Unsupportive Spouse

Options
reisingmel
reisingmel Posts: 50 Member
in Motivation and Support
I think I'm finally at wits end :( I've been doing weight watchers in the last few weeks and really trying hard to find time for workouts but my husband is sabotaging me at EVERY step. I'm good with my breakfast and lunches because I'm not usually around him for those but dinners he'll bring home pizza (specifically the kind only I like and he doesn't) or my favorite ice cream as if I'll love him to death for thinking of me, when really I think he just wanted that food and is using me as an excuse. And on top of him undermining my food efforts he's been whining a lot about how he thinks I want to spend too much time running or going to the gym. Mind you, at the moment, I walk the dog for 15 minutes a couple times a day and I'm very lucky if I can get to the gym or out running for a couple miles ONCE a week. Ideally I'd like to spend 30-45 minutes doing some kind of workout 5-6 times a week. I don't think I'm asking for too much time to do this and I'm doing it so I can be healthy. We don't have kids or anything so to me it just seems like he's being needy and if the tables were reversed, I'd be behind him 100% and encouraging him the entire way. I'm to the point where I might just sneak out to hit the gym or wait until he's gone for work to go even if it is super inconvenient for me to do so. Anyone out there in a similar boat? What'd you do to work around it or get your significant other on board?
«1345

Replies

  • MissAnjy
    MissAnjy Posts: 2,480 Member
    Options
    My husband was very unsupportive. He'd gripe & complain anytime I wanted to workout, and would sabotage my eating habits. Much the same as you're describing. He would make me feel guilty for exercising for 30 MINUTES a day and would imply that I was "taking time away from my kids" and not being a great mother because of it, etc.

    I divorced him.
  • devil_in_a_blue_dress
    devil_in_a_blue_dress Posts: 5,214 Member
    Options
    I think you should directly ask him why he is trying to sabotage you. If he says he isn't, tell him what he is doing feels that way. Sometimes spouses get insecure -- like "If she loses weight she'll leave me". To an extent that is understandable -- he's acting like am immature jerk.
  • meg7399
    meg7399 Posts: 672 Member
    Options
    Well, I am not sure if he is unsupportive or just plain dumb...and sadly I think its the latter. My BF would often try to be nice by getting something I like to eat or make plans to spend time by watching a movie. This was just him trying to be a nice BF and not even thinking that these things go against my plans to lose weight. I just had to break it down to him...he had no idea. Boys don't think in the most logical ways (and no not all boys...please don't attack me for this!) I also make it understandable for him. He works outside all day doing manual labor, so he doesn't get that when I get off work I want to run. I just tell him he got his physical time and I need mine....THEN we chill on the couch and relax together. Its about finding the right balance.
  • staceyseeger
    staceyseeger Posts: 783 Member
    Options
    It breaks my heart to hear stories like yours. :cry: :cry: :cry:

    I have the most wonderful, supportive husband. The biggest compliment from him is "if he ever catches me, it's off to a padded room in a straight jacket" He thinks I'm absolutely out of my mind with some things that I do, but let me tell you...he's loving the results! :wink: :wink: :wink:

    Good luck to you, sweetie! :flowerforyou: :flowerforyou:
  • auticus
    auticus Posts: 1,051 Member
    Options
    My sweety inspires me and supports me as I do her. We are both active. I wouldn't have it any other way. Unsupportive spouses, especially in this realm where you're trying to get healthier, are being selfish IMO.

    Being together means being a team, not an anchor.
  • AJ_Pete
    AJ_Pete Posts: 863 Member
    Options
    I think I'm finally at wits end :( I've been doing weight watchers in the last few weeks and really trying hard to find time for workouts but my husband is sabotaging me at EVERY step. I'm good with my breakfast and lunches because I'm not usually around him for those but dinners he'll bring home pizza (specifically the kind only I like and he doesn't) or my favorite ice cream as if I'll love him to death for thinking of me, when really I think he just wanted that food and is using me as an excuse. And on top of him undermining my food efforts he's been whining a lot about how he thinks I want to spend too much time running or going to the gym. Mind you, at the moment, I walk the dog for 15 minutes a couple times a day and I'm very lucky if I can get to the gym or out running for a couple miles ONCE a week. Ideally I'd like to spend 30-45 minutes doing some kind of workout 5-6 times a week. I don't think I'm asking for too much time to do this and I'm doing it so I can be healthy. We don't have kids or anything so to me it just seems like he's being needy and if the tables were reversed, I'd be behind him 100% and encouraging him the entire way. I'm to the point where I might just sneak out to hit the gym or wait until he's gone for work to go even if it is super inconvenient for me to do so. Anyone out there in a similar boat? What'd you do to work around it or get your significant other on board?


    Seems like he's having more of an issue with himself than with you. For whatever reason, he's sabotaging you because he doesn't want you to lose the weight. Maybe he's afraid of you getting hotter and losing interest in him.... or that you're getting better and he's feeling stagnant.... whatever the reasoning, talk to him about it. Don't be irrational, or yell.... but try to understand why he's doing it and try to explain why you want this for yourself. I'm sure you both can meet somewhere in the middle.....

    Best of luck!
  • SmallMimi
    SmallMimi Posts: 541 Member
    Options
    Can you get up earlier and exercise before he is up and about?
  • Bobby_Clerici
    Bobby_Clerici Posts: 1,828 Member
    Options
    Fitness and health is paramount to both me and the wife. She's on MFP too.
    If I were in your situation, I'd probably suck it up, work on myself, then once I was in peak condition, evaluate whether to remain together. When we are fit, that opens a lot of doors.
    Good Luck.
  • thepanttherlady
    thepanttherlady Posts: 258 Member
    Options
    Your husband may be feeling insecure with the healthy choices you're making for yourself. Maybe he feels you're going to get healthier and leave him?

    Time to sit down and have a discussion with him. It's ok if he doesn't want to join you in healthier food choices, or even to work out (have you asked him to?) but reassure him you love him and aren't going anywhere. :)

    Perhaps you can also let him know how much you appreciate his thoughtfulness (even if his motives aren't pure...but we don't know that yet) and give him new ideas of what he can bring that are healthy and will help you stick to your goal.

    Good luck. I'm sure this is very difficult but you can do it!
  • supplemama
    supplemama Posts: 1,956 Member
    Options
    Don't inconvenience yourself. Keep up a regular workout routine that works for you. If he brings home junk or stuff you don't eat right now, just ignore it. You don't have to eat it.

    I think many spouses are uncomfortable with their spouses changing in a way that will improve them because then THEY will have to get on board or get left behind...or least that is how it feels to them. But you can be understanding of his fears without allowing him to keep you overweight. YOU control you; what you do, what you eat, how you live, that's all up to you.
  • recoiljpr
    recoiljpr Posts: 292
    Options
    I'm not in the same boat, actually generally both of us end up having to take turns with the "prime" gym time (6-7 pm) due to us having 4 kids.

    I wonder, could your husband possibly be jealous and just not admitting it? I'm wondering if he's not seeing you trying to turn your life around and sees himself not doing the same. Due to that, it makes him frustrated at himself for not doing it, and therefore he halo's that frustration onto you. I would assume it's jealousy at play here. He would feel better if you went back to the old way, so he doesn't have to feel bad about not doing the same thing as you are.

    In the end, you can only lead a horse to water, you can't make it drink. Maybe try having a calm and direct conversation with him. Ask him what his reasons are for being frustrated at you for trying to change your life. My suggestion is don't take a superior tone with him, nor a "mother" type tone. Listen more then speaking at first.

    As far as food, that's something you will have to learn to fight. Because you are on a lifestyle change doesn't mean everyone around you is going to change as well. You have to learn to tell yourself no, and ignore it. With us having 4 kids, there are ALWAYS "bad" foods/drinks around our house. We have just had to learn to ignore them and keep on trucking.

    Just a thought...
  • beauty2323
    beauty2323 Posts: 70 Member
    Options
    I'm not in a similar boat but I think you need to have a talk with him.
    Sometimes men can jealous at the silliest things.... & they'll often hide it.
    He may be jealous that your spending "so much" time at the gym.. or he's insecure that you would get even hotter with your new lifestyle & won't want to be with him anymore. Of course he won't ever admit it!

    Anyway I think you need to talk to him... even suggest that he goes to the gym with you cause its easier when your both on the same page. If he objects then simply tell him... I need to workout for me... to be healthier & be sexier for you.. ( you got to throw that in there to make him feel wanted :laugh: & important!)

    With the food I'm sorry to say but you have to deal with it. There's also going to be unhealthy foods around.. events..parties..bdays...etc.. Have your healthy snacks & go run out to the store and get your salad when he brings home pizza & ice cream. or simply if you have the time & are up for it cook up your own meal.

    Days when you can't go to the gym get some workout Dvds... even let him watch so he can see how serious you are.
  • cloud2011
    cloud2011 Posts: 898 Member
    Options
    Hmmm. My husband is very supportive in what he says, but not what he does. He will still make or buy trigger foods, or just cook with too much fat, even when I ask about. Fortuntately, I work around it, but it's still frustrating.

    I think the thing is, we can't control anyone else's behavior or make someone more supportive. It almost doesn't matter why your husband is sabotaging you. You have to decide in advance how you'll handle these situations. You can scoop ice cream into a bowl and let it melt, then dump it in the sink. or scoop it directly into the garbage. Or throw some pizza away, if you want to have a limited amount first. I freeze slices of pizza.

    Trying to "win" the argument isn't my style. I just stopped eating the stuff. It's unfair of a husband or wife to do this to their spouse, but the most important thing is that you not get derailed, so just assume HIS behavior's not going to change. How are you going to handle it so you meet your goals?
  • MustBeTheRows
    MustBeTheRows Posts: 377 Member
    Options
    Maybe you should withhold sex.
  • nicescent
    nicescent Posts: 44
    Options
    When I started racing my wife always stayed home and was not willing to excercise or to come with me. After 2 years she felt lonely when I was out running with friends. She finally decided to join me and my friends. Now she has done 7 Marathons and wants to run one in every state. I will follow her. My point is that it may take some time before your husband understands that you need to excercise. Try to do it with a group of friends and show your husband how much fun you have. One day it will want to join you. Good luck.
  • sunnyside1213
    sunnyside1213 Posts: 1,205 Member
    Options
    I am sorry this is being made so hard for you. Can you talk to people at Weight Watchers? Could you team up with a friend to exercise as in, "I am going out with Susie for a while." It sounds like there are some underlying issues. Maybe some counseling would help you both understand why the sabotage.

    I know what you mean about the unexpected food. My BF buys all my favorites when we are together. (Cheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeese) Fortunately, he lives in another state or I would weigh 300 lbs.
  • WhittRak
    WhittRak Posts: 572 Member
    Options
    Tell him to gtf over it.
  • juwan24
    juwan24 Posts: 27
    Options
    Maybe you should withhold sex.

    Better yet, withold sex until you hit your goal. He'll be driving you to the gym every night
  • dfborders
    dfborders Posts: 474 Member
    Options
    Talk and communicate. Try do to this without losing your temper. Rehearse what you want to say and the questions you want to ask. Understand that he may not open up to you right away. I will usually ask my husband if I can have a few minutes to talk to him without him interrupting me but just listening. I then tell him he doesn't have to talk about it right now - he can have some time to process and then we can talk. Sometimes we talk then and there, sometimes we a talk a little bit then and then in a few days more and sometimes it will be a few days before we talk about it. But the point is it is out in the open and not eating at you as bad and sometimes that is over half the battle. Good Luck:flowerforyou:
  • sculley
    sculley Posts: 2,012 Member
    Options
    My ex husband was this way....which is why he is an EX....if he would offer me my favorite food and I thanked him but informed him I couldn't that day he would throw a fit and get butt hurt.

    In the beginning my husband would do the same thing with bringing food to bed he intelligently got the hint when I would tell him I am watching my calories...He doesnt offer anymore.:laugh:

Categories