Bad Parents.....

2

Replies

  • marie_2454
    marie_2454 Posts: 881 Member
    The only thing I will suggest is to contact child services, this is a form of abuse, and should not be left in their care.

    There is NO way to know that unless you're there day in day out. My sister became VERY overweight for a period of time when she was around 10 or 11. If somebody came to our house they would see a very healthy household, lots of fresh fruits and vegetables, involved parents, not a lot of candy or treats around, and absolutely no reason to accuse anybody of child abuse. My sister became overweight because she was inactive and because she ate junk at school and at friends' houses.

    Now, I don't know anything about this situation, as not a whole lot of background info was provided, but I think it warrants quite a bit more information before we can start playing the blame game.

    I tend to agree with this. My little brother put on a lot of weight when he was around 11-12. He was eating things like pork chops for snacks because he was so hungry. He's pretty active and everything, but he probably gained close to 40 pounds and got a bit chubby/ fat (I feel so mean writing this about my baby brother :frown: ). Anyways, a few months later he's about 4 inches taller and back to being more normal sized. He just hit a growth spurt and grew out and then up lol. I'm not saying don't worry at all, especially with the diabetes, but just try to remember that he's young and still growing.
  • UsedToBeHusky
    UsedToBeHusky Posts: 15,228 Member
    I'm not sure whether getting child protective services involved is the right thing or not, but those who are posting about them taking the child away, you really don't know what you're talking about. That's the last thing that they want to do. My stepmother has been a social worker for 20 years now and she'll tell you that they don't want to remove the child unless they are in imminent danger. They would work with the parent(s) to make sure that the child is getting take care of. If it takes educating the parents, helping them shop properly for groceries or meet with a nutritionist to work out a plan for the child, that's what they would do.

    That depends on the CPS worker, their supervisor, and the climate of that jurisdiction. In some states, they are a lot quicker on that draw than others because of budget constraints.
  • p0pr0cksnc0ke
    p0pr0cksnc0ke Posts: 1,283 Member
    That's so sad. We as parents need to get over ourselves and put the children 1st. He lived with you and I'm sure you loved him by being his step mom so why shouldn't you care about his well being. I didn't have to worry about weight until I started having babies in my adult life. But when my daugher started to be overweight I did what I had to do to keep her healthy. I took her to the doctor, got her food plans and tried to get her to exercise. If you ask her now she says I traumitized her and made her have problems with her self image. I told her to get over herself because as a parent it was my responsibility to make sure she was the healthiest and best person she could be.

    I'm not sure where all this child abuse talk came from but until you know the entire situation I'd save judgement.

    holy fvck......
    Just... wow. :noway:

    I am guessing you have never had to deal with body dysmorphia?? There is no "getting over yourself"

    AGAIN... I need to back out of here... its all downhill.
  • k8blujay2
    k8blujay2 Posts: 4,941 Member
    *sigh* While I get that it hurts.... you really don't have a say in the matter... as blunt as that is... because it is your soon to be ex step-child... He isn't your child... and while it sucks, that's just the way it is. His parents are going to have to figure it out... so will the boy... and I agree that he may be going through some pretty emotional stuff right now.. and that may be causing him to overeat... to be honest, by that age kids are pretty autonomous on their eating habits... I know, because I was... and that was a big reason I have the horrible habits now.
  • pinn44
    pinn44 Posts: 68
    But when my daugher started to be overweight I did what I had to do to keep her healthy. I took her to the doctor, got her food plans and tried to get her to exercise. If you ask her now she says I traumitized her and made her have problems with her self image. I told her to get over herself because as a parent it was my responsibility to make sure she was the healthiest and best person she could be.

    Wow. I know a mother who did the same thing. Her daughter died as a result of anorexia a few years later.

    Children are very vulnerable, especialy about their self-esteem. Telling your kid to 'get over it' probably DID traumitize her. :noway:

    You couldn't be more wrong in your response. You completely misunderstood what I meant. My daughter is now 20 and I told her this now not 8 yrs. ago. How cruel is that. I did things the right way I took her to the Dr. for advise, introduced healthy foods and exercise. If you think that's traumitizing then I don't know what to say. Anorexia is a whole other issue and is an illness. There's more to that story than a mother trying to do the right thing.
  • pinn44
    pinn44 Posts: 68
    That's so sad. We as parents need to get over ourselves and put the children 1st. He lived with you and I'm sure you loved him by being his step mom so why shouldn't you care about his well being. I didn't have to worry about weight until I started having babies in my adult life. But when my daugher started to be overweight I did what I had to do to keep her healthy. I took her to the doctor, got her food plans and tried to get her to exercise. If you ask her now she says I traumitized her and made her have problems with her self image. I told her to get over herself because as a parent it was my responsibility to make sure she was the healthiest and best person she could be.

    I'm not sure where all this child abuse talk came from but until you know the entire situation I'd save judgement.

    holy fvck......
    Just... wow. :noway:

    I am guessing you have never had to deal with body dysmorphia?? There is no "getting over yourself"

    AGAIN... I need to back out of here... its all downhill.

    This is why I don't usually participate in forums because people jump to conclusions too quickly. I would never have told my 13 yr. of child to get over herself. The girl is 20 now and this is when we had that conversation.
  • lorac321
    lorac321 Posts: 614 Member
    Think maybe part of it could be situational eating? It's his second divorce and he's only 10.
  • lorac321
    lorac321 Posts: 614 Member
    BTW: It looks like you have two other young kids. Maybe you could talk to your ex about allowing your ex-step son to come over and play with them... go to the park and what not. Let the kid know that you will always be part of his life.
  • fbmandy55
    fbmandy55 Posts: 5,263 Member
    That's so sad. We as parents need to get over ourselves and put the children 1st. He lived with you and I'm sure you loved him by being his step mom so why shouldn't you care about his well being. I didn't have to worry about weight until I started having babies in my adult life. But when my daugher started to be overweight I did what I had to do to keep her healthy. I took her to the doctor, got her food plans and tried to get her to exercise. If you ask her now she says I traumitized her and made her have problems with her self image. I told her to get over herself because as a parent it was my responsibility to make sure she was the healthiest and best person she could be.

    I'm not sure where all this child abuse talk came from but until you know the entire situation I'd save judgement.

    holy fvck......
    Just... wow. :noway:

    I am guessing you have never had to deal with body dysmorphia?? There is no "getting over yourself"

    AGAIN... I need to back out of here... its all downhill.

    This is why I don't usually participate in forums because people jump to conclusions too quickly. I would never have told my 13 yr. of child to get over herself. The girl is 20 now and this is when we had that conversation.
    STILL, I hate my mom to this day for harping on me about my weight as a kid. I'm about 25 now and when she brings that up, or mentions how chubby I was as a pre-teen/teen, I STILL hate her for it. It did cause me terrible self confidence issues that I still struggle with today. If she were to tell me to 'get over it' now, I would probably snap.
  • Bentley2718
    Bentley2718 Posts: 1,689 Member
    The only thing I will suggest is to contact child services, this is a form of abuse, and should not be left in their care.
    No offense, but in most places, CPS has much more pressing things to investigate. It's sad, but that's reality.
  • pinn44
    pinn44 Posts: 68
    That's so sad. We as parents need to get over ourselves and put the children 1st. He lived with you and I'm sure you loved him by being his step mom so why shouldn't you care about his well being. I didn't have to worry about weight until I started having babies in my adult life. But when my daugher started to be overweight I did what I had to do to keep her healthy. I took her to the doctor, got her food plans and tried to get her to exercise. If you ask her now she says I traumitized her and made her have problems with her self image. I told her to get over herself because as a parent it was my responsibility to make sure she was the healthiest and best person she could be.

    I'm not sure where all this child abuse talk came from but until you know the entire situation I'd save judgement.

    holy fvck......
    Just... wow. :noway:

    I am guessing you have never had to deal with body dysmorphia?? There is no "getting over yourself"

    AGAIN... I need to back out of here... its all downhill.

    This is why I don't usually participate in forums because people jump to conclusions too quickly. I would never have told my 13 yr. of child to get over herself. The girl is 20 now and this is when we had that conversation.
    STILL, I hate my mom to this day for harping on me about my weight as a kid. I'm about 25 now and when she brings that up, or mentions how chubby I was as a pre-teen/teen, I STILL hate her for it. It did cause me terrible self confidence issues that I still struggle with today. If she were to tell me to 'get over it' now, I would probably snap.
    Guess, that's the differences between people. She didn't snap she agreed to disagree. No child of mine will ever make me feel bad about trying to do the RIGHT thing. I didn't harp nor criticize I tried to help and to that I feel I did the right thing. Your situation has nothing to do with me. HATE is a strong word especially for your mother. Guess you'll learn more as you grow up and become a parent yourself.....
  • simple82
    simple82 Posts: 23 Member
    There's something wrong with parents who just give everything to their child without any supervision!
  • sjmgde
    sjmgde Posts: 381 Member
    The only thing I will suggest is to contact child services, this is a form of abuse, and should not be left in their care.

    this is going to start *kitten* but whatver...

    I do NOT agree with kids being taken away from parents because of the weight/feeding issue.

    EDUCATE the kids and parents, monitor them.. give them tools and resources to use. Give them access to cooking classes etc to make healthier meals for the family. Taking the child is putting a band-aid over a gunshot wound.

    I agree with you. EDUCATE, EDUCATE. My ssiter was overweight growning up but my parets were great prets an i can only imnage what woul df happen if they took her away. Not the answer
  • darylinny
    darylinny Posts: 146
    This could be all part of emotional eating... my sis has always done emotional eating - only got worse when my parents divorced... no matter how much my mom would try to control it she was like a ninja when it came to food...

    You have a valid concern - however, there isn't much that you can do. I really don't think that his parents don't care, perhaps they are just not educated enough to deal with the situation in a correct manner. We live in a society where all is treated with medication instead of trying to find the root of the problem...

    Agreed! Plus the reason behind the behavior won't change because the parent isn't present. Another angle would be to look at the parent's life style. If healthy eating, activity and movement aren't done by the parents, then they won't be done by the child.
  • lyndyb88
    lyndyb88 Posts: 123 Member
    all of the people advocating removing the child from his parent's home don't make a lot of sense to me. I don't find it abusive at all. I am heavy and have been heavy since I was a child...but this is in no way my mother's fault. I snuck food....I used my lunch money to buy junk...I chose not to eat the healthy food that she bought. Therefore my weight gain was entirely on me. This could be a similar situation. I don't think people should pass judgement on others until they know the full story...and sometimes not even then...
  • pinn44
    pinn44 Posts: 68
    all of the people advocating removing the child from his parent's home don't make a lot of sense to me. I don't find it abusive at all. I am heavy and have been heavy since I was a child...but this is in no way my mother's fault. I snuck food....I used my lunch money to buy junk...I chose not to eat the healthy food that she bought. Therefore my weight gain was entirely on me. This could be a similar situation. I don't think people should pass judgement on others until they know the full story...and sometimes not even then...
    Thank you!
  • FaugHorn
    FaugHorn Posts: 1,060 Member
    Just a little vent. Soon to be ex husband's son moved back in with his mom about 10 months ago. He left us at 75lbs and he is 11 yrs old. Right now he is 150 lbs and just got diagnosed with type 2 diabetes. I have been told that he is none of my business and I cant have an opinion so I thought I would vent here. Who lets their kid get to that point. I know my mom always forced diets on me and I hated it, but there has to be a time where you step back and realize you are hurting your kids by not stepping in.

    I think you chose the right place to vent (disregarding all the people who responded with unasked for advice or judgemental posts). If any group of people knows the value of healthy eating, healthy information, and the good that having a loving person in a child's life can be it's this group (at least ones who may not have posted in here). It does suck that you can't do anything to help the kid and you should feel free to vent. Hopefully his father/mother gets their eyes opened to the situation and takes the kid to the doctor to determine if there are any other underlying issues to his weight gain.
  • ebaywidow
    ebaywidow Posts: 30
    (The only thing I will suggest is to contact child services, this is a form of abuse, and should not be left in their care.)
    First of all, child protective services is Federally Mandated to keep families together. Second, there could be a possible medical reason for the weight gain such as discontinuation of stimulants or depressive symptoms. If the child was diagnosised with Type II diabetes then the family must follow a medical regime to support the child, if family is noncompliant with that THEN could be considered a form of medical neglect but again CPS will work with the family to keep them together. Either way the child's needs will be met through the family or the state. So no big worry...move on
  • nray3119
    nray3119 Posts: 100 Member
    Part of the reason we are getting the divorce is becasue of his son. I was never allowed to say anything even if it was my house he was destroying or my kids he was beating up.
    There are a lot of mental issues with this child and I have been pushing both parents to get him serious mental help, but they say he is fine. Hopefully now they will see he is not ok. I think if he can talk to someone about his issues he would be happer and maybe get out and play.
    According to my soon to be ex, the house is full of junk food and pasta is a huge part of every meal if not the actual meal. I think they all need a dietitions help.
    I am not a counseler and I definatly do not make the best diet help, but I keep junk food (if there is any in the house) up high and we only eat it for treats.
  • Kristy713ckm
    Kristy713ckm Posts: 54 Member
    Wow. I ran across this because a MFP friend posted thoughts in this. And I'm really surpised at the dramatic responses. My son is 11 1/2 years old, five foot tall, and weighs 155 pounds. I suggested he join a week after me (December 2011), because he is "heavy". He didn't like it. So he didn't keep up. Just yesterday, my husband and I decided to log him back on just to help him see what a serving is, and how calories add up. We're also exploring SparktTeens.com.

    My worst fear as an overweight adult, who's been overweight since kindergarten, was that my child/children would suffer weight issues. To the best of my ability, I've always encouraged him to eat healthy, exercise thru regular good life activity, and we joined a gym as a FAMILY last year and go at least once a week. It's sad if parents do not "see" that their child is suffering weight issues, and sad if they don't see mental stress/mental issues. But I wouldn't measure "removing the child" as such a "quick response answer". It's a sad fact that our "readily available food", our generally sedentary life-styles, and everything else in our daily lives are contributing to an epidimic of obesity for adults and children. But negative responses and lack of compassion surely isn't the answer.

    Most of the people on MFP have weight issues. If losing weight were easy, we'd all been skinny! Weight issues, especially in children, are probably linked to some level of depression or anxiety. And pointing out the "weight issue" in a negative manner further pushes the child into finding comfort in food. I just wanted to share ...
  • InnerFatGirl
    InnerFatGirl Posts: 2,687 Member
    Thats horrible! My step father in law's daughter is 12 and 180 lbs. He's big into fitness and it embarrasses him I think. Because hes always asking her hows her diet going and all that and she just rolls her eyes. Her mother is large too so I guess theres no example set. Why is it none of your business? Are you not allowed to care for your stepson? I would be super pissed if my husband told me his son was none of my business cause I love him too. If I were you I would just try to set a good example for him when hes with you.

    It's her "soon to be ex-husband''s son" with another woman.
    I'll be damned if my husband's ex tried to tell me what to feed MY kids and then came online talking about me? No thanks.

    How mature.
  • InnerFatGirl
    InnerFatGirl Posts: 2,687 Member
    That's so sad. We as parents need to get over ourselves and put the children 1st. He lived with you and I'm sure you loved him by being his step mom so why shouldn't you care about his well being. I didn't have to worry about weight until I started having babies in my adult life. But when my daugher started to be overweight I did what I had to do to keep her healthy. I took her to the doctor, got her food plans and tried to get her to exercise. If you ask her now she says I traumitized her and made her have problems with her self image. I told her to get over herself because as a parent it was my responsibility to make sure she was the healthiest and best person she could be.

    I'm not sure where all this child abuse talk came from but until you know the entire situation I'd save judgement.

    holy fvck......
    Just... wow. :noway:

    I am guessing you have never had to deal with body dysmorphia?? There is no "getting over yourself"

    AGAIN... I need to back out of here... its all downhill.

    This is why I don't usually participate in forums because people jump to conclusions too quickly. I would never have told my 13 yr. of child to get over herself. The girl is 20 now and this is when we had that conversation.

    It doesn't matter whether you're 13 or 20, being told to 'get over it' when you disclose that said person has traumatized you is FURTHER traumatizing. Do you not understand that?
  • JStarnes
    JStarnes Posts: 5,576 Member
    I don't have any friends whose kids are a "normal" weight. They are all overweight - bad, my boys look like there is something wrong with them they're so skinny next to their friends, especially in school.

    Honestly though, sometimes I have to wonder, if my kids didn't have the stupid high metabolism that they do, would they be overweight? I can feed my kids McDonalds 100 times a day and it wouldn't put a pound on them -- I was the same way when I was a kid.

    Just because a kid isn't overweight, doesn't mean their parents are doing any better job with their food than the heavier kids parents. I'm a perfect example, I feed my kids the same way my friends feed theirs...my kids are tiny and theirs are huge.
  • foodfight247
    foodfight247 Posts: 767 Member
    The only thing I will suggest is to contact child services, this is a form of abuse, and should not be left in their care.

    this is going to start *kitten* but whatver...

    I do NOT agree with kids being taken away from parents because of the weight/feeding issue.

    EDUCATE the kids and parents, monitor them.. give them tools and resources to use. Give them access to cooking classes etc to make healthier meals for the family. Taking the child is putting a band-aid over a gunshot wound.

    I absolutely agree with you on this one. Children should not be taken away from their patents unless through complete and utter neglectful circumstances. I'm adopted and if my being overweight was the reason I was separated from my patents, then I would certainly have issues. Thankfully I'm not overweight - I was put into foster care because I was seriously neglected.

    OP. Try talk to both his parents if it's too concerning....otherwise as he's soon to be your ex, I would step back and leave it alone. At least they cannot blame you for intervening in something that perhaps his parents feel is their problem. I know It's not what u want to hear. Personally, if my own stepson had a health issue like that, I'd speak to his dad first, otherwise I'd try educate my stepson as best I could, on a one to one.
    Otherwise the WORST thing you could do is report this to the authorities at this moment in time.

    Good luck and I hope you could get through to your stepson, dependant on how well you get on with him.
    I feel sorry for all of you in this situation for various reasons.
  • jenniebean1680
    jenniebean1680 Posts: 350 Member
    The only thing I will suggest is to contact child services, this is a form of abuse, and should not be left in their care.

    ^^THIS.
  • AmberJslimsAWAY
    AmberJslimsAWAY Posts: 2,339 Member
    *pops popcorn*
  • bear_nakey
    bear_nakey Posts: 340 Member
    Really, it isn't your business, but I can understand your concern. He was a part of your life, so of course, you care. That being said, sadly there is nothing you can about it. It's obvious there are far bigger issues here than food. Unfortunately, your the ex. At this point, there is more value in an opinion from a pile of dog-poo than from you (according to them). Sorry to say, but it's the truth. Just hope for the best and focus on you and yours.
  • JennW130
    JennW130 Posts: 460 Member
    The only thing I will suggest is to contact child services, this is a form of abuse, and should not be left in their care.

    this is going to start *kitten* but whatver...

    I do NOT agree with kids being taken away from parents because of the weight/feeding issue.

    EDUCATE the kids and parents, monitor them.. give them tools and resources to use. Give them access to cooking classes etc to make healthier meals for the family. Taking the child is putting a band-aid over a gunshot wound.
    i agree with poprocks!
  • Princessbrene
    Princessbrene Posts: 112 Member
    The only thing I will suggest is to contact child services, this is a form of abuse, and should not be left in their care.

    this is going to start *kitten* but whatver...

    I do NOT agree with kids being taken away from parents because of the weight/feeding issue.

    EDUCATE the kids and parents, monitor them.. give them tools and resources to use. Give them access to cooking classes etc to make healthier meals for the family. Taking the child is putting a band-aid over a gunshot wound.

    I could not agree with you more. Everybody's immediate answer is to remove the child from the home, but no one considers the psychological harm that does to the child. It is not as if he thinks he is being abused or mistreated.

    EXACTLY. I was a foster parent to 16 children and I have to say that the system often does a lot of damage to the kids and then plops them right back in the bad situation they came from. Whenever possible, it is best to work within a family than to tear apart a family. Also, at the point that it is obvious the child/children need to be removed, *most* of those children do not need to be sent back, and yet they are. Very sad. Very sad indeed.
  • catshark209
    catshark209 Posts: 1,133 Member
    The only thing I will suggest is to contact child services, this is a form of abuse, and should not be left in their care.

    this is going to start *kitten* but whatver...

    I do NOT agree with kids being taken away from parents because of the weight/feeding issue.

    EDUCATE the kids and parents, monitor them.. give them tools and resources to use. Give them access to cooking classes etc to make healthier meals for the family. Taking the child is putting a band-aid over a gunshot wound.

    I'm going to agree with this, as this is really the parents....in some ethnic groups (including my own), being overweight is a sign of health and prosperity. This is why my very lean son is looked on with pity...and so am I. When there is a chubby or overweight child, everyone clucks at how "healthy" that child looks. Its a matter of being educated on proper nutrition and good nutritious healthy meals.
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