advice needed baddddd

I am with the one who says to sit with your fiance and CALMLY discuss how to handel the children so you can approach them on a non-divided front. If he gets irratible, don't raise your voice, just ask try to keep discussing things like adults. I work around 70 hrs/ wk and watch my kids during the day and I can say that perhaps your fiance's irritability came from just being tired (the counter-attack instead of an actual conversation indicates this). Try approaching him when he is rested and a bit more amiable to discussions. Frankly, 19 IS considered an ADULT however, the way most people raise their kids makes them unprepaired to face the real world. That being said, Is (your fiance) afraid his son won't make it on his own? Have you two discussed what it would take for him to be comfortable enough to have his son go? What would make your fiance responsive to his son's moving out? Why did HE end up moving out of HIS parent's house? What was his motivation to move out and does this have bearing on the situation at hand? These questions should be asked to give the both of you goals to shoot for; Remember, this is also setting precedent for when your child reaches the age of maturity.

Time to throw the kid out of the house and give him a reality check! Sounds like he needs a lesson in respect, manners, and a dose of reality.

I remember being that 19 year old boy, 20 some odd years ago.
The best gift my father could have given me was luggage and a boot to the *kitten*.
I would not be the man I am now if my father did not shoo me from the nest.

It is his son and he must do it. But it must be done.

I used to babysit a lot growing up and two boys I used to watch were hellians! One of them was so crazy, I came over to watch him once and his bedroom door was missing. I asked his mom what happened and she said that privacy was a priviledge. He had to earn his door back! HAHAHAHA! First he was super angry and acted out and cussed at her and threw his stuff everywhere, then eventually he calmed down and started sucking up to her so he could get his door back. I agree with shutting off anything he would want to use like the internet. If the things that are distracting him are no longer available, he's either going to move out to be around the things he wants, or he's gonna change to stick around and have those things readily available. I would start becoming super strict and do it with a smile. When he swears at you, just let him know, you love him and he's only hurting himself.

Not sure if you're aware, but if authorities get wind that pot smoking is going on in that house, the law can remove your own son from you, and you and/or your bf charged with a variety of possession or negligence charges... Smokey needs to go...

Sounds like both kids....the 14 and the 19 year old need a lesson in RESPECT. Doesnt matter how old they are, they shouldnt be giving you a hard time...step mom or not. Hubby to be should definately be stepping in and discipling that kid, or kicking his *kitten* out.

I agree with you! I have 2 step kids (son & daughter) both teenagers from not 1 but 2 different mothers who both respect me enough to do as I say OR they can answer to their dad... But I pretty much don't have to go that route. Probably not since they were young like 7 or 8 years old. We all pretty much get along good and I have a daughter with my husband and believe it ir not my 9 year old gives me a harder time.......I would tell him he needs to go!! I got kicked out at 19 because I didn't want to listen and follow my parents rules and guess what I learned how to grow up fast and appreciated my parents more especially after being a parent myself....You need to not be afraid of "Tough Love"..........GOOD LUCK!

After all of this, I wonder...where does he get the pot?? He's not working, so who's buying it? I agree with those who say a family meeting is needed where you determine where everyone stands on the issues, if you can all agree on the solutions together, set the rules and consequences, and move forward. If the rules are broken and consequences not paid then someone goes.
You do need to take a close look, together with your fiancee, at your relationship before you can decide to make changes. The two of you must agree or it can never work. If he loves and respects you, he will be willing to do whatever it takes (sticking to the ground rules). If not, you must leave.

Hope things are looking brighter this morning!


Just remember this.... we teach people how to treat us, I made it my mantra when it took me two years to get a divorce from a textbook narcissist.

Hope you get a few laughs in today!

I had kind of a similar experience once. The guy I had been seeing long term had twin boys (I called them devil children), they were so unmanagable because he let them do whatever they wanted. I didn't say anything at first because we had not dated long and I didn't think it was my place but once we started getting serious I knew we had to sit down and have a discussion. At first he agreed and said he would start disciplining them more and that we would work together on it. This didn't last long and he was back to his old ways. After like the third discussion I knew that if he wasen't going to make and effort then I had to make a tough decision. I finally sat him down and told him that even though I loved him that I couldn't handle the way these boys were being raised and that I knew later down the road it would just get worse since he wasen't willing to do anything about it. I ended that day. It was hard but I knew it was the right thing to do.

I think I am just realizing that the relationship is over.... May be better for my weight loss journey

What's that saying, its okay to have baggage in a relationship... as long as it matches?

I really feel for you, I hope you hold onto this kernel of truth you've come to and use it to propel you on to infinite happiness and joy!!

*hugs*

Rebecca

A 19 year old that smokes pot but does not work? Where is he getting the pot? I'd say if he can't be respectful and pull his own weight, he needs to be pushed out of his cushy, enabling nest! It is not a good thing for a 14 year old to see the way he acts! He will think that it's normal to be a deadbeat and to use foul language and be disrespectful to his elders! He is doing something illegal in your home. If it were me, I would give him a choice of either behaving the way you expect him to or going out on his own. As long as you tolerate his horrible behavior, he won't change and he won't leave. He has it too easy!! You can also call the police. That is extreme, but if someone else calls the police first, you could lose your son. You are allowing him to be exposed to an illegal activity. Tough love is hard, but you have to make his father see the reality of the situation. Good luck!