Is this mean?
Replies
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I really dont know if this is mean, but it is definitely alot. The good thing about it is we can see your heart and that you mean well. I also got a sense that your mum cares about your journey and her discussing it isnt all out of spite. And finally it seems that weight loss is a sensitive issue for you and thats why you are reacting this way. If that is the case, it would have been easier for you to say that your weightloss journey is a sensitive issue and you would prefer she didnt bring it up so often or mention it to anyone else.
My family and friends discuss my weightloss alot and it doesnt bug me cos i am not sensitive about it. I actually like them talking about the changes they see. Teach your mum how to be more supportive in a way that does not offend you. This feels more like you are closing her off. Its not your fault that its a sensitive issue for you, but also know that when you get to your goal weight, people will notice and talk about it, so either ways it will be talked about whether you like it or not. Try to be a peace with that.
Good job on taking care of your health...keep it up :flowerforyou:0 -
I would give just about anything to have my mom back, faults and all. She's been gone 11 years. No offense, but if that's all you can fault her for, consider yourself very lucky. :flowerforyou:
This is the stance I take on these things. Life is so fleeting. The things about our family that drives us crazy is small in regards to the wonderful things family is. My mom drives me crazy but I'd never change her or nit pick her quirks. She's mine and I am me because she was she.
I think these are good things to write out and process yourself. But a phone call or a lunch would be the best way to handle this.0 -
I just don't know if I would have posted it on the interwebs.......
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Wow! You have a talent for writing! That was so wonderfully put. I agree that it is better to write a letter when discussing these kinds of things than having a face to face conversation. You're right, things can get miscommunicated when it comes to things like this. I don't know you, but I am proud of you for doing this for yourself
Good job!! I will keep you in my thoughts and hope that your mother will respond kindly. 0 -
no, not mean but if i were to receive it id laugh. sorry but i would. its just like you try and be personal and impersonal all at the same time.
if you are close to your mom as indicated, just say what you want to her face. idk why you couldn't. if it were me the next time she asked my weight id be like HOLY HECK MOM LEAVE IT BE! lol but then again my mom is my bestie. plus, i would imagine you prob talk abt it quite a bit and get excited over losses and such. it just seems kind petty to me.
thats my honest opinion.0 -
Not mean at all. It's seems honest and well-thought out. HOWEVER (speaking from personal experience), it will likely be interpreted as "being mean" by the reader.
My mother-in-law is a pushy, overbearing, abusive...etc...etc...person. When my husband tried to communicate verbally with her, she refused to listen; and ultimately, she would argue and scream obscenities, even if he was calm, collected, and attempting an honest dialogue.
In order to to get her to remove herself from our lives and adjust the way she was allowed to participate in our lives, we also wrote her a letter. It was very honest, matter-of-fact, and openly addressed some very harsh realities. She did NOT take kindly to the letter at all.
Before you mail this (or email it), you have to ask yourself if the letter is for you or for her? Is she at a point in her life where she would change? If she isn't going to change, then this letter will not be effective in producing a better relationship. If she is not an open, receptive person, she will likely react the same way my mother-in-law reacted...which was not productive to mending a relationship with her son or building a relationship with her grandchildren.
If the letter is really more for yourself, then it may not be necessary to send...or maybe you do feel it is necessary for you..in order for you to deal with personal issue.
Just expect a ****-storm. I don't regret sending my mother-in-law her letter, nor does my husband regret it. We also do not regret removing a cancerous person from our lives. Your situation may not become so drastic...just use her previous behaviors and attitude in life to guide your decision.0 -
Don't look for acceptance here for how you need to deal with you family situation.
Everyone here may give you their take on it, but it doesn't make their view right or wrong - it's just that....THEIRS. You know best what you need from your relationshsip with your mother. And you know best about what you need regarding your weightloss efforts. Just accept that this is how you feel best to deal with your mom and go with it.
And know that no matter what her response is, in person or in a letter back to you, that you are a strong individual and deserve to be happy!0 -
I'm an awful communicator, so when I have something important to say to my boyfriend, I'll write him a note and read it out loud to him. Then I get to put all my thoughts in a concise manner, and we can discuss it afterwards. He gets to keep the note too. This has worked really well for us. (I did this with my mom once too and it ended really well!) So, I guess I'm saying, don't just send this to her....it would likely not be received well. But if you make time to have a one-on-one with her and then read it out loud, it might be less "mean" and more of a nice gesture that you're confiding in her and love her enough to have that conversation.0
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Had you not specifically asked for opinions I would hold this to myself; you are being really selfish and self centered with your mom. She is obviously very proud of you to ask about your journey every time she sees you-she sees the changes you have made and wants you to know she sees them. Why wouldn't she tell your siblings she has noticed your weight loss or how you look in your clothes??!! Come on, really? Is your relationship SOOOOOOO distant from your siblings that you think you can "hide" your weight loss under your old clothes? Like you are embarrassed that you are losing weight??? I think 99.9999999% of the population that succeeds at losing weight is excited for people to notice and even more so when they recognize it verbally-it is very encouraging to hear people say I look healthy.
Cut your mom some slack for loving you enough to recognize your accomplishments....I am positive that the time you get to spend with her is not exclusively centered around your weight loss unless you keep it focused there.0 -
Not mean. If you've talked to her face to face and she's just ignoring it, then like you said maybe she will read and re-read and hopefully get it. You've mentioned that you loved her and everything but just want her respect in certain areas and if she can't do that or takes this letter the wrong way (be prepared for her to defensively attack you for this letter btw) then I'm afraid theres not much you can do.
Good luck. You and your mom both sounds like wonderful peeps but just like most relationships have a small communication problem 0 -
I just don't know if I would have posted it on the interwebs.......
This x10!0 -
Not knowing your complete situation, I would not know if this is mean or not. It sounds mean to me though. Personally, I would take my mother telling my sister about my weightloss as a compliment, she is proud of you and wants to share your success. I do understand that you have asked her not to, which is where the problem lies. I hope you can work this problem out without damaging your relationship with your mother and siblings because she won't be around forever. I'm not trying to belittle your feelings, because everyone is different and has their own issues, but this is a problem I would love to have.0
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It's not mean so much as a waste of time.
She won't change.
You need to change. Love her, but start distancing yourself.
Good Luck.0 -
Writing this letter out for your personal healing is very therapeutic. I would not send it to her though.
With conflict resolution there are many things to consider. If your mom has been saying things that you deem judgmental and hurtful, she may not be seeing those things as that. She may be seeing it as caring and concerned.
Also, when she discussed your weight loss with others (unless you heard the conversation) she may have been discussing it with the intentions of being proud of you. The way the information and discussion was relayed to you could have been misconstrued. Think of the "telephone game" from childhood. She may have said it with a happy tone, but jealousy on your sibling's part may have relayed it as "gossip and hurt".
I would set up a lunch with her. In her home so she doesn't feel confronted. Talk with her.
Next time (after you talk with her) she says something along the lines of your clothing, weight loss, personal issues or appearance, simply state "I am feeling great about my progress and think I am doing well." Then change the subject. The more you let the subject linger, the more it will get to you. As with a child, ignore the bad behavior and they will eventually cease to seek attention from that behavior.
As far as her sharing personal information with your siblings, pick and choose what information to share with her. I am extremely close with my mother. I trust her with everything, but I don't share everything with her. The reason for this is because: If she is having a conversation with another member of my family, a subject might some up and there might be an unintentional mention of my situation. I would not blame her for "gossiping" because I don't think that is what she is doing intentionally. I just think moms like to talk about their kids.
I hope your situation gets better and you can enjoy these last few years before retirement.0 -
If you decide to send the letter (your call), I would only suggest a few things...
Instead of saying words like "you must, should, need to, etc..." I would choose a less defensive (yes, passive) language.
I think we can both agree that no one likes for their weight to be pointed out to others...
I hope you can understand my feelings about x, y, z.
I would appreciate it so much if my weight weren't discussed with the family (rather than, if you stopped talking about my weight).
Now, in business writing or really anything that you write to someone other than your mama, I would NEVER recommend that approach. But b/c it's your mama, that's the language I would use to diffuse, not inflame a situation.0 -
ummm I don't understand why her mentioning you losing weight to your brother or sister is a bad thing? I don't know if there are other issues at play here, but I don't care who knows I am losing weight, and also am pleased if people ask me how it's going. I also would ask my friends, family etc if they had been weighed if I knew they were actively dieting, and I know people who have asked me and i am happy to share, so if I am honest I think just saying to your Mum that you are feeling very sensitive is probably the way to go, because other than that, there is a lot of things that you don't like that are quite normal for many people, and she might get what you are ultimately saying is 'I am very VERY sensitive about my weight and appearance, please support me in this but not making me feel so conscious of it'...that's pretty much all you need to say I feel.
Unless there are other issues at play here, I think you need to just say that, and not send the letter, which to me, not knowing the whole story, or your situation obviously, I think its too much.
^^^ this. I'm also losing weight. I know I'm the topic of conversations between my sisters and my mom. I don't know your family dynamic so perhaps it's different but in my case they are talking about me because they are proud of me. They ask what I weigh now because they are excited for me. It's like asking an honor student if they got their report card yet. They want to hear good news.
The judging your appearance and looking at you as if you are a prize heifer at the state fair is a whole other matter. Obviously talking to her hasn't changed anything. I don't think writing a letter will do anything more than cause a hurt and resentment. It's something a young teen would do, not an adult. However, if you really need to get the point across that you hate that (and I would too) perhaps some humor or sarcasm would work. Again, my family dynamic is probably quite different than yours but if my mom did that and the next time I went over I wore a bathing suit for her "inspection" and handed her a tape measure she would not only get the hint but she'd stop the inspections and realize how hurtful she had been. If a bathing suit is too uncomfortable for you try holding your arms out and rotating slowly for her "inspection".
^^^ This0 -
Had you not specifically asked for opinions I would hold this to myself; you are being really selfish and self centered with your mom. She is obviously very proud of you to ask about your journey every time she sees you-she sees the changes you have made and wants you to know she sees them. Why wouldn't she tell your siblings she has noticed your weight loss or how you look in your clothes??!! Come on, really? Is your relationship SOOOOOOO distant from your siblings that you think you can "hide" your weight loss under your old clothes? Like you are embarrassed that you are losing weight??? I think 99.9999999% of the population that succeeds at losing weight is excited for people to notice and even more so when they recognize it verbally-it is very encouraging to hear people say I look healthy.
Cut your mom some slack for loving you enough to recognize your accomplishments....I am positive that the time you get to spend with her is not exclusively centered around your weight loss unless you keep it focused there.
You can't automatically assume that her mom is proud of her weight loss. Some parents are simply critical of everything their child does. Some do not offer support, but instead look for ways to prove failure. Given the OP's obvious sensitivity, it doesn't seem like a far stretch to imagine her mother has been less than supportive throughout her lifetime.0 -
Actually I just reread your letter...here's a suggestion. It sounds like you do have a good foundation of a relationship. Maybe you could send her the first part of the letter...and stop before you outline what you need from her. When you communicate that you need some help from her...maybe cutting it off at that point will allow for her to ask you what you need; and give her a sense of ownership and responsibility in the relationship.
I think I would definitely stop before the bullet points...save that for a time where she asks what she can do to help you. that would prevent any feelings of being attacked or blind-sided. Asking for help (and not telling her immediately what you need), will set-up an entirely different dynamic then laying everything out on the line immediately...just my opinion.0 -
I am envious of your ability to even talk to your mom (or write to your mom) about your issues... if I had to write a letter to my mom, it would say something like: "please stop calling me worthless. please stop trying to control my life and telling me how to raise my daughter. please stop the passive aggressive behavior to get me to be your personal slave... no, i can't come over every day and do your housework and yard work, cook for you, shop for you, and take your car to put gas in it. please stop calling me 10-12 times EVERY DAY, especially while i'm at work. please stop calling me names and treating me like i'm 5. please stop hanging up on me when I tell you I'm busy and can't drop everything to cater to your needs. and, finally, please stop using my dad's death as a way to justify your nasty behavior...we're all hurting and miss him."
honestly, if i would say (or write) those things to her, she would tell me that she gave me life and i owe her... *sigh* such a DESTRUCTIVE and DAMAGING relationship i have with her... i keep her as far away as possible.0 -
:huh:It's not mean so much as a waste of time.
She won't change.
You need to change. Love her, but start distancing yourself.
Good Luck.
Yep. Because estrangement is always preferable.0 -
I'm sorry... And most are going to disagree with me... But you are "hiding" your weight loss and upset your mother asks how much you weigh, yet have it publicly showing here for every pound you lose... If you aren't strong and proud of the person you are, then how can you expect others to see you differently? I've had MANY comments made about my weight loss and I've had to stand up for myself and tell people I am eating healthy and doing what I think is best for MY body... And basically if they don't have anything nice to say they can keep their opinion to themselves... But I've had to say is in a strong and confident manner... Not hide behind a piece of paper...
I wish you well, but first you have to be strong if you want others to see you differently!0 -
It's not malicious. I do think it might be a waste though. Sometimes we just have to accept it when relationships can't be repaired. It worked for me. My mother and I have zero communication and no relationship.
More importantly, you can't change how people are.0 -
Are you accepting any blame? If she tells others your business, then don't tell HER. I also though it sounded VERY rude that you point out that she can keeep re-reading your letter until she gets it. Is she pointing out your weight because she is worried about you? Is she over-weight? If not, is it an insecurity issue on your part? Although what she has done hurts you, it doesn't sound like she is doing it on purpose. if this is the worst your mother has done, then she sounds like an angel. I hate to say it, but your letter sounds more like you have issues then that she has issues.0
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I couldn't be bothered reading the whole thing because its none of my business and also because I think its a bit personal to post.
However: NOTE: my mother in law died very suddenly of a stroke last year. She was 58.
Her daughter (my 38 yr old sister in law) had written her some kind of letter in the same vein, telling her all her wrong doings and what not. Hence they had fallen out and were not speaking when the mother died.
Needless to say this was very traumatic and not a good way to end her relationship with her mother.
My last conversation with my mother in law consisted of her confiding in me at length about just how hurt and upset she was about the letter.
Just saying. Maybe accepting people for who they are is more important than getting your point across.0 -
Are you that distant from your mom that you couldn't say this to her face to face? A letter seems awful cold.
This.
I think a letter is fine. Sometimes, people get way too emotional and sensitive when talking face to face.0 -
if she is anything like my mother she will use this as ammunition against you for the rest of her life. Don't give it to her unless you want to become blackballed in the family.0
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awefully COLD.. writing a letter to ur mom so she stops asking u ur weight???!?! *bangs head on the wall*0
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As a Mom of two adult daughters, if I received a letter like that, I would be hurt and upset.
Written words do not expresses TONE............your letter sounds kind of harsh in areas, and is very accusatory. Your Mom might mean WELL by her actions; she just doesn't see things the same way you do. Don't you think your siblings KNOW you are losing weight? Do you not talk to them about it? If not, why not?
If she is revealing things you've asked her NOT to reveal, then you need to talk to her directly about those things. I had this type of thing happen with my eldest daughter when I left my husband (her father)............she felt I was talking about him to everyone, and that I was blabbing to my siblings about my horrible husband........when in fact, they KNEW all of this stuff before I every opened my mouth. But when she pointed out that it bothered her, I explained my aspect of things, and stopped talking about my relationship with her Dad.
It sounds like your family dynamic needs work all the way around
If she is critical, tell her directly that it hurts your feelings. Help her to understand that it PAINS you........most Moms don't want to hurt their children. Help her to see what YOU see.....instead of being accusatory and upset, give her the opportunity to tell you WHY she says what she says. Maybe she sees it as something GOOD, when you only see bad.
I have a daughter that is overweight. I never, ever say anything to her about it.....she knows what she is, and how she got there. When she wears something cute, I compliment her. When she's lost a few pounds, I notice it. Why add to her misery about it? She will deal with it in her own good time.
I wish you much success with your Mom. Know that she probably deeply loves you, and isn't meaning to hurt you............and also know that Moms leave us, and when they do, you wish to heck that you could just TALK to them again!!!
Much love,
Polly0 -
a lot of people are assuming the mother has been talking about her weight loss in positive terms. the OP didn't say what was being said, or what her relationship with her siblings is like, so we have no idea how her mother speaks about her when she is not there.0
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