Really need some support.. non-weight loss related..
Replies
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Here's my take based upon your replies and the situation that you are in. You are 19. Enroll in college and move to the dorms. Take advantage of the free medical coverage for students to go to counseling. Stop enabling, stop complaining, and make a change in a positive direction. You are in a no-win co-dependent situation. Of course, I have also learned from my own family that there are two sides to every coin, and we may not be getting the entire story. Taking this situation at face value though...get out and make a life for yourself....no excuses.
This is the best advice when i messaged her she just said she doesnt have a car nobody will hire her and sounds to me like excuses also, but i do not know they full story so can't judge.0 -
Here's my take based upon your replies and the situation that you are in. You are 19. Enroll in college and move to the dorms. Take advantage of the free medical coverage for students to go to counseling. Stop enabling, stop complaining, and make a change in a positive direction. You are in a no-win co-dependent situation. Of course, I have also learned from my own family that there are two sides to every coin, and we may not be getting the entire story. Taking this situation at face value though...get out and make a life for yourself....no excuses.
This is the best advice when i messaged her she just said she doesnt have a car nobody will hire her and sounds to me like excuses also, but i do not know they full story so can't judge.
I learned a long time ago through vicious life-lessons that you can sit back and b!tch and moan about your life, or you can grab life by the b@lls and do something. I have survived a deadly abusive relationship, several other bad relationships with poor choices of partner, being a single mom, and a debilitating illness. I used to sit back and moan and groan about how much my life sucked and how horrible it was to be me. When I learned to find the positive in life and to change my situation, it changed my outcome. Nobody can force you to be unhappy, it is a choice that you alone make based upon your circumstances. When I'm not happy with my life, I start with small changes and keep on changing until I have acheived a better outcome. You can let life control you, or you can take control of your life and go somewhere. It's all how you see it.0 -
I hope it gets better for you. I do have a question. Do you two live in the same house? If so, both of you need to work on your own private time.
It use to be with me and my mom that she would annoy me every hour upon the day. Until, slowly, I did it to her..(got chewed out for it.) Yet, it worked. Not saying you should do the same thing.
Yet, you are not a failer. What she said might have been the heat of the moment. Please don't feel down because of it.
Yet, from what everyone is given you I am telling you that moving out isn't that easy. At 28 I am still living at home because, frankly, it's cheeper to stay here. Trust me, I have a job, I went to college, and everything in that sort.
The coast of living is high and I will not go into dept...
On that note, you are not me. My advice is do what you must to survie this hard time. I wish you well..
Yet, Iddreams is right. You can't do anything by complaining about the state you are in. In order to move ahead you must move ahead.
Though, my advice to you is to consider your job, your finances, and what ever else you must live. Get THOSE in order before you can even move out.
Most of all: TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF!
I can't stress that enough.0 -
I understand not being able to talk to her about the problems you two have.
My mother is insane. Everyone says it, everyone has experienced (friends and family), and everyone ignores it. That's all we can do at this point. I tried talking to her, trying to fix things so we could have a healthy relationship. It was a disaster. Finally, I started to cut her out of my life. I only answer her calls when I want to. She used to call three times a day, now it's gone to once every couple weeks. If she starts drama/trash talking I tell her I'm going to have to hang up if she won't stop. It makes her angry, but it's getting easier to say and she's really stopped most of her drama (with me) because I won't give it fodder.
The best thing you can do is move out. Join the military, work at McDonalds. No job is beneath you. Working is something many people are too lazy to do and will bombard you with excuses as to why they can't/shouldn't.
Good luck. Feel free to add me. I know exactly how you feel.0 -
Wow...I'm sorry you had to go through that. Have you talked to her about going to family counseling? If you're a legal adult, you should definitely do whatever has to be done to move out. Neither of you are good for the other, from the sound of it...
Good luck!0 -
Maybe I grew up in a different time, but I don't agree with the advice about doing nothing around the house. Unless you are paying rent, it is her house and her rules. You can certainly walk away when she belittles you (and you should), but I don't think you should stop contributing completely. Because you are 19, she technically doesn't have to let you live there, and you don't want her to kick you out before you are ready to be on your own.
I agree completely.0 -
You and your mom sound just like me and my daughter. I think it is a mother daughter thing with us. We are so alike and so different at the same time. I had the same issues with my mom and it only took me 30 something years to learn that she is who she is, and I am who I am. I will never change her, but I can change myself. Just making it so that I didn't let her get under my skin was how I was able to learn how to deal.
As a mom, I can tell you that it seems the older my daughter gets, the more we fight. She moved out a few months ago and things got a lot better but I have a hard time relating to her as an adult, that's my issue not hers. Hers is she feels that she does everything to make me happy, when I never requested, put demands, or asked her.
Take a step back honey, you and your mom are going through a period that will end soon.
I love my mother dearly, we talk every weekend now because I live 3,200 miles away. That has been a blessing and a curse at the same time. But at least I can say I did my part to make the relationship better. I also know that she isn't going to be around forever and if I ever wanted to have a relationship with her, I was the one who would have to make some changes. Have you tried talking to your mom, and start by telling her you love her, if you do. Starting out with in calm manner, as oppose to the heat of the battle, will hopefully make the conversation go better.
Good luck and I hope this helped alittle0 -
Unfortunately, we can not choose who we are related to... Do you have family that you can live with until you can go out on your own? I was someone who fought with my mother a lot when I was younger (our personalities just clash) but when I moved out and we both grew up a little, time and space can heal those things most of the time. Sounds like she doesn't appreciate what she has, and maybe some time apart can help you heal those wounds. So sorry you are struggling with this! Hope you find a solution that works for you. Staying in a hostile environment isn't good for anyone involved! Good Luck! :flowerforyou:0
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Here's my take based upon your replies and the situation that you are in. You are 19. Enroll in college and move to the dorms. Take advantage of the free medical coverage for students to go to counseling. Stop enabling, stop complaining, and make a change in a positive direction. You are in a no-win co-dependent situation. Of course, I have also learned from my own family that there are two sides to every coin, and we may not be getting the entire story. Taking this situation at face value though...get out and make a life for yourself....no excuses.
THIS^^^^^ 100,000%!!!!
I was going to post something very similar. Go to school... get a student loan or grant or whatever it takes, but go. Move into the dorms... away from home. You have to take control of YOU! Nobody else has control over you. You either CHOOSE to remain the victim and in that situation or you fix it. You are not a child anymore... you're an adult!
I can't even if I wanted to. I don't have any way to GET into college. there's no buses or trains here. I live in the country.
I can't call a cab because again, I have no money.
I don't have a bike.
I walk.
I'm NOT complaining!
I'm just asking for support and how I can deal with this positively.
But. I am moving to Oklahoma within the next month or two since I got a hold of my father for the first time in 7 months.0 -
Okay everyone. Let me make this out there and clear.
-I AM NOT COMPLAINING. I'm RELIEVING STRESS And Asking for advice about my mental state. NOT MY LIVING SITUATION.
-I can't go to college, there's no way I can get there.. The CLOSEST college is in Park Forest, and the last time I was there I got jumped. I have no car or bike or buses or trains to get ANYWHERE.
I'm ASKING FOR SUPPORT, I'm Asking for advice how to help calm myself down UNTIL I can get out of here. Which is probably not going to be until the end of July, since I got ahold of my father and his fiance agreed that I can live down there.0 -
Here's my take based upon your replies and the situation that you are in. You are 19. Enroll in college and move to the dorms. Take advantage of the free medical coverage for students to go to counseling. Stop enabling, stop complaining, and make a change in a positive direction. You are in a no-win co-dependent situation. Of course, I have also learned from my own family that there are two sides to every coin, and we may not be getting the entire story. Taking this situation at face value though...get out and make a life for yourself....no excuses.
This is the best advice when i messaged her she just said she doesnt have a car nobody will hire her and sounds to me like excuses also, but i do not know they full story so can't judge.
It's not an excuse.
Whatever, it was a mistake posting this, I just wanted someone to be there for me.
I tried everything. And look, i'm still here.
I had 6 interviews, and they all said I can't because I don't have a car.
Think whatever you guys want, excuse or not. I really don't care anymore.
BUt I am getting out of here within the next month since I figured that out.
I'm not making excuses. I'm telling you how it is over here. We're not all blessed with people who will hire without a car or transportation.0 -
I am much older than you, but when I was 16/17 my life was **** too. I was neglected, emotionally and physically abused and felt I had nowhere to turn. I don't know how it works in the US, but here in UK our local authorities can work with you to find alternative accommodation and receive benefits to pay rent until you are on your feet again.
I slowly but surely began to choose a 'family' that I loved, and who loved me too. Build a family from friends, new neighbours, and even pets and surround yourself with unconditional support. It takes time, and when you are so low and your self esteem is almost zero, building up the confidence to fight back is a scary thought, and sometimes it's easier to give in and submit.
But, you ARE an adult. You ARE worthy of love and affection. You ARE a beautiful, intelligent and independent young woman who is in charge of her own destiny. You CAN change this. You CAN be assertive and stand your ground. But most of all you CAN be happy. You CAN overcome the feelings of failure and neglect. And you absolutely DESERVE to be loved, appreciated, validated and supported.
Only you can change this. Your Mum won't change her behaviour if you keep accepting it. Your life is what is most important, so concentrate on believing in yourself, as all of we whom have taken the time to reply believe in you, and start the next chapter of your life knowing YOU are in control.
Feel free to add me if you need a friend.
Good luck x0 -
Maybe I grew up in a different time, but I don't agree with the advice about doing nothing around the house. Unless you are paying rent, it is her house and her rules. You can certainly walk away when she belittles you (and you should), but I don't think you should stop contributing completely. Because you are 19, she technically doesn't have to let you live there, and you don't want her to kick you out before you are ready to be on your own.
I understand & respect that.. but she also has a 23 year old son that does nothing but trashes up the place with garbage when I'm done cleaning. Her and I had an agreement a long time ago that she makes her son pick up after himself since he doesn't work either, yet she wants me to go to his room and clean up after him when he's on the computer playing games.0 -
I hate to say it but sometimes you have you cut out family. If they are toxic to you sometimes its best to cut and run. Living at home is difficult and there are no jobs out there. Trust me I have been unemployed for years and have applied everywhere. I know it is hard but try to ignore her and try to find a hobby that gets you out of the house. Go meet friends somewhere, continue to apply for jobs, just keep your mind distracted and do your best to avoid her.
Have you tried talking to your brother? Can he help pitch in and help you get out of the house?0 -
Don't let negativity get you down. Only you know your situation so don't be offended by those who don't, and make assumptions.
Your mental state is extremely important and valid, and getting angry is the easiest way to vent your frustration and anxiety, but bottling it up and blowing out, despite getting it off your chest, is only making things worse for you. It seems like adults and others (even here) think you are belligerent and making excuses for not changing your situation, but as we get older and wiser, we tend to forget how difficult and emotionally straining these situations are for teenagers and young adults.
The things you have said about work, travel etc are not excuses, they are reasons for the way you are feeling trapped and alone. It is a hard spiral of no work = no money = no self esteem = no motivation = anxiety = frayed attitude = misinterpretation of who you are etc. = no work...
Verbalising things either vocally or in a blog etc helps to relieve the stress but until you start believing in yourself and realising that you can affect change, the cycle will continue...even when living with your dad...
We can chat privately if you like x0 -
I've had my fair share of legitimate family issues. My family is pretty broken and dysfunctional for the most part. I've dealt with a lot, especially with my dad. He went through a weird phase where he wasn't himself at all, me and him actually physically fought twice. I never thought i'd see the day where im throwing my dad on the ground and fighting with him. He is getting help now, but I understand family issues for sure no matter how big or small. Feel free to add me if you feel up for it and would like someone to talk with.0
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I forgot to add... is there decent public transportation where you live? Can you apply for assistance you are 19 right? You don't have any other relatives you can move in with? I know you cannot pay rent but ask a relative for help if you do the cooking, cleaning and laundry.0
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I forgot to add... is there decent public transportation where you live? Can you apply for assistance you are 19 right? You don't have any other relatives you can move in with? I know you cannot pay rent but ask a relative for help if you do the cooking, cleaning and laundry.
No. There's no public transportation here. The closest train station is 45 minutes away by car.
The closest buses are in another city that I can't get to.
No one wants to help, that's why I'm here. I'm the one who does everything and my brother makes everything worse. He doesn't shower for weeks, he has moldy food everywhere that he leaves, and my mom doesn't do **** about it. My mom hates when I ask her to cook ONCE when I'm not either feeling well, or if I'm doing something else.
I'm not trying to shut down your idea though.. and I'm not trying to give attitude..I really do appreciate your reply on here and the other one. (which is why I'm replying about that one on this post. )0 -
Here's my take based upon your replies and the situation that you are in. You are 19. Enroll in college and move to the dorms. Take advantage of the free medical coverage for students to go to counseling. Stop enabling, stop complaining, and make a change in a positive direction. You are in a no-win co-dependent situation. Of course, I have also learned from my own family that there are two sides to every coin, and we may not be getting the entire story. Taking this situation at face value though...get out and make a life for yourself....no excuses.
^^Agreed. Sounds like she is just like my mom. I am so sorry you have to deal with this. I hope you can make things better for yourself. College would benefit you in a lot of ways.0 -
Don't let negativity get you down. Only you know your situation so don't be offended by those who don't, and make assumptions.
You're right.. it's just so frustrating that people think I'm making excuses when I'm not.. There's literally no way I can go to college or get a job and I wish people would understand that but I can't expect them to because they don't live with my situation.0 -
Since you're of age, you don't have to stay with her. Call one of your friends and see if they'll put you up until you can get a place of your own, car, and a job. You could also join the military, which will get you out and amongst other people your age and will help you gain self esteem. I sent you a friends request, feel free to message me as often as you like0
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Since you're of age, you don't have to stay with her. Call one of your friends and see if they'll put you up until you can get a place of your own, car, and a job. You could also join the military, which will get you out and amongst other people your age and will help you gain self esteem. I sent you a friends request, feel free to message me as often as you like
I'm moving in about a month, my father is coming to get me, but it's going to be hard because I haven't heard from him in 7 months and we never exactly had a good relationship.. but got to work with it I guess..0 -
Move out.
Yep...0 -
Move out.
Yep...
Again, I am. Within the next month or two. right now I can't because.
I.
Have.
No.
Car.0 -
Sounds like you have a plan, you are leaving to join your Dad in a month, stay calm and in control of your situation until that time happens. Best if you lay low....do what you can, say very little, your time will be here shortly. Make the most out of your time with your Dad, start dreaming now of what you want to do, let your dreams carry you this next month. Hurting people hurt others....no excuses just understanding....Friend me if you would like a friend....will be praying for you, Take care...0
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Sounds like you have a plan, you are leaving to join your Dad in a month, stay calm and in control of your situation until that time happens. Best if you lay low....do what you can, say very little, your time will be here shortly. Make the most out of your time with your Dad, start dreaming now of what you want to do, let your dreams carry you this next month. Hurting people hurt others....no excuses just understanding....Friend me if you would like a friend....will be praying for you, Take care...
Finally, a post that isn't saying I should just move out now, or that I need to stop complaining or with the excuses. thank you for this advice.0 -
The nice thing about college is that you do not need a car. You can pull together tax returns and file your FAFSA so you can get student aid (loans, grants, etc.) and check out schools online. It will give you something to plan towards as you are waiting/enduring the summer (or just the next month). Once you are accepted, all you need is one time transportation to get to your college/university where you can live in the dorms, eat on campus, make friends, etc. Even if you only decide to go for 2 years, it will open your eyes to all of the possibilities in the world around you. I still consider the friends I made in college to be some of my closest and dearest friends - and I graduated 15 years ago!
I have found that planning and looking at possibilities has kept me going during times in my life when I feel trapped or stagnant. I may not be able to escape today - or even this week - but I can plan and prepare for what I will do when I am free to move about again. It gives me hope.0 -
Best thing is to move along you have your whole life ahead of you. Clearly your mother refuses to grow up. Even if your father is a rough relationship he surely can be repaired.0
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The nice thing about college is that you do not need a car. You can pull together tax returns and file your FAFSA so you can get student aid (loans, grants, etc.) and check out schools online. It will give you something to plan towards as you are waiting/enduring the summer (or just the next month). Once you are accepted, all you need is one time transportation to get to your college/university where you can live in the dorms, eat on campus, make friends, etc. Even if you only decide to go for 2 years, it will open your eyes to all of the possibilities in the world around you. I still consider the friends I made in college to be some of my closest and dearest friends - and I graduated 15 years ago!
I have found that planning and looking at possibilities has kept me going during times in my life when I feel trapped or stagnant. I may not be able to escape today - or even this week - but I can plan and prepare for what I will do when I am free to move about again. It gives me hope.
How do I file for FAFSA? I never even heard of it. Can you explain some more?0 -
I agree about going to school or join the military. Preferably school. Student aid and student loans will sustain you. You must get an education in order to make it in life. I came from a very dysfunctional family and was abandoned and neglected as a child. My mother even lied to her husband that I was her daughter. She didn't raise me.. didn't want me. I had a tough go of it. Had 3 children but unfortunately married an abusive *kitten*. So what I did was kick him out and went to school with student loans. It was the only way I could eventually support myself. This was about 25 years ago. I learned to stand on my own two feet. If going to school and joining the military isn't an option, I'd move to a big city and go into a shelter. Anything sounds better than living like you are, In shelters they have programs that help people get jobs and get on their feet. I know there are many programs out there for people like you. You may also want to get some emotional help.... maybe get into a community mental health program and get help with your anxiety and depression. If you go to a shelter they will hook you up with a counselor. There are a lot of services out there for people in need. You just have to find them. You'd have to take a huge chance moving to a big city in order to do this but it is an option. I would do anything than live with abuse. I wish you the best of luck.
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