Spouse Not Understanding My Lifestyle Change

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  • galegetsthin
    galegetsthin Posts: 1,352 Member
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    I like the idea of individually freezing portions. That would make it MUCH easier! If your biggest issue is getting him to stop offering, it may not happen. If he is making all these goodies, he is probably proud of them. If you make something that is good, you want to share right? Same thing with him. Have one tiny bite. Make a 100 - 200 calorie allotment for a snack at home to help his ego a little. It is not going to kill you. I know a lot of very healthy people. They don't stress so much about a bite of something once a day. If one little bite is gonna do you in, you need to find the strength to make other changes. After he makes it and you have your little bite, and you put some of it away for you both, take it to work, a friend, family member, whatever!! I made 2 apple pies from scratch last weekend. I had a small slice, my daughter had one and then we took the rest to my aunt and uncle who's daughter was coming in to visit. That way, you get a little, he gets the joy of sharing something yummy with the woman he loves, and others even get to benefit from his hard work.
  • rdy2lose
    rdy2lose Posts: 106
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    My husband has to have something sweet before bed every night and my kids like sweets in their school lunches and then my mom loves to spoil my kids with homemade cookies (and to get them out of her house). If I see the treats I will eat them so I have learned to put them in the microwave or in the sweets cabinet. Out of sight out of mind - most of the time anyway.

    If it is sitting on the counter where I can see it - I WILL eat it.

    Good luck, it is tough
  • Tkzk
    Tkzk Posts: 11 Member
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    I can relate in that having even a small carb/fat rich treat one day will make me hungry and increase my carb cravings for the next few days. I need to eat clean every day to feel good and not all out of sorts. A special treat can maybe be once a week, and I like to choose it myself rather than have it force upon me b/c my spouse feels like some random Tuesday night is "triple cream cheese night."

    I think there is a weird sabotage thing going on for many couples. I know it's not fair or reasonable, but I think asking him to do this out of respect for you is not out of line. He can get treats out of the house, or buy things that don't need to be refrigerated and keep them in a private place. Making healthy choices in the kitchen is really, really hard. I don't think it's unreasonable to ask for a little support.

    Good luck.
  • speedyf
    speedyf Posts: 1,571 Member
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    I'm still trying to believe my eyes..........a man made cheesecake? Awesome! :smile:

    Haha, he loves to cook and bake! Which is awesome but results in all kinds of treats I can't eat!

    Thank you all for the advice! What I'm getting the most of is that I need to be direct and honest. I don't want to offend him so I have to be careful how I word it. But I need to be direct so there's no misunderstanding. I really appreciate the responses, thanks so much!

    Be straight forward is the key. I'm a woman, but I grew up and worked all my life with men. You say what you have to say, and that's it. Just be honest and crystal clear, without being rude or mad. He'll understand exactly your point and won't be mad at you for being honest. My boyfriend loves it... so simple! Just tell him that he may cook what ever he wants, you don't have to eat it if you don't want to.

    And you have your plan to get healthy, and he's got his. There's different ways to get there, and you made your choice and so did he.

    And I also agree with the above poster... if my boyfriend could only cook!
  • kahala_lineke
    kahala_lineke Posts: 1 Member
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    You say he loves to bake and what not. Have you thought about having him switch to the healthier options when he cooks? Which won't necessarily solve this problem, but could help in the future.
  • painthoss
    painthoss Posts: 63 Member
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    What I’d like to see if a little less of the treats since he has them almost every day

    and I’d like him to stop trying to get me to eat them…almost every day.

    I’d like to see more understanding on his part that my body is different and doesn’t lose weight the same way his does.

    Hopefully you can use some of the strategies people have given you to work on 'seeing less of the treats." I hope you find something there that helps, I sure did, there were some really good ideas.

    Your expectation about the deliberate tempting, teasing, and sabotage is reasonable and addressable: 'Honey, stop that, I do not appreciate it and I don't like it." If he continues, walk out of the room. You do not need to stay to be bullied, which is what this is a gentle form of, and walking away is a strong statement of your own self-respect and power.

    The third expectation? Well, you are expecting him to be somebody else than he is, and to think and believe differently than you. That's not really realistic, realistically speaking. Accept that you won't get that from him. I am not judging him as a spouse, and I am sure he provides for you emotionally in many ways, this just won't be one of them.

    Best wishes,
    val
  • fluffylittlecloud
    fluffylittlecloud Posts: 7
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    My wonderful husband bought me an ice cream snickers bar to "reward" me for doing such a good job.... I just stared at him, like "really?" He totally didn't get it! He seems to think just exercise will help with weight loss, but I'm with you, I want to be healthier too... But it was like I lost 2 lbs in a week,and he wanted them to come back or something. He is not making any lifestyle changes (which is entirely up to him), but he is a snack food kinda guy... doritos, other chips, sweets, soda, etc. . . . I do pretty well staying away from those things, except for soda . . . defintely my biggest weakness.
  • MotorCityFemmeFatale
    MotorCityFemmeFatale Posts: 222 Member
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    Really unless you're going to live a life where you'll low carb till you're dead, then maybe it's not the lifestyle you want to do. People fail at weight loss because they don't know how to moderate foods they like to eat, IMO.

    this
  • mfpcopine
    mfpcopine Posts: 3,093 Member
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    Write it out as well, men like to see things on paper it makes it easier for them.
    Sounds weird but they do. They love lists too so if you can put it in list form even better.

    Some women like lists, too. (I hate gratuitous gendering of basic activities.)

    To the OP: Run the numbers. Show what those extra pieces of cheesecake will do to your calorie deficit on a weekly, monthly, and yearly basis. Go to one of those weight loss simulators and figure out how much longer it will take you to reach your goal.

    If necessary, print your daily MFP log sheet with your calorie max and tape it to the refrigerator. Fill it in as you go through the day and highlight the number of calories you have left for the day.

    And remember: food isn't love, love is love. If someone really cares he will support you. If necessary, he can get a mini-fridge for his treats and put a lock on it.
  • secretlobster
    secretlobster Posts: 3,566 Member
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    I agree with the other advice you've received. I'm also a person who needs to see a list, and to be able to come to reasonable conclusions myself.

    Just as you want him to be respectful of your lifestyle change, I think you need to be respectful of his, even if it isn't something you agree with. You will get a better response from him overall if you show him that you are willing to accept and respect his dietary needs. You should probably both come to an agreement that you're not going to criticise one another's nutrition.
  • mfpcopine
    mfpcopine Posts: 3,093 Member
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    You need to confront your husband and make sure he understands that he can eat this stuff but he can't tempt you with it as it's like a drink to an alcoholic!

    I can't tell you how many times obese relatives have told me I can have everything in moderation when I've told them experience has taught me I can't.
  • darylinny
    darylinny Posts: 146
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    Some spouses are clueless! Just tell him how you feel and maybe find some receips of things that you both like but try for a healthier verison. Maybe he'll enjoy those as much as full on cheesecake... which is like kryptonite to me so you are my s-hero for not caving and eating the entire cake!!
  • Shannon2714
    Shannon2714 Posts: 843 Member
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    Or... perhaps because he loves you he is worried that you might not actually be eating a balanced and sustainable plan. I wish sometimes looking back that instead of always trying to be right and prove my Husband wrong I would have kept an open mind and actually listened to what he was saying instead of being defensive and feeling like he just didn't understand. Looking back I can see many times he was actually right.... if I had only listened.:grumble:


    Yup...been there. Great advice.
  • zombiefarmboy
    zombiefarmboy Posts: 222 Member
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    I'm still trying to believe my eyes..........a man made cheesecake? Awesome! :smile:

    I resent that! I make a fantastic cheesecake! Although, at this point I probably would refrain. I'd probably eat half of it in one sitting...
  • robinogue
    robinogue Posts: 1,117 Member
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    This is "your" lifestyle change, if he wants to eat cheesecake he's allowed to. Doesn't mean you have too. Just because you are no longer eating lots of sweets and things doesn't really mean he has to stop and/or not keep them in the house. My husband is non-supportive, he doesn't want to workout, he doesn't want to eat healthy. He loves cakes, cookies & donuts. He buys them and puts them in the house, I don't touch them just like he has his sweets I have my healthy snacks and while he's snacking I snack on mine. I think it would be unfair to say since I can't eat them you can't. My husband can't eat spicy foods but that doesn't mean I'm not allowed to eat them.
  • 1holegrouper
    1holegrouper Posts: 323 Member
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    I have a wife who is increasingly supportive and increasingly mimics 'some' of what I do. This took some time though. She is incorporating these habits more and more as she sees the results I'm getting. So, I try to be as transparent as possible and even show my food and exercise logs to her and do most of the cooking. I'm finally at the point where starchy carbs in the pantry and ice cream bars in the freezer make me stronger and have more resolve then being tempted to eat them. They remind me where I used to be at; 'i.e. you can eat anything as long as you burn it off in exercise' and to never go back there.
  • manderson27
    manderson27 Posts: 3,510 Member
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    Lot of good advice here, sorry if this has already been suggested but I admit I haven't read every post.

    I don't think he is deliberately sabotaging you at all. He likes to cook and understands that losing weight doesn't have to mean missing out on a treat, however you have a different way soooooo

    Challenge him to make low carb, low cal treats, get him to find recipies that suit your lifestyle but suit his love of baking. Then you can both enjoy the treats.

    ETA My husband brings treats home, I just weigh out my share, bag it, and eat it as part of my calorie allowance. God help anyone who touches my treats LOL
  • mfpcopine
    mfpcopine Posts: 3,093 Member
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    My willpower is usually strong and I can resist but sometimes it's just so hard.

    It IS hard. Studies have shown that we have limited amounts of willpower. It can work in the short-term, but for some people. relying on willpower alone will not suffice for something as long-term, sustained, and difficult as dieting. To the extent you can, you need to restructure your environment to reduce temptations and to encourage activity.

    Most people who have maintained their weight or lost weight haven't done it by focusing on all the great food they can't have. That would be torture. Instead, they focus on the benefits of being healthy and fit.
  • jodycoady
    jodycoady Posts: 598 Member
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    I'm sorry, but I'm still stuck at the part where your husband makes cheesecake.
  • 20kisses
    20kisses Posts: 5
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    "I'm still trying to believe my eyes..........a man made cheesecake? Awesome! "

    I thought the same thing...:smile:

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