Is this mean?

Are you accepting any blame? If she tells others your business, then don't tell HER. I also though it sounded VERY rude that you point out that she can keeep re-reading your letter until she gets it. Is she pointing out your weight because she is worried about you? Is she over-weight? If not, is it an insecurity issue on your part? Although what she has done hurts you, it doesn't sound like she is doing it on purpose. if this is the worst your mother has done, then she sounds like an angel. I hate to say it, but your letter sounds more like you have issues then that she has issues.

This is what I was thinking, rather than asking her to change her behavior, change yours! I hate it when my mom talks to me about weight loss because she can eat whatever and still be a size 4 and I struggle with everything and she likes to point it out, so I've stopped talking to her about what I'm eating/cooking/exercising. That was she can't "use it against me". I don't know your relationship but she's probably unlikely to change....

haven't read any previous comments, so if I repeat something, I apologize. But, after reading this letter there sounds like something a little more wrong with you than your mother. However; if these are your requests, then I'm sure she will respect them.

weight-loss is a big lifestyle change. it affects how you eat, and your social patterns as your activities and general interests change to create a healthy lifestyle. people are often genuinely excited and interested in what's going on in your life when you undertake something like this. if weight-loss were simple, everyone would do it, and it would not be a big deal.

I'm assuming I take your letter as rude because I actually enjoy that people are excited for me, and ask me questions and want advice, etc. It's one of the biggest accomplishments in my short life thus far, so obviously our experiences are different than one another's.

but I do think a mother has the right to tell one sibling how another sibling is doing. or maybe if you communicated with said sibling, mother would not have had to say anything.

these are my opinions, hope she takes to your requests. congrats on your weight-loss, and enjoy your retirement when it comes.

Yikes! Nice letter to keep tucked in your dresser drawer; for yourself. Nobody can make you "feel" like a heifer, or sad, angry,guilty, or any other emotion. You CHOOSE to feel, how you feel. Is it your Mom's fault how you feel? If you don't want stuff passed to your siblings; don't tell your Mom. You are upset because they know about your weight loss? Really? I didn't know that apparent weight loss was a State secret. FYI- we all come from dysfunctional families. Get over yourself, and leave Mom alone.

My dad makes comments about my weight and what I eat (I live with him) and I know he means well, even if it is hurtful. That being said, I deal with these faults because I would be lost without my parents. I usually try to make a joke out of it. As others have said only YOU know how your mother will take things.

I think the last 2 sentences sound very mean. In the beginning you say you know your mother loves you and appreciate her, but then at the end you question her love and come very, very close to giving an ultimatium.

You know the situation and your mother and I don't, but just from the letter alone I'd suggest rewording the ending to reiterate that you believe she is not trying to hurt you and loves you, but that she is, in fact, hurting you unintentionally and that's why you needed to write the letter.

If she doesn't change, you could always be a little more forceful later. But I'd probably keep the tone loving until she's had a chance to react.

I wouldn't know how to handle this. But I think a letter isn't enough. You should talk to her about it and explain it to her in person. If she misunderstands something than you can explain it right then and there. She may not really realize how much it hurts you. If I had a daughter and they wrote me a letter I'd be furious. I would rather things like this be told to my face in any situation. Writing a letter is just hiding behind paper.

I get it. I get the letter. You are correct that sometimes writing something out can give the recipient time to "hear" you. It also gives you the opportunity to grind an ax without immediate consequences.

I'm sorry your mom doesn't respect your boundaries. I think many of us would say "that's what moms do" but you are trying to change that dynamic, and that's your choice.

When you say you are retiring with your husband and "moving away" do you mean moving away from the current city where you live? I assume this is the case. How often do you currently see/visit your mother? Is that going to significantly change when you move away?

Still assuming you live separately from your mom, you do make the choice to visit her, right? Are you providing care for her? Or is she living independently (or with care) without being dependent on you?

The reason I'm asking these questions is that much of what you are talking about depends on you. You don't even have to ask. You get to control and influence almost everything that is bothering you. You can choose what to share with your mom. If you don't want her to share details of your weight loss with other people, and you have asked her not to do that, yet she continues to do so, you can choose to simply not share any details with her. Your choice. You don't have to ask for anything there. She cannot share anything you don't tell her, save for her own personal observations.

If your mother looks at you in a way that is shameful, you have a few choices. You can decide to dig at that shame and work on your own issues of body image, self-esteem, etc. (lot of work, but ultimately very much worth it). Or you can simply not be around your mom. Or limit your exposure to her. Trying to get someone to not look at you a certain way is pretty tough. I recommend either ignoring the looks (and dealing with whatever shame they are triggering) or simply don't be a target for those looks, and limit your exposure to your mom. You are putting too much responsibility on her. She may or may not change. You can change.

You've lost 59 pounds. That's quite an accomplishment. I know stuff with our parents is hard and messy and complicated and dramatic and emotional and sometimes crazy. But you don't have to participate in any of those parts of it. You can elect to participate in the loving parts of the relationship if you want to.

To answer you post title: I do not think you are being mean. But I don't think you are being effective. I think expecting your mom to change is a long-standing battle you might be tired of fighting. And sending her this letter may simply make her mad or hurt her feelings. I hope you focus less on your mom and more on you. I don't know how much your mom will change. But anyone that loses 59 pounds has the strength and determination to make some pretty big changes. Focus on you. You alone have the ability to make this situation better.

Focus on you. You alone have the ability to make this situation better.

^ This.

I am also a big believer in letters when it's not working to just say what you are feeling. I think the letter is kind and gets your point across. However, it sounds like your mother is talking about your weight loss as a positive thing. Although when you say she is inspecting your physique..that is another story. Are you sure your mother discussing your weight loss is a negative thing? Could it be that she is just proud of you?

Regardless, you know the situation far better than any of us. If you are sure that her actions are inappropriate then the letter is fine as it is. It is well-written and seems to be written with love.

May I forward this one to mine !

I think the Biggest Loser trainers would be asking you a different question, "what are you really hiding from?" You are doing a very public thing by getting healthy and losing weight, but it makes you uncomfortable to have it discussed within your own family even? Wearing big sweatshirts to hide your success? Do you think that since you did all the hard work they don't deserve to share in it? I think this is a whole different soul searching issue you need to address with yourself. Maybe you should write your past self a letter instead. Good luck.

I guess you need to ask yourself some questions first.

1.) Is my mom the kind of person who will take this in the spirit in which it is intended, or will she hold it over me the rest of her life and feel that she was wronged by you? Will it help or hurt your relationship?

2.) Is this one of those letters that writing it and getting it "out there" is more helpful than actually sending it? I do this when I am so worked up by something I have to get it out and it is a lot cheaper than therapy.

I did something like this with my dad, who was a very difficult person at times. I spoke to him directly, and he took it all wrong, and it was years before he and I were OK again. I felt better unloading, but he was the type of person who felt that I unloaded my burden onto him, so he had one more thing to moan about. If your mother is like this, this will not have the intended result you desire.

You may get better results calling her out on her behavior each time she does something that offends, rather than all at once in a letter. Again, it all depends on your mom, you know her better than we do.

I hope you and your mother work things out and can have the kind of relationship that you truly want.

Grow up!

You are an adult, she is an adult. While you will always have that mother/daughter dynamic, you are plenty old enough to say "Hey Mom, I love you but please stop talking about my weight, it makes me really uncomfortable." Hell, I've said as much to my mother over other issues and I'm only 26.

You don't need a long, drawn out cry fest about your feelings and self esteem, just tell her the truth and move on.

^^^^^Thank you YES!!!!

Wondering......

How old is Mom?
and
How often do you visit her?

Yikes! Nice letter to keep tucked in your dresser drawer; for yourself. Nobody can make you "feel" like a heifer, or sad, angry,guilty, or any other emotion. You CHOOSE to feel, how you feel. Is it your Mom's fault how you feel? If you don't want stuff passed to your siblings; don't tell your Mom. You are upset because they know about your weight loss? Really? I didn't know that apparent weight loss was a State secret. FYI- we all come from dysfunctional families. Get over yourself, and leave Mom alone.

Oh if only this were true!! If only we really were in complete control of how we feel. Love is an emotion. We can no more prevent feeling hurt when a beloved parent does something that makes us feel belittled or betrayed than we can prevent feeling heartbreak when someone we love leaves.

If you feel love, you will at some point feel hurt.

True; but if you hold unto these feelings through 50 something pounds of weight loss, (and who knows how many years before that), you are now making a CHOICE. As feeling beings we all feel emotion, the question is; what do we do with it? I would submit that the OP is being unfair to herself, and being hurtful to Mom in the process.