saving for the future and that has been tricky on one income.

When do we squeeze in a workout? I hit the gym on my lunchbreak, my husband takes the boys to music lessons and I run and vice versa. I go to fitness classes after work, dinner & homework. I really didn't do much for fitness until the boys were older and their needs lessoned.

I always thought a stay at home mom is a working mom! She probably works harder than most do in their career!

:laugh: This is a joke and one that I am sick of hearing!

Only someone who has never had to do both would assume this to be true. Working moms do twice the work (at least) since most don't have the luxury of having someone else do the cooking, cleaning, laundry, shopping, homework help, shuttling kids to practice and activities, etc.

I may spend 8 hours a day at work, but I also spend another 8 hours or so doing the same stuff SAHMs get to spread out over the course of a whole day. I do most of my housework after the kids go to bed and before they get up in the morning, and that's only when I don't have a 10pm conference call - I try like hell not to waste the time we do have together - so the only times I am not with them is while they're at school or asleep!

Take a walk in my shoes someday - and maybe you'll change your mind.

This!!!!!!! However I do believe that whatever you choose is your choice. I don't look down upon sahm's but alot sure look down on me because there is no way in hell I could stay at home! But that is me. I would be so unhappy and that would transfer to my kids. I was soooo ready to go back to work after my mat leaves of 1 year.

LOL, my thoughts EXACTLY

I was a SAHM for the first 5 yrs now my daughter is in school. I enjoy working and being home equally. When I was at home I was in a playgroup and had mommy's night out occasionally. I felt well rounded. I wasn't socially deprived or depressed. I'm happy with my life. It makes me sad that such a low percent of people are happy with their lives.

I did both. Stay at home is harder. You lose yourself. For years I had trouble putting a sentence together when I was around adults.
Went to school at 36 with 4 kids. Best move I ever made.

I am with you. I admire and respect the ladies that choose to stay at home, if that is what they want to do, but it was not for me.

I stayed at home until my two kids were in pre-school and kindergarten, but I wasn’t happy not using my brain, so I went back to school. It was not easy but I did it, I even worked part time at the University for two years until I graduated. I got a lot of criticism for doing that, especially from my mother in law. But I had my husband support and my own determination, so I completely disregarded what other people said and thought.

I worked full time near the house until the kids were in HS, and then I got a much better job in a big company few miles away from the house.

I worked full time until I retired, and I loved being able to use my degree and experience, and to meet and interact with people. I also felt secure with my financial independence. My husband always had a good paying job, so I was not in financial distress, but the extra income allowed us to get a better house, nice vacations, and help our kids financially when they needed.

My two daughters in law are also working mothers, and my grandchildren are beautiful and well behaved and educated, and the parents spent a lot of quality time with them.

So ladies, let’s accept each other and less respect our differences, intellects, and preferences. Just think what the world would be if every woman will stay at home after having children (back to the dark ages….).

It all depends on what YOU can handle, what you WANT to handle...and how you interact with your children. If you are working yet carry home stress to them then they get the idea that working out there is crap. If you work and come home and spend time with them and communicate with them well and give them the support they need then they will think that working out there is a good thing to do. However, on the other hand, if you are staying home with them and not really paying attention to them, yelling at them, etc then that isn't working either. It really shouldn't matter which you do...work out or stay home...as long as your children are getting time, attention, and support from you. I have done both. And while my kids have ALWAYS gotten lots of time, attention, guidance and support from me, I was less stressed when I quit my job to be home with them and now that they are older (college and a jr. in HS) I will be less stressed if I can go back out there and work. I now need more for ME and would like to help them with college finances. They are smart, well adjusted, and well behaved. No drugs, drinking or deviant behavior.

I've done all sorts. I stayed home for a year with my daughter til she was 14 months old and then worked full time out of the house and she was in daycare. Eventually i transitioned to a ft work from home position with my daughter still in daycare. Hard to get work done with kids at home. I worked ft until I was 32 weeks pregnant with my second (5 years post 1st baby).

When I was a sahm I worked out during her naps n e treadmill and weights that we had at home. When it was nice out we went for walks.

When I worked ft out of the house I did the same. I'd do a bike ride or walk after dinner either with my daughter or without. When I worked ft in the house and she was at preschool I did stuff outside and eventually joined a gym. I made time.

My second baby, now a year old has some higher needs so I'm only working part time, but still from home. We have a caretaker that comes and I work then. I think working part time is the best of both worlds and I can better balance my time this way.

Now that I have a little one at home again I workout when his caretaker is here (he has a feeding tube) and work the rest of the day and workout on weekends. Inevitably there are times life gets in the way. When my caretaker calls out, dh still has to work (also from home ft) but he really doesn't help me during the day so I dont get to the gym. Sometimes I'll do a walk, but really have no time for a formal workout. I try not to beat myself over it and remind myself that my little guy will be little for a short time. My daughter is going to be 7 and the years have flown, so I enjoy the time and exercise when I can and make sure my food intake is really good if I can't workout.

There is no right answer for all, just whatever is right for you. (general)

I have done both.
I am currently staying home. I just got done completing my Master's degree and I am currently getting certified to teach secondary education. I plan to go back to work in August. Staying home is not for me. I need to be actively doing something outside of the house.

When working, I found there was a lot less time to exercise, but also I did not eat nearly as much. Staying home, I do have more time to exercise but also more time to eat. sigh.

As a woman and a feminist, I think the whole working mom vs. stay at home mentality needs to stop. How can we possibly get ahead as a sex if there is so much infighting? Why can't we just support each individuals choice and work as a team to get ahead? It maddens me no end.

Having said that, I've been on both sides of this debate. As a full time working mom to my step-daughter, I used to be busy but fulfilled, the house would look the way I left it in the morning and I would have to hurry to catch up for the next day every evening. It was crazy busy. But then I missed out on a lot of playdates, lessons, and field trips. She used to beg me not to answer my work phone on evenings and weekends and would say "please don't go back to work" every time the phone rang. It was tough.

After having my son,I went back to work part-time and loved it. I couldn't go back to my previous career, but found something interesting to go to three days a week. I loved the balance of having "adult conversations" and then coming home to be a full-time mommy those other three days.

After we had our third child, three years ago now, I decided to be a full time stay at home mom. Do I consider myself lucky to be able to do this? Very. Does it mean I never resent it and never want to run screaming into traffic? Not at all. I'm human. Since my son and oldest are now in school full-time, I have gone back to school part time to be able to get back into the workforce when my youngest starts kindergarten.

For me, the ideal is part-time work or full-time work that overlaps my children's work schedules. But that's just me. I wouldn't claim to tell anyone else what works best for their family. We are all individuals, and so are our children. There s no cookie cutter ideal for the perfect family.