Really need some support.. non-weight loss related..

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Jessastar
Jessastar Posts: 234
in Motivation and Support
My mother and I had gotten into a really bad fight today, well we've been getting to fights earlier.. but today she had gotten into it with me because I drained the sink full of silver wear when it was cold and I was going to wash it.

Basically, one thing led to another and she called me a failure, both as a daughter and a person. I just really need some encouragement right now. I can't stop crying and I know I shouldn't probably post this **** on here but I don't know what to do.

I don't know what I did wrong, I spoke the truth and called her out on all her lies.

All she does is go on the computer and hasn't spent ANY time with me in over 6 years..And I clean the house, clean up after everyone including my 23 year old slob of a brother and herself, and she doesn't appreciate anything I do and she expects me to do all this PLUS look for a job and give her money while she sits on her *kitten* and stays on the computer in her room..

She got mad at me for pretty much standing my ground and she wants to keep me trapped with no life (honestly..she purposely moved to an area where you NEED to have a car, otherwise you're stuck in the house, and she doesn't even want me to go see my friends in my old neighborhood.)

I feel like I don't even have a mother because she doesn't even want to give me the time of day. When I try to make the effort, she shuts me out.. She would rather go to her boyfriend of 3 years then spend time with me. She only spends time with me if it's something she wants to. & She just.. GAH. I don't know.. She doesn't appreciate anything I do at all..she even wanted me to graduate high school early so I can stay at home and clean..honestly that's what she told me.



I don't know what to do.. I'm so stressed I even had pains from it...

support, please? =/
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Replies

  • Jessastar
    Jessastar Posts: 234
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    Anyone.. ? :/
  • boldtsmith
    boldtsmith Posts: 120 Member
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    I’m sorry to hear about your situation but it is far more common than you may believe. You need to find your loving support outside the home. Surround yourself with people who love you and treat you lovingly. Family is not always able to do that unfortunately. If you do not yet have that circle of love and support that you need and deserve, find it, make it. It can sustain you in the home you have and prepare you for a healthy home of your own someday. Find a ready-made community; church, choir, basket weaving—it doesn’t matter. There are many loving people close to you right now and if they knew you were in pain, would embrace you into their community.

    For now--take some from me :heart:
  • wellbert
    wellbert Posts: 3,924 Member
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    Move out.
  • clubnoir
    clubnoir Posts: 5
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    Hey...don't let her put you down...it sounds like she is taking out her problems and frustrations out on you!!

    How old are you?
  • BrianSharpe
    BrianSharpe Posts: 9,248 Member
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    It sounds like your mother has problems of her own, but they're her problems not yours (or shouldn't be anyway)

    It's time to stop doing all the cleaning & cooking etc and start thinking about other living arrangements. No one needs this kind of emotional abuse.
  • Jessastar
    Jessastar Posts: 234
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    I’m sorry to hear about your situation but it is far more common than you may believe. You need to find your loving support outside the home. Surround yourself with people who love you and treat you lovingly. Family is not always able to do that unfortunately. If you do not yet have that circle of love and support that you need and deserve, find it, make it. It can sustain you in the home you have and prepare you for a healthy home of your own someday. Find a ready-made community; church, choir, basket weaving—it doesn’t matter. There are many loving people close to you right now and if they knew you were in pain, would embrace you into their community.

    For now--take some from me :heart:

    <3 thank you..
  • jenillawafer
    jenillawafer Posts: 426 Member
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    I dealt with a similar issue regarding my father. Moving out was the best decision I ever made, period. Even if it's not more than a few miles, we have a better relationship because of it. When you're gone, they'll have no one but themselves to depend on. This will ultimately give them that realization of what kind of burden they put on you, whether it was intentional or not.
  • Jessastar
    Jessastar Posts: 234
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    Hey...don't let her put you down...it sounds like she is taking out her problems and frustrations out on you!!

    How old are you?

    I'm 19.
    It's hard to not let her put me down, lately she's just been negative towards EVERYTHING..even my wonderful children(dogs)
  • Jessastar
    Jessastar Posts: 234
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    It sounds like your mother has problems of her own, but they're her problems not yours (or shouldn't be anyway)

    It's time to stop doing all the cleaning & cooking etc and start thinking about other living arrangements. No one needs this kind of emotional abuse.

    I don't have a job..& no one wants to hire me that's why I pretty much need support and love from MFP friends, so I can deal with this right now positively..
  • Jessastar
    Jessastar Posts: 234
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    I dealt with a similar issue regarding my father. Moving out was the best decision I ever made, period. Even if it's not more than a few miles, we have a better relationship because of it. When you're gone, they'll have no one but themselves to depend on. This will ultimately give them that realization of what kind of burden they put on you, whether it was intentional or not.


    I think moving out would be a better solution..because right now I honestly don't feel any love for my mother. I have felt like this for years.. but I can't because I don't have a job and no one wants to hire me..I applied everywhere over and over.. :/
  • Krys_140
    Krys_140 Posts: 648 Member
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    Jessastar, I'm so sorry that you're in pain. Feeling stuck in any situation you don't have control over can be maddening, and when family gets involved, it can cause an emotional spiral that can quickly get out of control.

    It sounds like you're feeling a few things right now. I'm hearing frustration at not being appreciated, wanting to spend time with your mother, and missing your friends.

    Maybe a non-confrontational conversation with your mother would help? Let her know that you miss spending quality time with her. Give her some specific examples of things you two did together that you really enjoyed. Remind her how much fun you two can have together. Remind yourself, too...

    Then, maybe you could calmly explain that you also miss spending time with your friends. Tell her that you're lonely, and ask her if she can help you come up with a plan for seeing them more often.

    If the two of you can get through both of those conversations in a positive frame of mind, then you could tackle the resentment you feel over the chores you are expected to complete. Saying that you feel unappreciated is a valid statement. Try not to say "you don't appreciate anything I do", because you don't know whether or not your mother appreciates you. All you know is that you don't feel appreciated.

    You can also let her know how hurt you felt when you heard her say that you're a failure. Give her an opportunity to apologize.

    Overall, the best chance you have for getting through this is to approach it as calmly and rationally as possible. Do your best to explain how you feel, without ever saying anything that she could consider a judgment against her. She may already feel guilty for how she's been treating you, and pointing out the very flaws that she's feeling bad about could put her in a defensive frame of mind, and immediately close her off to any meaningful conversation.

    Good luck, Jessastar. Feel free to add me, if you need more support.
  • bsgkid
    bsgkid Posts: 72 Member
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    I wish we could do more for you. So many of us have walked the path that you are on with your mom. Unfortunately, sometimes others' loathing of themselves gets projected onto us, especially when we refuse to follow that same path. Know that you are worth being loved and appreciated for the gem that you are. Begin planning the steps necessary to find your own way, and don't just react in the moment, no matter how frustrated you are. :flowerforyou: :heart: Let us know how we can help. Friend me if you would like.
  • Jessastar
    Jessastar Posts: 234
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    Jessastar, I'm so sorry that you're in pain. Feeling stuck in any situation you don't have control over can be maddening, and when family gets involved, it can cause an emotional spiral that can quickly get out of control.

    It sounds like you're feeling a few things right now. I'm hearing frustration at not being appreciated, wanting to spend time with your mother, and missing your friends.

    Maybe a non-confrontational conversation with your mother would help? Let her know that you miss spending quality time with her. Give her some specific examples of things you two did together that you really enjoyed. Remind her how much fun you two can have together. Remind yourself, too...

    Then, maybe you could calmly explain that you also miss spending time with your friends. Tell her that you're lonely, and ask her if she can help you come up with a plan for seeing them more often.

    If the two of you can get through both of those conversations in a positive frame of mind, then you could tackle the resentment you feel over the chores you are expected to complete. Saying that you feel unappreciated is a valid statement. Try not to say "you don't appreciate anything I do", because you don't know whether or not your mother appreciates you. All you know is that you don't feel appreciated.

    You can also let her know how hurt you felt when you heard her say that you're a failure. Give her an opportunity to apologize.

    Overall, the best chance you have for getting through this is to approach it as calmly and rationally as possible. Do your best to explain how you feel, without ever saying anything that she could consider a judgment against her. She may already feel guilty for how she's been treating you, and pointing out the very flaws that she's feeling bad about could put her in a defensive frame of mind, and immediately close her off to any meaningful conversation.

    Good luck, Jessastar. Feel free to add me, if you need more support.

    I really appreciate your commentary, but i've tried that. I can't talk to my mother because she refuses to listen. All she cares about is the computer, and her boyfriend. She constantly blames me for my dad leaving us to go to oklahoma and she blames me that her marriage went to ****. My mom doesn't want to spend time with me, she would rather go out and drink and party leaving me to take care of everything else.

    ****, I don't even know if she'll come home safe because I won't hear from her for days when she leaves.

    I tried talking to her, and avoided all that poor sentencing.. but she doesn't want to listen at all to what I have to say.. She doesn't care and would rather listen to something that will benefit her. :/
  • WarriorReady
    WarriorReady Posts: 571 Member
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    It sounds like your mother has problems of her own, but they're her problems not yours (or shouldn't be anyway)

    It's time to stop doing all the cleaning & cooking etc and start thinking about other living arrangements. No one needs this kind of emotional abuse.

    AGREED!
  • 75Juniper
    75Juniper Posts: 376
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    Move out.


    Yep. Situations like this are usually no-win and the best thing to do is get away from it.
  • jenillawafer
    jenillawafer Posts: 426 Member
    Options
    I dealt with a similar issue regarding my father. Moving out was the best decision I ever made, period. Even if it's not more than a few miles, we have a better relationship because of it. When you're gone, they'll have no one but themselves to depend on. This will ultimately give them that realization of what kind of burden they put on you, whether it was intentional or not.


    I think moving out would be a better solution..because right now I honestly don't feel any love for my mother. I have felt like this for years.. but I can't because I don't have a job and no one wants to hire me..I applied everywhere over and over.. :/

    Maybe a friend/family family member could take you in temporarily until your financial situation is taken care of? Seriously, don't give up. There's a lot of people that would give anything to have a relationship with their parents, even if it's a rocky one. In the mean time, you're just going to have to deal with where you're at. Keep job hunting and stand you're ground. Life isn't always going to hand you things on a silver platter. You have to work for what you want. In the end, you'll learn a lot from what you went through and hopefully, be a stronger, more independent person because of it.
  • Jessastar
    Jessastar Posts: 234
    Options
    I wish we could do more for you. So many of us have walked the path that you are on with your mom. Unfortunately, sometimes others' loathing of themselves gets projected onto us, especially when we refuse to follow that same path. Know that you are worth being loved and appreciated for the gem that you are. Begin planning the steps necessary to find your own way, and don't just react in the moment, no matter how frustrated you are. :flowerforyou: :heart: Let us know how we can help. Friend me if you would like.

    Just need someone there to tell me it's okay.. and to help me deal with this more positively..

    I do have a major fault, and that's holding my anger in ti'll I explode. Which I ended up doing to her today.. but after she called me that, plus much more.. I just feel..****ty..worthless..

    I don't know, i'm sure you understand what I mean, just I have a poor choice of words right now due to anxiety....

    I just need a friend I guess.. to let me know I'm not alone. Because right now I feel like I am.
  • Diary_Queen
    Diary_Queen Posts: 1,314 Member
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    My mother is the same way... i just do my own thing. If the house damn well rots around all of us, then so be it. I'm not anyone's slave! If the dishes are all dirty, I'll eat my food off a papertowel. I'm not particular... she can do her part or shut the hell up. Of course, it's my house too and I take care of my kids, but I refuse to take care of a grown person that is capable of taking care of themselves. I don't wash her dishes, I don't wash her clothes, I don't buy her crap for her. I basically just stopped. If she wants to pitch a fit like a child, then I listen and go about my business -- she finally started taking care of her own crap and leaving me the hell alone. It's much better that way. I know exactly what it's like with no support. If I have to come home and cook dinner, fine... will do. If she doesn't like what I make, she knows where the bread and lunch meat is. I refuse to be treated like a prisoner in my own home. The less I tell her, the better.
  • angelicarubi
    angelicarubi Posts: 148 Member
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    My mother and I had gotten into a really bad fight today, well we've been getting to fights earlier.. but today she had gotten into it with me because I drained the sink full of silver wear when it was cold and I was going to wash it.

    Basically, one thing led to another and she called me a failure, both as a daughter and a person. I just really need some encouragement right now. I can't stop crying and I know I shouldn't probably post this **** on here but I don't know what to do.

    I don't know what I did wrong, I spoke the truth and called her out on all her lies.

    All she does is go on the computer and hasn't spent ANY time with me in over 6 years..And I clean the house, clean up after everyone including my 23 year old slob of a brother and herself, and she doesn't appreciate anything I do and she expects me to do all this PLUS look for a job and give her money while she sits on her *kitten* and stays on the computer in her room..

    She got mad at me for pretty much standing my ground and she wants to keep me trapped with no life (honestly..she purposely moved to an area where you NEED to have a car, otherwise you're stuck in the house, and she doesn't even want me to go see my friends in my old neighborhood.)

    I feel like I don't even have a mother because she doesn't even want to give me the time of day. When I try to make the effort, she shuts me out.. She would rather go to her boyfriend of 3 years then spend time with me. She only spends time with me if it's something she wants to. & She just.. GAH. I don't know.. She doesn't appreciate anything I do at all..she even wanted me to graduate high school early so I can stay at home and clean..honestly that's what she told me.



    I don't know what to do.. I'm so stressed I even had pains from it...

    support, please? =/

    I know exactly how you feel. I went through this my whole life. Never felt like anybody loved me and I hated myself for that. It wasnt until I ran away with a man 18yrs older then me that she realized she was taking me for granted. I am not saying do that, but what I can say your mother does love you she just cares more about her self right now. I think you should find a friend who will allow you so stay with them and get out of there for the weekend. She will probably tell you NO if she is anything like my mom but go anyway and if she gets angry tel her you are 19 and can do as you please! Call the cops if she gets too agressive. She can not stop you from doing as you plese anymore. Do not let her bully you! They are places you can go people you can talk to whom can help you get a job and have a place to stay you just have to look.

    edited to add

    my mom used to call me names and make me feel worthless also. She would call me a ***** and make fun of how fat i was. all my life she put me on diets and i never went through with them because i wanted her to accept me for me. her and my brothers would laugh at how fat i was and gaing up on me. I know it's hard an you feel horrible but dont let her bring you down. You are beautiful and you do not desereve it.You hear that you do not desereve it no matter what you did or said to her you are her child she needs to act like a mom. You are not in the wrong. i am proud of you for sticking up for yourself:D
  • Mykaelous
    Mykaelous Posts: 231 Member
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    My mother and I had gotten into a really bad fight today, well we've been getting to fights earlier.. but today she had gotten into it with me because I drained the sink full of silver wear when it was cold and I was going to wash it.

    Basically, one thing led to another and she called me a failure, both as a daughter and a person. I just really need some encouragement right now. I can't stop crying and I know I shouldn't probably post this **** on here but I don't know what to do.

    I don't know what I did wrong, I spoke the truth and called her out on all her lies.

    All she does is go on the computer and hasn't spent ANY time with me in over 6 years..And I clean the house, clean up after everyone including my 23 year old slob of a brother and herself, and she doesn't appreciate anything I do and she expects me to do all this PLUS look for a job and give her money while she sits on her *kitten* and stays on the computer in her room..

    She got mad at me for pretty much standing my ground and she wants to keep me trapped with no life (honestly..she purposely moved to an area where you NEED to have a car, otherwise you're stuck in the house, and she doesn't even want me to go see my friends in my old neighborhood.)

    I feel like I don't even have a mother because she doesn't even want to give me the time of day. When I try to make the effort, she shuts me out.. She would rather go to her boyfriend of 3 years then spend time with me. She only spends time with me if it's something she wants to. & She just.. GAH. I don't know.. She doesn't appreciate anything I do at all..she even wanted me to graduate high school early so I can stay at home and clean..honestly that's what she told me.



    I don't know what to do.. I'm so stressed I even had pains from it...

    support, please? =/

    Nothing I can say can help you, this is something you will have to figure out for yourself and hopefully you will be the better for it. Its moments like this that make you into the person that you are going to be for better or worse the choice is yours.

    Now for what will be easy to understand but difficult to accept. You can never get back what you never really had. You also cannot change other people, either accept them or leave them. Sometimes you cant leave people so you just have to deal with them. All things do heal with time but take the energy/emotion you feel right now and channel it into doing something for yourself. Lastly appreciate this moment because if you were never tested you would never know the person who you really are.

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