Unsupportive Spouse

I think I'm finally at wits end :( I've been doing weight watchers in the last few weeks and really trying hard to find time for workouts but my husband is sabotaging me at EVERY step. I'm good with my breakfast and lunches because I'm not usually around him for those but dinners he'll bring home pizza (specifically the kind only I like and he doesn't) or my favorite ice cream as if I'll love him to death for thinking of me, when really I think he just wanted that food and is using me as an excuse. And on top of him undermining my food efforts he's been whining a lot about how he thinks I want to spend too much time running or going to the gym. Mind you, at the moment, I walk the dog for 15 minutes a couple times a day and I'm very lucky if I can get to the gym or out running for a couple miles ONCE a week. Ideally I'd like to spend 30-45 minutes doing some kind of workout 5-6 times a week. I don't think I'm asking for too much time to do this and I'm doing it so I can be healthy. We don't have kids or anything so to me it just seems like he's being needy and if the tables were reversed, I'd be behind him 100% and encouraging him the entire way. I'm to the point where I might just sneak out to hit the gym or wait until he's gone for work to go even if it is super inconvenient for me to do so. Anyone out there in a similar boat? What'd you do to work around it or get your significant other on board?
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Replies

  • MissAnjy
    MissAnjy Posts: 2,480 Member
    My husband was very unsupportive. He'd gripe & complain anytime I wanted to workout, and would sabotage my eating habits. Much the same as you're describing. He would make me feel guilty for exercising for 30 MINUTES a day and would imply that I was "taking time away from my kids" and not being a great mother because of it, etc.

    I divorced him.
  • devil_in_a_blue_dress
    devil_in_a_blue_dress Posts: 5,214 Member
    I think you should directly ask him why he is trying to sabotage you. If he says he isn't, tell him what he is doing feels that way. Sometimes spouses get insecure -- like "If she loses weight she'll leave me". To an extent that is understandable -- he's acting like am immature jerk.
  • meg7399
    meg7399 Posts: 672 Member
    Well, I am not sure if he is unsupportive or just plain dumb...and sadly I think its the latter. My BF would often try to be nice by getting something I like to eat or make plans to spend time by watching a movie. This was just him trying to be a nice BF and not even thinking that these things go against my plans to lose weight. I just had to break it down to him...he had no idea. Boys don't think in the most logical ways (and no not all boys...please don't attack me for this!) I also make it understandable for him. He works outside all day doing manual labor, so he doesn't get that when I get off work I want to run. I just tell him he got his physical time and I need mine....THEN we chill on the couch and relax together. Its about finding the right balance.
  • staceyseeger
    staceyseeger Posts: 778 Member
    It breaks my heart to hear stories like yours. :cry: :cry: :cry:

    I have the most wonderful, supportive husband. The biggest compliment from him is "if he ever catches me, it's off to a padded room in a straight jacket" He thinks I'm absolutely out of my mind with some things that I do, but let me tell you...he's loving the results! :wink: :wink: :wink:

    Good luck to you, sweetie! :flowerforyou: :flowerforyou:
  • auticus
    auticus Posts: 1,051 Member
    My sweety inspires me and supports me as I do her. We are both active. I wouldn't have it any other way. Unsupportive spouses, especially in this realm where you're trying to get healthier, are being selfish IMO.

    Being together means being a team, not an anchor.
  • AJ_Pete
    AJ_Pete Posts: 863 Member
    I think I'm finally at wits end :( I've been doing weight watchers in the last few weeks and really trying hard to find time for workouts but my husband is sabotaging me at EVERY step. I'm good with my breakfast and lunches because I'm not usually around him for those but dinners he'll bring home pizza (specifically the kind only I like and he doesn't) or my favorite ice cream as if I'll love him to death for thinking of me, when really I think he just wanted that food and is using me as an excuse. And on top of him undermining my food efforts he's been whining a lot about how he thinks I want to spend too much time running or going to the gym. Mind you, at the moment, I walk the dog for 15 minutes a couple times a day and I'm very lucky if I can get to the gym or out running for a couple miles ONCE a week. Ideally I'd like to spend 30-45 minutes doing some kind of workout 5-6 times a week. I don't think I'm asking for too much time to do this and I'm doing it so I can be healthy. We don't have kids or anything so to me it just seems like he's being needy and if the tables were reversed, I'd be behind him 100% and encouraging him the entire way. I'm to the point where I might just sneak out to hit the gym or wait until he's gone for work to go even if it is super inconvenient for me to do so. Anyone out there in a similar boat? What'd you do to work around it or get your significant other on board?


    Seems like he's having more of an issue with himself than with you. For whatever reason, he's sabotaging you because he doesn't want you to lose the weight. Maybe he's afraid of you getting hotter and losing interest in him.... or that you're getting better and he's feeling stagnant.... whatever the reasoning, talk to him about it. Don't be irrational, or yell.... but try to understand why he's doing it and try to explain why you want this for yourself. I'm sure you both can meet somewhere in the middle.....

    Best of luck!
  • SmallMimi
    SmallMimi Posts: 541 Member
    Can you get up earlier and exercise before he is up and about?
  • Bobby_Clerici
    Bobby_Clerici Posts: 1,828 Member
    Fitness and health is paramount to both me and the wife. She's on MFP too.
    If I were in your situation, I'd probably suck it up, work on myself, then once I was in peak condition, evaluate whether to remain together. When we are fit, that opens a lot of doors.
    Good Luck.
  • thepanttherlady
    thepanttherlady Posts: 258 Member
    Your husband may be feeling insecure with the healthy choices you're making for yourself. Maybe he feels you're going to get healthier and leave him?

    Time to sit down and have a discussion with him. It's ok if he doesn't want to join you in healthier food choices, or even to work out (have you asked him to?) but reassure him you love him and aren't going anywhere. :)

    Perhaps you can also let him know how much you appreciate his thoughtfulness (even if his motives aren't pure...but we don't know that yet) and give him new ideas of what he can bring that are healthy and will help you stick to your goal.

    Good luck. I'm sure this is very difficult but you can do it!
  • supplemama
    supplemama Posts: 1,956 Member
    Don't inconvenience yourself. Keep up a regular workout routine that works for you. If he brings home junk or stuff you don't eat right now, just ignore it. You don't have to eat it.

    I think many spouses are uncomfortable with their spouses changing in a way that will improve them because then THEY will have to get on board or get left behind...or least that is how it feels to them. But you can be understanding of his fears without allowing him to keep you overweight. YOU control you; what you do, what you eat, how you live, that's all up to you.
  • recoiljpr
    recoiljpr Posts: 292
    I'm not in the same boat, actually generally both of us end up having to take turns with the "prime" gym time (6-7 pm) due to us having 4 kids.

    I wonder, could your husband possibly be jealous and just not admitting it? I'm wondering if he's not seeing you trying to turn your life around and sees himself not doing the same. Due to that, it makes him frustrated at himself for not doing it, and therefore he halo's that frustration onto you. I would assume it's jealousy at play here. He would feel better if you went back to the old way, so he doesn't have to feel bad about not doing the same thing as you are.

    In the end, you can only lead a horse to water, you can't make it drink. Maybe try having a calm and direct conversation with him. Ask him what his reasons are for being frustrated at you for trying to change your life. My suggestion is don't take a superior tone with him, nor a "mother" type tone. Listen more then speaking at first.

    As far as food, that's something you will have to learn to fight. Because you are on a lifestyle change doesn't mean everyone around you is going to change as well. You have to learn to tell yourself no, and ignore it. With us having 4 kids, there are ALWAYS "bad" foods/drinks around our house. We have just had to learn to ignore them and keep on trucking.

    Just a thought...
  • beauty2323
    beauty2323 Posts: 70 Member
    I'm not in a similar boat but I think you need to have a talk with him.
    Sometimes men can jealous at the silliest things.... & they'll often hide it.
    He may be jealous that your spending "so much" time at the gym.. or he's insecure that you would get even hotter with your new lifestyle & won't want to be with him anymore. Of course he won't ever admit it!

    Anyway I think you need to talk to him... even suggest that he goes to the gym with you cause its easier when your both on the same page. If he objects then simply tell him... I need to workout for me... to be healthier & be sexier for you.. ( you got to throw that in there to make him feel wanted :laugh: & important!)

    With the food I'm sorry to say but you have to deal with it. There's also going to be unhealthy foods around.. events..parties..bdays...etc.. Have your healthy snacks & go run out to the store and get your salad when he brings home pizza & ice cream. or simply if you have the time & are up for it cook up your own meal.

    Days when you can't go to the gym get some workout Dvds... even let him watch so he can see how serious you are.
  • cloud2011
    cloud2011 Posts: 898 Member
    Hmmm. My husband is very supportive in what he says, but not what he does. He will still make or buy trigger foods, or just cook with too much fat, even when I ask about. Fortuntately, I work around it, but it's still frustrating.

    I think the thing is, we can't control anyone else's behavior or make someone more supportive. It almost doesn't matter why your husband is sabotaging you. You have to decide in advance how you'll handle these situations. You can scoop ice cream into a bowl and let it melt, then dump it in the sink. or scoop it directly into the garbage. Or throw some pizza away, if you want to have a limited amount first. I freeze slices of pizza.

    Trying to "win" the argument isn't my style. I just stopped eating the stuff. It's unfair of a husband or wife to do this to their spouse, but the most important thing is that you not get derailed, so just assume HIS behavior's not going to change. How are you going to handle it so you meet your goals?
  • MustBeTheRows
    MustBeTheRows Posts: 377 Member
    Maybe you should withhold sex.
  • nicescent
    nicescent Posts: 44
    When I started racing my wife always stayed home and was not willing to excercise or to come with me. After 2 years she felt lonely when I was out running with friends. She finally decided to join me and my friends. Now she has done 7 Marathons and wants to run one in every state. I will follow her. My point is that it may take some time before your husband understands that you need to excercise. Try to do it with a group of friends and show your husband how much fun you have. One day it will want to join you. Good luck.
  • sunnyside1213
    sunnyside1213 Posts: 1,205 Member
    I am sorry this is being made so hard for you. Can you talk to people at Weight Watchers? Could you team up with a friend to exercise as in, "I am going out with Susie for a while." It sounds like there are some underlying issues. Maybe some counseling would help you both understand why the sabotage.

    I know what you mean about the unexpected food. My BF buys all my favorites when we are together. (Cheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeese) Fortunately, he lives in another state or I would weigh 300 lbs.
  • WhittRak
    WhittRak Posts: 567 Member
    Tell him to gtf over it.
  • juwan24
    juwan24 Posts: 27
    Maybe you should withhold sex.

    Better yet, withold sex until you hit your goal. He'll be driving you to the gym every night
  • dfborders
    dfborders Posts: 474 Member
    Talk and communicate. Try do to this without losing your temper. Rehearse what you want to say and the questions you want to ask. Understand that he may not open up to you right away. I will usually ask my husband if I can have a few minutes to talk to him without him interrupting me but just listening. I then tell him he doesn't have to talk about it right now - he can have some time to process and then we can talk. Sometimes we talk then and there, sometimes we a talk a little bit then and then in a few days more and sometimes it will be a few days before we talk about it. But the point is it is out in the open and not eating at you as bad and sometimes that is over half the battle. Good Luck:flowerforyou:
  • sculley
    sculley Posts: 2,012 Member
    My ex husband was this way....which is why he is an EX....if he would offer me my favorite food and I thanked him but informed him I couldn't that day he would throw a fit and get butt hurt.

    In the beginning my husband would do the same thing with bringing food to bed he intelligently got the hint when I would tell him I am watching my calories...He doesnt offer anymore.:laugh:
  • Randyamc
    Randyamc Posts: 365 Member
    Sadly I never understand it when things like this happen. Don't get me wrong, I know they do and far to often. He's your husband, to me that means the two of you communicate freely and openly. I would personally recommend sitting down and have a heart to heart with him. One of two things will happen if you don't. You'll snap or quit because you didn't want to rock the boat. Never forget how important you, your goals and your dreams are! Best of luck to you!
  • fittertanme
    fittertanme Posts: 259 Member
    its nice that he is thinking of you but sit him down and tell him how you feel and if that dont help then kick his but and tell hime you want to change for you and stick to your goals you can do it
  • SenshiV
    SenshiV Posts: 131 Member
    Let him understand this is not an appearance matter but a serious health issue, then get him under that statement, doesn't he want you to be healthier?

    I seriously believe he is insecure, and by doing this he's showing why you would have reasons to leave him at some point.

    Just never forget, everyone deserves someone who loves you, but that also supports you, otherwise, something is missing there...
  • Jesea
    Jesea Posts: 376 Member
    I think my husband hasn't quite caught up with "New Me" yet. When I was not eating as healthy, not counting my calories and watching my carbs, etc., bringing home some extra dessert was a real treat for me. He still does that, and I struggle to remind myself that he was thinking of me, and trying to do something nice for me. I try to gently steer him toward healthier ways to show he loves me, such as putting the boys to bed so I can go for a walk/run. And when we're out with friends, he always encourages me to relax and enjoy myself, and in the past, that has meant more food and alcohol than I want now. That's frustrating because I have to decline, and we're with other people. But I have to hold my ground if I'm going to get this done, and I have to be patient with him as I do. It takes time to change habits!
  • NJGmywholewrld
    NJGmywholewrld Posts: 123 Member
    I can completely relate to what you are saying. There is no doubt in my mind that my husband loves me, but, I think that he prefers me overweight and with low self esteem. He, as well, will bring home all of my favorites and think that he is doing a good thing. When I bring it to his attention, his response, "Just have a little." There is no such thing as, "Just have a little"! I am trying to work on an addiction here. I came to MFP because honestly, I have no support whatsoever form anyone. I can tell you though, it all stems from insecurities. Imagine what is running through their minds, "She is looking great-if I see it, what are other men thinking?" I wish ya a world of luck, but remember....Do not give up on yourself!!
  • Cindym82
    Cindym82 Posts: 1,245 Member
    My boyfriend does the same crap, drives me crazy. only saving grace is he works over nights so when I get off of work he's usually sleeping so I hit the gym directly from work and don't wake him up until after i've cooked, that way i'm sure a clean meal. Occasionally he'll wake up and make some unhealthy food for dinner and bug me a million times of when i'll be home and weekends forget it....all down hill. And he's skinny and he knows my tummy fat bothers me and he'll come in with his flat stomach and say "i think i'm getting fat" and i'll lose it grab my stomach fat and go reeeeeeally????? REALLY? you think you're fat??? roll my eyes and leave the room, than he'll be like a puppy with his tail between his legs and say babe you look good you can tell ur tummy is getting smaller.....and no matter how much I try and explain how much this pisses me off he doesn't listen
  • KansasRain
    KansasRain Posts: 65
    my husband was this way for the first 4 months i was doing this, so much so that i gave up. eventually he started to notice the changes in my attitude and how i felt about myself when i had given up compared to how i was when i was really trying hard to be healthy. we talked about it and i let him know how important this is to me, how bad i feel about myself for how unhealthy and over weight i am and how happy i am when i work out or eat right because i can feel the changes in my body. i even broke down a little and almost cried when i was telling him how bad it makes me feel when he doesn't support me and it really seemed to open his eyes, he has promised that for now on we can buy and eat only healthy food and he will be supportive of my work outs and help with our daughter when i need extra time or when im cooking.

    However he did tell me WHY he was so anti-healthy, for him it was because i went from eating when i wanted to only eating when i was ACTUALLY hungry and he didn't think that was often enough, he looked at it as me starving myself because he didn't understand, it was also because i went from cooking US meals and eating together to cooking MY meals and eating at the times i set for myself. He also hated that i went from sitting around doing nothing but computer and vid games with him to getting up and being active outside, mowing the lawn, walking the dog, playing with our daughter in the yard, and he sleeps all day (he works over nights) and i use to sleep with him but now i don't because its important for me to get a healthy nights rest and stay active all day. basically i started changing the way i live and he felt left out and didn't understand the importance behind it.

    now we have met in the middle, i wake up at 8am when he gets home and we a healthy breakfast as a family. then we have a shower together and he goes to bed, which is when i pick up the yard or play with our daughter or w/e else i have planned to keep me active, then i make us a lunch and wake him up so we can eat together again, and we play some games or go out together and then we have dinner as a family and he goes to bed to get a nap before work and i do my elliptical at that time, then i wake him up for work and stay up with him while he gets ready and leaves then i relax, put our daughter to bed and do the same. so i guess my epic long post is just saying TALK to him, explain your side in a way he will understand it and LISTEN to him about how he feels, then work on a compromise.
  • sshap21712
    sshap21712 Posts: 139
    My wife wasn't the most supportive and would bake these calorie rich desserts and ice creams and then whine when I wouldn't eat them. But age caught up with her and she started packing on pounds. So I stopped having sex with her. Now she's in the gym with me!
  • clarkeje1
    clarkeje1 Posts: 1,641 Member
    I would tell him to F off and if he doesn't like it he can kiss my *kitten*!
  • NewChristina
    NewChristina Posts: 250 Member
    Don't inconvenience yourself. Keep up a regular workout routine that works for you. If he brings home junk or stuff you don't eat right now, just ignore it. You don't have to eat it.

    I think many spouses are uncomfortable with their spouses changing in a way that will improve them because then THEY will have to get on board or get left behind...or least that is how it feels to them. But you can be understanding of his fears without allowing him to keep you overweight. YOU control you; what you do, what you eat, how you live, that's all up to you.

    Well said!