How much family is too much family!
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My advice isn't going to be popular at all judging by the way the previous posts are going.
I am of the mind that you married this man knowing how close he was to his family. It doesn't really matter that you warned him you expected him to change once married - you still married him knowing how important his family relationships are to him. Because you knew before and still married him, I don't think you should expect him to cut them off.
Certain compromises I can agree with such as not talking on the phone in the room you are trying to sleep in - that is just plain rude and disrespectful. Otherwise, just deal with it. You don't have to go to all the family functions and you don't have to be their new best friend.
I agree with this. You should be glad his family is so important to him. The older I get, the more I understand how important family really is. I don't get along with everyone in my family and, frankly, some of them I don't even like very much but they're my family. I don't know what I'd do without them.
My husband comes from a family that is not very close. They call on birthdays. We get together with them every so often so the kids can see their grandparents but they aren't what you'd consider close-knit and I think its really unfortunate and so does my husband.0 -
I am recently married and am curious about how much family activity is too much family activity. My husband comes from a very close family. They talk on the phone several times a day and he likes to visit them several times a week. When they call he will take the call no matter what is going on-like me trying to sleep. He wants to spend every holiday with them and they celebrate their birthdays together.
A little weird.
You should split holidays - Christmas with your family, Easter with his, etc. Or Christmas Eve with his and Day with yours. It can't be all tipped to one side, and a couple shouldn't split up to celebrate holidays once they're married. And it is a little rude for him to answer the phone when you're sleeping. You could ask him to take it to the other room, or institute a "no cell phones after 9 pm" so you can have couple time.
ETA - There is nothing wrong with being close to your family. But no one needs to talk to their family multiple times a day. One call a day will suffice. One to two visits will suffice over the course of a week.0 -
My exboyfriends family was totally up each others *kitten* like that. I dont know how he could stand it. I dont blame you, you need boundaries and space. And your husband needs to respect that.0
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My advice isn't going to be popular at all judging by the way the previous posts are going.
I am of the mind that you married this man knowing how close he was to his family. It doesn't really matter that you warned him you expected him to change once married - you still married him knowing how important his family relationships are to him. Because you knew before and still married him, I don't think you should expect him to cut them off.
Certain compromises I can agree with such as not talking on the phone in the room you are trying to sleep in - that is just plain rude and disrespectful. Otherwise, just deal with it. You don't have to go to all the family functions and you don't have to be their new best friend.
Thanks for the advice. But what I said initially was that I didn't expect him to give up his family nor cut down on the visits. I don't believe in changing people. My issue is that after telling him I wasn't going to be involved with his family to the degree his is, he seems to have forgotten that and now want me to accompany him. I don't mind going to visit his family occasionally, but after working all week, I don't want to visit his family every weekend. I also think if rude to talk on the phone at 11:00 12:00 at night when someone is sleeping next to you.0 -
I agree with you girl. Tell him to get his furry butt out of bed and go to another room to talk. Anyone calling late at night, unless it's an emergency, is rude and disrespectful. I had an ex whose teenage children had friends calling at 1 and 2 o'clock in the morning and I had to get up at 4:30. Some people have to be made to understand boundries. When you're grown, having to talk to momma and daddy twice a day is an unhealthy relationship. As far as all the family get togethers, let him go without you some of the time. He might get tired of that.
I think some of those answering you overlooked the part about the two of you having an understanding BEFORE marriage and how he now chooses to forget that. If he doesn't put your wants and needs first now it will only get worse. You hear people talking about now that your married you have make sacrifices and do some compromising. How about hubby? Shouldn't he meet you half way?0 -
I think it's a matter of personal preference and you're entitled to feel the way that you do. Also, I feel like your feelings should be given more consideration because as his wife you are his main family now. Of course his other family is important, but sometimes you just need some space. Makes me think of the show Everybody Loves Raymond! lol0
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I'm jealous I always loved the family time but as time goes on people pass on..enjoy it now it won't last forever0
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My advice is meant slightly tongue in cheek, and will sound very flippant... ( but I'll explain )
As my husband told me : Suck it up, buttercup.
My husband talks to his mom at least twice a day. And his dad twice a day. ( 4 phone calls ) This includes answering the phone even if we're in sack. EVERY holiday, EVERY birthday is a family affair. We see them EVERY Sunday for an extended dinner ( hours upon hours... and they all speak in another language that I don't speak ). Twice a week, my husband goes over there to let in the day nurse to take care of his grandmother. At least 1 other day a week, he takes his mom out, or meets his dad somewhere, etc. etc.
Talk about suffocating. I cannot handle the 9 million phone calls. Sometimes I feel like his family is so overwhelming, I want to run away..............
Right up until our daughter had open heart surgery. They dropped EVERYTHING and took care of my son for five weeks while I stayed with her in the hospital. They visited every night and brought me a home cooked dinner. They canceled a vacation and took a $10,000 loss to be there for us when my daughter had brain surgery.
They babysit overnight EVERY Friday night... for all 3 kids.. I can count on them to step up and help whenever and however necessary.
The constant phone calls and visits etc are still totally overwhelming... but I suck it up so that we can have the help we love so much. No one I know has child care the way we have childcare. They put the down payment on our house. They bought us a car because we didn't have the credit to do it ourselves. It's worth it. You never know when that family is going to come in really handy.
This sounds like a great deal. Worth the compromise0 -
I wish I had advice, but all I can do is feel for you. That would drive my crazy.0
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I have a close knit family like that, but my husband does not. We have been together 20 years and have learned to compromise about it. He does not go to all of the family functions but does not discourage me from going either. He, however has some sick sense of family loyalty of supporting (financially his other family members), but when I put it in perspective that he has that same loyalty to me and our kids, it is a positive thing. I think it is all a matter of perspective, compromise and loving someone as they are without trying to change them. Of course it can't hurt setting some general rules like if we are in bed and you want to answer the phone please quietly leave the room and have the conversation where I am not having to be awakened for the whole conversation., or something to that effect.0
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What about a compromise?0
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My family is just like your husbands family. I have a huge family and there is always something going on. I talk to my mom and others in my family every day and answer their calls whenever they call. My husband comes from a small family and does not talk to or see them often. I'm lucky in the fact that he enjoys spending time with everyone and often is the first to think of inviting everyone over. It took him awhile to get used to the fact that when he said "Do you want to invite a few people over?" That often means between 20 to 30 people. I asked him out of curiosity when I read your post if it ever bothers him and his response was "your family is the way things should be" It means the world to me how he feels about everyone and how willing he always is to help them. I bet your new husband would appreciate it more than you can even imagine. You may even learn to enjoy the closeness.0
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Yeah, I would go bonkers with that too lol! Especially when you are newly married, when it's the time you should be spending the most time with your spouse. I'm all for family connections but I know right after we were married we went into hermit mode for a bit and focused on each other. Be open and honest as you can be with your husband and explain that you feel overwhelmed by it. Marriage is give and take- and your spouse definitely comes before extended family0
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If my family is within 1000 miles of where I live.. then it's too close.0
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I've been married 27 years on Wednesday... Want to know my secret? COMPROMISE. And never jump him with a fight when either one first walks in the door.
Make a date... turn off the phones... take his hands.. look deep into his eyes... "let's talk Baby!",,,
One of the best pieces of advice I got from my Daddy was:
"You are a married woman now. We love you and always will. We refuse to take sides and will not help in solving a fight. You took vows to love and honor. Those vows are forever. Instead of whining to us, go talk to your husband and fix whatever the problem is. He is a great, honorable man. That is why you married him. GO TALK TO YOUR HUSBAND."
It hasn't always been pretty, but here we are 27 years later... Still talking... did we work everything out? Heck no... We are still talking.
Good luck sweetie!!!0 -
I've been married 27 years on Wednesday... Want to know my secret? COMPROMISE. And never jump him with a fight when either one first walks in the door.
Make a date... turn off the phones... take his hands.. look deep into his eyes... "let's talk Baby!",,,
One of the best pieces of advice I got from my Daddy was:
"You are a married woman now. We love you and always will. We refuse to take sides and will not help in solving a fight. You took vows to love and honor. Those vows are forever. Instead of whining to us, go talk to your husband and fix whatever the problem is. He is a great, honorable man. That is why you married him. GO TALK TO YOUR HUSBAND."
It hasn't always been pretty, but here we are 27 years later... Still talking... did we work everything out? Heck no... We are still talking.
Good luck sweetie!!!0 -
I have to agree with this response: in my first marriage, family was all over the place, demanding choices and taking sides. This marriage is a contract between the two of you, not anyone else. Love him, respect him, and he will do the same for you. This comes from someone who's been married the better part of 40 years - some good, some not-so-good. But the good just keeps getting better as we learn even at this late date to communicate more efficiently..0
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Well, first of all you knew this before you married him . Accept it, because it won't change now. I think you can still come to a compromise that will make you bith happy. My husband's family has a very LNG standing tradition of celebrating Christmas eve; so even tough I had a tradition of going to midnight church service Christmas eve, I gave that up when we got together. Find a way to balance between you family events and his. Find the balance of how much and what events you can live with going to with his family and let him do the others without you. I also suggest that you form a group of friends that you do stuff with and balance that in as well. Successful marriages are all about compromising.
I absolutely agree with this. My boyfriend's family isn't as close as mine. We are definitely close. Visiting each several times a week and family dinner EVERY Sunday and I enjoy every minute of it. He doesn't understand it but knows its not going to change!0 -
Luckily my DW and I are both very close to our families. We spend the major holidays with both families splitting time between both and our family is large. Honestly I'd rather spend time with my cousins than friends since we can all be really goofy with no real judgment going on.
But if you're not into to lots of family, then don't go. I have cousin's that are married to people who aren't as family oriented and if they don't come we understand. It's not like our family revolves around them anyway.
A.C.E. Certified Personal/Group Fitness Trainer
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Been in fitness for 28+ years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition0 -
My advice isn't going to be popular at all judging by the way the previous posts are going.
I am of the mind that you married this man knowing how close he was to his family. It doesn't really matter that you warned him you expected him to change once married - you still married him knowing how important his family relationships are to him. Because you knew before and still married him, I don't think you should expect him to cut them off.
Certain compromises I can agree with such as not talking on the phone in the room you are trying to sleep in - that is just plain rude and disrespectful. Otherwise, just deal with it. You don't have to go to all the family functions and you don't have to be their new best friend.
I agree with this.
You took on his family as well as him when you married him.
It sounds as though there are a few specific issues you need to work out between you (ie. if their calls are waking you up, you need to discuss how he can take their calls without waking you) and whether you spend EVERY weekend/holiday/birthday with them. Maybe you need to sit down and make a list of the things that bug you (specific things) and ask him to talk about it rationally. If he has always been that way he's probably not going to change but the two of you need to find a way of making your own family that has room for his close connection to his parents etc but still allows you two to have a healthy relationship. The only way to do that is to talk about it.0
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