Off topic but feeling sad Wedding cancelled

I was married 16 years with my ex 10 married but his drinking became awful I left.

To me it's commitment it shows me he truly loves me , he's has a lot of relationships before me most got to 3 months then he'd end them then there was a 4 year one which was open then an 18 month one for sex his admissions

I wanted to go to registry office were in uk and have 2 witnesses he banged in about a church etc

He says he always wanted to be married but I've had every excuse he can give not too
Too busy. Money . Work. Time.
Then he seemed all keen to go ahead vicar meet us church booked and you know something isn't right with someone they avoid the issue , our problems are he said I neglect him meaning we don't have sex 15 times a week anymore
With 3 children a new business his mum has cancer I am seeing that as another excuse.

Tmi sorry but that's the latest reason

Hes rejected me....... Saying this again and lots knew our wedding date has left me really upset.

I'd like to stay with him but I'm so upset angry that if he's telling me he always wanted to get married but then changed his mind again it's not me who's the one

His parents have been married 57 years his brothers been married 19 years

A piece of paper does not show love...actions do. If you honestly think a piece of paper will show you that he loves you I think you many need to take a look at yourself and go for some councilling on your own.

My husband and I legally hitched this morning. We filled out the application online (well I did) the night before, walked in, waited in line, paid the 89$ fee and married in their little chapel. It took a half hour. It was cheap, easy, and you can even pay ten bucks for a picture.
He doesn't actually want to get married. If you really need and want a marriage to feel committed to someone, then you chose the wrong man.

My husband and I legally hitched this morning. We filled out the application online (well I did) the night before, walked in, waited in line, paid the 89$ fee and married in their little chapel. It took a half hour. It was cheap, easy, and you can even pay ten bucks for a picture.
He doesn't actually want to get married. If you really need and want a marriage to feel committed to someone, then you chose the wrong man.

And you have meet & spoken to him ?
Why did you had to marry in haste?Have you been together long?

You see thus was a post asking for people who had experienced the same ..........

Fine you want similar experiences? But you also stated you don't want opinions from people younger then you so I guess that counts me out.

I'm 29, my boyfriend will be 30 tomorrow. We have been together for 12 years. Yep that's 12, 3 more years then your situation. We have 2 children, yep that's 1 more child then you have. Does my being younger still matter now?

At the beginning he wasn't against getting married (when I was going into the military) when that fell through he wasn't into it anymore. Over the years I have heard just about every excuse there is in the world of why he doesn't want to get married. My weight (I weighed 115 when we met now I'm 242 after 2 kids and 10 years), I argued too much and was too B***y, for a while it was mutual because we were both in school and our financial aid worked better not being married, once he said he felt like he would be trapped and more likely to cheat if we were married, he has said I have no drive, he has said that marriage itself doesn't matter so why bother, he has said things are fine the way they are and there is no point in getting a piece of paper, he has said that he has seen guys he works with go through horrible divorces where the mean horrible ex-wives take everything that they own and get spousal and child support to boot and then ask for more, etc etc. We are high school sweet hearts. Met junior year been together ever since. Never had any major problems or difficulties.

Our relationship has lasted longer then most of our friends that have gotten married and divorced. I used to want to get married for the idea of getting married. I have wanted to get married because if we have been together this long then why not, what would it hurt? Then I just wanted to get married because it didn't feel right having kids and not being married. Now the only emotional thing that hurts because we are not married is because I let him give the children his last name, so being in a highly populated religious Mormon state (Utah) I get a lot of looks from school officials and parents of kids classmates when they realize I have a different last name, but ultimately that doesn't really matter either. The only reason getting married is important to me now is for legal reasons. We live a whole country almost away from our families. If something happens to one of us then we have no say over what happens to the other. I have been a stay at home mom since our youngest was born so the kids and I would be up the creek without a paddle if he ever on a whim decided to leave us, which I doubt he will do. Besides that the biggest problem is health insurance. He gets it, our kids are on it. His company even lets domestic partners get health insurance IF they are same sex couples. So gay people get health insurance but the non-gay couple that has been together 12 years and has 2 kids, too bad. He works for an airline and they even give me free flights like him and the children get but no health insurance.

A couple of years ago he the company had difficulties so to get a full time job before his old company completely shut down he moved to Utah for full time. It was almost a year before we had enough money to get the kids and I out here. I moved 2400 miles away from my family so that we could be together and he could be with the kids, but he still won't get married. He is good to the kids, he is good to me.

Here are some differences with our situations though. My boyfriend isn't controlling. I can do whatever I want, workout when I want or go wherever I want. When I was staying at home with the kids he would make snide remarks about how he made all the money and it was his but he never told me I couldn't buy anything that was needed or wanted (I don't buy anything that is not needed anyways, I am very frugal)

I am not naive though. I watch my back and prepare for the worst. We are happy and get along great but you never know when or if that will change, it happens to people who are married too. I do know from research that if he left me and the kids that I will get child support, and since I stay at home mostly (I deliver pizza a few nights a week) I can even get spousal support, even though we aren't married. Apparently, the sexist state of Utah appreciates its mothers that stay at home where they belong and don't work. I also know that since we aren't married I can legally take the kids back to Florida where my family is at and he can't do anything about it because we aren't married. Funny how marriage would be protection for him too, isn't it?

The point of me telling you my story, which I didn't really want to because of your negativity towards other peoples opinions so far is because you said no one has the same experience as you, and I do bottom line. The point is the main difference between my situation and yours is that he knows I won't leave for someone else as long as the kids are young because I have step father issues and would never subject my children to even the slimmest possibility of an abusive step father. Because of this knowledge he doesn't have to say he will get married and then change his mind when it gets close. You on the other hand have left before and threatened to leave if he doesn't marry you which in his mind makes it necessary to agree to marriage and then back out when he gets the opportunity to.

You said that he remarked annoyance at the wedding plans that you kept telling to him and asking him about. You then said you cancelled the plans because of that and he asked you why. If you had left the plans be and just stopped asking him about his opinions on each part of the wedding would he still be going through with it? Is your moodiness and whim to cancel all the plans at something he said in an argument one time your fault? And then he said it was your fault that he got mad and you cancelled the plans in the first place! It kind of is your fault. You took one disagreement or sign of annoyance from him and got mad and cancelled all the plans. Maybe he thinks YOU don't really want to go through with it, if he really is all for marriage like you say. If he isn't really all for marriage and is just saying he is then he is just doing it because he knows that's what will keep you around longer. I am just saying it is a possibility. Because you said that he is insecure and sensitive. So if in the heat of the moment he said something and then you went and cancelled everything because of something he said then it is kind of your fault for pushing it to that. Did he actually tell you cancel everything I don't want to get married?

A marriage is a partnership, in which you live together and, in some cases, raise a family. You're already doing that.

I still don't understand why you want to have a ceremony to prove it.

Having said that, if you want this and he won't give it to you, and that is more important than what you have, you should leave.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

Seriously - Marriage isn't great, particularly for a guy - see the below which is blunt but true.

http://makeshiftalpha.com/2012/05/15/reasons-not-to-get-married/


Oh, and you've posted this up here for people to offer their opinions on. Don't get uptight when people tell you what they think.

If you think they are wrong, then offer them the reason for you thinking that in a respectful manner, without the childish comments such as -

He doesn't actually want to get married. If you really need and want a marriage to feel committed to someone, then you chose the wrong man.

And you have meet & spoken to him ?

because for the record, from the information we have, I have to say I share her opinion, and a lot of people on here seem to also.

Let me first start by saying I understand how you feel. You've given your heart to this guy for 9 years and in your mind the least he could do is marry you. But you see he is hesitant and that you two have been engaged 4 times. So it looks like he has no plan of actually walking down the aisle or getting papers. In fact it seems he may keep proposing engagement to "shut you up".

Also if you started a business with this man and it is successful. There is no way you will be jobless or homeless because half of that business is yours.

If I were you, and considered leaving. I would put all my ducks in a row. Meaning opening an account by myself and saving money. Once I have enough money, I would ask him one more time, " Marry me or I'm gone" and when he doesn't follow through I'd leave.

Life is entirely too short to waste it on someone who wont commit.

As my mother always said " A man will do what he wants to do and nothing else"

If you ask for advice, you have to be ready for people to give it, even if it goes against what you want to believe. This is an open forum for debate and discussion so if you didn't want people to post their opinion then you came to the wrong spot I'm afraid.

Oh chris, you must have thought this was a thread where the op really wanted advice. You're adorable. We could all probably stand to be more supportive of martyrdom & codependency.

I know, what was I thinking? I'll learn soon enough I'm sure...smack my wrists and all that..

I mean, can you imagine trying to help someone?! I must be a real douche...

If you ask for advice, you have to be ready for people to give it, even if it goes against what you want to believe. This is an open forum for debate and discussion so if you didn't want people to post their opinion then you came to the wrong spot I'm afraid.

Oh chris, you must have thought this was a thread where the op really wanted advice. You're adorable. We could all probably stand to be more supportive of martyrdom & codependency.

I didn't need advice off people who haven't experienced this
Only those who have experienced this can give real advice
Adorable Chris? I looked at his plenty of 'advice' of many many posts and it was his opinion not advice
big difference
I expect you'll need to have another say ......

Ok first, this is a public forum - you can't control who posts and offers advice. Also bear in mind that those who are offering advice don't owe you anything, they are doing it to be nice (in the most part) to try and help. If you don't agree, then that's cool but don't throw it back in their face, that's just rude..

Secondly, how do you know what I have and have not experienced?

I've been extremely polite with you and tried to offer advice but seriously, screw you. You are rude and obnoxious and this isn't the first post you've made where you've been like this.

Oh, and for the record - people do give ADVICE based on their OPINION.

She is just bitter because she isn't hearing what she wants to hear. From the very first post until now she had done nothing but get defensive. She is being rude...and she wonders why she still isn't married.. with an attitude like that, no one would want to marry her.

I have experienced this. I was with my ex for 9 years and engaged for 5 of those years. I finally took off the ring because I got tired of people asking when I was getting married and he kept on coming up with excuses on why we couldn't get married.

Last summer I had finally had enough and moved out with no plan and wound up living in a hotel for about a week while I found a new place.

Fast foward to almost a year later, I met the love of my life shortly after I moved out. I'm happier than I've ever been in my entire life, I'm not stressed anymore and I don't stress eat anymore.

You can get all the advice you ask for, but you have to make the decision that is right for you.

Maybe he just doesn't like planning it. From what I understand - guys could care less... it's the woman's fairy tale - so enlist a brides maid or maid of honor to help you plan it... and just tell him where to pick up his tux and what time to be at the church.

Men are fickle creatures!

this is what i did to my husband...married 6 years as of yesterday...together 10. he says it was the best decision i ever made for him...lol

LOL same here! I said just show up and smile! And we had a great night.

To all those people who say "it's just a piece of paper" : marriage means a lot to some people for a bunch of different reasons, so don't downplay it just because you chose not to do it. I find that so annoying!