I don't want to hurt her, but....

vger11
vger11 Posts: 248
edited November 11 in Motivation and Support
I need some advice, NO crap from haters, concerning my teenage/adult daughter and her desire to drop +20lbs. Like most young adults these days, most of her time is spent logged-on and sedentary….no wonder the obesity rate.
She’s a full-time college student living at home, 5’5 165lbs medium frame, a great portion of her weight is in her belly. … slightly overweight thru HS plus the freshman 15.

I know she really wants help, but we definitely have different ideas of working out … Altho type II diabetes plagues our extended family she is mostly focused on appearance, but she’s become complacent with her “food baby” (god help me where that came from).
I prepare most of the meals and buy mainly healthy/lean items (i.e. snacks only on the weekends, seldom red meat/pasta), but naturally she eats on campus and goes out with friends….

The two things I stress to her when she becomes frustrated, “You are beautiful” with no but’s….and “It’s mostly intake cut down on calories”

As a mother, I have to admit that I am a little concerned and far from understand how eating too much/junk food has become so out-of-control and unbalanced for so many young adults. The generational thing is a bunch of crap….and the genetics thing is BS. So don’t go there….

Question for those who experience these issues:
What more should I say/do?
What would you appreciate in the same situation?
When to give up the role of “motherer”?

I’m definitely a “if you live under my roof / if it’s on my $$” kind of mom, but what is too much….got another kid coming up right behind her. I don’t want to hurt my kids, but I also don’t want them to hurt themselves either….
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Replies

  • misskerouac
    misskerouac Posts: 2,242 Member
    That's a really tough situation to be in, honestly it's taken me into my mid to late 20's to figure out how to change my lifestyle. And it really wouldn't have mattered if anyone told me I was overweight even if they were trying to be helpful, I still would have taken it offensively and not done anything about it.

    I understand you are concerned for her health, but until SHE really wants to change, I think it's going to be really hard for her to hear anything you say or do as helpful. And i'm not talking about her just SAYING she wants to lose weight, because lord knows i said that for years before life smacked me in the face and made me change. I think it definitely helps when you get that mindset of wanting to change your lifestyle and wanting to get healthy instead of wanting to look a certain way.

    After 5 family members died of cancer and one recently diagnosed that was it for me. I stopped dead in my tracks and said "I need to be the healthiest I can be, I need to make sure my body can fight whatever comes at it"

    Sometimes I think it takes a wake up call.

    Sorry I don't have any constructive advice for you on what you can actually do to help, I just know with me, it really wouldn't have mattered what anyone else told me, it had to be when I was ready.
  • neverstray
    neverstray Posts: 3,845 Member
    Give up the role now.

    Be the change you want to see in her. Maybe you can inspire her someday. Not now, but maybe in the future. Don't nag, suggest, or say anything. Just have good healthy food around, eat healthful food, exercise, and show her without saying anything. If she gets down on herself, ask her if she wants to run/walk/hike or whatever with you. If not, just say ok, and move on.
  • linzirussell
    linzirussell Posts: 116 Member
    I think she needs to want to do it for herself. Ive lost over 100 pounds but if my mom ever used to mention my weight, it just upset me and made me then go and comfort eat lol.

    i think until she gets to a point where she wants to change herself, there's nothin you can really do. I can imagine how hard it is to watch a family member go through it but they need to want to change themselves, good luck with it all x
  • R_is_for_Rachel
    R_is_for_Rachel Posts: 381 Member
    i'm 34 and even now i don't like my Mum telling me what to do(or anyone tbh!)
    best advice is to leave her to make her own choices/decisions about food,etc -she'll soon learn
    if she brings it up then be supportive and matter of fact -if you eat junk then you will put on weight-but otherwise don't say anything because it's her body
    just my opinion tho :)
  • Captain_Tightpants
    Captain_Tightpants Posts: 2,215 Member
    I'm not a parent so take this advice with a grain of salt, but I'd guess that leading by example is the best thing you could do. If you harp on at her about it she'll just rebel and eat worse. Let her eat healthy under your roof and whatever she desires when she's out with friends. Eventually she'll come around and realize her mom is doing things the right way and her friends aren't.
  • elfie9863
    elfie9863 Posts: 337
    I have two daughters, 25 and 28. They both look awsome and take good care of themselves. BUT, if I had EVER even HINTED that they might go take a walk or have an apple instead of CAKE...OMG. My advice, say nothing. Just be a good example and it has seemed to follow thru for me anyway.

    I have ridden horses all my life, but tried to teach my then 12 yr old how to ride...well...it just didn't matter and no way was she going to listen to me. So just sent her to lessons, which went great and she listened to the exact same thing from anyone other than me. HA!

    Way of the world.
  • dad106
    dad106 Posts: 4,868 Member
    I was never overweight in high school but in college I gained a lot. My mom was willing to do anything to get me to lose the weight because of how un-happy i was... but because I wanted to hang out with my friends and look cool, I refused to do anything about it. I ate like a pig, drank like a fish and never exercised... and thus 40 pounds piled on.

    Once I got out of the college and home away from that mindset, I knew something had to be done. I was un-happy with how I looked, how my clothes fit and how I felt. I also knew that if I kept this up, I was only going to get bigger.. which is def. what I didn't want!

    Eventually she will figure it out... and until then just support her the best you can. Let her make mistakes and learn what works/what doesn't work for her.. The worst thing that you can do is be the over-bearing pushy parent. This is her time to grow and learn.. and if you are there to catch her every time, then she'll never be able to stand on her own two feet.
  • sherry9300
    sherry9300 Posts: 149 Member
    My advice is to keep serving nutritious meals, be a good example, but other than that stay out of it. It's just going to frustrate both of you to try to take any control of the situation because, frankly, it's not yours to control. Quit beating yourself up over this.
  • CherrySunday
    CherrySunday Posts: 301
    I've struggled with my weight my WHOLE life -- since about the age of 9 (I'm 35 now). My mom tried to get me involved in after school activities and in the summer had me join up with a gym activity group for kids. I dropped weight at times, BUT it always came back eventually. Other kids/sometimes even adults would tease me or comment about my weight issues, and that just made it SO much worse. As an overweight kid/teenager you need the supportive love from your family, and I really think that's all you should give your daughter right now. We all know just how deeply personal weight issues can be. Many people believe it's just a case of "you just need to get more active" or "you just need to eat better or eat less." BUT, that's never really the case. It's usually something mental that's going on, and your weight is there as some protection device, to hide and to keep people and sometimes life itself at a distance.

    My advice is give all the love and support you can for the beautiful person (inside and out) that your daughter is. Second, lead by example (which it sounds like you're already doing). Introduce her to MFP maybe, so she can find other supportive people. It's a proven fact that the people you hang out with reflect the way your eating behavior goes. If one or two friends indulge in second helpings or general bad eating habits, then the others around them will usually give in and follow. I would encourage her to share walks with you (that's at least some activity) and educate her on food choices and what the body really needs to perform well. Strokes and heart attacks are big in my family, so maybe educate her about any family health problems and let her know that every food choice she makes matters in the long run and can have an effect on the body for years.

    Good luck, as I know this cannot be an easy talk for any parent to have with their son or daughter.
  • AlmstHvn
    AlmstHvn Posts: 376 Member
    Is there anything you could say now that would be new or educational over what she already knows? I'm guessing she already "knows"... :)
  • usmcmp
    usmcmp Posts: 21,219 Member
    No matter what you say or do it has to be something she wants bad enough to do it herself. From experience I know that nothing others say or do makes a difference until I decide it's something I'm going to do.
  • nickyeatrunread
    nickyeatrunread Posts: 173 Member
    I was always a little bit "chunky" growing up and occasionally my grandma or other family members would suggest maybe watching what I ate, but, since I hadn't come to the realization on my own, it just made me angry and resentful. Eventually, I came to that realization myself and that's what got me to change--now those same family members tell me how great I'm doing and seem to be inspired themselves by my dedication.

    That said, I agree with what everyone is saying. The best thing I think you can do is be a good example for your daughter and to support her as much as possible. Hopefully she'll see what you're doing and be motivated by you or one day you'll suggest a walk together and she'll take you up on it.
  • lorihalsted
    lorihalsted Posts: 326 Member
    At this point you just need to let her make her own decisions. As you pointed out keep the meals and snacks healthy at home. She is the only one that has the total control at this point. No matter what you say right now you are Mom that doesn't know ANYTHING about losing weight (or education, or relationships, or faith, or money choices, or careers, you get my drift....) and she is not going to listen until she is ready. She may be 40 years old by the time she is ready.

    Hopefully she will live by example and see the error in her ways.....it's a lifestyle change that she is going to have to make and you can't do if for her as badly as you would like to.

    Best of luck!!!! And congratulations on your loss!
  • skinnieminniemouse
    skinnieminniemouse Posts: 118
    I was just over her weight at the start of last year, and my mum didn't say anything to me. I decided that I wanted to lose and then she supported me the whole way, she doesn't buy as many treats and we have desert day on a Sunday. I don't think there is much you can do until she says that she wants to lose some weight. Just encourage her to pick the healthy options and wait until she gives you a chance to support, or you could suggest doing something together, like a 7 day healthy eating detox. When she starts seeing results she should be encouraged!
  • becoming_a_new_me
    becoming_a_new_me Posts: 1,860 Member
    Sounds like a chapter out of my past...although at least you are supportive of her. I will tell you as the "daughter", in my early 20s, I wanted to lose weight, but I sure as heck didn't want anyone telling that I needed to or how. As others have said, drop this lead ball and be an example. She'll eventually figure this out on her own and do something or she won't, but you can't keep pushing or you will push her away.
  • JennyJacobsen
    JennyJacobsen Posts: 72 Member
    My son is obese and he is going to be 13 in June, he weighs more than me and is the same height as I am. I would recommend not saying anything. This morning we said something about how much he was eating, he started to cry then Forced his way to his room. I felt so bad, I try getting him more active but it just doesn't happen. He is going to want to do it himself. I do the meals and they Are nutritious. So at least that helps for showing him how to eat properly. Its the portion control he has problems with. I hope this helps U. Good Luck :)
  • shanahan_09
    shanahan_09 Posts: 238 Member
    Give up the role now.

    Be the change you want to see in her. Maybe you can inspire her someday. Not now, but maybe in the future. Don't nag, suggest, or say anything. Just have good healthy food around, eat healthful food, exercise, and show her without saying anything. If she gets down on herself, ask her if she wants to run/walk/hike or whatever with you. If not, just say ok, and move on.

    I totally agree with this. Even if we think as parents our kids aren't listening/watching...they are!
  • Aerohead21
    Aerohead21 Posts: 333 Member
    I was overweight the first time I lost weight and it was my mother who helped me. She and I both knew I needed to lose weight. She also knew I wanted to lose weight but didn't know how. She started by having a one on one, heart to heart, honest conversation. Mainly it was her reaffirming that she knew I was struggling with my weight and that she wanted to be a support for me. She isn't and wasn't very educated about it so I'll be honest and say her help didn't actually help, but I knew she wasn't trying to hurt me and she was sincere in her care. I'd say do this with your daughter. Sit down with her and have a real, honest conversation with her. Also, do your research before hand about healthy ways to help her. Also, I agree with the person who said model the behavior you want her to do. Buy and cook the good food. Cook with her. Teach her portion sizes. Exercise with her or help her find exercise she likes. I'd be careful about being overbearing, but if you let her know you are listening, she may feel welcome to talk and you guys can come up with some good goals.
  • mes1119
    mes1119 Posts: 1,082 Member
    As sad as it is I would say leave it.

    Back in high school I was an athlete, weighed 135 at 5'2" which is a NORMAL weight.

    HOWEVER, according to my parents it was always "lose ten pounds and you'll be good" or "you'll be a better swimmer if you lose some weight"

    This, along with some nasty comments peers made about me, caused me to lose 30 pounds and be WAY below normal weight. I eventually gained it all back but to this day I still have issues with accepting my body and feelings of not good enough.

    And while I know my parents meant well, those comments were something that has been very difficult for me to deal with through my life.
  • w2bab
    w2bab Posts: 353 Member
    I had three teenagers in my house for three years. The harder you push, the harder they will push back. My daughters struggled with their weight and their self-image all through their teen years and now that they are in their early 20s they are very diet conscious and work out regularly. When my youngest gave birth in October 2010 she was back to her pre-pregnant hotness in just a few weeks. They have to want it for themselves, and the best thing to do is be supportive.
  • msgingerc
    msgingerc Posts: 38
    I'd like to give you some advice from a daughter's POV. I was overweight in high school, too, and my mum used to give me pretty much just rabbit food to take to school. Our school was a small and remote one, so there was no canteen or place to buy food. I'd eat the lunches she sent to school with me because there was no other choice, but I hated them and made up for it when I'd get home from school while sitting on the couch or in my room.

    My mother is not a sporty person herself, so she never encouraged me to get involved in any physical activities. THIS would have been so much more constructive and beneficial to me in the long run. I am now in my late 30s and do treadmill, kick boxing, zumba, and a whole bunch of other stuff as part of my weight loss lifestyle - and I LOVE it.

    My suggestion to you would be to find some sort of activity that you and your daughter could do together - either a Zumba class or even an at-home workout video of some description, but something fun! If it is fun and interesting, she will be motivated to get involved in some kind of physical activity on a regular basis. If it is something the two of you can do together, that's just a bonus.

    I wish you the best of luck in encouraging her. I am sure you know this already, but the line between tough love and judgement can be pretty thin to a teenager or girl in her early 20s.
  • yvonnej1
    yvonnej1 Posts: 904 Member
    From your post it sounded to me like your daughter already has said that she wants to lose weight and you wanted to support her, although judging by other replies maybe I got that wrong as they are more concerned with her having to decide for herself and you not pushing her.

    You say she is mainly sedentary so putting aside diet for now, can you encourage her to exercise more as that it also a big part of healthy lifestyle? I notice you say she has different ideas on working out to you, I'm not sure what you mean by that, but could you try taking up a new class together, perhaps something like Zumba to try together, it could be a nice way of spending time with her too.
  • WildcatMom82
    WildcatMom82 Posts: 564 Member
    I think what you're doing sounds fine, I wouldn't push anymore. I was very overweight growing up and if I ever complained or asked my mom if she thought I was fat she told me I was beautiful and perfect, but if I wanted to be healthier she'd work out with me, buy healthier snacks, etc. I didn't lose weight until I went away to college and decided I was going to be serious about it, I really believe it has to be a self driven thing. I got enough outside nagging and weight comments from peers, it would have been really upsetting to hear it from my mom, too. I really credit her positivity about my body to my good self esteem, I was 5'6, 220 lbs at my heaviest.
  • sweet110
    sweet110 Posts: 332 Member
    She may still be your baby girl (and you may still be supporting her)...but as a college student, she's an adult. Leave her alone. Even when she seems to be "inviting you" in by complaining about her body (young women seem to delight in complaining about their bodies...by itself, it shouldn't be taken as a cry for advice.) If she asks you for advice...directly...point her to *resources.* At this age, she wont' be able to take direct advice from you anyway. But indirect help may do wonders.

    And...if she is social at all, its probably not eating junk food at home that is doing her in...its the late night pizza and fries with her friends that's doing it. She'll have to figure out how to balance socializing with nutrition through experience. And I second the poster who said to "lead by example." Perversely, competitiveness with her mom ("my mom is getting in better shape than me!") may spark a change in her. I'm not too good to admit that when my mom starting losing weight...and approaching my size...it was the spark that got me moving. (I know...sounds awful. But I'm only human...warts and all. And it DID get me moving.)
  • karenjoy
    karenjoy Posts: 1,840 Member
    hmm I have not had this issue, I had the opposite, my eldest daughter was anorexic, we just did not let it become a bigger issue than it already was, anorexia is a lot about control, and so is changing your lifestyle to be more active and eat better.

    I wonder how she is funding her fastfood? Is she working and paying from her own money or are you funding her? If you ARE funding her, then you have one option, well one i would use myself...I would stop. I would say you can no longer afford to fund her fast food, and being as you provide food at home, she actually does not need it. I would say, hey, I have plenty of healthy good food in the house, you do not need extra money to buy crap that is really bad for your health, no need to mention weight, health is different, you can use the type 2 thing, as this is almost exclusively diet related, and your family has a tendency towards it anyway,

    get her to walk with you, ask her for her company etc, try and engage her in support of you...
  • Chloe_Chaos_
    Chloe_Chaos_ Posts: 150 Member
    You're basically saying that you are my Mom lol I'm a 22 year old girl in my 5th (AND FINAL!!!) year of college.
    My mom has been attempting to get me healthy for years. Unfortunately I didn't give a flying frito what she said. My mom works out almost everyday, eats healthy, and has a great time, so does my dad. I live with them both. For as long as I can remember (pretty much since she decided to lose a bunch of weight years ago {maybe 7?}) she has told me that the leading cause of death for women is heart disease. I've normally ate somewhat healthy, just outrageous proportions but over the past year (since I turned 21!) I gained an extra 30lbs. I've NEVER been the skinny girl, more of an athletic tomboy type body but I've also never felt this crappy in my life. One day (actually January 31st @ 5'6" 170lbs) I woke up and decided that I didn't want to die. My grandfather had severe heart disease and died very very early (in his 60s), my grandma has had a stroke (she survived and is doing great!), and my other two grandparents have died from cancer (60s then 70s). So I told my boyfriend that we were done with going to Applebee's happy hour every day and that we were not going to die.

    So here I am, one month in and almost 10lbs lighter. I eat clean, I train really really dirty. I am loving the transformation my body is making and my mom, dad, and I work out on the weekends together. I wish I could tell you that I did it because my parent's badgered me. But mostly it was because death plagues my family and I finally opened my eyes and decided that my life is worth living for. Plus, I live in California and everyone spends their summer in a bikini, including me. And last year's pictures I was the somewhat fat friend, this year, not gonna happen.

    I want to live to be 100 years old. I want to live, REALLY LIVE! Not just slug around life.

    I wish I could tell you that my Mom pestering me helped, but it didn't. Often times it made me eat more. But here I am. Perhaps she'll come around.
  • RandomMiranda
    RandomMiranda Posts: 298
    I'm 29 and was overweight most of my life. My parents never pushed me to be more active, but they weren't good role models either and I never learned to eat well and exercise while I was living with them. That said, if they had tried to push me it might have made me dig in my heels and not want to care about my weight. Every now and then one of my parents would say something about my legs being big or an outfit not fitting right, and it never motivated me at all. It just made me feel helpless and I reacted against it and put on more weight during college and grad school.
    I agree with the comment that you should be the change you want to see in her. If she is living in a healthy environment where exercise is considered normal, but it isn't being pushed on her that might inspire her to change on her own. What made me change was finally being fed up with how I looked, taking the time to learn about nutrition and exercise, and ending up having a few friends who cared about exercise. I don't think my parents could have helped unless they had raised me with a desire for healthy food and an active lifestyle all along.
  • shine_
    shine_ Posts: 150 Member
    I agree with everyone saying she has to want it herself. It has to click for her. I could have lost my extra weight so much sooner if I had wanted to, and my mum is nutritionist goddess and goes to the gym twice a day. Needless to say my mum is pretty damn fit and healthy, and always has been. The advice was always there if I had wanted it - and I soaked up so much from just being around her and observing her that I even knew how to eat and what to do all along, but I wasn't ready. I wasn't ready to, while I was at school, trying to balance everything else I had going on, face the fact that if I start, if I take that step I have to keep on going because if I fail that will be worse than not having tried at all. As long as I didn't start that's what I could blame it on, not the fact that I tried but couldn't do it.

    Obviously I don't know your daughter, none of us do, but if she's anything like I was she will be aware of what she needs to do, but if she's not doing it, I don't think it has anything to do with you not doing enough as her mum, it has 100% to do with her and the timing being off. Of course it is better to start now, sooner rather than later but if her heart isn't in it there won't be any results anyway. Just be there for her when she approaches you when she's ready instead.
  • muddyventures
    muddyventures Posts: 360 Member
    Give up the role now.

    Be the change you want to see in her. Maybe you can inspire her someday. Not now, but maybe in the future. Don't nag, suggest, or say anything. Just have good healthy food around, eat healthful food, exercise, and show her without saying anything. If she gets down on herself, ask her if she wants to run/walk/hike or whatever with you. If not, just say ok, and move on.

    I have a 14, 12 and two-7 year olds (all girls), It struck me in recent years tht I needed to do just what the above statement says. I'm working hard and speaking openly about my food choices, my exercise choices, and even the choice to treat myself. My 12 year old has been running two miles with me 2 times a week (interval run - walk) and now my 14 year old is wanting to join.

    As girls they are concerned about how they look and we always speak about food (now in the recent two years) as energy in, and energy out. 'you are what you eat', eat to live, don't live to eat. I think that by doing it and now they see results, they want to exercise too (although they are not at all over weight in anyway), and I encourage them to join me.

    We just registered for a 4 mile race as a family (minus the 7 year olds), and we are committing to a fun run once or twice a year as a family. I think if your daughter sees results in you, she will begin to understand it can happen for her too. I want to add that even my skin, and hair are healthier and my kids have noticed that too.

    I gained weight my freshman year of college and it wasn't for three years that I finally lost that weight and kept it off until I was married and having children. She may have to faulter through a few crash diets or the unhappiness phase before it all clicks.

    Sorry to ramble.... hope it encourages you though.
  • BaconMD
    BaconMD Posts: 1,165 Member
    My mom, as far as I could recall, didn't ever really even mention losing weight to me. Maybe she did; I would have blocked it out anyhow. I knew I was unhealthy, but I didn't really care. Well, I did. But not enough. I made jokes (food baby is HILARIOUS to me, btw.. sorry). But I didn't grasp how serious it was. If my family had pushed me into it, I doubt I would be where I am today. I probably would be bigger or maybe dead. I had to come to this on my own, and for me, it was shortly after walking up my one staircase became such a huge chore that I was winded by the time I reached the top. I can sprint up and down them for some time now, and I would be perfectly fine.

    I don't know your daughter, but it seems like maybe she feels how I felt, and I hope she'll come around sooner than later.
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