married and lonely, ok maybe that's TMI but..

I'll leave you with one last thing, a quote from a book.

"Life is the future, not the past. The past can teach us, through experience, how to accomplish things in the future, comfort us with cherished memories, and provide the foundation of what has already been accomplished. But only the future holds life. To live in the past is to embrace what is dead. To live life to its fullest, each day must be created anew. As rational, thinking beings, we must use our intellect, not a blind devotion to what has come before, to make rational choices."
Richard Rahl, The Sword of Truth by Terry Goodkind

Do not live in the past, do not stay in a relationship that is broken. You are only living in what is dead, and that only brings more fatigue. Shape your future, choose happiness, and set a new path for yourself. You surely will find happiness if you do.

Just my two cents.
Master Zeddicus

Well i just love your two cents and thanks soooo much. Although i've been separated for two years from a very toxic relationship, he still attempts almost every day to belittle me into taking him back. Some men just never see the wickedness of their ways no matter how much you love them, show them love, or help them. If they don't wanna look in the mirror at themselves, then there's nothing else you can do but suffer the rest of your life with them, or let them go But a choice only yourself can make )

Be fair to him and yourself.. If you are that unhappy... Let go and move on.. It may not be easy but nothing in life worthwhile is..
You both deserve to be happy and by dragging things out.. no one will be..
Cut your losses and move on..

I was in a relationship WAY past its due date, it had gotten abusive and ugly.. I was scared and had nothing left to give.. Once I totaly cut ties and moved on.. I found out I really like myself and have so much to offer and the world is really a wonderful place..

Make sure it is what you want...

To the OP, one question:

Was he lazy and argumentative when you met him, married him?

If not, try and find out the source of these attributes.

If so, and you 'looked' over it then, guess what?

Hi, no he wasn't lazy. That was what I was most attracted to, his energy. He seemed to always have energy and I loved that about him, he enjoyed doing things outdoors, he used to say people who sit in the house all the time are crazy and people need to get out more, this is why I was so drawn to him, he wasn't lazy, he owned his own home before I came around and did it all- cleaning, cooking, yardwork, always energetic, in addition- he worked 50-60 hours a week. Those were the very things that attracted me to him, including his personality. He was goofy and funny, and sort of dorky, a hands on dad, and he used to joke "never argue with a woman you'll never win" .. Things took a turn when I was pregnant w/ our youngest son. His entire personality changed and suddenly he was always tired, no matter what - it's been that way ever since. We went to counseling, he turned into a monster.. but what I think is that he was always that way and he just changed to put on a good front, or maybe he really wanted to be that person, but he just isn't. I don't know what else to say.

Again, this mirrors the situation with my ex. This is no usual marital strife. If I interpreted your profile correctly, you work as a carer. You shoulder all the caring responsibilities for your children too. You are your husband's carer. There is no relationship to speak of between you. Your needs don't feature at all. Living with someone you used to have a life with, who has opted out of life, is a very lonely and alienating experience. Really it doesn't matter whether others can relate or not, you've had to distance yourself emotionally from him to keep going.

It is possible he is depressed, but you can't help him if he refuses to seek change. Time after time, I've seen men with problems like this awaken to the real situation at the point at which the woman is at the end of the leaving process. Sometimes reconciliation is possible, it depends entirely on the degree of emotional distancing that has occurred. As you said, I think you are well past the point of no return. My leaving was the making of my ex. Not at first (things got worse before they got better), but now he is a wonderful father once more and a much happier and healthier man.

It's likely that finances are not the only issue keeping you stuck. Fear can be paralysing. You don't need to do this alone. As you can see from this thread, it's more common than you may think. A counsellor will help you come to terms with what you already know to be true. You can't live like this indefinitely. Nor should you. Vows of marriage do not make one person responsible for another's life. The right to self determination is a fundamental one. Marriage may be an instituation, but it's not a life sentence.

Again, this mirrors the situation with my ex. This is no usual marital strife. If I interpreted your profile correctly, you work as a carer. You shoulder all the caring responsibilities for your children too. You are your husband's carer. There is no relationship to speak of between you. Your needs don't feature at all. Living with someone you used to have a life with, who has opted out of life, is a very lonely and alienating experience. Really it doesn't matter whether others can relate or not, you've had to distance yourself emotionally from him to keep going.

It is possible he is depressed, but you can't help him if he refuses to seek change. Time after time, I've seen men with problems like this awaken to the real situation at the point at which the woman is at the end of the leaving process. Sometimes reconciliation is possible, it depends entirely on the degree of emotional distancing that has occurred. As you said, I think you are well past the point of no return. My leaving was the making of my ex. Not at first (things got worse before they got better), but now he is a wonderful father once more and a much happier and healthier man.

It's likely that finances are not the only issue keeping you stuck. Fear can be paralysing. You don't need to do this alone. As you can see from this thread, it's more common than you may think. A counsellor will help you come to terms with what you already know to be true. You can't live like this indefinitely. Nor should you. Vows of marriage do not make one person responsible for another's life. The right to self determination is a fundamental one. Marriage may be an instituation, but it's not a life sentence.

I totally agree with this!! and marriage is NOT meant to be a life sentence.

Whatever the problem is, I would try my best to work it out no matter what! Remember u guys said for better, or for worse! Every marriage has their worst, better to work things out now, then start fresh with someone else with a whole new set of problems, plus if u guys have kids together it's 100% worth every effort, why screw their futures up. U are their role models, show them what not giving up means. I've never met anybody who's happy in their marriage all the time, and some have more downs then ups. Don't be just another statistic! I believe anything is workable, I've seem the worst turn into the best just because they never gave up! Their way further then they would have been starting over with someone new, and their children have benefited from it! And I am one of them

I wish I knew what to do to fix this problem, I really do. I am not even considering another relationship because this one has really done a job on me, I couldn't imagine ever starting over with another person. These issues came up in 2005, almost overnight. I was told he may be bipolar, but he laughed about that. He's also OCD and refuses to believe that too. I know that there might be some medication that could help or a combination of meds and counseling but he refuses to believe there is anything wrong with him. I guess I don't know how much more work I could put into this when I'm the only one doing it.

At my age (42) I'm aware that marriages aren't perfect, I never expected to have no issues or troubles in my marriage or my life, but this is miserable. He is more than willing to go to counseling, but he isn't honest once we go, if i bring something up he does that bothers me, when we leave he'll start yelling at me accusing me of "starting trouble", anyway.. I'm the one who ultimately has to make a move. thanks

I hear u! And I know that u understand what I am saying! My dad was horrible to my mom, and of course me as well! But finally after 25 years of marriage he is changing! And the only thing that has changed him is his relationship with God I never imagined any of this to be possible! But only God can help if that person is willing, and God will change their heart. My dad is now tender hearted and caring :') It's alot of work, and alot more to it, but i'm just making a long story short, I know what he needs, and it's a personal relationship with Jesus Christ! U sound like a very Awesome woman, just like my mom! I strongly advise u, if u don't already get to know God and spend time reading his word and praying for ur husband and ur relationship. That's exactly what my mom has done and is getting all she asked for and more! She said it was definitely worth the wait and all the heart ache! God Bless u Hun, and ur relationship

I think marriage is difficult and I feel your pain.
I think the reality is that difficult situations like this often manifest themselves - at least for me - in unhealthy conduct such as eating too much because I am stressed out.
I do believe that action - any action is better than simply suffering. You need to move forward somehow and the comments of the other participants to the discussion - ranging from counseling to moving out to moving on all make sense.
I have many friends who are divorced and all find it tough, but all are profoundly satisfied and glad they took some action.
I am not suggesting divorce but suggesting some action lest you feel like a victim. Maybe you push counseling - if he says no, you move out - if that doesn't make him wake up, you need to move on.
You need to feel in control.
and you need to take care of yourself.

Anyways, sorry if this sounds preachy. I wish you the best.