STUPID JOKE PARTY!

A Horse walks into a bar--

The Barkeep says' "Hey--Why the long face?"

BAZINGA

There are two muffins cooking in an oven. One muffin turns to the other and says, "Its really hot in here." The other muffin replys, "Holy smokes! A talking muffin!"

What do michael jackson and JC Penney have in common?

They both have little boys pants half off.

Whats the last thing that went through Whittney's mind before she died....Houston we have a problem....

What do you call a woman with a wooden leg?


PEG!!!!


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How do you catch a unique rabbit? Unique up on it!

How do you catch a tame rabbit? Tame way!

Did you hear the one about the Dwarf that had sex with a Giraffe? Yeah, his friends put him up to it!!! :laugh:

I had this crazy dream last night that I was a muffler on a car...
I woke up exhausted!

What do you call a flock of geese plus 1?

A spare a goose ===> (asparagus)


(Made up by my son one day at work - he works in the produce department)

What was the pid doing in the kitchen?
He was bac'n :laugh:

Here are some good tool definitions.



DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh s..."

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads.

WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for inadvertently lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 4X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts, especially useful for slicing work clothes.

DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'DAMMIT!' at the top of your lungs. Usually , the next tool that you will need.

Patient: "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
Dr: "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
Patient: "Is it common?"
Dr: "Well, "It's Not Unusual."

Now! How many of you have THIS in your head now http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kKSxlJPmz40

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

What's worse than dreaming about eating a marshmallow and waking up to find your pillow gone??? Dreaming you were eating

chocolate ice cream and waking up with a spoon hanging out of your butt!