Am I being to harsh?

One of my friends is the same and changes plans at the last minute to suit her kids (aged 18 and 20) it has got to the point where she is the last person I contact as the plans will probably fall through anyway. It's a shame because she is good company but she is her own worst enemy, she is always complaining that she never goes out - probably because she does this to all her friends.

I know I've been in this situation where someone's canceled on me (recently, went to the movies alone because my friend canceled unexpectedly. It happens) and I know that there are times I've flaked out when I am too tired or busy and don't want to go out...I try to not do that too often and I don't do it when it's something like concert tickets bought in advance, unless I'm deathly ill.

I really think you need to be having this conversation with your friend, not with a bunch of strangers on the internet forums who don't know the whole situation. We don't know you, we don't know her, you seem to be a little defensive in response the advice you're receiving, and you say that all your friends are like this? You have a lot of flaky friends, in that case

Tell your friend, again: "I'd love to hang out with you when you're available. Please let me know when it is best for you." Put the ball in her court. Don't invite her to do anything for a while. Make some new friends that might be a bit more reliable.

It's not you..... it's me.
Just move on...I'll be OK

THIS may be too harsh, but it needs to be said. You need to understand that you are not a priority to your friend. She is obviously over-taxed and has a lot of crap to do. The truth of the matter is that she is too busy to hang out with you. She shouldn't have to apologize for it. You aren't paying her bills or cleaning her house. However, if she consistently doesn't have time to hang out, stop inviting her. This is the key to success--get over it and go to the lake anyway. Why should you stop your life just because a friend can't go do something? If she's too busy, she'll miss out. You shouldn't sit on your laurels and wait around for her. Eventually she will either--make time for you, or fade away as people in our lives sometimes do. Shrug it off. It's a natural part of life.

I have had this happen to me, but the sad truth is that you might just end up losing a friend over it. After a while, you get frustrated and stop asking. You gotta cut your losses and move on.

Totally agree with Ket_the_jet and Dawnrenee.

She's just not that into you...Plus, if nearly everyone you know is that way--that's a problem. If people are too busy to be with you, it's probably that they're not having much fun.

I'm not trying to trash you, because I used to have this problem in my late twenties. I finally figured out that in my case I was a drag to be around because I complained a lot and was sad a lot and talked mostly about myself. When a topic of conversation turned up, I always related it back to myself. I didn't even realize how this affected other people until I evaluated why more people didn't want to spend time with me.

Over time I watched people I liked to be around and that I saw other people like to be around. They weren't necessarily overly giving, they were just fun. They laughed a lot. They told funny stories. They made other people feel good about themselves by the ways they interacted. They were genuine and upbeat.

I started to change, and changing helped me have a lot more fun too. Now it's almost like second nature. It's not that I'm never serious or needy or bleak--sure, I have my times, but I love life and people love to be around me now. It's a whole lot more fun for everybody.

If it were an isolated incident I'd say cut her some slack...she might just be tired and overwhelmed with things she needs to get done at home. But if she is consistently doing this...then it might be time to take the hint and find another friend.

It bugs me when people use "I have other stuff to do" (ie. errands) as an excuse for bailing on a party at the last minute. But as far as just hanging out goes, it's understandable. And, it sounds like you gave her an out when you said you'd understand if she wasn't feeling up to it. So in this case, it sounds like you're upset that she took the option you gave her. To me, that's silly, since it sounds like you knew there was a good chance of her not hanging out anyway.

You're not being harsh in any way, or even misunderstanding. She has a job, she's tired, has stuff at home, but I highly doubt that makes up her whole life. It just seems, as mean as it may sound, she doesn't want to hang out with you. That may not be true, but if she has made commitments and at the last minute cut, she just doesn't feel the need to make the time. Try hanging out with other friends, or make new friends. It always sucks, but sometimes, friends aren't forever.

You gave her an out and she took it....

why is she to blame for that?

How bout sending her a message and let her know you really miss her and would like to spend some time with her... Tell her that it will be nice and non-stressful and could even include an adult beverage -- I rarely turn down offers like that

I'm not the type of person who wants to start a confrontation, and I really don't want to start an argument...

Then you may have to find a new friend.

Seriously, if you can't talk about it, what are you going to do? Act in such a way that your friend with intuitively guess what you are feeling, then correct her behavior according to guidelines she thinks you might want?

And wait... when she's wrong with her guessing, she should be expected to apologize for not guessing what you want?

TOO MANY PEOPLE ARE AFRAID TO SIMPLY AND HONESTLY ASK FOR WHAT THEY WANT. Some don't really know what they want, most are too afraid to be honest about it.

Why are you asking if you are being harsh? Harsh for what? For posting this story on the forum? What have you said to your friend?

Quit waiting around for an apology and be honest and direct. Just because you have a set of social courtesy rules doesn't mean the rest of the world will have the same ones (or any at all). I don't say that lightly, as I've been in your shoes and had to accept that my standards of behavior aren't necessarily shared by the rest of the world.

I have to assume you want to be friends with this person, otherwise you'd just find a new friend. Be direct. Be honest. You might have to get out of your comfort zone. Start with some version of "This is what I want..."

Find a new friend...seriously....
If somebody says they are going to be somewhere, be there or do not commit.
I had a friend who planned to meet me for tennis, then just never showed up.
No call - no show!
Once, shame on him, but twice?
Shame on me!
I booted that loser from my life and felt glad when later, he lost his job, because I could have connected him with friends that would have got him right back in the workforce. He knew this and called, and I totally ignored him....SWEET!:devil:
Being a lousy friend who can't show up means he'd be a lousy employee, and there is no way I'd recommend him to anybody.

Late for tennis=stay unemployed. That sounds fair. :indifferent:

Of all the advise I have read on here, I think WTK has given you the most accurate and realistic advise. Like WTK said, what is the common denominator? Do some honest soul searching and ask yourself what your expectations are and also what kind of friend you are to others. If your friends are letting you down/disappointing you, perhaps you need to reconsider what friendship is and perhaps find other friends that you have similar interests. If we were to ask those friends what kind of a friend you are, what do you think their answer would be? Even with similar interests, you are not always going to be joined at the hip doing those things together when you want to do them. There are other avenues to meet people with similar interests. Sign up for Meetup and find groups that you are interested in. Find ways to do stuff and still be happy doing with/without friends. Friendship is something that you have to work on and you have to be the friend that you also demand of others. There are also different types of friends so.....

Stop making plans with her.... when she has time let her make plans with you

edit*

Also, friends grow apart sometimes, especially when there are other priorities that take up your time, like work, kids, etc. She probably values her time alone at home more than her time with you, not saying that her constantly making plans and canceling is right, but she might just be trying not to hurt your feelings. Have you ever said "god take the hint already" about someone else. Sorry to say but she might be hoping you get the hint, and stop pressuring her to hang out

Very rarely do people do things "on purpose" to be jerks. While that doesn't make it feel any better when they do it's a part of life. Make some new friends so that you have other options