Why is this not enough?

morethanabody
morethanabody Posts: 2
edited December 16 in Motivation and Support
I am a woman who has been married for many years, has given birth to many children (I'll just say more than three), who has fed them all from my breasts (isn't that what breasts are for?), and who makes the time and effort to exercise and eat right even with my busy schedule.

I'll just go ahead and admit that a large part of why I do all this is because I want to look good to my husband. I love him. His opinion matters a great deal to me. I want him to find me attractive and desireable. I can't help it.
And when I look at all that I have accomplished, I am D@MN PROUD! I have lost 40 pounds.

But even after seeing everything I've been through with pregnancies and childbirth and how hard I've worked to get into shape, and knowing that I want to please him, my husband told me that my body is unattractive to him (mainly my breasts, but he's also told me before that the loose skin/stretch marks on my stomach is unattractive). I know that my breasts aren't as perky as when I was younger/before children. I know that I have stretch marks and loose skin from the pregnancies. But do I really have to look as though I've never had children in order to be attractive? Do I seriously need a boob job and tummy tuck and liposuction and then photoshop on top of that to be considered beautiful? Why can't just taking care of myself be enough?
Cosmetic surgery is not an option for me. We have way more important things to spend our money on, and I have no one to care for the little ones while I recover. And surgery is painful and scary. But knowing that he would be happier if I had it...I just feel so defeated. He says he still loves me anyway. I'm not feeling very loved right about now.

Am I being unrealistic for wanting my husband to think I'm beautiful if I'm really not? Am I just being a crybaby for being upset about this? Is it a normal thing for guys to not think women's breasts are attractive anymore after they've had babies? Do I just need to suck it up? Should I go ahead and start putting back the money for the surgery?

I dunno what I'm looking for here. I'm sad and have nobody in real life to talk about this with. I would love some reassurance that I'm really OK and that he is the one who has the problem. But if I'm the one who's being unrealistic, I guess I need to know that.
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Replies

  • xdaysbingefree
    xdaysbingefree Posts: 98 Member
    You are in such good shape! You absolutely do NOT need surgery.
  • ladykate7
    ladykate7 Posts: 206 Member
    Sounds like he needs to get chewed out BIG TIME.

    heh, you reply "aww, I love you ANYWAY too, honey" Let him know you're not necessarily thrilled with all of him either. (ie. his comments re: your post multi-baby body-- that is rocking from those pics by the way!)
  • Seesaa
    Seesaa Posts: 451
    you look amazing, whether you had kids or not, i'd not be able to tell.
  • bushidowoman
    bushidowoman Posts: 1,599 Member
    That sucks.
  • _GlaDOS_
    _GlaDOS_ Posts: 1,520 Member
    Umm you look amazing.

    Tell him his d!ck is tiny.

    And then get a divorce.
  • Toddrific
    Toddrific Posts: 1,114 Member
    I'd say you look great. and like glaDOS said, tell him his weiner needs enhancement. it's too wrinkly.
    although..I wouldn't be surprised if he came home swinging a third leg.
  • sapalee
    sapalee Posts: 409 Member
    Hot MAMA!

    I get that you want to please your husband but good grief he needs to suck it up and be SO thankful for all that you have done and do for him. I'm betting he has his own insecurities with such a hot wife and he's trying to make himself feel better by focusing on your few or imagined flaws. I wouldn't even call them flaws, you've earned every stretch, scar, and sag you may have by bringing HIS children into the world. You don't need a body adjustment, he needs an attitude adjustment.
  • kvonjohn
    kvonjohn Posts: 569 Member
    You look amazing! I've only had two children and I'm not even close to that kind of body. I think that sometimes men get a little jealous of progress and try to find something that makes them feel better. A man may think that if his woman has this attractive body and he tells her she may begin to notice herself how good she looks and may turn the focus to him and his faults. He then may think that she feels that he is not good enough for her and that there are so many men who would want to be with her. I think that is why some men have to play this mental "keep 'er down" game to make themselves feel better.

    I'm not saying that this is your case because I don't know either of you. But it sucks that you look so great and the one person you want to notice doesn't. Just keep your self-confidence. Every time he says something negative just counter it with a positive. Hopefully things will turn around soon.
  • kbmnurse
    kbmnurse Posts: 2,484 Member
    Dump his *kitten*.
  • cessnaholly
    cessnaholly Posts: 780 Member
    Umm you look amazing.

    Tell him his d!ck is tiny.

    And then get a divorce.

    LOL. But yes, this. You look great. He's being cruel. You deserve to be treated better than that.
  • tinana_RN
    tinana_RN Posts: 541 Member
    I WISH my body looked close to that... lol Your husband is probably one of those never-happy type of people.
  • BigDaddyBRC
    BigDaddyBRC Posts: 2,395 Member
    Tell him to nut-up or shut-up. If he loves you, then its YOU, not what you look like. Of which, you surely wouldn't be kicked out of bed for eating crackers.
  • albinogorilla
    albinogorilla Posts: 1,056 Member
    look good to me!
  • Jeff92se
    Jeff92se Posts: 3,369 Member
    Is your husband some brad pitt clone or something?
  • megsmom2
    megsmom2 Posts: 2,362 Member
    Tell him to nut-up or shut-up. If he loves you, then its YOU, not what you look like. Of which, you surely wouldn't be kicked out of bed for eating crackers.

    what he said! And...after many years, I bet he isn't the prize he once was either. Jeez. He needs to grow up.
  • morethanabody
    morethanabody Posts: 2
    My thought right now is that if he thinks my body is unattractive, he doesn't have to see or touch it. He can let whatever fantasy girls he does find attractive help him take care of his needs. Alone.
  • notdancinganymore
    notdancinganymore Posts: 57 Member
    You look amazing! 'nough said! <3
  • garlic7girl
    garlic7girl Posts: 2,236 Member
    Know that you are a Masterpiece of God and wonderfully made woman! Say to yourself daily until it sinks in...health and well being is a gift and to maintain it is even more wonderful....once you embrace self and content with how strong you are your confidence will grow. Maybe he will come around maybe he won't but you can be in charge of how you feel about yourself...you rock!
  • pinuplove
    pinuplove Posts: 12,871 Member
    It IS enough. He's being a *kitten*. I won't tell you to leave him over it, but he needs a serious attitude adjustment. He also needs to learn how to appreciate the amazing, beautiful woman whose body gave him HIS CHILDREN. And he hasn't changed a bit since your wedding day? I doubt it.
  • atjays
    atjays Posts: 797 Member
    No offense, but your husband is effing retarded if he doesn't find you attractive, kids or no kids you look fantastic. A boob job and tummy tuck isn't going to change much. Is he overweight? It's not uncommon for partners to get jealous because of how fit you've become. If he showers you in compliments he may feel like you'll run off with someone else with your newfound body.
  • daffodilsoup
    daffodilsoup Posts: 1,972 Member
    I'll be honest - I expected a completely different photo when I read the text here. Mother or not, you have a killer body. Your husband needs his eyes checked.
  • KareninCanada
    KareninCanada Posts: 962 Member
    You are beautiful just the way you are, especially considering you've carried multiple children!!!

    Can I recommend that you start working on your body for YOU, though, and not to try to make him find you more attractive? Absolutely it's a side benefit when they are impressed, but the motivation to keep with it has got to come from inside you.

    I will NOT join the chorus of "dump him" voices because I don't think that's generally the best answer. But something is definitely wrong here, and it needs to be addressed. One thing to consider is, does he by any chance have issues with pornography that could be creating false expectations?

    Big squishy virtual hugs to you ... sounds like you're on a rocky road right now.
  • arickim
    arickim Posts: 137
    You need to put your husband in his place and not worry about what comes out of his mouth.
  • countrygirl812
    countrygirl812 Posts: 116
    My husband would never get any from me again, and he could possibly be short a few teeth if he ever said something to me like that. Your spouse is supposed to support you, not tear you down.

    Tell him to have babies and see what it does to his body. Better yet, if he's in such amazing shape, then tell him to post a pic.
  • Selles36
    Selles36 Posts: 11
    Your husband is the one who has the problem. Your body looks fantastic. You've provided him with children and I would guess a loving, long-term relationship. Many of us have not had that experience. That's part of the reason I am here and I am doing my best to lose weight so I can get what I hope you have.

    You are lovely! He's probably jealous and afraid because you have put in the effort to change and be better to yourself and he is feeling left out.
  • Beezil
    Beezil Posts: 1,677 Member
    Honey, you are gorgeous! Honestly, if my husband said those things to me I would be devastated - and I don't know that I could get over something like that either. My boobs are tiny after my weight loss, and far from perky. He still loves them and pays them plenty of attention, even though I don't believe him he still tells me all the time that he likes them. As for my stretchmarks and loose skin, he has never said anything about those things to me, except when I asked, and he said they don't bother him at all. He says he doesn't notice those kinds of things. Now, whether or not that's true is beside the point. I don't think it's okay for your husband or anyone's husband to tell them they find you unattractive like that, especially for something you can't even help!!! That is so screwed up! How could someone who loves you say such things, when he knows damn well it's out of your control? Your man should love you for you, no matter how you look, imo. And if you are working your *kitten* off to be attractive to him, you deserve to be loved even more for that! I think most men find that in itself attractive when a woman wants to take care of herself... I know my husband started paying me a lot more attention once I started working out and eating right.

    I think you seriously need to re-evaluate your marriage, because (sorry for my language) your husband sounds like a real douche. I myself am saving up for breast augmentation - but that is MY choice, for MY own self-esteem and confidence. My husband supports me in that decision, but has always told me he doesn't think I need anything done and am beautiful just the way I am. That is how it should be in a happy marriage! Don't ever go under the knife if that is not 100% and ultimately and only YOUR CHOICE for YOU! Screw him! You are smoking hot and could do so much better I'm sure of that.
  • lisa46219
    lisa46219 Posts: 99 Member
    If your brothers, or your uncles, or close friends made a similar remark, how would you react? I am appauled by his remark, and hope you are too. I am guessing he is transferring his insecurities onto you, but that is no excuse. I hope he is spending a couple of nights in the doghouse (although, personally, I think that is too easy on him!)
  • nataliefallbach
    nataliefallbach Posts: 105
    I think you look awesome, way better then me and I don't have any children. If my husband said that to me, I would be so heart broken. I think you should tell him, if you haven't already that his comments are extremely hurtful, not to mention untrue! Keep your head up and remember that self confidence comes from within you and its something that somebody else can take away ONLY if you let them. And honestly, if he wants you to have plastic surgery then make him pay for it and watch all the kids while you are recovering, maybe after that he will never take you for granted again.
  • Krushchev
    Krushchev Posts: 178 Member
    I'll be honest - I expected a completely different photo when I read the text here. Mother or not, you have a killer body. Your husband needs his eyes checked.


    Thiiiiiis. He is getting some serious side-eye from me over here.
  • mstawnya
    mstawnya Posts: 450 Member
    I think you need to lose 180 more pounds (or however much he weighs). First & foremost, you have to be fit & healthy for yourself. His rude opinion is insensitive and reeks of jealousy and insecurity.
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