Do you remember your first kiss?

1996 - I changed his name to my teddy bear's name cause well... its his business too.

We were sitting in pitch black in his pickup. It was almost midnight. Summertime in Louisiana. He was wearing a tight black t-shirt and most of his jaw-length hair was tied back out of his eyes. I loved the space between his nose and his top lip. I always focused my eyes there when I felt too naked to look him in the eyes. I felt love. It was tangible and strong. I felt whole.

I smelled the leather of the seats, I smelled his cologne and his sweat and his cigarette, dangling lazily from his fingertips on the steering wheel. I smelled the wilting flower behind my ear; a weed like a daisy. The radio was quietly playing Glycerine, by BUSH. I remembered every word and sang them to myself. My long legs awkwardly turned toward him, one knee pulled up on the seat. I was nervous and that was unusual when we were together.

I picked at the frayed edges of the picnic blanket on the seat between us. It had been an amazing day, spent lying in the sunshine together, the sun baking us. We'd passed the wine bottle back and forth and our laughter echoed through the sun-faded field.

It was strange to spend hours wrestling with someone as kids and now finding yourself a little too aware of any physical contact and what it might mean. There was a thrill in it. I found myself holding my breath when I was at the center of his attention. I noticed myself looking at him differently, feeling that undeniable attraction. He was still himself but there was a different side of our friendship trying hard to solidify at this very moment. I'd never felt this way before. Never. I was helpless against him. Helpless, innocent and truly happy.

His head laid back lazily against the headrest and his eyes bored into mine. Green; green and so intense. He had a way of pulling me closer without touching me or saying anything. To anyone on the outside, we looked like the eternal bad boy and the innocent small town girl. The wolf and the lamb. I sat there beside him in the dark cabin of his truck. I looked up and met his stare with an indulgent and patronizing white flag. This was always a game to him. Who had the integrity to stop themselves from looking away first? Who was comfortable enough to bare their soul to someone else without distraction? He knew he would never break first, but I faced him anyway so I could watch him bare his soul to me. He laughed at my pitiful resignation.

“You never take me serious, babe.”

“I do. I've just gotten used to it. That's the only way you look at me, anymore. It's when you don't look, that I worry.”

It was so good to see him like this, with perfect calm on his face. Though he'd just graduated in spring, I still had two years left, so we were enjoying our time in the summer together as much as possible before I had to go back to school. Before he would start working at the mechanic shop. I didn't want to think about the end of summer rapidly approaching. He'd been playful and happy all day long. He leaned just a fraction of an inch closer. The laughter was gone and only a smirk was there, now. Barely noticeable. Arrogant. He looked right into me. I never felt more exposed than when he was looking at me and saying nothing. He wasn't judging you when he stared me down like this, it was just the only way he could ever communicate what he was feeling.

He reached down and pulled my ankles up over his knee. I settled down further in my seat and he mimicked me, sliding down further in his. We were leaning against the doors facing each other, now. He held my flip-flop hostage while sticking his boots up near my nose. I laughed and shoved him away, lunged at my shoe- which he was now dangling out the window behind him. I yanked off one of his boots and tossed it out the back window and into the bed of the truck. But he never changed the look on his face. Calm, intrigued and always arrogant. Catching me by my braid when I tried to crawl over him to reach out the window, he pushed me back against my door, holding me there with his bootless foot against my ribs. He held up a finger telling me to stay on my side of the truck. He crossed his arms and settled back down. I covered my mouth so I wouldn't laugh, but he started wiggling his toes against my stomach, tickling me.

“Woman. Would you sit still and listen to me for a minute? Damn.” He winked at me and then did something he'd never done before. He pulled me back over to him, sitting me in his lap, his right thumb rubbing gently back forth behind my elbow. It caught me by surprise to be in his lap with his arms closing around me. My heart was fluttering in my chest like the sound of a hummingbird through a bullhorn. He was warm and I wanted to wrap myself completely in him. He'd never held me like this before. My body loved him as much as my heart and my mind. I realized I loved him. I mean, I always knew I loved him, but I was in love with him, too. I knew it at that moment. There would never be anyone for me but Max. I did my best to put on my serious face and let him have his moment. But I felt like I was falling, and fast.

His eyes were warm tonight. Soft. Thoughtful. Less cocky than normal. My face always reflected what I could find when he stared at me so he was pleased when I smiled back. I knew he was showing me that he loved me. That was the only way Max felt he could tell me something honestly; by feeling it hard enough that I could see it. My heart exploded in my chest.

Then his eyes got darker and his smile changed. I couldn't read his eyes anymore.

“What?” I stared back at him, unsure of what I saw; he looked down at my hair, twisting the long braid over my shoulder. We were so close, and the heat in the truck just intensified everything that was making my insides shiver.

“You know what.”

It was a statement, not a question. His fingertips deliberately twirled the tip of my hair in circles. It set me shivering, again. I heard him singing along with the radio quietly. I thought I was going to spontaneously combust.

His voice was almost a whisper but he emphasized certain random lyrics that he felt deserved his attention at the moment. He was never in a hurry when we were together. He was perfectly content to lose himself in his own mind while he held me. The cicadas were humming and crickets chirped in the field behind us. His headlights lit up the forest tunnel of the dusty country back road. Old wooden fences, coated by years of mold and moss and mud blended with the forest behind them. My young heart was now thunder in my chest. The day's sunburn and the darkness surrounding us hid the deep blush on my face. The air was thick with moisture and my hair was clinging to my neck and forehead. I could taste the sheen of sweat on my skin when I bit my top lip.

When he looked at me again, his eyes were full of fire and then his mouth was on mine.

My first kiss. It carried me away in a blaze. It was urgent and wild. I felt it.

sigh.... you should hear me reminisce about losing my virginity...