Husbands that sabotage.

I appreciate all you answers! Thing is, though, that he specifically asked me to make him this specific meal for dinner tonight, so I spent a good hour preparing it. AND he had agreed to clean up his diet LAST NIGHT and that he would no longer eat garbage. I want to go all Kate Gosselin on his *kitten*, but I'm just keeping it in right now. Argh.

Vent as you need to here - some of us has experienced the same kinds of things. Just curious, if he is going to start eating better too, is he going to create an account on here? Maybe that would help you both have a common ground and he'd be more supportive. I know it's so much easier to fight this weight loss battle when your spouse is going through it with you.

:flowerforyou:

How am I supposed to feel when my husband comes home from work, and I find out that he had McDonalds for breakfast and Taco Bell for lunch, and he's still too full to eat the dinner he asked me to prepare!? WTF. How am I supposed to feel? What am I even supposed to say to that? I'm so angry right now that I'm tempted to throw this food in his face.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

:mad: :explode: :mad: :explode: :angry

You have to go to my photos to see what mine did to me today.

I had just gotten started on the treadmill and he walked in front of me and I had him stay there till I snapped the pic. His sense of humor

I'm sorry but I don't get what the big deal is. If he doesn't want to eat its called left overs for a reason.

I also don't get why when people start changing their diets they feel the urge to get everyone around them doing it too! Why is that?
I am doing this on my own my husband still eats the same stuff as he did before it doesn't phase me and he is a fast food junkie he is lucky to be able to eat that crap and not gain but me on the other hand can't do it and I don't expect him to give it up for me.

Or do you have them do it so you aren't tempted? Which again has to do with a persons own willpower. Because temptations are out there. I have a cabinet full of junk food in my house but its my willpower that keeps me from sticking my hand in the cookie jar.

I don't know I just don't get it. It's not as hard as many try to make it out to be.

First off, I made a meal specifically for him so I didn't cook a meal just to call it leftovers. Second, when you get married, you become a team. We're both overweight and we both need to get in shape so unlike your husband, mine can't eat all the crap he wants. I'm not trying to control him, nor am I tempted by the garbage he eats. We both came to an agreement that we both need to get heathly and that we need to do this together, because we got fat together. I care about his health, and I don't want him to drop dead from a heart attack. I'm sorry, but this isn't all about me. It's about the people I love too.

So I'm sorry you don't 'get it', but it IS harder than it seems. At least that's what everybody else on this board feels, otherwise we wouldn't be here spilling out every issue, problem, or concern known to man that we have.

Hi Patty.... I understand where you're coming from and while I have no idea if what I'm gonna say will be helpful or not I'm throwing it out here anyway. :laugh: I think we can agree that him asking you to prepare a special dinner and then not being hungry for it is, at best, him not thinking. I'm sure it wasn't intentional but of course your feelings are hurt because you went to this trouble and now he doesn't seem to be appreciative...

You mentioned that you both are trying to lose weight and get healthy. Then he goes and "sabotages" himself with McDonalds and Taco Bell. You also mentioned being worried about his health. I totally understand where you're coming from because my husband is diabetic and can hardly be trusted to take his insulin regularly let alone eat properly or exercise. His doctor flat out told him if he didn't change his ways he was GOING TO DIE. We have a 6 yr old and a 4 yr old so imagine how I felt sitting in that room hearing his doctor use those words. Now it's been a couple of years and he's done exactly NOTHING to change his situation. I scream, yell, prepare special food, beg, plead, throw away junk, everything I could think of to SAVE HIM FROM HIMSELF! and lose a few pounds myself. Nothing worked. Until....

I finally decided to leave him alone and told him that not only was I going to prepare for his death but I was going to take care of myself so our kids would have at least one parent. I think he thought I was kidding! :grumble: I started being more aware of what we were eating and he could choose to come up with lunch from what I bought (90% healthy stuff) and eat what I cooked for dinner (or he was on his own). I also started doing the couch to 5K program. Wasn't but a few weeks as the inches are flying off and I'm happier than I've been in a LOOOONG time (endorphins and all that I suppose lol) that he starts taking notice. Now he's running with me and is already feeling 100% better.

I know every relationship is different but for me when I finally stopped yelling at my husband and started just being freaking awesome while he's sitting on the couch eating potato chips that's when he decided he wanted to change... however it goes for you I wish you the best of luck and know that your MFP friends have your back!! :flowerforyou:

I would have been upset too if I had made a special meal. My husband will eat like that (fast food half way through the day and ruin his dinner).

((HUGS))
Vent all you need to, whether someone on here agrees or not, you need a place to let it out.
Only you fully know your situation.

Well, I hope you guys don't think ALL husbands are like this!

Even before I started getting healthy, I always tried to support the wife, and was conscious of her needs even if I was eating crappy.

That said, I understand the part about being bothered by him asking to make a meal and then not being hungry, that's at best selfish and at worst a little mean, and I have no problem with you venting about it.

The other part though, about being a team, well... even though that's true, there still has to be areas of your life, as a couple, that you do for yourself. I'm a firm believer in the fact that nobody else will be able to help you lose weight, it's our own responsibility that we have to take and run with. If your husband decides to join you in the journey, GREAT! That means you guys can be a team (as my wife and I are) but I don't think you should rely on them. Basically, IMHO, if your husband doesn't want to participate, there's really nothing you can say to change his mind, he has to want to, but you CAN ask him to move aside and allow you to do it without sulking, insults, jabs, or any other kind of negative attitude towards it. I would also ask for the occational kind word of encouragement, I don't think that's too much to ask.

On the upside, as I've seen on this thread, and many other times on the forums in the past. The best way to get a spouse to join you is to have them see your results. Many times people will see that it's REALLY WORKING and feel like there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

anyway, those are my thoughts.

Best luck to you on this.

I think you had a right to feel disappointed that he didn't eat the dinner he asked you to prepare, but I'm not certain that anger will get you the response you want from him. As others have said, you cannot force him to eat the way you think he should, you are not his mother, and he does not need you to be.

I would have a talk with him about how it makes you feel when he asks you to prepare something and then doesn't eat it. Not confrontational, just use a lot of "I" statements. What he decides to do after that is up to him. And you will have to decide if it's something you can accept from him. If not, then you'll have other decisions to make.

As far as a "team," well again, you cannot force him to behave the way you think he should. You can be disappointed in his behavior, you can use it as an excuse to not do well yourself, or you can focus on yourself and do what you need to do for you to be healthy. Build your own life and he may just choose to follow along.

Hope today is a better day for you. :flowerforyou:

It is difficult to remain objective when working with someone with whom you have emotional ties. However, it can be helpful to approach spouses and family with some professional detachment.

Health professionals who deal with behavior change must be constantly aware of an individual's readiness for change. There are 5 accepted stages of "readiness"--precontemplative, contemplative, preparation, action, and maintenance. As you can see, one must get all the way to stage 4 before adopting substantial and consistent behavioral changes.

You can make all the "agreements" and "contracts" you want between yourself and a spouse, yourself and a friend, etc. but if they are not at the "action" stage, they are not going to follow the "rules", and if you are at different stages of readiness, you will be fighting a losing battle--and not the one you want. It's not that they are being "lazy" or "disloyal"--they just aren't ready.

It is important to be aware of where a spouse is on the scale and then come up with strategies that fit that stage of readiness. Sometimes they may move forward, sometimes not.

Think of what caused you to finally move to the "action" stage. Often, it is a significant and personal event. If the spouse did not experience the same event, it will be more difficult for them to change, even if they verbalize agreement.

Another thing is to look at what is going on in the other person's life. They may have job stresses, time demands, etc. that make it more difficult for them to match your new choices. Again, it is a process that may not move in nice regular increments.

On the flip side, the other person should have the same consideration and work as hard to understand and be supportive of YOUR current situation as well. It works both ways.

I think the best thing is to try and be as open, honest, and supportive of each other without being too judgemental. (The issue of him asking you to prepare a specific meal and then filling up before coming home is totally separate from the issue of "sabotage"--that was just rude).

I am a professional and I had to come to grips with this myself this summer. My wife has experienced a similar weight gain as I did over the past 8 years. She teaches school and during the school year it is extremely difficult for her to follow a consistent workout routine during the year with her long hours. Previously, I was working even longer hours, so it was impossible for me to take on more household duties than I was already doing, to free up more time for her. She was very supportive of my weight loss efforts--a little envious, but she was planning on "joining" me when summer hit and getting on a more vigorous program.

Well, it didn't work out that way. She had some things come up during the summer, and also found that the extra weight has affected her knees so that she was not able to exercise as much or as vigorously. In the past, she was able to lose 10-15 lb with mostly increased exercise. Now that was not working. She did not lose one pound during the summer.

She tends to be a lot more rigid in her habits than me. When I lost my job in January, I took over most of the cooking and when I started my weight loss program in March, I REALLY took over the cooking--but that's just dinner. She is one of those people who tends to find reasons why she "can't" change certain habits--as though they were "rules" imposed by an authority figure. For example, she will not switch to sugar-free beverages ("I can't stand the taste"). As a result, she probably consumes 400-600 calories a day purely from sugar (and creamer) in coffee, tea, and soft drinks. She also has problems with portion control and changing the amounts of food from what she was previously eating. As a result, she eats more calories per day than I do, even though I am 45lbs heavier and burning 4x more calories per week in exercise.

Along with her lack of success has come a decreased amount of support for my efforts. She has started making fun of me when I measure out my foods, and "playfully" complaining if I do the same for her. I can no longer publicly acknowledge/celebrate new scale "achievements", because it makes her depressed.

At first, I got kind of mad myself--for awhile I stopped cooking for her--but, again, I had to take a step back and realize that, despite her saying she "wants" to make these changes, she is not ready yet to make them. So I need to find some other strategies and be as supportive as I can (e.g. she is going to start going to the fitness center at the middle school in her district 2 nights a week to lift weights, which means rearranging dinners and me taking on more car pool duties for her daughter's soccer practice).

But, as frustrating as it can be, and we're all human, it is a mistake to think this is easy. Working together on these types of changes can be very rewarding, but it can be very difficult as well. You can't just expect "love" to make it all work out.