Sharing Your Diary

First of all, early on in my life I had a major problem with being a closet eater (sometimes literally). When I was five or six years old my father made a huge deal one day about the amount of food I ate at dinner. That was a pivotal moment in my life. After that I didn't want anyone to know that I was eating huge amounts of junk and judge me, so I would sneak and eat it when no one was looking. I would hide snacks in my room. I would get up in the middle of the night to raid the fridge. I remember the shame I felt when my dad found a zip lock bag full of Fruit Loops I had hidden under my pillow. Later as teenager I would buy food through the drive-thru, eat it in my car and hide the evidence before I got home. My habit of eating in secret continued even after I moved out on my own, even after I got married, even after I became a mother, even after I ballooned up to 388 pounds. I do not eat in secret anymore. When I first came to mfp I left my diary open thinking that if others could see what I was eating I would make better choices.

I was doing well overall, but like most people I would have convenience food or a treat now and then. If I wanted to eat junk, I would eat junk. I had some well-meaning (I think) friends make comments to me about watching my sodium intake and eating more cals earlier in the day instead of in the evening. I went right back to feeling like I was being judged for my eating. Instead of pushing me to make better choices it had the opposite effect. I started falling back into old behaviors. I made it so that sodium was not one of the macros that I tracked. I logged everything I ate, but would sometimes log an evening snack as though it had been part of my breakfast so I would not be judged for eating too many cals at night. You get the idea. I was basically trying to hide what I was eating like I had in the past, only now that hiding had taken on a different form.

When I realized this, I decided that I needed to make my diary private. I have a very warped relationship with food and it has been a struggle to get to where I am today. Case in point: I had bariatric surgery 10 years ago, but never worked on my mental issues with food. I lost a lot of weight, but because of my mindset about food and refusal to deal with the real issue I gained a lot back. Now I am doing things the right way, dealing with my emotions, eating well, and exercising. Since August I have lost 50 pounds. I am just saying that in my case I do better when I am accountable and honest with myself, not when I open up my diary to others. Maybe I will be able to some day, or maybe those mental scars will never heal and my diary will remain private. Either way, I think we each have to follow our own path and do what works best for us. I am here for support and to support others, and I would never begrudge someone their success just because I can't see what they have been eating. My mfp friends do not judge me or refuse to support me because they can't see what I had for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. My mfp friends rock!

I personally only share my diary with people who share theirs with me...and I love those who do
I love reading and making comments (good or bad) on other peoples food choices
I often wonder if people even read mine and what they really think...vodka makes a regular appearance :blushing: