Tactless Boyfriend!
zozzabubba
Posts: 137 Member
This is more a rant than anything else, but I'm not sure what to do about my boyfriend! He's a super sweet guy and really does love me, but he makes the stupidest comments...
I'm trying to get healthier after years of going backwards and forwards, recovering from an ED and with periods of extreme restriction and over-exercising...I'm coming out of a bad period now and making an effort to eat more and loosen up on the exercise, but I think my boyfriend has just gotten used to that being "just how I am".
Today my lunch was blueberries with greek yogurt, and I was tipping the yogurt into the bowl and he said "wow, you're gonna have the whole thing?" (this is a 0.8 cup serving of yogurt - I used to only allow myself half of that for a meal). I just looked at him and didn't respond, but it kinda shook me up! Then, when I was finishing the bowl, I was scraping it out and he says "oh, you really need every last bit of that don't you?"...I sarcastically responded "oh yes, aren't i just a greedy pig" which made him look awkward...THEN to make matters worse, less than 5 minutes later he asked me what I would be doing at the gym later and I responded "step, zumba, pilates" (each an hour-long class!) and he immediately replied "oh, not swimming today then?". I said "nah, I think I'll be ok with 3 hours today, 4 is a bit of a killer" and he just looked at me, almost like he was disappointed and said "4 isn't that bad. you used to do it all the time, and more!".
He's made comments like this before over the last few weeks, but today was the worst, and I really don't know how to respond! I'm sure he doesn't mean anything by it, and it's just innocent comments on the changes I'm making, but it's making me wonder if he's judging me or worried I'm going to get out of shape (by eating an extra 0.4 cup of yogurt and working out 3 hours a day instead of 4+?!)
...Advice? I would have no idea how to approach the subject if I were to try to talk to him about it, as he knows nothing of my ED past.
I'm trying to get healthier after years of going backwards and forwards, recovering from an ED and with periods of extreme restriction and over-exercising...I'm coming out of a bad period now and making an effort to eat more and loosen up on the exercise, but I think my boyfriend has just gotten used to that being "just how I am".
Today my lunch was blueberries with greek yogurt, and I was tipping the yogurt into the bowl and he said "wow, you're gonna have the whole thing?" (this is a 0.8 cup serving of yogurt - I used to only allow myself half of that for a meal). I just looked at him and didn't respond, but it kinda shook me up! Then, when I was finishing the bowl, I was scraping it out and he says "oh, you really need every last bit of that don't you?"...I sarcastically responded "oh yes, aren't i just a greedy pig" which made him look awkward...THEN to make matters worse, less than 5 minutes later he asked me what I would be doing at the gym later and I responded "step, zumba, pilates" (each an hour-long class!) and he immediately replied "oh, not swimming today then?". I said "nah, I think I'll be ok with 3 hours today, 4 is a bit of a killer" and he just looked at me, almost like he was disappointed and said "4 isn't that bad. you used to do it all the time, and more!".
He's made comments like this before over the last few weeks, but today was the worst, and I really don't know how to respond! I'm sure he doesn't mean anything by it, and it's just innocent comments on the changes I'm making, but it's making me wonder if he's judging me or worried I'm going to get out of shape (by eating an extra 0.4 cup of yogurt and working out 3 hours a day instead of 4+?!)
...Advice? I would have no idea how to approach the subject if I were to try to talk to him about it, as he knows nothing of my ED past.
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Replies
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Sorry...but he sounds like a d##k! he doesnt love you if he's making stupid comments like that after you've had an ED. Im lucky to pull an hour of exercise a day and Im exhausted. In my opinion, you are doing way too much exercise in one day, especially if its one class after the other. maybe do morning ones, then evening ones. Stay strong and dont let him break you.
Just saw he doesnt know about your past. Maybe something you should tell him. Might shut him up.0 -
I disagree. I don't think he means for it to come out quite like it is. Perhaps he is being a little insensitive since you have had an ED in the past, but that's a guy for you.It's silly to spend to much time picking apart little comments.
Don't fret. Just keep doing what you're doing. You're beautiful. As long as he makes you feel that way, then don't let any doubts creep in and steal that from you.0 -
I am so sorry about what happened. I am currently in recovery from an ED so I have been there. How long have you and your boyfriend been together? Are you two seriuos? It might be a good idea to talk to him and be honest. If he doesn't know, and you plan on being with him for a while, he could contiue to provoke ED thoughts and what not which could lead you down a road you don't want to go... if you want to talk about this more, feel free to message me. I hope things get better! Guys can be clueless.0
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Be honest - tell him he's a douche, your opinion on the matter, and that he can go pick up your routines when he gets off his *kitten* and get back to you on his previous thoughtless comments. Try not to get upset if you tell him your thoughts on why he's being so daft, because he may just rub your emotions in your face further since he seems so immature. Sorry if I'm being bold, but this infuriates me.
I can truthfully tell you that you shouldn't worry about his tactless comments because it sounds like you have a extreme routine - that you could probably tone down if you'd like to - and even better body =]0 -
THEN to make matters worse, less than 5 minutes later he asked me what I would be doing at the gym later and I responded "step, zumba, pilates" (each an hour-long class!) and he immediately replied "oh, not swimming today then?".
Three hour-long back to back classes in one day?:frown:
That part jumped at me more than anything else you wrote in your rant.0 -
any man who comments on what a woman eats or her weight in a negative way...its a deal-breaker!
you eat healthy and are active. if he's not supportive of you in this aspect of the relationship, it sounds like this is an area about himself that he might be insecure with.
i wouldnt tell him about your ED history because it doesnt seem like he would be the safest person to tell that to at this point, and he might even become manipulative w/ that type of information. and if you cant trust your partner with these types of issues, then how much foundation in the relationship is there? since you have a pre-existing ED, he sounds like he might trigger that part of you w/ these comments, and might not be the best person to be with. maybe im completely wrong, but i'd be cautious.
stay strong chica!0 -
I really don't know how to respond!
Just ask him!
I've said plenty of stupid tactless things like that, mostly just trying to be funny! He may well have a genuine issue with something but you need to ask him what his problem is.
My wife was in a mood with me for days a few weeks back. She eventually told me what I had done wriong (this time!) Turns out that I had responded to one of her dieting questions with this:
"You wanna lose weight? Stop eating, fatty!"
I laughed, she ignored it and for the next few days she got more and more wound up wondering how her husband could be such a spiteful, nasty, insensitive jerk. I clearly didn't fancy her any more and thought she was a huge fatso!
What a horrible tactless thing to say! Except all I was doing was quoting a line from in a film we were watching just 10 minutes before!!! (Friends with benefits)
I was quite prepared to go and rent the movie again to prove it to her but fortunately found the clip on youtube!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S0Gm0TbSENw 0 -
I disagree. I don't think he means for it to come out quite like it is. Perhaps he is being a little insensitive since you have had an ED in the past, but that's a guy for you.It's silly to spend to much time picking apart little comments.
Don't fret. Just keep doing what you're doing. You're beautiful. As long as he makes you feel that way, then don't let any doubts creep in and steal that from you.
Sorry, but nothing about her post says to me that he makes her feel beautiful.0 -
I am so sorry about what happened. I am currently in recovery from an ED so I have been there. How long have you and your boyfriend been together? Are you two seriuos? It might be a good idea to talk to him and be honest. If he doesn't know, and you plan on being with him for a while, he could contiue to provoke ED thoughts and what not which could lead you down a road you don't want to go... if you want to talk about this more, feel free to message me. I hope things get better! Guys can be clueless.
We've been together on and off since October (I make that...9ish months?). It's pretty serious - we were VERY close as friends when we weren't dating so it's been that kind of relationship more than a very sexual one.
Something that complicates matters is we're both going to colleges in different US states at the end of the Summer - we're just having the last few weeks of fun together now before we have to break up...I'd rather not bring something serious like that into conversation during our last few weeks of fun, but at the same time I don't want to keep being shaken up by thoughtless comments these last few weeks either. I added you by the way
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Is he aware that the ED is an actual problem, because that changes the entire situation from "insensitive jerk" to "clueless dingbat." Bring it up with him, and if he doesn't realize how serious the situation is, he might get over himself. If he continues, he's definitely a jerk.0
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any man who comments on what a woman eats or her weight in a negative way...its a deal-breaker!
That's such garbage!
My wife gradually put on 15 lbs. She hated it! How she wishes I had said 6 months ago "Hey you're eating too much junk food at the moment, it's not good for you"
She has made me PROMISE to tell her if she lapses back into bad habits - I've made her do the same0 -
THEN to make matters worse, less than 5 minutes later he asked me what I would be doing at the gym later and I responded "step, zumba, pilates" (each an hour-long class!) and he immediately replied "oh, not swimming today then?".
Three hour-long back to back classes in one day?:frown:
That part jumped at me more than anything else you wrote in your rant.
Haha today is my intense workout day, because step just happens to be back to back with zumba. I'll usually split it up a bit, or go to the less intense classes (e.g. Wednesday is the same as today but body pump instead of step - less intense cardio and more strength training). Some days only have 1 class, so on those days I'll either go for a swim or do some cycling too. Sounds like a lot, but it's down from what it has been in the past. I am starting to wonder about it all though, do you think it could be damaging to be doing so much? I still really am unsure on this whole thing and want to make sure I'm doing right by my body, would limiting my exercise even more help? If so, how much? Thanks for any advice!!!0 -
girl there's just so much wrong with this and your BF is only a part of the issue.
for instance, why are you only eating yogurt and blueberries for lunch and working out 3 hour a day?
you are asking for advice on the wrong thing dear....
all i'll say i low self esteem people get with low self esteem people. yes he' a jerk, but the lack of respect he's showing you is just a reflection of your own lack of respect towards yourself. people tend to treat us the way we treat ourselves
get right and your relationships will follow the same right direction0 -
Men dont always have the tact that is required.
I dont know him or you, just based on what you posted, I'd tend to say he is just being a man. They dont mean to come off sounding prick'ish. To them, its just cracking a joke, or trying to be sarcastic. If you two were good friends before you got togeather, then mabye he should have known you had an ED before this? If not, its up to you to tell him or not, thats your choice.
My ex said something to me once that proves this;
I was cleaning out my dressor drawers, getting rid of clothing that doesnt fit anymore and came across a mini skirt that was made out of cotten and spandex. I absolutely HATED that thing but kept it because he bought it for me. It was still folded perfectly and brand new, I dont think i EVER wore it.
HIM: Oh, look at that, I remember THAT
ME: (trying to be tactful) "Yeah, it doest fit anymore, so I'm gonna get rid of it"
HIM: What do you mean it doesnt fit? It stretches.......................
SMH
MEN!!!!!!!0 -
Are you sure he truly loves you??? Because with the way he acts & speaks, it looks like the opposite & you're just blinded by that. A person that truly loves will respect you & not be dork.
No one has the right to judge your eating or exercise habits.0 -
any man who comments on what a woman eats or her weight in a negative way...its a deal-breaker!
That's such garbage!
My wife gradually put on 15 lbs. She hated it! How she wishes I had said 6 months ago "Hey you're eating too much junk food at the moment, it's not good for you"
She has made me PROMISE to tell her if she lapses back into bad habits - I've made her do the same
^ he said it. how i wish sometimes when my husband got back from afghanistan in december he had said "hey... are you still trying to lose weight and tracking? you're eating a lot of junk and rarely exercising anymore." i would LOVE if my husband would talk to me about my weight loss or even care. he doesn't. he doesn't want to talk to me about it. he flat out told me "i don't care. i loved you at 270lbs and i love you now. i don't care what you weigh as long as you're happy and healthy."
OP even if you only have a few weeks together i think you should bring it up. this way he's aware of how it hurts you and you can continue to enjoy your time together. also, even if you're going to be separated, he can still be a great support system if he knows the type of support you need. some of my favorite people in my support system are people that lives MILES away from me back home. my husband is military so my friends from my hometown are on my facebook and are my biggest support. they knew me when i was at my heaviest. people i meet now never believe i ever weighed more than i do now.0 -
Wow that's crazy 3 hours in gym? Try to do more intense things in 1 hour ina day, your body needs rest actually You won't be able to speed up the nature without negative effects When do you find time to work or take care about the babe? And yes your bf sounds too strict to you. He shall make you feel wanted, not make you feel hate your body0
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If you are going to break up anyway, then maybe you should just end it now? That way you can work on your eating an exercise habits, which still sound a little ED-ish to my ears, before you head off to college.
I would also encourage you to get in touch with your campus's mental health people as soon as you get to college. Campus counseling is quite affordable, and it would be helpful to you as you transition to your new living situation (i.e. dining hall buffets, set meal times).0 -
I am so sorry about what happened. I am currently in recovery from an ED so I have been there. How long have you and your boyfriend been together? Are you two seriuos? It might be a good idea to talk to him and be honest. If he doesn't know, and you plan on being with him for a while, he could contiue to provoke ED thoughts and what not which could lead you down a road you don't want to go... if you want to talk about this more, feel free to message me. I hope things get better! Guys can be clueless.
We've been together on and off since October (I make that...9ish months?). It's pretty serious - we were VERY close as friends when we weren't dating so it's been that kind of relationship more than a very sexual one.
Something that complicates matters is we're both going to colleges in different US states at the end of the Summer - we're just having the last few weeks of fun together now before we have to break up...I'd rather not bring something serious like that into conversation during our last few weeks of fun, but at the same time I don't want to keep being shaken up by thoughtless comments these last few weeks either. I added you by the way
From an older happily married man, There's been "some" truth in many of the responses you got so far. There are some confusing things you've said though. You initially describe him as a "super sweet" guy, but the comments he makes are not those of a super sweet guy. You describe the relationship as pretty serious and 3 sentences later you're talking about breaking up at the end of summer? How serious can it be if you're breaking up? I realize you're going to different colleges but serious relationships can survive those types of stresses. Mine did. Several of the responders said men are tactless and often say stupid things. I would agree with that statement. If he doesn't know about your ED and you don't want to tell him, that's fine, but if it's affecting your old ED triggers, he can't change his own behavior if he doesn't know what he's not supposed to say. Of course, many of the women would argue, and probably rightfully so, that any guy who is making stupid comments like this, isn't worth keeping around anyway. Are you truly in love? If not, move on, if you are and want to hold onto the relationship, a deeper level of honesty is going to be necessary at some point. It kind of depends on what YOU want. Just my 2 cents0 -
If you are going to break up anyway, then maybe you should just end it now? That way you can work on your eating an exercise habits, which still sound a little ED-ish to my ears, before you head off to college.
I would also encourage you to get in touch with your campus's mental health people as soon as you get to college. Campus counseling is quite affordable, and it would be helpful to you as you transition to your new living situation (i.e. dining hall buffets, set meal times).
I may consider that idea of breaking up earlier, I'll think about it over the next few days - see how he's behaving (and reacting to the pizza I'm planning on having tomorrow night!)
I won't be living in dorms at college and therefore won't have the dining hall buffet, I'll be living in a home for "single young women with financial need" where we get provided breakfast and dinner. I'm a little wary of that as it's set meals at set times, with likely less choice than a buffet would offer. I have already checked and this residency does not have a counseling service, and specifies so on their website, saying that they are not capable of housing and caring for any young women with mental health needs. I will be joining a local YMCA when I move, and was thinking of making use of my free health assessment and meeting with personal trainer. I know it's not a mental health help, but they may help me formulate an exercise and (vague?) eating plan to suit my body and goals, which I'm sure will help me mentally.
Thoughts?0 -
From an older happily married man, ... Are you truly in love? If not, move on, if you are and want to hold onto the relationship, a deeper level of honesty is going to be necessary at some point. It kind of depends on what YOU want. Just my 2 cents
Agree!
There is a lot of complaining about how insensitive and clueless your BF is. If he doesn't know abou the ED, how is he supposed to be sensitive and clued in?
I can see how some of the posters here think he was being judgemental, but if your BF is such a sweet guy, I'm inclined to believe he was making comments as a way of noticing the change in your eating habits, and as far as you not swimming that particular night, if you do that much at the gym on a regular basis, he probably can't keep track of what classes you take on what days and was attempting to plan his night so he knew when you'd be back. That's something I do with my wife on a daily basis (when I'm not deployed, that is).
My wife and I are both gym rats and in a bit of competition with each other to get our body fat % as low as we can (in a healthy way, and taking into account male/female proportions).
We have a great relationship, but if I told you some of the things she said to me or I said to her, most of the posters here would try to find me in Afghanistan to string me up for bein a judgemental douche bag.0 -
3 hours in the gym is too long.
You could get the same results or better with something higher intensity which would be done in an hour at most.0 -
at 18 i honestly dont agree she knows what true love is and if she uses this bf as a guide line on what a true love looks like then wellll um gooodddddddddd luck0
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3 hours in the gym is too long.
You could get the same results or better with something higher intensity which would be done in an hour at most.
Yeah, that's been said to me before, the only thing is that I really do love my zumba class, and while I know if I were spending that hour going hardcore on an exercise bike or treadmill I'd burn a lot more, I think the fun of zumba class is worth the slower burn, and worth having to put another hour in after to get my burn up...is this a healthy way of seeing it? Or would you say even just doing one zumba class (I have no idea of exact numbers but I've seen stuff saying around 380-420 cals for my weight (120ish lbs)) per day is enough of a burn? Because I'm used to making sure I'm on at least 600+, up to 1100 on a tough day0 -
I have no more insight to add to the situation that hasn't been given, but oh my gosh I cannot image someone saying that to me early in my recovery. Props to you for being sassy back, I think I would have cried.0
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I disagree. I don't think he means for it to come out quite like it is. Perhaps he is being a little insensitive since you have had an ED in the past, but that's a guy for you.It's silly to spend to much time picking apart little comments.
Don't fret. Just keep doing what you're doing. You're beautiful. As long as he makes you feel that way, then don't let any doubts creep in and steal that from you.
That's a guy for you? Really? So it's all excused because he's tactless and inappropriate, but he's a guy so it's fine. I don't know, I don't think she's picking apart anything. Why should ANYONE be commenting on what she's eating, let alone some freaking yogurt, it's not as if she sat down with half of a large pizza. Sounds to me like he needs to be told about the ED and that his comments are not helpful and actually hinder her ability. His comments come across as though overexercising and eating barely anything, is just the way he likes her. If so, that's not going to be good for her recovering from ED to keep hearing that.0 -
Sorry...but he sounds like a d##k! he doesnt love you if he's making stupid comments like that after you've had an ED. Im lucky to pull an hour of exercise a day and Im exhausted. In my opinion, you are doing way too much exercise in one day, especially if its one class after the other. maybe do morning ones, then evening ones. Stay strong and dont let him break you.
Just saw he doesnt know about your past. Maybe something you should tell him. Might shut him up.
THIS!0 -
i don't see the big deal. guys are insensitive. maybe he isn't used to your new lifestyle yet and isn't sure how to act. maybe its self defense. who knows.
if it was a real problem, you'd have dumped him by now.
make sure he knows how you feel about it and listen to why he says those things
tell him how you feel, and any other info about it that bothers you.. if he does'nt stop after he knows how you feel, then the solution is clear.0 -
^^^^^^^^I disagree. I don't think he means for it to come out quite like it is. Perhaps he is being a little insensitive since you have had an ED in the past, but that's a guy for you.It's silly to spend to much time picking apart little comments.
Don't fret. Just keep doing what you're doing. You're beautiful. As long as he makes you feel that way, then don't let any doubts creep in and steal that from you.
THIS
Don't be so thin skinned.
Buck Up!0 -
THEN to make matters worse, less than 5 minutes later he asked me what I would be doing at the gym later and I responded "step, zumba, pilates" (each an hour-long class!) and he immediately replied "oh, not swimming today then?".
Three hour-long back to back classes in one day?:frown:
That part jumped at me more than anything else you wrote in your rant.
Agreed, that's a little too much.0
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