Unsupportive Spouse

13

Replies

  • Jappenz
    Jappenz Posts: 12 Member
    :(
  • colderwildgirl
    colderwildgirl Posts: 3
    My husband was very unsupportive. He'd gripe & complain anytime I wanted to workout, and would sabotage my eating habits. Much the same as you're describing. He would make me feel guilty for exercising for 30 MINUTES a day and would imply that I was "taking time away from my kids" and not being a great mother because of it, etc.

    I divorced him.

    OMG this made me laugh.:wink:
    I'm glad you were strong enough to do what was right for yourself and your children.
    Well done.
  • Kara_xxx
    Kara_xxx Posts: 635 Member
    Interesting article:

    http://www.sparkpeople.com/resource/motivation_articles.asp?id=1187

    It's not at all unusual. I hope you can sort it out.

    I also have a dog and often take her running... She needs to go out anyway, so we just go a bit longer than the usual quick walk, but it doesn't interfere with couple time. Not that my OH would be bothered cos he's not like that. He often comes running with me but he is much faster, so we run opposite loops around a lake and we wave when we pass each other or have a kiss.... :laugh: Could you get some bikes or something? There must be something he could join in with?
  • DonniesGirl69
    DonniesGirl69 Posts: 644 Member
    Getting healthy and fit and losing weight takes time and dedication. My spouse was supportive in the beginning, but the more I lost and the more I got "into" running and working out, the moer he would guilt me for not spending time with him.

    Understand, for the first 8 years of our marriage, everything I did was FOR him and ABOUT him....now, all of a sudden, I was doing for me and he wasn't getting the attention he'd grown accustomed to. I tried to compromise, to spend more time watching movies with him, baking with him, I cooked what HE wanted for dinner, regardless of whether it was healthy or not. Because of that, I gained back almost all of the weight I'd lost.

    We then tried therapy, but I couldn't make him understand that I was doing this for ME because I was unhappy and that I wanted his support.

    In the end, I left.......I couldn't stay in that situation because I'd have caved and done what he wanted and that would have put me right back at 250 pounds, depressed and feeling like s***.

    Now, a year after I left, I've completed a half marathon, joined a running club, I'm down 90 pounds all told and I'm fitter, happier and healthier than I've ever been and I'm surrounded by friends who love and support me in everything that I set out to do.
  • Shannon2714
    Shannon2714 Posts: 843 Member
    I'm sorry...this sucks. I don't get much support, either. My take on it is that he is selfish and doesn't want you doing something that doesn't revolve around him. Definitely keep it up, you should be proud of yourself! Try to ignore him and the food he brings home. Whatever he doesn't eat, throw in the trash...maybe he'll get tired of the wasted money...

    Good luck!!!
  • marie_cressman
    marie_cressman Posts: 980 Member
    i haven't had time to read through all of the comments, but i'm commenting now and will come back later. ;)

    OP, i'm having a "similar" issue. my husband (bless his heart) doesn't like hearing about my weight loss or my workouts or diet. how do i know? he told me so. :) anyhow, i've decided that i will not talk to him about any of it unless he asks (like when i went to the nutritionist and he asked how it went). he's not into working out the same way i am. a friend asked if he was a little uncomfortable with my weight loss because he thinks i may try to "stray". i sure as hell hope not because if that's the case he's a complete moron. LOL i love that man more than is probably humanly possible. i'm his #1 fan and i try to let him know that every day. even if they act like the most confident person, most people have insecurities. it's possible that he's a bit insecure and is afraid you changing the way you look means you may change the way you feel about him. just my thoughts for now until i can continue to read through posts.
  • cataplexyfever
    cataplexyfever Posts: 49
    I felt also that my husband was very unsupportive of my weightloss efforts. I know, as another poster mentioned, that a lot of his behaviors were habitual (bringing me or encouraging me to order certain foods that I enjoyed, made me happy) but ultimately he was/is just a very insecure, selfish, manipulative person and that eventually became apparent in other areas of our marriage as well. I left him and I'll be divorced as of July 5.
  • cataplexyfever
    cataplexyfever Posts: 49
    Getting healthy and fit and losing weight takes time and dedication. My spouse was supportive in the beginning, but the more I lost and the more I got "into" running and working out, the moer he would guilt me for not spending time with him.

    Understand, for the first 8 years of our marriage, everything I did was FOR him and ABOUT him....now, all of a sudden, I was doing for me and he wasn't getting the attention he'd grown accustomed to. I tried to compromise, to spend more time watching movies with him, baking with him, I cooked what HE wanted for dinner, regardless of whether it was healthy or not. Because of that, I gained back almost all of the weight I'd lost.

    We then tried therapy, but I couldn't make him understand that I was doing this for ME because I was unhappy and that I wanted his support.

    In the end, I left.......I couldn't stay in that situation because I'd have caved and done what he wanted and that would have put me right back at 250 pounds, depressed and feeling like s***.

    Now, a year after I left, I've completed a half marathon, joined a running club, I'm down 90 pounds all told and I'm fitter, happier and healthier than I've ever been and I'm surrounded by friends who love and support me in everything that I set out to do.

    Sounds so much like my situation. I think I lost 12 pounds the first month as soon as I left my husband and I'm sure a lot of that was just because I was under so much less stress being away from him.
  • shanise06
    shanise06 Posts: 8
    This post took the exact thoughts out of my mind! I was arguing with my hubby last night b/c he sits down in the living room eating an ice cream sandwich, and carrying a large rice crispy bar. Both things I LOVE. I'm doing the slim-fast 3-2-1 diet to just start weight loss, so it's much more strict than most diets. I confronted him about it and his response was "I can't ever do what I want to do!" Oh go cry me a river! I told him he can eat whatever he wants when he's at work, but be a little more sensitive sir! Geesh! *deep breath* it felt good to vent.
  • fitnfancy80
    fitnfancy80 Posts: 251 Member
    At first my husband would roll his eyes when I said i was going to workout or he would want to eat at buffets all the time. But once he saw that regardless of how much grief he gives me i was going to stick to my goal anyway he backed off. Heck he even bought a weight bench for "US"...lol. Just give it time and stick to with it. He'll come around.
  • Hellbent_Heidi
    Hellbent_Heidi Posts: 3,669 Member
    Another thing you could do is ask him if there's something he might enjoy doing WITH you (maybe tennis, or biking....or something else you can do after work and on weekends together). Maybe he will realize you're not doing this to get away from him...but to get healthier and feel better.
  • cmeade20
    cmeade20 Posts: 1,238 Member
    I think you guys need to sit down and seriously talk. If he doesn't take you seriously you're going to have to be a hardass and put your foot down. You have the right to eat healthy and workout despite the job,hubby and kids. Its not unreasonable to go for a 30 min job daily. And Im sorry walking the dog as I see it is you handling a family responsibility, not doing something for yourself.
  • Leslietheriot
    Leslietheriot Posts: 303 Member
    I have been through this as well. My husband would pull up at a fast food place or bring it home and after me begging and pleading with him to stop and hearing that it was my choice to eat it or not...I put my foot down. Pull up in front of the burger place and I am sitting in the car. Bring pizza home and I will make a salad. I felt like if he was going to be defiant then I was too. Now that it is "swim suit season", he is all for me losing the weight. Funny how that works.
  • morgansmom02
    morgansmom02 Posts: 1,131 Member
    Once he sees that you are happier and you look amazing, he will get used to the fact that you work out. If he doesn't like that you are looking better, then he might have jealousy issues.
  • kiminikimkim
    kiminikimkim Posts: 746 Member
    Try marriage councelling
  • 1harleygal
    1harleygal Posts: 226 Member
    :mad: You need to take the time to excercise even if you husband doesn't like it; this is about you taking care of you!! I would suggest having a sit down with him to discuss it & see if he is doing this on purpose just in case he doesn't realize what he is doing.:mad:
  • PanteraGirl
    PanteraGirl Posts: 566 Member
    Sound like he is insecure....how is his physical health? Maybe he feels like you getting fit will bring attention from other guys and he is being jealous.

    Bottom line....he should be supportive of your journey to being healthy. If he is trying to sabotage you...then think of what else he might do in the future to sabotage your other wants and needs you may have.

    Take care of you....and he needs to deal with it...Don't stop because of him. That is not a healthy relationship.
  • Ljordan_fitflow
    Ljordan_fitflow Posts: 64 Member
    The following is probably the best advice from a previous poster. I was definitely in that boat but more so with "food" and not exercise. Until one day I just sat him down, and talked to him about my goals and why they are important to me and for us. It took some adjusting for him to comply. He has been great with adjusting our eating habits, even thought at times it consists of preparing two separating meals and we workout together. He motivates me and I motivate him. Communication is the key.
    Talk and communicate. Try do to this without losing your temper. Rehearse what you want to say and the questions you want to ask. Understand that he may not open up to you right away. I will usually ask my husband if I can have a few minutes to talk to him without him interrupting me but just listening. I then tell him he doesn't have to talk about it right now - he can have some time to process and then we can talk. Sometimes we talk then and there, sometimes we a talk a little bit then and then in a few days more and sometimes it will be a few days before we talk about it. But the point is it is out in the open and not eating at you as bad and sometimes that is over half the battle. Good Luck:flowerforyou:
  • avjv09
    avjv09 Posts: 11
    work out, take care of yourself because you want to better the way you feel..... . but make time for family and friends too. its all about balance.
    if your husband is complaining about you working out too much, make plans for a regular date night,. one day a week that you can set aside for you 2. then you can have the best of both worlds. if that doesnt work, sit down and talk it out. come up with something that works for the both of you. compromise is key in any relationship.
    why wouldnt anyone want their spouse to feel good about themselves? and get a sexy partner in the process? just as long is its not fully taking away time from the relationship.
  • Meadows18
    Meadows18 Posts: 206 Member
    My husband was very unsupportive. He'd gripe & complain anytime I wanted to workout, and would sabotage my eating habits. Much the same as you're describing. He would make me feel guilty for exercising for 30 MINUTES a day and would imply that I was "taking time away from my kids" and not being a great mother because of it, etc.

    I divorced him.

    Ditto, my husband is very unsupportive. He is constantly yelling at me for spending money (even though I'm the bread winner). He is all about himself and doesn't take any consideration into what I do or do for my daughter. I have recently seen a lawyer and am beginning divorce proceedings myself. I'm tired of taking care of 2 children and having to hide anything and everything I do or buy.
  • DangerJim71
    DangerJim71 Posts: 361 Member
    Plan B is talk to my boss about coming in later in the mornings so when we both leave for "work", I go to the gym first and then to work and he's none the wiser. This plans almosts seems easier... haha.

    Thanks again for all the advice and I don't think I will be with holding sex, lol. I don't want him to totally hate me!

    Some men might prefer that to being lied to... which is essentially what plan B is. Really, if you have to lie to him whether it is about shooting herion, an affair, or going to the gym then you may as well do everyone a favor and end the relationship.
  • clarajean123
    clarajean123 Posts: 22 Member
    :explode: Don't sacrifice what already know to be right! Sometimes.......we have to walk alone!
  • mistyladidah
    mistyladidah Posts: 210 Member
    This got long...

    I'm so sorry! Have you tried asking him to bring home a healthier alternative? Like tell him you have a new favorite ice cream, and pick a frozen yogurt or something, and thin crust pizza... I think I saw someone on here say they get a personal size and only eat that? If you call ahead to order the pizza, that would give you some control while still compromising. Make sure he hears you tell him you are grateful for his thoughts, but the things he brings, while they were what you wanted before, they don't feel good inside your stomach now. My husband does something similar... but he straight makes the food... he loves to make doughnuts! :noway: They're amazing, but I've said something enough times that now he's agreed to keep it to once a month or so. Same with other stuff... he has a wok, but instead of light veggies he breads meat and fries it, then makes a delicious sauce and tosses veggies with the meat and sauce. sigh. He makes that more. :grumble: I try to divert to a less sweet sauce and thin breading. I could go on...

    He is better about exercise, but I still do/did it during our son's nap in the afternoon. I work out in the living room, so it's hard to deal with a crazy 3 1/2 yr old underfoot, constantly asking me to do stuff which makes my heart rate go down. If I get the hair to go for a run he'll usually watch the boy though. The main thing he does is not understand how weird I feel when he's lying down on the couch watching videos on the internet while five feet away I'm huffing and grunting and maybe swearing at the chipper voice with my thing on the big TV. I just can't focus. The more I talk and tell him this, the more he seems to understand, but I know he'd rather I was sitting watching shows with him. He gets that I'm trying to better myself, but I still know he's disappointed when I say I'd rather work out and ask him to go watch stuff in the bedroom.

    I don't think you should sneak in exercise. He'll figure it out, and feel betrayed. If he is feeling insecure or jealous or left out (which I think is probable) that would not help anything at all! Plus if he found out you were going to work late, before he knew you were going to the gym who knows what other things he'd assume. If your boss may be ok with you coming late, tell him you want to do that. He may be happy that you are working with him instead of being too rigid (not that you are, just how he may react), and be more willing to work with you. I also agree that sometimes talking about it too much can irritate the partner if they aren't involved in the same hobby, I've experienced it and see it. Just keep making your good eating choices, and work out when YOU want to. Clearly you want this enough, and you have every right to get what you want.
  • marie_cressman
    marie_cressman Posts: 980 Member
    Plan B is talk to my boss about coming in later in the mornings so when we both leave for "work", I go to the gym first and then to work and he's none the wiser. This plans almosts seems easier... haha.

    Thanks again for all the advice and I don't think I will be with holding sex, lol. I don't want him to totally hate me!

    Some men might prefer that to being lied to... which is essentially what plan B is. Really, if you have to lie to him whether it is about shooting herion, an affair, or going to the gym then you may as well do everyone a favor and end the relationship.

    ^^ this... i agree with not lying. when you hide things, it's never good. sit down and talk to him. since my hubs expressed his disinterest in talking about my workouts and diet, i don't talk to him about it. he doesn't tell me "don't exercise", but he just doesn't want to have conversations with me about it. also, have you tried "at home" workouts? i do videos. did insanity and now doing p90x. you don't have to go that "extreme", but walmart and target have some awesome videos for $10!
  • poodlepaws
    poodlepaws Posts: 269 Member
    My husband was very unsupportive. He'd gripe & complain anytime I wanted to workout, and would sabotage my eating habits. Much the same as you're describing. He would make me feel guilty for exercising for 30 MINUTES a day and would imply that I was "taking time away from my kids" and not being a great mother because of it, etc.

    I divorced him.

    DITTO!
  • medicinemantoo
    medicinemantoo Posts: 160
    Shoot him.
  • sullykat
    sullykat Posts: 461 Member
    If he is craving that much attention while you don't have kids, how will he behave when/ if you do have children who litterally take up your whole life? I think you need to talk to him and mutually come to a decision about priorities. You need to be healthy, as does he, and it sounds like he needs to get some perspective on what is important in life. That 1 hour a day at the gym without you is far less than 20 years without you, heaven forbid you get sick from being unhealthy. Maybe try to get him involved with your healthy life style, he may enjoy it...?
  • codycisco
    codycisco Posts: 62
    My husband is alittle of both which is very confusing. He doesnt mind me exercising or getting smaller but he doesnt respect my food choices. I am doing Weight Watchers too and he whines when I wont go to places that dont have something that I will/can eat. But now that he can see a difference in my body he compliments me and makes comments about how much better I look. It sounds to me that he may be a bit insecure in your relationship. I would personally do what is best and most comfortable for me. I am stubborn and if I want something NO ONE will stop me! Good luck to you and dont give up!
  • marie_cressman
    marie_cressman Posts: 980 Member
    Shoot him.

    or throat punch... killing is illegal, but from experience some men like it rough. ;) LOL
  • marywanoKC
    marywanoKC Posts: 176
    Honestly, your health (physical and mental, one isn't more important than the other) is the most important, even over a spouse. My hubby and I don't have kids either, and you and I are the same age. When I began, he flat out told me that he's an indoors, unathletic person, and the gym is the last place he belonged. Now, granted, he took what I asked of him into consideration when it come down to buying food, but at the end of the day?

    1. You have the option to say no. ALWAYS. Ice cream is fun, but who gives a **** if it hurts his feelings because you don't eat something to placate him? Ask him to buy your flowers the next time he wants to be sweet!

    2. You don't need him to hold your hand! Set a good example for him, show him that you have the willpower, and let the unhealthy food sit in the fridge until it's covered with ice an inch thick...lol. Go to the gym when it's convenient for YOU, and then maximize your time and be efficient when you're there. There's no need to spend three hours at the gym!

    Remember what I said about my hubby? Yeah... he's now working out with me four times a week, and he's dropped two inches from his waist, lost a significant amount of stomach fat, his arms are toned, and his stamina is improving. I'm so proud of him! And he says regularly that his improvement is all due to me sticking with it. I try to be humble when he says that I was right. :laugh:

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