what to do when cals in vs cals out doesn't work? (long)

I don't suppose that there's any chance of getting people to recognise that talking about this woman in the third person as if she were a pet project, and object to be poked and prodded is a teensy bit inappropriate?

Nah. Let's just carry on talking about her, and what's best for her, and what she might be thinking and feeling.... in her absence.

1. Are you 150% sure her TDEE is correct? How do you know this?
2. When was the last time she had her thyroid checked?
3. Is she tracking ALL her food ALL the time?
4. How much is she currently eating per day?
5. What is her exact exercise program?
6. Does she have any other medical issues?

1) TDEE is as reasonable an estimate as we can get. Calculators/estimators, HRM for workouts, BodyFit Media, etc.
2) She had a full blood workup, including thyroid roughly a year ago - everything came back normal
3) In stretches she is. She'll be good for a week, not see any results, get frustrated and throw in the towel for a week. Then the cycle restarts
4) ~1400 cals
5) compound lifts 2-3 days a week, cardio 2-3 days a week
6) no known medical issues

From what I understand, every time you two have tried something new you've only stuck with it for 5-10 days. That could be your problem! Your girlfriend is barely overweight so she's not going to get those 7lb first-week losses bigger people get.

Only thing is, there isn't much research that would support it as a long term appetite suppressing solution. Eating excessive amounts of food will of course raise leptin, because you are theorectically going to be eating past the point of satiation. However, the hormone will be processed out of the system relatively quickly, especially in individuals with lesser body fat (and therefore less room to store excess)

I always say to each their own, I just have an issue with how many terms get crossed in the dieting world when they originated in other realms of science.. Well, sort of "other" just meaning here on MFP, you could regard it as a pop-diet, whereas the origins of the terms were for clinical conditions.

However well meant, the original post does come across to me as being controlling.

You may think you're helping your girlfriend by not 'leaving her to her own devices' - poptarts and all - but in reality you're not doing either of you, or your relationship, any good.

Getting this far into the business of another competent adult is not healthy or appropriate. My recommendation? Take care of your own stuff and let your girlfriend take care of hers. Otherwise you'll both be unhappy.

I love how everyone assumes that she is too insecure and unassertive to stand up for herself. How condescending and sexist. Is it possible that she wants to be fit, but is frustrated at her lack of results, and feels like it is just not possible to do? I know a lot of people who feel that way sometimes, and having a friend or loved one help them past that seems like a good thing. But what do I know, I guess it really means that he is a controlling psychopath who hates her? I guess "getting in the business of another competent adult" means that people in a relationship should not try to help each other out when they need it? Seriously? *scratches head*

I think one of the primary things you could do to benefit both her AND your relationship is to electively remove yourself as her trainer, and let her work with the professionals she wants to work with, when she's ready to do so.

I personally HATE it when someone that I want to have love me for who I am takes an active role in monitoring and guiding my diet and fitness. it's not about whether or not they know what they are talking about. It's about causing undue stress that will sabotage your goals because you'll go back and forth between feeling like you are a failure in their eyes, and wondering why they want you to change so badly.

This sounds like the relationship from hell to me and I'm not surprised in the least that she is frustrated, stressed, and ready to give up often.

If she has a nutritionist, why not defer to them, and encourage her to do what feels right and possibly work with a trainer at the gym instead of you? It could relieve a lot of underlying stress, and allow her to take accountability without putting pressure on your relationship.

I don't suppose that there's any chance of getting people to recognise that talking about this woman in the third person as if she were a pet project, and object to be poked and prodded is a teensy bit inappropriate?

Nah. Let's just carry on talking about her, and what's best for her, and what she might be thinking and feeling.... in her absence.

You are so annoying. You take things way too seriously. Nobody is trying to "poke or prod" at her, just giving advice based on the info he gave us. She's obviously in on this whole getting healthier thing, it isn't like he's sneaking diet pills into her drink. If I were having issues losing weight and my boyfriend posted this, I'd just be happy to get some advice.

Edit: To me, he is just acting as her personal trainer and also happens to be her boyfriend. Honestly, if he had changed the word "girlfriend" with "client" nobody would think twice about what he said.

And to add, 'refeeds' actually accomplish nothing from a biological standpoint. They are purely for psychological reasons.

It will actually boost leptin levels substantially, which is probably of less value to women (whose leptin levels are already several times higher than men's), but can make a big difference for men who have been on a caloric/carb deficit for a while, and/or are at very low body fat. OTOH a carb-refeed coupled with high fat intake can erase any progress very quickly. I think there is definitely value there, in addition to the psychological aspect. Timing (should be after weight training) and macro content (should be low-fat) are important though.

Just my 2c.

And to add, 'refeeds' actually accomplish nothing from a biological standpoint. They are purely for psychological reasons.

It will actually boost leptin levels substantially, which is probably of less value to women (whose leptin levels are already several times higher than men's), but can make a big difference for men who have been on a caloric/carb deficit for a while, and/or are at very low body fat. OTOH a carb-refeed coupled with high fat intake can erase any progress very quickly. I think there is definitely value there, in addition to the psychological aspect. Timing (should be after weight training) and macro content (should be low-fat) are important though.

Just my 2c.

Actually, the leptin reset theory has been debunked. The effect is purely psychological. UponThisRock talked about it a while back, with some study links.
http://www.myfitnesspal.com/topics/show/531579--spike-day-nonsense

Thanks for that, it is always nice to see people presenting well-researched information.
If Leptin levels remain elevator for ~24 hours, then if you refeed every other day, and carry a substantial deficit on non-refeed days, you should be able to maintain higher leptin levels while on a sustained weekly caloric deficit. Am I wrong?