Off topic but feeling sad Wedding cancelled

Some others have said this but I would find out what the issue is..... is it the wedding or is it being married? BIG difference between the two. I was wedding adverse. The thought of having a wedding would cause me to stress out so much. So we eloped to Vegas. I still stressed but it was something I could handle. But to be honest, I could care less is we were married but for a few legal reasons and tax benefits, it made sense.

If you have kids together, you need to have some legal documents drawn up if you aren't going to get married. You need wills, power of attorney, etc. You need legal documents to establish who gets the kids in case of emergency. You could run into some of the same legal issue that same sex couples run into so talk to a lawyer. Seriously, I would make sure you have every thing taken care in case something happens to either one of you. Morbid I know but you can't be too careful with kids.

If he is scared of commitment/marriage etc. then there are some bigger issues there. Either get counseling, get help, or get out. As much as all of it scared the crap out of me............... I loved my husband way too much not to marry him. There comes a point where not changing is scarier than changing. He obviously hasn't hit that point. I don't think you should give him an ultimatum but you need to give him a push. I'm sure you have told him how important this is to you but you have to make sure he hears you and understand. Make sure you are telling him the real reasons why this is important.... try not to put too much emotion into it. Just logically lay it all out for him in a very calm manner. That's what I need and then I need time to think about it.

I might help if you go to counseling first so you can understand what it is you want and how to approach him about it. Sometimes you need an impartial person to help you see what you can't see yourself.

And to quote Dr Phil (sort of) You have set it up this way. You have made it okay for him to stay with you and not get married. The situation you are in is because you have set it up that way!!! I tell you the first few times I heard him say that and explain that it was a real eye opener for me. His other favorite quote is "If Momma isn't happy, no body is happy!" Remember, you are Momma!

Also in some states, after so many years................. you are married, common law marriage. Again, this might be a good thing to talk to a lawyer about.

I have not been in you exact situation, sometime leaving might be best. Everyone deserves to be happy that inculdes you. At one point in my life a made a decsion to splitted my family as a single parent, to the point, I did become homless while going to school and working. I had to live in my car. But God does work in mysterious ways. People do come out of no where to help. This made me a stronger peron and show to take risk in order to move forward. The aftermath.......Im an RN, my family is back on track.....Im happier. Now, the man you with and invested so much time.....is not putting the same investment. Before you take that risk. See if there are true friends and family that can support you, find programs and legal help abut your bussiness that maybe if you can buy out so you have some money in you pocket. Belive in yourself that you will be it together. And understand that love dont pay the bills, and love, true love goes both ways. I sure the person that is paying games with you know he playing with the wrong woman, you will go through hell. When the smoke is clear you will have a whole new respect for yourself and that he will do the same. Dont take that **** for no one. Wish you the best of happiness. Raina

Gosh I am sorry.

and I disagree with Brettpgh. Marriage is not just a big social event for women. Maybe that's what it means to him but to most of us it is a lot more than being princess for a day. I'm sure that's not all it is to you. I'm sorry you are having these troubles but he definitely has commitment issues and for him to blame you just means he doesn't want to deal with his issues. If you can get him to couples counseling that would be great. Good luck.

THIS!

I feel pretty much how you do sandown. We've been together 5 years and have planned our wedding twice. The first time we cancelled because I was pregnant, that was fine and it was a mutual decision. The second time we planned for was 17th of May just gone but he walked out last September saying he wasn't happy. He came back after a week begging forgiveness but we didn't get back together until Christmas. We have two kids (one is my son from a previous relationship) and it's very important for me to be married. I want the security and I want us to stand up in front of everyone and say we love each other. Sound silly, but after our temporary break it's especially important to me. He's now talking about us having another baby and I've told him that under no circumstances will I have another child until we're married. The problem now is money, he was let go from his job a couple of months ago and took another one for far less pay, so we really can't afford a wedding. I'd love to just go to a registery office and do it, but he won't.

I wrote all that just so you know you're not alone in your feelings. Last Thursday (17th May) killed me, I was in tears half of the day. Has your partner got money worries he hasn't told you about maybe? Would that be the reason for cold feet?

(((hugs)))

Something inside me is shouting right now "DON'T EVEN COMMENT!"

But I can't resist. Plus, you asked for advise it seems.

"If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always got"

If you don't change the situation, which after 9 yrs you've never done! You're either going to have to change your expectations and forget about marriage or move on. PERIOD.

Obviously from your post your not going anywhere so PUT UP AND SHUT UP.

Why do ppl constantly air their dirty laudry and ask for advice online? The person you should be dealing with your relationship with is the other half of your relationship.

I didn't read all of the responses, but I wouldn't leave him just because he doesn't want to get married. It's more to life that a marriage certificate. I have been with my boyfriend for 7 years and and in the beginning I wanted to get married but as time went on I realized I didn't want to. The relationship is fine as it is. We love each other have 2 kids together are together 24/7 and are happy. We don't need a certificate to show that we are committed to each other.

Marriage isn't meant for everybody. But this is your choice, if marriage is important to you then find someone who wants to get married, but if it isnt' as important just be thankful for the relationship and family that you have.

I totally feel for you and your daughter. I know it hurts but think about how it is affecting your daughter. How she is seeing you go through this and how she is seeing how a woman is being treated. She will take away how to deal with relationships from her parents. For her sake I think separating would be a good (I know very hard) thing to do. You two need to be healthy not only in body but in mind.

I hope whatever you end up doing you and your daughter are happy and healthy.

Call me crazy... I sorta think that you had expectations from him and he should've known that. You've made it loud and clear.

Now he seems awfully nonchalant about wedding stuff, but have you told him when/where he needs to be? Some guys don't understand the demands of a wedding. For those guys, they're probably like "Why not go to the courthouse and get it done!? or even better, VEGAS!" If he has this kind of expectation for a wedding, then maybe you should've let him know what he needs to do. He's probably not a mind reader. He might be willing to move mountains for you but you've gotta tell him which mountain you want moved.

I don't really know your situation or his mindset. But I do know that kicking the man to the curb is the answer. You guys just sound like you need to work on your communications.

I feel for your situation, and for you. Relationships are hard and only you have the answers. But here are a few questions that you could think about.

Do you want to be married, or do you want a wedding? Two entirely different things, and people get them confused sometimes. Do you want to be married, or do you want to be married to him? Does he not want to be married, or does he not want a wedding? And if it's marriage he is resisting, does he not want to be married, or does he not want to be married to you?

What you have to decide is, do you love him or just the idea of being married? Does he love you, or just the idea of having someone around? Do you have fun together? Do you talk and laugh and share your ideas, plans and dreams? Are things good other than this? Other than the license, are you content? Can you live with exactly who he is now?

Wanting to be married is a legitimate desire, and it is possible that if you were to allow yourself to be free, you might find someone who not only wants to be married, but wants to be married to you, and shares your goals and dreams. You and your boyfriend both should have what you want, but you might have to accept that you can't have it together. Or maybe you can. Ask him some questions and see if you can discover how much your happiness means to him and on what things he might be willing to compromise.

Out of curiosity, why is getting married so important to you? (Which I will understand, that's what I want as well, even though some of my friends say "oh it's just a piece of paper").

My other question, aside from this marriage thing, are you really happy in the relationship?

Excellent question!!

To me it proper commitment , happy other than this yes
He even said us being married is the final part we will be complete a proper family then in a flash he bolts and changes his mind saying he doesn't want to get married so I cancel
It and he's like 'WHAT' then I say you said so he said yes but it's your fault
He doesn't do 'talking' communication isn't a string point where as I am
Very open to solving things if there's a tiff he'll stonewall & sulk I talk ha so that's why it's my fault he doesn't want to talk through things?

I just realized that this is the same man that didn't want you leaving the house 2x a week to do a zumba class. You need to do something about this relationship. it's actually scarey how controlling and manipulative he seems to be!

I think some therapy is an excellent idea however, I get the feeling that he will not agree to it. Perhaps you should go to a few sessions alone and find out where you are at. In the end you have to be happy with your life. It is important to have supportive people around you. Therapy will also give you some coping skills for many of life's tricky situations.

If it is expenses that he doesn't want to get into then a quick trip to Reno or Vegas would be fun. If it isn't then you have to ask yourself what more you want out of the relationship or if you can be satisfied with where you are at. Best of luck!

Thanks for all your replies I've read them all bu as said only he knows why and he won't truly say
Lpoking deeper into this he doesn't like me going out alone ie Zumba or coffee with my mum
And btw the poster who said I called him a bad man I never have?

He seems insecure and I suppose he maybe thinking I'll leave him and he'll lose X amount if divorced ?

He was cheated on by his first love and she left him he was very very low and since then he has commitment issues

I will not comfort eat I will plan a future but I will explain to him how much he's hurt me again, he'll reply it's my fault keep on

x

You guys are together 24x7 and he has a problem you going to Zumba twice a week or having coffee with your mom? He's got issues if he doesn't like you to leave his side for a minute and marriage won't solve that. Sounds like trust issues after what his ex did but again those are his issues not yours and he needs to deal with them.

Be careful that you don't end up isolating yourself out of guilt or to avoid upsetting him. If he refuses to do counseling you should try going by yourself. He/She may be able to help you determine what's best for you.

I agree 100% with Karins4. Well said.

you have to respect his position.
I don't want to get married EVER , and will never ever marry my partner , the father of my children. WE've been together for 15 years and there is no way I'll marry him .