I don't want to hurt her, but....

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  • EmmaGFree
    EmmaGFree Posts: 19 Member
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    Vger 11, you sound like a lovely Mum, xxx
  • fabulousby45
    fabulousby45 Posts: 65
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    I am a Mom and have a 15 year old son that is overweight too. My husband and daughter were "blessed" with the same metabolism, but he and I are overweight and use food as comfort. From all of you honest posts, I know I do not need to say another word to him, but I do need to keep leading by example. Today, I was down about this situation, but now am inspired by your comments that he will get it, even if his Dad and sister do nothing for him. I have to believe that he will get this soon. He is being offered a chance to play Varsity football if he shapes up and he's only in 9th grade now. He is 6'3" and 270. I know he can do it, but he doesn't have the want to learn about protein needed for working out. He goes to school without eating and sometimes skips lunch, then he comes home starving. I worry about him. The coaches need to teach nutrition also. I think I will call the school about this. Without him knowing though. Anyone in this situation? I don't know if as a woman, I can lead him down the right path.
  • s1lence
    s1lence Posts: 493
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    fabulousby45 - As a woman that is his mother you can lead him down the right path. Be an example.
  • smittenmikish
    smittenmikish Posts: 56
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    Give up the role now.

    Be the change you want to see in her. Maybe you can inspire her someday. Not now, but maybe in the future. Don't nag, suggest, or say anything. Just have good healthy food around, eat healthful food, exercise, and show her without saying anything. If she gets down on herself, ask her if she wants to run/walk/hike or whatever with you. If not, just say ok, and move on.

    ^^^^ This!!
  • RachaelKelley
    RachaelKelley Posts: 2
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    As a college age daughter, I know that I wouldn't want to hear any of this coming from my mother. She'll get embarrassed, insecure, and defensive and automatically tune out...she needs a buddy in her goal- maybe suggest she do active things with her friends- VERY DISCRETELY of course. And just be generally, very happy and upbeat (not directly towards her, keep it about yourself and your own happiness) about your own weight loss and strength successes- you'll be inspiring just through this !
  • TrailRunner61
    TrailRunner61 Posts: 2,505 Member
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    I've been there, as a daughter and a mother both. She's in college, she's under stress! Leave her alone but compliment her when you do notice that she's eating healthy or getting out and moving. Otherwise, the more you say to her the more she will get stressed, the more she will eat, etc.
    You are already doing what you can. Keep serving healthy food.
    Love her, support her, talk to her when she needs you but NOT about weight. Would she go for walks with you? Not power walks, just a walk to get out of the house and de-stress with her mama. Make sure you stress that it's just to get out, but don't say..not to get her to lose weight. She may de-stress some and that's a win-win situation.
    If she was in the obese category, maybe I'd suggest to her that she see a nutritionist, otherwise let it go. She's an adult and has to make her own decisions. We can suggest all we want but in the end she has to make her own choices.
    Thanks for being a good mom who cares! Not all of them do.
  • JMarigold
    JMarigold Posts: 232 Member
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    Okay I only read the first page but as to the junk food . . . this is her first time out of the house and there are far worse ways she could be "rebelling" than eating a lot of junk food!

    As with everything else, the motivation to be healthier has to come from within HER, so you may be stuck watching her be unhealthy for a while.

    The BEST thing you can do for her is just be there, patiently waiting in the wings, for the day when she realizes this has be about being healthy and NOT about losing five pounds to fit into a great dress. When she finally has that realization you can be there to teach her what you know OR just to support her by saying "Good job honey!" honestly even then she may still not want your advice.

    I know its hard but the truth is there really is nothing else you can do. She's becoming an adult and that takes a lot of growing pains--they will last far into her twenties. Sorry Momma, you got a lot of patience ahead of you still!
  • katy4399
    katy4399 Posts: 136 Member
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    Give up the role now.

    Be the change you want to see in her. Maybe you can inspire her someday. Not now, but maybe in the future. Don't nag, suggest, or say anything. Just have good healthy food around, eat healthful food, exercise, and show her without saying anything. If she gets down on herself, ask her if she wants to run/walk/hike or whatever with you. If not, just say ok, and move on.

    THIS ^^^ And good luck.
  • megsmom2
    megsmom2 Posts: 2,362 Member
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    This is a hard one. I've been heavy most of my life, and my mom hurt me so many times over it. And still does, if I let her. Its taken me years to get beyond it, and realize that her issues with how I look are HER issues. I don't have to make them mine. I'm on the path to getting healthier now, losing weight, hopefully for good this time. For ME. Not for anyone else, not for her, for ME. I deserve it.
    However....my daughter is heavy too. And sometimes I hear my mother's voice pop out of my mouth and say the things that always hurt me. Those thoughts are in my head, and its a struggle not to say them, and make her feel the way I used to. She has a lot fewer issues with how she looks than I did and do, thank goodness. She's working on it too, and we support each other. I'm proud of her no matter what she weighs...she is a wonderful young woman.
    So...make sure you let your daughter know you love her, and support her. She knows she's overweight, you don't have to mention that. If she wants your help, she'll ask. Let her come to you. Accept her as she is, for the wonderful person she is, no matter what size she's wearing. Yes, health issues are important, but she already knows that...the next step is hers. Just be her parent, with love and support...that's what she needs most.
  • ataylo30
    ataylo30 Posts: 25 Member
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    freshman 15 sucks. we've all been there. it may be from drinking more than from her food. or a combination of what she eats when she drinks. when the rest of her friends are gaining the weight, it doesn't seem as bad. it took my friends and i until our jr years to stop being idiots and remember to work out again.

    you can try and get her and her friends interested in something, zumba is huge right now and gives you moves you can use when you go out at night...which may be a hit for her. i also found i was my skinniest when we would go to clubs and dance for hours. if that is somehting she likes to do, try and find 18+ places.

    If she isn't in to dancing you should try getting her into a self-defense class. make it about her being safe and not losing weight. again, offer it for her and her friends. this will get her moving her muscles again and if successful she could move into a kick boxing class.

    i hope some of these ideas work for you, and i hope if she isn't a drinker you don't think i'm an *kitten* for suggesting she is. all i know is i was...like whoa ;)
  • SueD66
    SueD66 Posts: 405 Member
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    Zumba..... my daughter went out with some friends and they tried one of those zumba parties and she fell in love with it. Asks me to buy her the dvd but until then she has been doing it on the internet.
  • imstartingwithme
    imstartingwithme Posts: 81 Member
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    I'm a uni student, when my mum tries this stuff on me it just makes me angry. It had to click in myself. You could just set an example, or introduce her to MFP, and let her pick it up herself. When my mum tried to push me to lose weight too much it made me feel insecure and like she found me disgusting. By all means be the example, but let the rest come from her.
  • jrojeck
    jrojeck Posts: 51 Member
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    My mom gently nagged me about my weight. Not horribly though. Her angle was always: "You don't want to end up like me" because she's about 20 -30 lbs overweight herself. I'm always the type to dig in my heels when I'm given advice from my mom.

    It came down to me wanting to change. My mom could have nagged me all she wanted and it wouldn't have had the effect she'd have hoped if I didn't make the decision myself.

    Your daughter is going to have to make the choice herself to change her eating and exercise habits. Just be supportive in every way you can. That's the best thing that you can offer her at this point.
  • MelissaGraham7
    MelissaGraham7 Posts: 403 Member
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    Lots of great advice here....be the role model and keep only healthy foods in the house. Get her to go take the zumba or aerobics or yoga class with you. It happened to me in reverse....my 26-year-old daughter dragged me to yoga and since then, I have not been able to quit with the healthy stuff! I've lost 80 pounds, do yoga, running, etc. It's about finding a healthy activity that she likes. Get to go for fun and see what happens with things! You can do lots of mother-daughter things together and it will be good on so many levels!

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