Jealousy/Relationships (Can anyone relate?)
Replies
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What is really going to change if you are 18 pounds lighter? You won't magically not be jealous.
Jealousy stems from insecurity. Which means a lack of security. You fear losing that security.
^^^Couldn't be more true! I'm actually a VERY jealous person... and I've (Surprisingly?) become MORE jealous now that I'm in better shape/look better. I can't really explain it ... except that my partner has also gotten in better shape, so is looking better too. Still, we took the journey together and we've been committed for over 5 years (also just recently engaged).
It's a fight... something I deal with on a near-daily basis. Wish I had better advice - all I can say is that I understand and that you can't count on how you look to make this go away.0 -
There have been some times that I've felt like that. I've been with my boyfriend for over 5 years. It has been the past 2 years that I have really felt free of the jealousy. Honestly, it had more to do with how I feel about myself than him.
Every time he would go out, I would be worried that some thinner, prettier more amazing girl would catch his eye and make him lose interest in me.
However, I will say that I worked on it and it passed. Don't ever feel pathetic about how you feel. Acknowledgment is part of figuring it out and moving forward.
I still get little twinges of jealousy here and there, but now they just remind me of how much I want to keep him.
"Acknowledgment is part of figuring it out and moving forward. "
At least you know it's not right, that is all you need to get passed this. Most women are just that way and think it's normal. You love him enough to want to fix the issue and that is awesome!! I believe every woman goes through this in life at some point and we all work through it the best we can until eventually it goes away or we wreck enough relationships with it.
Remember, he is replacable and I think this is the issue in most women's minds. If I lose him, I won't have anyone. Well, yes you will BUT he has chosen you and take pride in that fact. If you were to lose him to someone else, then it wasn't meant to be and the right one will come. Enjoy the here and now and wait for the future, don;t try to steer it.
The jist is: Stop worrying about things that haven't even happened yet.0 -
Yep us men do really pay attention to hot women, naked women and sex. But looking and actually pursuing aren't the same thing. Being a PT, I'm hit on ALL the time by females in the gym, both young and old. At first my wife was insecure about it, but I assured her that attraction is only physical. Relationships are much more than that. I couldn't be with someone who is just about material possessions being the definition of who they are. I've had girlfriends who were drop dead gorgeous, but cared so much about having to wear designer clothes, shoes, etc. and spend money on that rather then on a getaway to the beach.
You have to work on your self esteem and self worth. If not, then you'll end up always looking over your SO's shoulder and trust me as a male, that could be a deal breaker in a relationship.
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Will you please quit w/ the damn signature. No one cares. If they did, they'd read your profile.0 -
I can totally relate. I'm a jealous psycho-b*tch, all the time?
Should i be jealous? Probably not.
Do i have a reason to be jealous- ABSOLUTELY!
I've been cheated on and was once with a guy who told me his parents were dissapointed that i wasn't goodlooking enough & model like. (This of course, was bull****). I was also told by the same guy that i was fat - and he pressured me into watching porn - he regretted that for the night afterwards!
But anyway, its hard NOT to be jealous when we're insecure and don't resemble porn-stars. I absolutely can't stand listening to guys comparing women to people like that. Makes me homacidal! Thankfully my boyfriend isn't one of these. (not in front of me anyway, i don't care what he says when I'm not around as long as he loves me in the end! Thats all that matters.)
I've been with mine for 2 years and yeah, they are sex mad! It drives me insane when a girl in a bikini, shorts or a skirt appears in real life, in a magazine, or on TV! I just hate that i can't be them!! Hence, the desperate journey to lose the flab! I've given so many women dirty looks just because they're better looking than me or wearing less clothes (including my sister & other family members). I've even avoided speaking to my cousin in front of him. (She's stunning..) :-/
I don't like that I'm like this at all because most of these women are really nice people who i get along with, and the others I've never met or given a chance!
I hate the way the media implies all women are perfect - it makes you feel like you're the only one that isn't sexy. Drives me insane!
I know how you feel with losing 18 more pounds. I've the very same goal. At least if i am a normal weight ill be that littlest bit more sane - though, I'm aware that my body dysmorphia won't just go away with losing weight, since I've been like this since i came out of the womb!
I really don't want to scare him away with my psycho-moments but its IMPOSSIBLE to not be jealous!!
But hon, you are PERFECT! I'm gonna get a little religious here, but I gotta say it: You (and all the other gals who are sweating this) were beautifully and wonderfully made. Everything about you is the way it is supposed to be. And it is GORGEOUS. Be brilliant, talented and fabulous. SHINE! When you do that, you give others permission to do the same.
Aww thats sweet! But people can say it until we're blue - and we won't believe them. We just need to learn to be happy with ourselves!0 -
I used to be CRAZY jealous. Freaking out at things that werent even there-or so I thought. Every person that I had suspicions of cheating, or being a pig, or being too friendly with another female turned out to be correct. Even though each person I was with told me I was crazy. It wasnt me. I never thought I could be normal, I thought, maybe I am crazy, maybe this is just how I will be in every relationship. 3 long term relationships in 15 years-I thougth this. It turned out that I was spot on with every "crazy" accusation. (Not saying that your man is doing anything wrong, this is my experience). After my last relationship ended, and even though each one was lying/cheating, I still thought something could be wrong with me and got some counsling and stayed single for a few years.
I met my current man 2 years ago and our wedding is in June. Never once have I been crazy, jealous, questioning things he has done, not wanting him to go out/talk to women, or worry about who he was talking to or looking at.
I think this is partly because
1- I recognized the problem in myself and talked to someone about it
2- Stayed single for a while until I could learn to have some self-esteem and love myself
3 - Find a man that is actually NOT doing anything wrong
Hope this helps.
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Wow. Good thing you're the authority on males.:laugh: Don't be shocked one day if you find your man looking at another female a flat out lying to you that he's not attracted.Yep us men do really pay attention to hot women, naked women and sex. But looking and actually pursuing aren't the same thing. Being a PT, I'm hit on ALL the time by females in the gym, both young and old. At first my wife was insecure about it, but I assured her that attraction is only physical. Relationships are much more than that. I couldn't be with someone who is just about material possessions being the definition of who they are. I've had girlfriends who were drop dead gorgeous, but cared so much about having to wear designer clothes, shoes, etc. and spend money on that rather then on a getaway to the beach.
You have to work on your self esteem and self worth. If not, then you'll end up always looking over your SO's shoulder and trust me as a male, that could be a deal breaker in a relationship.
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
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Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 28+ years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
Don't listen to this turd. My husband is 100% obsessed with me and can't even bring himself to be attracted to other girls. Until you find a guy like that, he's not worth your time.
You can disagree, but no need to name call. That kind of shows immaturity.
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Lol, they do as you can tell by my plethora of friends who CONSTANTLY ask me for advice. There is an IGNORE button if it's bothers you so much.Will you please quit w/ the damn signature. No one cares. If they did, they'd read your profile.
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Lol, they do as you can tell by my plethora of friends who CONSTANTLY ask me for advice. There is an IGNORE button if it's bothers you so much.Will you please quit w/ the damn signature. No one cares. If they did, they'd read your profile.
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
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THANK YOU!! I think i just found my new favorite thing about MFP forums! 0 -
Yep us men do really pay attention to hot women, naked women and sex. But looking and actually pursuing aren't the same thing. Being a PT, I'm hit on ALL the time by females in the gym, both young and old. At first my wife was insecure about it, but I assured her that attraction is only physical. Relationships are much more than that. I couldn't be with someone who is just about material possessions being the definition of who they are. I've had girlfriends who were drop dead gorgeous, but cared so much about having to wear designer clothes, shoes, etc. and spend money on that rather then on a getaway to the beach.
You have to work on your self esteem and self worth. If not, then you'll end up always looking over your SO's shoulder and trust me as a male, that could be a deal breaker in a relationship.
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 28+ years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
Don't listen to this turd. My husband is 100% obsessed with me and can't even bring himself to be attracted to other girls. Until you find a guy like that, he's not worth your time.
Sorry but your husband is not the norm. It is not abnormal or unhealthy at all to be attracted to others girls. Whether he chooses to act on that or remain faithful is a different story. Some guys just aren't honest about what goes through their head to their significant other because of the overreaction they will receive.
But for the OP, my suggestion is to find a way to stop worrying about what your bf might be thinking. My philosophy has always been that even though my wife might get hit on, I can't force her to remain faithful to me or stay with me. She is who she is and I can't change that about her. There is no point in getting jealous over the possibility that somebody else could interfere with our relationship. It is either meant to be or it isn't. All I can do is do my part in keeping the relationship healthy but she needs to do her part as well. So far that approach is working because I likely used good enough judgement when I chose her in marriage.0 -
I used to be like this with my husband. And I come to the realization that it wasn't him it was an issue with my self. Also your still young, and I think things change as you get older you start realizing what's important.
It wasn't until my husband an I separated for 6 six months till I learned that some things like what your talking about on TV etc are not important at all. He's not cheating on you with the TV. You take the risk of pushing him away with jealousy. My best advice to you is to work on your self and your self esteem. Know that ur man loves you. If he wanted to be with other women he wouldn't be with you. 0 -
Lots of great advice!0
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I am sorry for you. I can relate. I am Muslim and so I cannot go out with my Husband to bars or hang out with him and his friends around alcohal. I get so jealous of his female friends that I stay home and worry the entire time he is gone. Sometimes I push myself to tears.
There is hope however. You must understand that no matter what you do, you will not be able to prevent him from seeing other woman around or out in public or on the TV. It comes down to trust, self confidence and your happiness.
If you cannot convince yourself to trust him, you will never find peace and be happy. Plus, he will begin to resent it and you may push him away as you said.
You must feel beautiful yourself. There will always be a thinner woman out there. You have to look at yourself entirely and find the things about yourself that are remarkable. Build your own confidence by taking a little time to focus on yourself.
Therapy or group discussions sometimes help too. If he loves you and you are good and kind to eachother you have to depend on that love and respect to keep him from looking around. If you have reason to believe he is not trustworthy, thats an entirly diffrent issue. If you dont go out with your fiance or watch TV with him because you are so strongly affected then your not benifiting from the relationship and he isnt getting to enjoy simple things with you. This will push him away. All I can say is have faith in him, learn to appreciate yourself and be open and honest with him about your feelings. Tell him you know you may be over the top sometimes, but your going to try to change your over-reactive behavior. He should support you.
Best of luck,
Feel free to add me as a friend if you like0 -
Yep us men do really pay attention to hot women, naked women and sex. But looking and actually pursuing aren't the same thing. Being a PT, I'm hit on ALL the time by females in the gym, both young and old. At first my wife was insecure about it, but I assured her that attraction is only physical. Relationships are much more than that. I couldn't be with someone who is just about material possessions being the definition of who they are. I've had girlfriends who were drop dead gorgeous, but cared so much about having to wear designer clothes, shoes, etc. and spend money on that rather then on a getaway to the beach.
You have to work on your self esteem and self worth. If not, then you'll end up always looking over your SO's shoulder and trust me as a male, that could be a deal breaker in a relationship.
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 28+ years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
Don't listen to this turd. My husband is 100% obsessed with me and can't even bring himself to be attracted to other girls. Until you find a guy like that, he's not worth your time.
a guy will ALWAYS be ATTRACTED to other girls, It dont matter HOW MUCH he loves you. Its human nature.0 -
I can't seriously relate and there are so many good comments here. Having more confidence is really important.
I struggled with jealousy in the past-still do a little. I am married to an amazing guy who has never given me a reason to be jealous. Jealousy is more about you than whether men really are pigs-lots of them are. Agree with the comment that men will not change even if you lose the weight. Honestly the only thing that helped me was when I decided not to put my worth in my husbands hands. I began to pursue things that I felt made me a better person-I read more, gave more, learned more. I started a business and realized I had a lot more strength than I thought.
I hope that helps. You're not alone.0 -
Yep us men do really pay attention to hot women, naked women and sex. But looking and actually pursuing aren't the same thing. Being a PT, I'm hit on ALL the time by females in the gym, both young and old. At first my wife was insecure about it, but I assured her that attraction is only physical. Relationships are much more than that. I couldn't be with someone who is just about material possessions being the definition of who they are. I've had girlfriends who were drop dead gorgeous, but cared so much about having to wear designer clothes, shoes, etc. and spend money on that rather then on a getaway to the beach.
You have to work on your self esteem and self worth. If not, then you'll end up always looking over your SO's shoulder and trust me as a male, that could be a deal breaker in a relationship.
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 28+ years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
Will you please quit w/ the damn signature. No one cares. If they did, they'd read your profile.
Lmfao. I think that everytime.
If your not answering a FITNESS question that signature pretty much irrelevent.0 -
I had a jealousy issue years ago when first going with my (now) husband. Women would always be hitting on him, handing him their phone numbers when I wasn't around, etc. I really had a problem thinking about what he was doing when I was not with him. I accused him of things that weren't happening, started snooping in his pockets, wallet, etc. Needless to say, after alot of arguments, I had worried for nothing -- We have never cheated on each other -- When my, much older, married sister said "he wouldn't be with you if he wanted someone else." Something that simple made me think and drop the jealousy issue. I certainly would not want to be with him if he wanted someone else. I think all men will look, it's a normal thing -- I look at men. We both feel comfortable enough to even point out other attractive men/women to each other.
The point is, if you can't be yourselves with each other, you shouldn't be together. Your jealousy may eventually drive him away.0 -
Sweetie we have all been jealous at one point and time. But I want u to step back and incounter the reason y u are jealous. Have u been hurt before. How were past relationships. Have he gave u a reason to be jealous. And also open up to him looking at other women. I have a good husband. But I know that he looks at other women, not lustfully but just look at them. I look at other men also. And I say things like, baby hes fit isnt he. And he say stuuf to me like she got a big butt, and Im black and my butt is as flat as a pancake. And when I see a nice looking woman I say stuff to him like man she look nice. I use to be a tad bit jealous but I know my husband loves me and that Im his women, wife. So even when we see nice shape fit women it dont bother me. Another thing dont do this for him. You have to want this for urself. It sounds like u are insecure with urself. Once u get that confidence u need, you will be okay with him even speaking to hot women( in a respectible way). I hope this helps0
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A good friend of mine has the same issue. She has been married for several years, and this was an issue before they were married. Her husband is a good man and loves her, but this is putting a serious strain on their marriage. She doesn't let him go anywhere without her, they don't have friends as a couple, even his job has been in jeopardy because she is so jealous and scared he will cheat (and this is completely unfounded in reality). Losing weight won't fix this, and neither will marriage. He can't fix it either (assuming he isn't giving you any cause to think he would be unfaithful). Find whatever help you can, books or counseling or whatever, but don't think it will just go away.0
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So could the same be said about your ticker? Just sayin'.Lmfao. I think that everytime.
If your not answering a FITNESS question that signature pretty much irrelevent.
How about not worrying about me and just stick to the OP's concern.
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Nope. A man like mine is one in a million. He's not the typical dog. And I've been through MANY men.0
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Sounds like you were just dating the wrong kind of men before then.Nope. A man like mine is one in a million. He's not the typical dog. And I've been through MANY men.
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I've had issues with this in the past, but honestly, most of the time I've run into it (either for myself or by watching a friend), there tends to be some kind of reason prompting it. Either *he* was jealous or possessive, so it made me act that way, or else his behavior (or hers, depending on the situation) caused her to worry because he'd make little comments or watch other girls a little more than just for fun or something else.
If there really isn't a reason, though, then it might just be that you need to work on feeling better about yourself so that you don't have those nagging feelings making you doubt yourself and then doubt him.
Hope you find a way to fix it so that things don't go the wrong direction for the two of you. That's a hard way to live if you're always worried and not feeling loved and secure. :flowerforyou:0 -
Yep us men do really pay attention to hot women, naked women and sex. But looking and actually pursuing aren't the same thing. Being a PT, I'm hit on ALL the time by females in the gym, both young and old. At first my wife was insecure about it, but I assured her that attraction is only physical. Relationships are much more than that. I couldn't be with someone who is just about material possessions being the definition of who they are. I've had girlfriends who were drop dead gorgeous, but cared so much about having to wear designer clothes, shoes, etc. and spend money on that rather then on a getaway to the beach.
You have to work on your self esteem and self worth. If not, then you'll end up always looking over your SO's shoulder and trust me as a male, that could be a deal breaker in a relationship.
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 28+ years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
Will you please quit w/ the damn signature. No one cares. If they did, they'd read your profile.
Lmfao. I think that everytime.
If your not answering a FITNESS question that signature pretty much irrelevent.
Do you have to add a signature manually each post or is it a setting?0 -
I feel the same way! I cant shake the feeling either.0
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I had jealousy issues in my first marriage but I was right to...he slept around on me a lot.
My second husband (and last, because he is a keeper) was patient with my issues at first. I now know that he is an honest, faithful and loving man. Despite the fact that I need to lose 100 lbs, he loves and adores me and I'm not concerned about him seeing or working with other women. He had a trainer at the gym who was an IFBB professional. She was gorgeous, perfect body and a nice and sweet person too. He appreciated her looks ( he is alive after all) but that was all.
I wish I only had 18 lbs to lose..however, no matter what your weight, the insecurity isn't about your weight. You can rock your body, no matter what size it is.
You do need to speak to somebody about your issues. If he is faithful to you, there should be no jealousy.
Oh...and to the "all men are pigs" comment............Seriously???? Do you honestly believe that? That is such a horrible thing to say. Most men are good people. Do they think about sex? Absolutely. But then..so do I. Does that make me a pig too?0 -
This is an interesting thread!
Before I got into a program for my alcoholism, I too had super jelousy issues. When it came up during the twelve step process, my sponsor told me I had security issues. I thought he was crazy, but here is what I found out about me.
Nobody thinks of me the way I think of me. Nobody thinks I am a disugusting piece of "you know what" and that I don't deserve to be with this person or that person. When I get jelous, that is what I am telling myself, is that I don't deserve what I have, whether it is a person, place or thing.
With the help of doing the twelve steps and taking care of my issues, namely the past, I have found that I don't get jelous anymore. And I know that I am someone worth knowing or getting to know, I treat my friends and family with love and respect, and that if you are a friend of mine, I treat you the way my friends treat me!
Jelousy is not about what the other person is doing that is making me jelous, it is about how I feel about me that is making me feel insecure and feeling like I don't deserve! As my sponsor says "You got some inside work to do! It ain't what is going on outside that is making you feel that way, it is what is going on inside your heart and soul that makes you feel that way". My emotions aren't fact, I shouldn't react to them like they are!
God Bless and do an inside job, it works every time!
BC0 -
I feel you are the problem.0
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You can have a ticker as a signature, but otherwise you have to add it manually. Signatures were disabled because they were getting out of hand.Do you have to add a signature manually each post or is it a setting?0 -
OP, most people experience some jealousy or insecurity at times. What puts it over the edge is when it starts interfering with your daily life, and it sounds like that's happened. You can't go out without feeling uncomfortable; you can't even watch TV without it bothering you. I know some people don't like the idea of seeking professional help, but maybe you should consider relationship counseling, or talk to a pastor/rabbi/whatever.0
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This is an interesting paper to read. Check it out when you have time.Research showed that women were more jealous than men (DeWeerth & Kalma 1993). Women
became more jealous than men when they thought that their marital relationship had been damaged
(Buunk, 1984). Women were more likely than men to make a greater attempt to maintain relationship
(Bryson, 1991). Women were more emotionally reactive in jealousy- stimulating positions (DeWeerth
& Kalma, 1993). Sheets & Wolfe (2001) found men express greater sexual jealousy while women
display greater emotional jealousy.
European Journal of Scientific Research
ISSN 1450-216X Vol.39 No.4 (2010), pp.498-504
© EuroJournals Publishing, Inc. 2010
http://www.eurojournals.com/ejsr.htm
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
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Been in fitness for 28+ years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition0
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