Real Question for Men!
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ilyahna
Posts: 96 Member
My boyfriend and I have been dating for over a year, and we live together. When we got together, I was about 60 pounds heavier, but have since worked that off. I still have about sixty pounds to go, and I am working on it, but in the meantime I've been dealing with a really draining issue.
My man admitted after a lot of fights over why we never have sex that he is "not really a sexual person, and has to work himself up to it," and is constantly "tired and stressed out over his work." He told me then that if I wanted things to improve, I should just accept that my physical appearance improving would help "make him more motivated" to over-come these things. He also says I drink too much (once a week) and that when I get drunk I turn into a different person and he doesn't want to be intimate with me for a while. This is probably fair, and I am working on that.
Part of me thinks this sounds fair, because I understand that men are visually oriented, and he really never has much of a sexual drive, and I think that's partly because he has PE issues (sorry if that's TMI) that he admits make the act unpleasurable for him (and probably emasculating). Some improvements have come along, surely, with his willingness being more frequent, but we go for long periods of time where he turns me down or ignores my suggestions, and then when I don't bother to satisfy his needs for a while, he will either ask for it, or lay little guilt trips down about how he hasn't been getting any attention. Only twice in a year of dating has he ever made a single effort to satisfy me, and when asked, he says: 'Finish losing your weight if you want me to more interested in that." Last night, when I told him this one-sidedness was messed up and that he had no right to ask me for something he wasn't willing to give, he said he didn't understand why that was a problem, and then said that that was partly my responsibility as a woman.
I am 5'8, 204 pounds, and no, I don't think I look good naked, and have no self confidence. So, is this fair of him? I fear answers that say: This guy is a loser, get out - because I don't want to. Most other aspects of our relationship are great, and he's a good person, but I don't know if I am being treated in a way that implies a man is just being honest where many men would simply think this and not say it, or if I'm deluding myself.
What do I do? Please be honest about how men really think!
My man admitted after a lot of fights over why we never have sex that he is "not really a sexual person, and has to work himself up to it," and is constantly "tired and stressed out over his work." He told me then that if I wanted things to improve, I should just accept that my physical appearance improving would help "make him more motivated" to over-come these things. He also says I drink too much (once a week) and that when I get drunk I turn into a different person and he doesn't want to be intimate with me for a while. This is probably fair, and I am working on that.
Part of me thinks this sounds fair, because I understand that men are visually oriented, and he really never has much of a sexual drive, and I think that's partly because he has PE issues (sorry if that's TMI) that he admits make the act unpleasurable for him (and probably emasculating). Some improvements have come along, surely, with his willingness being more frequent, but we go for long periods of time where he turns me down or ignores my suggestions, and then when I don't bother to satisfy his needs for a while, he will either ask for it, or lay little guilt trips down about how he hasn't been getting any attention. Only twice in a year of dating has he ever made a single effort to satisfy me, and when asked, he says: 'Finish losing your weight if you want me to more interested in that." Last night, when I told him this one-sidedness was messed up and that he had no right to ask me for something he wasn't willing to give, he said he didn't understand why that was a problem, and then said that that was partly my responsibility as a woman.
I am 5'8, 204 pounds, and no, I don't think I look good naked, and have no self confidence. So, is this fair of him? I fear answers that say: This guy is a loser, get out - because I don't want to. Most other aspects of our relationship are great, and he's a good person, but I don't know if I am being treated in a way that implies a man is just being honest where many men would simply think this and not say it, or if I'm deluding myself.
What do I do? Please be honest about how men really think!
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Replies
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He is probably "tired and stress out" at work because he isn't doing anything (wink wink) to relieve that stress.
Anyways, to be honest he sounds like kinda a *kitten* hole. He should be supporting you not putting you down with backhanded compliments.0 -
Nothing is partly your responsibility as a woman. End it, end it now. Or don't, it's your life, your choice. Personally I think you're worth more, nobody deserves to be treated like that. Cos the rest of your relationship must be fantastic if you put up with the 'lose the weight then I'll make a bit of an effort'. He'll just find another excuse.
And I know I'm not a man, but still ...0 -
If you were 60 pounds heavier when you met - his proclaiming that you should get the weight off and then he will consider satisfying your needs is bull!
Keep working on you, satisfy yourself (http://en.lelo.com/index.php?collectionName=femme-homme&groupName=GIGI&page=0)
and drop him like a bad habit! One day you'll wake up and realize that you are worthy of unconditional love and acceptance and it's empowering to be alone until you find it!
In the meanwhile suggest he get some therapy of his own!0 -
Personally I wouldn't dream of saying anything like that to my wife or SO. As a partner, it is your job to make the person feel good about themselves. Some of these comments are just plain rude and un-called for.
I can't say I've ever had any PE issues, but as a guy I can understand why this would feed into his insecurities and as a consequence he may be transferring this to you through the form of personal attacks (about your weight etc). This, probably without him even consciously realising it, is his way of coping by offloading the guilt.
This is where the personality differences come into it. If I were in that position I'd be likely to make sure my partner was 'satisfied' first, then any PE issues become less important.
To be honest I'm not sure what to suggest to you here, but in my opinion this behaviour, regardless of the underlying causes, is still not acceptable.0 -
Being part of an adult "couple" surely includes sexuality... along with both partners being compatible in terms of appetite and satisfaction in that department. If you are in love with each other, but it's not sexually satisfactory, perhaps this is more of a special - but platonic - friendship?
BTW - After a number of years of being together, I was no longer sexually interested in my ex - and that's surely one reason why we're no longer together.0 -
sorry to hear this i know im not a man but really him saying about ur weight carnt be true as he met u when u was bigger n if he didnt like ur size why did he start going out with u in first placce
he putting u down coz hes insurcure
if he carnt work it out in a nice way without making u feel this way then hes no good a real man would make u feel special n support you with weight loss n boost ur confidence
if he carnt do that then get rid n learn to love urself n get a man who truley respects u0 -
Personally I wouldn't dream of saying anything like that to my wife or SO. As a partner, it is your job to make the person feel good about themselves. Some of these comments are just plain rude and un-called for.
I can't say I've ever had any PE issues, but as a guy I can understand why this would feed into his insecurities and as a consequence he may be transferring this to you through the form of personal attacks (about your weight etc). This, probably without him even consciously realising it, is his way of coping by offloading the guilt.
This is where the personality differences come into it. If I were in that position I'd be likely to make sure my partner was 'satisfied' first, then any PE issues become less important.
To be honest I'm not sure what to suggest to you here, but in my opinion this behaviour, regardless of the underlying causes, is still not acceptable.
good answer mfp needs a LIKE button0 -
You think you have low self-esteem now? Imagine what it will be like in 5 years time if you're still with this man.0
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I ONLY give him props for being honest, but how superficial! However, if he's heavy himself or snores and gasps a lot, he may want to get a sleep study. I have severe sleep apnea and it can make you grumpy, irritable, extremely tired during the day, and can decrease libido. Not to mention all the other horrible things it does to your blood pressure, heart, blood sugar... etc.
It's a thought.
Otherwise, he sounds like jerk.0 -
NO excuse for his behavior! Hire someone to take him out and beat him like a government mule. Then change the locks. Work on being the best you that you can be. Maybe it won't be long until you actually meet a human male instead of something from the animal kingdom.
Tom
:-)0 -
He sounds like a winner. Keep him forever. He makes you happy, and you make him happy. What's there to discuss?0
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He sounds like a winner. Keep him forever. He makes you happy, and you make him happy. What's there to discuss?
Geez, you didn't tell us your boyfriend was also on this forum.
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Ok I know you asked for "men" to answer you question... but...
Yes sex for men is visual but for a man who truly loves his woman, no matter how skinny or overweight she is he will always feel attraction to that woman. For men sex is a thing of love, it is that moment in which he and his love are connected as one - I mean please please correct me if I am wrong (all you men out there) - for a man if a woman doesn't wanna have sex then there is lack of love.
His issues go far beyond your weight and appearance... stress = BS, just saying... just tell him that sex is the best stress and pain reliever out there (research it, it is true)...
As another person said, if you have self-confidence issues now just wait how bad it will become if you continue accepting this.0 -
Do you want to be chained to this guy once you reach your target and you have guys climbing all over themselves to get to you?0
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I think he is selfish and you are crazy to accept his answers. My wife is heavy and I would never give her those bull**** answers like you get. We still are highly sexually into each other after 27 yrs of marriage. If you compromise here, where will it end. In my opinion, you could do better!! Sorry if I hurt your feelings because I don't really know him, but my opinion is based on what you said.0
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For men sex is a thing of love, it is that moment in which he and his love are connected as one - I mean please please correct me if I am wrong (all you men out there)
Actually, I think you may have just described a woman.0 -
Only twice in a year of dating has he ever made a single effort to satisfy me, and when asked, he says: 'Finish losing your weight if you want me to more interested in that." Last night, when I told him this one-sidedness was messed up and that he had no right to ask me for something he wasn't willing to give, he said he didn't understand why that was a problem, and then said that that was partly my responsibility as a woman.
I'm sorry but this is a crock of *hit. He wants his cake on his terms and then expects you to "earn" your cake, also on his terms? I'd ask what your boyfriend's physical appearance is but I have a suspicion that if I looked up self-centered in the dictionary I'd be able to find his picture myself.
Maybe I'm just thinking too simplistic here, but it makes sense to me when you're having sex, especially in a long term relationship, you would want your partner to want to do it again. Shouldn't you try to make sure they enjoy it as much as you do?
I'd be almost certain that your boyfriend's lack of motivation is a more deep seated issue he has internalized and he is using your unhappiness with your weight as a convenient scapegoat.
I wish you well. I can only imagine the level of frustration you feel.0 -
He really does sound like a cad. It may be hard for him to "get in the mood" but you two obviously are operating at different levels, sexually, and that's a REALLY big issue. It's one that will probably never go away, and since he isn't willing to change it, you can either live out the rest of your life with this guy, or find someone willing to give you the pleasure you deserve, both inside and outside of the bedroom.
On another note, having sex more frequently, I find, helps improve body image when it's done in a loving manner. I mean, having someone worship your body is NEVER bad for your self-esteem ;D0 -
Does he take any medications? Anxiety meds, blood pressure meds?0
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I'm not a man but your boyfriend sounds like a *kitten*.
For one thing you were 60 lbs heavier when you two started dating, if he wasn't attracted to you, why did he start dating you?
Even if you are attracted to someone's personality, there has to be some type of physical attraction there.
The fact that he keeps putting this on you saying when you lose the weight, he'll have sex with you. I'd lose the weight alright, whatever he weighs. I'd drop him like a bad habit.
Maybe when you feel better about yourself, and your self esteem raises, you will realize this guy is not a nice guy. I dated a man, at all sizes for 12 years, any size he told me I was beautiful even when I felt fat and unattractive. Whether he was lying, I don't know, but he never made me feel like I was only worthy of love if I dropped lbs.0
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