Question for the Men

135

Replies

  • miguelrunner
    miguelrunner Posts: 156 Member
    I read a quote once that said something like, "husbands, if you don't want your wife there's someone else that DOES."

    So is it YOU or HIM? I'll say it's him. Sad thing is though, if he were to get a "dream" woman, he would be tired of her in 3-5 years and start looking again. Unless he deals with HIMSELF, he'll never be happy.
  • scs143
    scs143 Posts: 2,190 Member
    getting married and having kids didnt change who you are at all? It didnt mature you, change your personality and priorities or intuition? All that changed was your body?

    weird.

    no seriously- id like to know.


    It sure as **** changed me in most ways.
  • brentdaniels
    brentdaniels Posts: 127
    That being said, I don't think I have ever turned her down
    You can't turn her down when its only Christmas and Birthdays, it'd be impolite :)

    LOL, it was ALMOST to that point! It's all good now though.
  • hoskibn
    hoskibn Posts: 86
    Here's the thing, we as men ebb and flow sexually the same as women do. There can be a lot of factors, kids, work, life in general that can contribute to a downswing in the bedroom department. I once asked a guy at his 50th wedding anniversary party for advice, he said to realize that marriage is the hardest job in the world. We don't want to admit this but there are moments during a marriage where even feelings as well as desires change. To that end...talk to him about it. Don't make the conversation about your wants and desires, make it about his. That way you are not "pushing him" you are just trying to have a conversation about what you can do for him.
  • purplegoboom
    purplegoboom Posts: 400 Member
    Chain of Events...

    1. Pre-children, hot body, pretty, boyfriend can't keep his hands off
    2. Marriage, kids, body changed
    3. Still the same woman, just with more weight, same man turns me down all the time
    4. Losing weight, not completely back to the hot body but obvious progress has been made, he's still not interested

    Since everything about me is the same except my body, am I correct in assuming my body caused his disinterest?

    Note: It won't hurt my feelings

    So....NOTHING else has changed? Think about it. You're a mom now, of course things have changed.

    Have you been more focused on the kids than him? Maybe he doesn't feel that connection with you that he did before. Maybe he thinks that now that you have kids, the rules have changed. I'm not trying to blame your kids here, I know couples that have great sex lives after they had kids, but it took a lot of work.

    Maybe he does feel pressured. The responsiblity is overwhelming. Pay the bills, try to keep your job in this job market, try to be a good dad so your kids grow up to be responsible, productive members of society, and try to keep your wife happy. Not saying your life is a cakewalk, but you can probably handle it better than he can.

    Or maybe he's just tired.

    Or maybe he had unrealistic expectations going in, and maybe now that they're not coming true, he's given up.

    Or maybe it just is you and your body. But it could also be all in his head.

    Unfortuatly, you will not know for sure unless you get him talking. I'm sorry you're going through this, it certainly sounds like you don't deserve it.
  • yoovie
    yoovie Posts: 17,121 Member
    *
  • LonLB
    LonLB Posts: 1,126 Member
    While there are certain things that could be at play, I think I've turned it down all of about 3 times EVER.

    If YOU initiate, and get shot down, I would suspect something is up if I were you.


    People may want to think that men are more complicated than we are, but when it comes to 'that' it really isn't all that complicated.

    It sounds troll-ish, but I really think that the responses from MEN that justify this through various reasons are from men who have so little sex that they are justifying it to themselves.
  • suzieqcookie
    suzieqcookie Posts: 314 Member
    Chain of Events...

    1. Pre-children, hot body, pretty, boyfriend can't keep his hands off
    2. Marriage, kids, body changed
    3. Still the same woman, just with more weight, same man turns me down all the time
    4. Losing weight, not completely back to the hot body but obvious progress has been made, he's still not interested

    Since everything about me is the same except my body, am I correct in assuming my body caused his disinterest?

    Note: It won't hurt my feelings

    you just described my EX husband. :frown:
  • jackpotclown
    jackpotclown Posts: 3,275 Member
    I think this problem can be corrected with sammiches and bacon, LOTS of bacon \m/
  • MassiveDelta
    MassiveDelta Posts: 3,271 Member
    Ladies, lets b honest, speaking as a man there r only a small number of reasons why a guy wont have...relations

    His junk dont work
    He thinks ur ugly
    Hes gay
    Hes cheating

    Thats it, end of story

    That's not entirely true...Maybe she pushed him a away for so long or abused him emotionally that he has no desire to be with her. Maybe she has been so disrespectful of him he doesn't want anything to do with her. There is a ton of emotional stuff that could be going on.

    Maybe he is addicted to porn
  • HulaHips83
    HulaHips83 Posts: 129
    getting married and having kids didnt change who you are at all? It didnt mature you, change your personality and priorities or intuition? All that changed was your body?

    weird.

    no seriously- id like to know.

    Other than being better at multi-tasking and prioritizing, no. I still have the same interests, the same hobbies, same sense of humor, same smart mouth, and the same temperment. Obviously, my responsibilities have changed, but I'm still me, just with these jacked up stretch marks, a belly that's no longer perfect, and 2 little minions running around.
  • Capt_Apollo
    Capt_Apollo Posts: 9,026 Member
    maybe there is a little voice in his head that says "she is the mother of your children!! you want her to do what?? seriously?? she carried your children you insensitive jerk. you should be ashamed of yourself. and she cooks you dinner!! and does your laundry. HASN'T SHE DONE ENOUGH?!?!!? just take care of things in the shower. jerk."
  • supplemama
    supplemama Posts: 1,956 Member
    Have you ever actually asked him what the problem is??
  • ErinBeth7
    ErinBeth7 Posts: 1,625 Member
    Duh, hes cheating

    Just to make sure, you should check his texts and email


    BAD IDEA

    I think so too.
  • neverstray
    neverstray Posts: 3,845 Member
    No matter how hot they are, someone is tired of their *kitten*. That means you too.

    Basically, it could be so many things. I wouldn't say that it's you. Guys don't turn women down for sex much unless there's some other issue going on.

    Maybe counseling is in order, at this point.
  • juliebeannn
    juliebeannn Posts: 428 Member
    Have you ever actually asked him what the problem is??

    this
  • yoovie
    yoovie Posts: 17,121 Member
    getting married and having kids didnt change who you are at all? It didnt mature you, change your personality and priorities or intuition? All that changed was your body?

    weird.

    no seriously- id like to know.

    Other than being better at multi-tasking and prioritizing, no. I still have the same interests, the same hobbies, same sense of humor, same smart mouth, and the same temperment. Obviously, my responsibilities have changed, but I'm still me, just with these jacked up stretch marks, a belly that's no longer perfect, and 2 little minions running around.

    Wow. Weird.

    Pretty sure having kids would change me. Pretty sure spending a few years married would change me. Pretty sure simply aging and gaining experience would change me. Pretty sure Im not the same girl I was in high school and I havent gotten married OR had kids.
  • aj_31
    aj_31 Posts: 994 Member
    My husband tells me he gets tired of having to initiate it. He wants me to do that more even though I've never said no. Could that be it? Does he want you to be more playful or maybe 'attack' him for it??


    Guys - what are your thoughts on that. Do you like doing the chasing or would you rather be chased?
  • mcherri
    mcherri Posts: 22 Member
    man, i hate to say this but it sounds like cheating could be a definite possibility.... i know i'm a woman, but i have been in your husbands shoes before.... i completely lost sexual interest in my boyfriend even though every other aspect of our relationship was perfect... anyways... it led to me meeting my sexual needs elsewhere, but as it turned out, for some reason, having sex with someone else who i was not interested in otherwise, just made me more turned off sexually with my own boyfriend. i don;t know... if i were you, i would check his phone messages.... and definitely definitely go to counseling if you can afford it... me and my boyfriend broke up bc he just couldn't take me rejecting him anymore.. and he went through a whole phase where he thought bc he had gained some weight i wasnt attracted to him blahblahblah.. but that wasn't it.. it had nothing to do with him at all and it probably has nothing to do with you either when it comes to your husband.... buuuuut... im just saying... when i went through this, it led to me cheating even though i loved my boyfriend just as much as i ever did.. so just keep one eye open. i totally regret not getting counseling with my boyfriend bc i know he was going to propose... we're still absolutely best friends, but i know he wishes we were together instead.
  • ErinBeth7
    ErinBeth7 Posts: 1,625 Member
    Just talk to him and tell him what your thinking and how your feeling. You wont get anywhere asking online, there are too many possibilities and everyone is different.

    This. No one here knows the whole situation, every factor in your relationship. Relationships are so individual that people on the outside don't see half the "reasons" why things happen with a couple, good or bad.
  • weeblex
    weeblex Posts: 412 Member
    Guys - what are your thoughts on that. Do you like doing the chasing or would you rather be chased?

    As I posted earlier, always having to do the chase sucks, you get double the action if both of you chase :)
  • HulaHips83
    HulaHips83 Posts: 129
    First, yes, I have tried talking to him in a nonconfrontational way. I told him that I love him and I think he is amazing which makes me super attracted to him. I even tried to keep it lighthearted and joked that it's his fault for being so cute. I asked if there was something I needed to do differently. His response was that there was nothing wrong other than that I was putting pressure on him. So I didn't bring it up again.
    Second, I do EVERYTHING for him. I cook his meals, care for his daughters, clean his house, pay his bills, and give him his way on almost everything. I've never neglected him in the bedroom a single time. He's never even heard the word "no" from me. So it's not a situation where he's ever been denied and has given up. I don't care for the excuse about being tired because I work full time, am a full time student, and do pretty much everything around the house and with the kids. I'm tired too, dang it. But I'm never THAT tired.
  • LonLB
    LonLB Posts: 1,126 Member
    My husband tells me he gets tired of having to initiate it. He wants me to do that more even though I've never said no. Could that be it? Does he want you to be more playful or maybe 'attack' him for it??


    Guys - what are your thoughts on that. Do you like doing the chasing or would you rather be chased?


    Definitely initiate more. No doubt
  • jonward85
    jonward85 Posts: 534 Member
    My husband tells me he gets tired of having to initiate it. He wants me to do that more even though I've never said no. Could that be it? Does he want you to be more playful or maybe 'attack' him for it??


    Guys - what are your thoughts on that. Do you like doing the chasing or would you rather be chased?


    Love it when my wife initiates.
  • MassiveDelta
    MassiveDelta Posts: 3,271 Member
    Guys - what are your thoughts on that. Do you like doing the chasing or would you rather be chased?

    As I posted earlier, always having to do the chase sucks, you get double the action if both of you chase :)

    <---Initiator 16 years .... Its not cool. just saying
  • LonLB
    LonLB Posts: 1,126 Member
    First, yes, I have tried talking to him in a nonconfrontational way. I told him that I love him and I think he is amazing which makes me super attracted to him. I even tried to keep it lighthearted and joked that it's his fault for being so cute. I asked if there was something I needed to do differently. His response was that there was nothing wrong other than that I was putting pressure on him. So I didn't bring it up again.
    Second, I do EVERYTHING for him. I cook his meals, care for his daughters, clean his house, pay his bills, and give him his way on almost everything. I've never neglected him in the bedroom a single time. He's never even heard the word "no" from me. So it's not a situation where he's ever been denied and has given up. I don't care for the excuse about being tired because I work full time, am a full time student, and do pretty much everything around the house and with the kids. I'm tired too, dang it. But I'm never THAT tired.


    If everything you say is true, and he doesn't want you he is gay, or cheating.
  • jonward85
    jonward85 Posts: 534 Member
    First, yes, I have tried talking to him in a nonconfrontational way. I told him that I love him and I think he is amazing which makes me super attracted to him. I even tried to keep it lighthearted and joked that it's his fault for being so cute. I asked if there was something I needed to do differently. His response was that there was nothing wrong other than that I was putting pressure on him. So I didn't bring it up again.
    Second, I do EVERYTHING for him. I cook his meals, care for his daughters, clean his house, pay his bills, and give him his way on almost everything. I've never neglected him in the bedroom a single time. He's never even heard the word "no" from me. So it's not a situation where he's ever been denied and has given up. I don't care for the excuse about being tired because I work full time, am a full time student, and do pretty much everything around the house and with the kids. I'm tired too, dang it. But I'm never THAT tired.

    Having 3 of my own...if you can work full time, be a full time student and do everything around the house by yourself you need a friggin medal! That's a rough life. Make his *** work around the house too. Dishes and cooking for goodness sake.
  • paul7799
    paul7799 Posts: 98 Member
    First, yes, I have tried talking to him in a nonconfrontational way. I told him that I love him and I think he is amazing which makes me super attracted to him. I even tried to keep it lighthearted and joked that it's his fault for being so cute. I asked if there was something I needed to do differently. His response was that there was nothing wrong other than that I was putting pressure on him. So I didn't bring it up again.
    Second, I do EVERYTHING for him. I cook his meals, care for his daughters, clean his house, pay his bills, and give him his way on almost everything. I've never neglected him in the bedroom a single time. He's never even heard the word "no" from me. So it's not a situation where he's ever been denied and has given up. I don't care for the excuse about being tired because I work full time, am a full time student, and do pretty much everything around the house and with the kids. I'm tired too, dang it. But I'm never THAT tired.

    Might be anxiety. As for the pressure thing he claims that is probably just the fear he has to talk about what is going on.

    The tired thing is not an excuse but an explanation. The penis is a complex organ to the point of being a pain in the *kitten*. Fatigue will kill a man's sex drive and cause ED. Sucks but true.
  • dellrio
    dellrio Posts: 131 Member
    Probably just bored - I would be after 5 years... Change things up, find something exciting to do together (in the bedroom or not), it may help.
  • ErinBeth7
    ErinBeth7 Posts: 1,625 Member
    First, yes, I have tried talking to him in a nonconfrontational way. I told him that I love him and I think he is amazing which makes me super attracted to him. I even tried to keep it lighthearted and joked that it's his fault for being so cute. I asked if there was something I needed to do differently. His response was that there was nothing wrong other than that I was putting pressure on him. So I didn't bring it up again.
    Second, I do EVERYTHING for him. I cook his meals, care for his daughters, clean his house, pay his bills, and give him his way on almost everything. I've never neglected him in the bedroom a single time. He's never even heard the word "no" from me. So it's not a situation where he's ever been denied and has given up. I don't care for the excuse about being tired because I work full time, am a full time student, and do pretty much everything around the house and with the kids. I'm tired too, dang it. But I'm never THAT tired.

    I would say it's definitely him. Since I don't know the whole situation (only you do) I can't really advise further.
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