Booty Perfume

May I present to you.....a guide.


"We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brew down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work. Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure.

ESCAPEE
Definition: a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with ESCAPEE)
Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH
Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME
Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER
Definition: A colleague who poops at work and damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN)
Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS
Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR
Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH
Definition: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE
Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON
Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET
Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TED
Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

FLY BY
Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom."

Oh, I've got a public restroom story that will make your blood curdle....well, that might be a SLIGHT exaggeration, but it might make you gag a little. I won't share it, though, unless someone reeeeeaaaallly wants me to. :huh:

The thing that grosses me out the most is Booty Confetti left in the toilet or on the seat. Apparently there's a dude in my gym that has some serious problems right before I get to the locker room. It looks like a paintball match went down in there.

Indeed.... I work in a medical facility... which means... many doctors... nurses...etc...and I know patients also sometimes use the private loos... but... 90% of the time... it is other employees. So gross!

There's a woman who comes to my building just to use the bathroom...and leaves her nasty *kitten* streaks all over the toilet.

Next time you see her say "good luck!" When she says "excuse me?!" Tell her, "you always leave skid marks all over the bathroom, I just assume you're racing someone!" lol!

My co-worker once passed the girl on her way into the bathroom and said, "Gotta go?"

She left the most streaks that day. :ohwell:

This has to be the funniest thread ever... Did anyone ever figure out if they make brown paint balls?

There's a product called "One Drop" that completely eliminates the doo-doo stench....BUY IT!!

LOLOL!!! OMGOOOOOOSH! I'm LOVIN' this thread!!!! Ha ha haaaaaa!

The thing that grosses me out the most is Booty Confetti left in the toilet or on the seat. Apparently there's a dude in my gym that has some serious problems right before I get to the locker room. It looks like a paintball match went down in there.

OMG This made me LOL for real!!!!!

They actually have stuff that you spray into the toilet on the water before pooping and it's meant to eliminate that "perfume." I've seen it in Hallmark stores but there's all kinds of the stuff if you look it up.

I don't even let the smell linger in my own bathroom, I keep matches in the drawer below the sink. Strike it, blow it out. Sure it leaves that nasty used match smell but it's better than what it's covering up! But for public restrooms if I have to do that I will find an air freshener can.

Though really better it just be the smell. I had bathroom cleaning duty my second day working at a cafe and in the men's restroom, someone had done their business on the floor and left it. Then there's the neighbor kid that goes swimming in my Aunt's pool whenever my little cousin's over. He'll leave everything in the toilet with no sign that he wiped himself, and he's old enough to.

There's a product called "One Drop" that completely eliminates the doo-doo stench....BUY IT!!

Hahaha!! What's the catch phrase for that product? "One Drop for your plop!"

This is why I love working from home...never have to deal with this!

But when I worked in an office, I would get SO mad when someone would use the public bathroom instead of the private ones. I worked in a small office though, so it was easy to determine who was the guilty party by the shoes they were wearing...shooting them that "I know what you did in there and it was NOT cool" look and getting the guilty nervous look in return was classic.

So then you'd complain about them using the private ones too right?

There's a product called "One Drop" that completely eliminates the doo-doo stench....BUY IT!!

Hahaha!! What's the catch phrase for that product? "One Drop for your plop!"

I don't know, but I am officially on a mission now. I WILL write the next "One Drop" jingle. I just need Justin Bieber to sing it and Earth Wind and Fire to be the band. It's a can't miss venture.

:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :flowerforyou:

Oh, I've got a public restroom story that will make your blood curdle....well, that might be a SLIGHT exaggeration, but it might make you gag a little. I won't share it, though, unless someone reeeeeaaaallly wants me to. :huh:

Yes, I'm dying to know!

Well, okay, if you insist. Here goes, but, be warned, it's a lengthy one:

I used to work at a certain closeout store that shall remain nameless, but whose logo colors are orange and black. Anyway, one of my duties, on occasion, was to clean the ladies’ bathroom. ...There were three working stalls and one that was permanently out of order. I had cleaned the first two stalls and was working on the third, when a rather portly, middle-aged woman, who carried most of her weight in her legs and rear, waddled into the bathroom. There was a sense of urgency in her stride that indicated to me that it was gonna be baaaaad. She saw the cleaning supplies in my hands and looked at me quizzically, so I said, “The first two are clean, but I’m still working on this one.” She went into the first stall, sat down, and let out the loudest fart I’ve ever heard in my life! I was like, “Okay! That’s my cue to get the heck out of Dodge!” So, I left the bathroom and went to find another task to work on while she was doin’ her thing. About fifteen minutes later I heard this over the store’s intercom, “Jessica, please come to the back room!” I was like, “Ooohhhh! Noooooo! If they’re paging me, it must be worse than I expected.” Let me tell you, this woman must have eaten at an all you can eat buffet, then took a bunch of laxatives before she came in to shop. It was NAAAAASTY! It was sprayed all over the toilet, on the wall behind the toilet, on the walls of the stall…. And, apparently, she felt the need to use the second stall because it was all over that one, too. I literally had to spray everything down with bleach, then hose it off with a garden hose and into the drain in the middle of the floor. I used every PPE (Personal Protective Equipment) we had in the store…would’ve used a HAZMAT suit, too, if we’d had one. Just when I thought I had it all cleaned up, I looked on the back of the door of stall number one and what did I see? A HUGE brown butt print. Apparently, she turned around to flush, and accidentally pressed her naked booty against the door. SOOOO GROSS!!! Then, get this, after making that mess, SHE STAYED IN THE STORE TO SHOP!!!! I told the manager, “I would have been so mortified after doing that, I wouldn’t have been able to get out of the store fast enough. What in the world could have been so important that she had to stick around to shop after that?!” He said, with a twinkle in his eye, “Immodium.”

ROTFLMMFAO!!!!!!!!!! :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

OMG!! bless your heart for having to clean that up!!! I'm sorry, I just laughed so hard at this!!

Oh, it's okay to laugh about it. The only good thing I get out of the whole ordeal is the laughs I get every time I tell the story. I even impressed a well-known NFL football player with this story...well, I don't know that "impressed" is the right word, but he definitely thought it was funny. LOL

I'm going to buy it on iTunes when it comes out!

It's going to be huge. It'll be part of the "Skanks and Stanks" soundtrack that'll drop in the fall. No pun intended

Baaaahahahahaha! I've gotta get me a pair of infrared glasses. Then I can totally nail the jerks in the grocery store who fart then quickly hightail it to the next aisle, leaving that nose hair singeing fog for me to cluelessly wander into.