Spousal Apathy

When I was 323 pounds (last Feb), my hubby (230) would say he was concerned about my weight, but he would tell me I deserved the junk food I wanted and eat it right along side me. Each time I would try and diet he would get mad and when that didn't work, he'd buy me junk food...I finally had to just do this whether he liked it or not. We would fight about it all the time, but I honestly had more important concerns than his happiness...like staying alive to raise our children.

About 50 pounds in, when people started to notice the loss, he finally started being supportive and said that he'd do this with me when I weighed less than him. Now that I've weighed less than him for a few months, I've come to the conclusion that he only said that because he never really thought it would happen. At first that made me mad, but now I just keep on keepin on and figure that when he's ready, he'll join me. I couldn't start this journey leaning on him and I can't finish it dragging him along.

That's because you are AWSOME!!!!!!

My husband's idea of supporting my decision to lose weight and become more healthy was to complain about me going to the local fitness center and build me my own small one in my garage which took him over a year to complete. It took me about a year but I lost 40ish pounds and have lowered my body fat percentage to the lower limits of the ideal range for my age. He eats the same foods that I do so that is not a problem but he snacks non-stop at night and always wants me to snack with him which I just politely decline.
He likes they way I look now but doesn't like when other people take notice of the new me as well. He refuses to workout with me and does not like for me to work out when he is home. This has caused a strain in our 25+ year relationship. I will continue to be healthy with or without him. He could stand to lose a few pounds as well but he doesn't think his weight is a problem; I will not pressure him but I do keep asking him to join me.

I'm in the same boat as you. My wife and I have always strived to be healthy. At various points in our relationship we've both lost weight but we've always gained it back. Despite the fact that we would alway look for healthy options like low-calorie selections, low-fat & skim milk for breakfast with high-fiber kashi cereal whole grain pastas, low saturated fat vegetable oils, lean cuts of boneless, skinless chicken breasts, etc... Since I had lost over 50lbs before I thought I knew what I needed to do to lose the weight but to be honest I was so distraught at the thought of again going hungry for months on end, paired with chronic exercise, that I couldn't muster the initiative to start again. I had finally resigned myself to the fact that I'm simply destined to be fat.

Then something happened.

Last year I finally opened up my mind to the possibility that perhaps there are other legitimate theories of obesity and dieting. I did lots and lots of reading and have since become utterly convinced of the efficacy of low-carb dieting. I have effortlessly lost, and maintained my loss, of over 30lbs with my personal vitality and energy level as high as it was in high school. However my wife has been very reluctant to even consider alternative views on nutrition. However she does eat what I cook which I'm grateful for.

The thing that is most frustrating for me is that my wife is suborn and if the roles were reversed and she were as enthusiastic as I've been I would read what she would suggest and consider it. And most likely support it and try it. That is the type of person I am. The only support I get is at arms length... more of a humoring me than a supporting me. At least that is how it feels.

I do have to note that I started this diet change while she was pregnant with our second child and understandably she doesn't want to put her body through unknown changes while pregnant and now that she is breastfeeding I'm sure she is still of the same mind set. However her reluctance to even do some light reading is disappointing.

One thing that I'm going to try to use to help her understand where I'm coming from is a "Primal Blueprint" seminar that is happening in our area in a couple of weeks. Maybe if I can get her to attend she can see that there is some merit to my ramblings.

I think the biggest thing that a lot of other commenter's have mentioned is the individuals readiness and openness to change.

I know for me it was a long time coming. I used to think of diets like Atkins as unhealthy gimmick diets because that is what I was taught from grade school through college. It wasn't until I was ready to be open to other schools of thought that I was able to be receptive.

When you say that you are beginning to find your wife unattractive I'd ask if it is her appearance or her attitude that you are finding unattractive. I bet you it has more to do with her attitude than her looks... nothing is more sexy and attractive than a supportive partner. You'll have to figure out a lot of these feelings on your own but there are others like us out there!

Good luck!

Its possible that once you lose a significant amount more of weight that she will open her eyes and see how unhealthy she is being. She probably figures this is a phase you are going through .... but once she realizes how serious you are she will come around. Good luck!!!

As far as the "not being attracted" to her....I think this is common when it comes to this type of situation (sad but true)

This.

When I was 323 pounds (last Feb), my hubby (230) would say he was concerned about my weight, but he would tell me I deserved the junk food I wanted and eat it right along side me. Each time I would try and diet he would get mad and when that didn't work, he'd buy me junk food...I finally had to just do this whether he liked it or not. We would fight about it all the time, but I honestly had more important concerns than his happiness...like staying alive to raise our children.

About 50 pounds in, when people started to notice the loss, he finally started being supportive and said that he'd do this with me when I weighed less than him. Now that I've weighed less than him for a few months, I've come to the conclusion that he only said that because he never really thought it would happen. At first that made me mad, but now I just keep on keepin on and figure that when he's ready, he'll join me. I couldn't start this journey leaning on him and I can't finish it dragging him along.

That's because you are AWSOME!!!!!!

And you, my friend, are amazingly sweet! Thank you.

My husband was the same way, he is super supportive of me and angling to lose weight to become healthier, but he would not follow in my shoes. I had come to the understanding that you can't change someone they need to change themselves. My husband kept asking me to quit smoking a few years ago, but I was not ready to do that and I continued smoking. One day I decided I didn't want to smoke any,ore, threw my cigarettes in the garbage and haven't picked one up since, that was two years ago, and I have no desire to ever do it again. Weight loss and eating healthy is the same thing, they need to be ready to do it. I tell my husband quite frequently that I would like for him to live a long life with me and leave it at that. Well Monday, he came home with an exercise bike and weights to add to our elliptical, and said he was ready to get healthy. He has been eating normal portioned food and working out. It has been such a nice change, although he would eat whatever healthy food I made he would eat too much, so it is nice to see him taking care of himself.

I guess what I am trying to say is explain to her that you want to spend the rest of your life with her and if you work as a team you can both be successful at weight loss, but don't push her because she will do what she wants regardless, but at least you planted the idea.

Good luck!

Just to let everyone know that I *am* reading these. I don't want to be a poster that begins a topic and vanishes.

I love my wife. She is the mother of our son, and my best friend. She (and he) are the reasons I want to lose weight. Follow along, this is kind of convoluted.

I am a crappy husband and father. I'm angry most of the time, quick tempered and kind of a jerk to be around. I did some serious thinking and came to the realization that it's because I don't like myself, so I am taking it out on them. Without going into a lot of tedious detail, part of it stems from my self image. I look in the mirror and despise the bloated, pasty mess that stares back.

So Step 1) Lose weight
Step 2) Rebuild my body (I debated doing both at the same time, but I am trying to stave off my history of getting discouraged and diving into a quart of ice cream.)
Step 3) Professional counseling. I have almost 40 years of baggage. I am handling the things I can fix, then I will get help for the rest.
Step 4) School. I have a well paying that I hate. Why do I hate my job? I'm bored. I sit in my office with nothing to challenge me, and no way to advance my career. I'm IT, but I started almost 20 years ago, before people wanted degrees. I never got one.

Now you have the basic plan. Where the missus comes in is I see myself needing to grow and evolve and break out of the patterns I have made. What if I grow and evolve and realize that the man I become isn't in love the woman I married? It sounds angsty and a if set to music would make a lovely Country song, but I don't want to trade one miserable life for a completely new miserable life.

TL;DR: EEEEEKKK!!!!

Give huge credit to yourself because at least you're aware of all this. You're not blaming someone else for your angst, and you want to make your life better....that is HUGE for so many just settle, and never strive for the greater things.
I think I can speak for many of us who are overweight that it's a huge emotional toll. I know when I was in shape, I was a much happier person, very even keeled....nothing really bothered me.
All we can do in life is take it day by day. Don't fret about where you'll be once the weight is gone...you'll figure it out when the time is ready. Have you told your wife all of this? You guys may think we can read minds, but seriously we can't figure men out...and when we think we're close....NOPE!! LOL

I want to be loved for who i am- fat or thin, sick or healty, I call that unconditional love. If I have to be thin to be loved than I call that condtional

To the OP: Lol, I have been wondering the same thing...but the other way around, so I don't have a lot of answers.

But I wouldn't say anything. Too touchy a topic, especially for women.

ANd I agree with the poster who said that yes, she is obese, probably morbidly obese if she is just "under 300"

Wow this is an incendiary topic! This subject has come up often in conversations with my female friends. Years ago, my friend Joyce was a gorgeous, curvy 150lbs and her husband told her he wasn't attracted to her anymore because of her weight. He had some nerve because he was sporting a mushy paunchy belly and was developing a receding hairline. I have heard the same sad story from countless people over the years. I love my husband so much as a person that I barely notice the flaws that come with aging. He will always be the beautiful boy I fell head over heels in love with 28 years ago. I think he feels the same way. I weighed 115 lbs when we met and after Christmas this year I was weighing in at 217. He has never once made a disparaging comment and our sex life has never suffered. He calls me sexy and tells me that he loves my shape. I know I am fat and tease him about how he sees me through love goggles. Bottom line is love is blind but only when the people involved are confident and have good self esteem. I hope you can gently guide your wife for the sake of her health. It sounds like she is morbidly obese. But I urge you to not tell her that you aren't attracted to her. That will crush her. Tell her you need her to be healthy and that you are afraid that she may have a heart attack or stroke. If she likes yummy pastas and sauces...buy her a couple weight watcher cookbooks. There are lots of low fat comfort food options out there. With portion control and weighing and measuring foods, she can indulge in her favs and lose weight. Good luck!

I'm just taking a stab here, because I don't know y'all. But here's my take on it.
If you say you feel like you are less attracted to her, chances are she already knows that and feels unattractive. I can't tell you how depressing it is to be a woman who feels undesireable to your husband. We are constantly bombarded by messages from our society that we aren't enough...not pretty enough, not thin enough, not good enough mothers, not good enough housekeepers, not good enough wives...
Women who feel loved *generally* love and take care of themselves. Does she feel loved by you? Does she feel overwhelmed/stressed? Does she feel happy? Ask her these questions. Ask her what you can do to help her. Listen to what she tells you.
If she's having a hard time finding the motivation to take care of herself, be her knight and come to her rescue. Let her know that she's still beautiful to you and that she's valuable to you. Take care of her. Show her that she's worth taking care of.

Just to let everyone know that I *am* reading these. I don't want to be a poster that begins a topic and vanishes.

I love my wife. She is the mother of our son, and my best friend. She (and he) are the reasons I want to lose weight. Follow along, this is kind of convoluted.

I am a crappy husband and father. I'm angry most of the time, quick tempered and kind of a jerk to be around. I did some serious thinking and came to the realization that it's because I don't like myself, so I am taking it out on them. Without going into a lot of tedious detail, part of it stems from my self image. I look in the mirror and despise the bloated, pasty mess that stares back.

So Step 1) Lose weight
Step 2) Rebuild my body (I debated doing both at the same time, but I am trying to stave off my history of getting discouraged and diving into a quart of ice cream.)
Step 3) Professional counseling. I have almost 40 years of baggage. I am handling the things I can fix, then I will get help for the rest.
Step 4) School. I have a well paying that I hate. Why do I hate my job? I'm bored. I sit in my office with nothing to challenge me, and no way to advance my career. I'm IT, but I started almost 20 years ago, before people wanted degrees. I never got one.

Now you have the basic plan. Where the missus comes in is I see myself needing to grow and evolve and break out of the patterns I have made. What if I grow and evolve and realize that the man I become isn't in love the woman I married? It sounds angsty and a if set to music would make a lovely Country song, but I don't want to trade one miserable life for a completely new miserable life.

TL;DR: EEEEEKKK!!!!

The absolute best thing you could do at the moment is not to worry about her weight and focus on how to reconnect and become a better father and husband and focus on your own self-esteem. Part of this is likely to be a cover up for what's really bothering you about the relationship.

I'm going to be the voice of doom, because sometimes stuff doesn't work out in a Disney fashion.

Some relationships are built around a symbiosis of faults. If you really are/were often a difficult and angry person (and kudos for realising and admitting it), and she stays with you, there's a reason she's doing so- you're feeding some destructive need of hers. Some part of her feeds off that negativity, a kind of co-dependency. The obesity goes with this; low self-esteem keeps people in bad relationships and it can also keep them fat. I'm not explaining this very well, but in short, some women are attracted to ********s, and stay with them no matter how nasty they are. We know that, right?

Based on my experience, if you sort your head out, becoming both leaner AND a more stable person, SHE may no longer love YOU too. You won't provide the messed-up love/hate/need relationship she feels comfortable with. She would have to go through a process of self-growth in order to relate to you differently. This would probably involve weight loss and getting healthy, not as a goal but as part of the process of growing stronger in herself.

You may simply be outgrowing the relationship.

I had a boyfriend once who was very into bodybuilding and martial arts. I was obese. I really really resented his interest in self-improvement. I almost pathologically put other people's needs before my own and thought caring for oneself was selfish. It felt narcissistic and shallow to me, and overly concerned with physical appearance which, as a fat person, I couldn't accept might be important. His attempts to improve himself made *me* feel judged. It took me ten years and a major depressive episode to come round to his way of thinking, long after I split up with him. Nothing he would have said would have done it. I had a lot of crap to work through, largely from growing up with parents who have the kind of relationship I described above.

It's quite possible none of this applies, but you know I wouldn't be surprised. I'm painfully aware that this sounds like therapist-speak-cod-psychology. I'm not a trained professional anything, just a fat chick who turned a corner. So take all this as you will, and best of luck.

Hmmm... big, big topic.

I'll give you some perspective from the other side of this equation.

My wife and I were both morbidly obese... for a lot of years. About six years ago she made changes in her life and began to lose weight. Those changes scared me - made me wonder the same sorts of things that you are concerned about: would we still be compatible/like each other if she changed and lost weight but I didn't? Would we still be together if we both changed and lost weight? To quote Dana Carvey (as Garth in Wayne's World) "We fear change" - any change is scary, let alone such a big, drastic change.

My wife has lost over 70 pounds and has kept it off for over 4 years. The changes she made have us eating better and being healthier as a family all along the way.

I was supportive and as helpful as I could be at the time - sometimes moreso than others. I was afraid to change for myself as well. But what kept going was the love I had for her and our kids.

Eventually, her new perspective started to hit home with me. But I still didn't do much about my bad habits - eventually topping out at just under 350 pounds in 2010. Finally, I started to get more physically active... my health improved and I dropped 20 pounds. But it STILL took another year and a half before I was ready to make the big changes for myself.

Finally, around the first of the year my perspective changed and I've adopted a completely new relationship with food and increased exercise. I can't say exactly what changed - I'm not sure at all what it was, but I know that I was finally completely ready to change life. Now, I'm eating in a healthy way everyday - it no longer seems like a chore to plan and measure and weigh my food. It no longer seems like drudgery to exercise and work out.

It took a LONG time... and I am so grateful to my wife for having the courage to make changes in her life and break out of the self destructive lifestyle that we had... but I wasn't ready. She stood by me and helped me understand that her changes were for herself... it didn't have to put our relationship in jeopardy.

When I was ready to start making changes, she was there being supportive... encouraging when I succeeded, being compassionate when I failed.

Eventually, the switch flipped and I came around to wanting a more healthy lifestyle - for ME... not for her.

Now, I wonder at the years spent - wasted - in my old habits. But looking back I realize that there was nothing anyone could do to change me - I had to be in the right place to change myself.

My advice is to do what you are doing for yourself - that should be a primary motivation. If you are doing it with sincerity, love and compassion - for yourself and for your family - it will reap benefits. It may be frustrating if she's not ready to move on that road with you now, but don't alienate her. Be supportive, be an loving example of self care.

When she is ready, be supportive of her efforts and provide her with all the positive encouragement you can muster.

Best of luck... it sounds like you are off to a great start. I wish you well.

Ted

Perhaps there might be other things in your relationship with her that could bring you back to the reasons why you are with her in the first place. There are many other sources of happiness in a relationship besides how someone looks. I was with my husband for over 20 years before we separated, so in that amount of time we'd been through many ups and downs obviously, but one of them was weight gain, on both our parts but at different times in the relationship. We both managed to support each other through those times and indeed went on to stumble through other issues. Try and look at the long term. She knows she is over weight, and the fact that you have chosen to better yourself will definately put the pressure on her. She may join in soon, she may not join in at all, but she is still the same awesome person that you married. Good luck!!!