Do you ever wish someone had "called you out" over your weight?

vegaslounge

I was a fat kid, I will make no bones about it. It seems to have started when I was 8-9 – previous photos showed a normal, even kinda-skinny little girl. There is no trauma in my background, I was never molested, my parents were more-than-less happily married. But, I liked to eat and I just got fat.

I only recall one instance where my weight was an issue with peers, when, in 5th grade, we were illustrating poems we had written about our recent field trip to a water park. I drew myself going down a slide and a desk mate remarked, “you didn’t look like that, you’re bigger”. So…I redrew myself to reflect a bigger size. But, I didn’t feel any shame over it, it was almost constructive criticism.

Middle school was miserable for me, and I was bullied, but not for my weight– which was rapidly escalating out of control. I distinctly remember being weighed in gym class and the scale reading 160. I was 11 years old. But again– I was not bullied because of my weight. It was more due to my shyness, awful, AWFUL haircut, 1970s librarian glasses, and general bookishness.

High school was amazing. Loved every minute aside from math and chem classes (hey, I’m into history, art and English lit). Had great friends, made decent grades, got along with everyone– jocks, cheerleaders, nerds and stoners and Goths. And all the while, I was creeping further and further up the scale. I have no idea how much I weighed at this time because I never checked, but I had to have been around 180 at 5’6".

I did not take my weight seriously until I passed out on the stoop of my NYC apt and woke up on the sidewalk with a cluster of strangers surrounding me telling me it’s okay, they’ve called an ambulance, just hold still. Hospital weighs me at 202. Blood pressure is crazy, cholesterol is worrying, I’m 24 years old and they’re discussing long-term medication.

I’m 32 now. In those intervening years I’d gotten down to 157, am currently at 170 (I lost my mother recently and stress-ate like an SOB) and I’ll be damned if I get to 202, or even over 170 again.

Sometimes I wonder what it would have been like if someone had brought my weight to my attention earlier. As I spent my tween/adolescence in LA– the most image-conscious city in the world– it seems almost crazy this WASN’T something I was picked on for. But, it was never mentioned. While obviously bullying and fat-shaming for the sake of being a prick is wrong…nobody– not parents, teachers, etc ever brought it up to me that I was overweight.

What I wish is that I had been aware of my weight at an earlier age so I could have fixed it sooner. I knew I couldn’t keep up with the other kids at PE, I wheezed after a short jog, but I didn’t know WHY. I had no concept of calories or portion sizes and my weight wasn’t made a big deal of either with family or peers. In many ways I’m glad– there are so many horror stories of kids being bullied for their weight. But at the same time…I wish someone would have told me, because I honestly never knew.

GOT_Obsessed

I think had someone said something it may have caused you stress or animosity. As we all know you have to be ready to lose weight on your own terms.

I had a few subtle suggestions from family like "so and so joined the gym and looks great. Do you think that would be something you would enjoy?" and "let's go for a walk." I know she meant well but unless I was the one to decide on my own, nothing ever lasted very long.

fuzzylop72

In my experience, 'calling people out' tends to make them defensive, and do the opposite of what is intended, so not really.

nchrty

I don't think it would have been better at all. My mother berated me over my weight throughout my teens. I was 5'4" and weighed about 150. It certainly made things worse as I got older.

lemurcat12

No.

My dad used to tell me I was fat when he was upset with me (looking back I objectively was not, I was a perfectly healthy weight).

When I did start gaining weight in my late 20s I was aware of it (I grew out of clothes, after all) and felt bad about it, and just didn't know what to do about it, which was something I had to figure out for myself (and which I feel I learned a lot in taking control of and figuring out). Hmm, thinking about it, I was inspired to lose in part because a friend lost some weight and that made me realize it was doable -- I was too embarrassed to ask her what she did (I was always really private about body stuff and my insecurities in general -- but I decided to figure it out and did so.)

I regained after losing the first time around age 40, for a variety of reasons, but again always knew I was overweight -- and assumed others knew and so would rather defensively make self-deprecating jokes about it just so they wouldn't think I was unaware and feel compelled to helpfully tell me, as I was far more bothered by the idea that they would either (a) think I was too dumb to realize I needed to lose weight, or (b) was unhappy or bothered by being fat, so I overcommitted to the "I'm fat and I know it, ha, ha" thing, which looking back also wasn't great. I also didn't tell anyone when I decided lose because I was far more scared of others knowing I was trying to and then judging me as a failure if I did not -- it was important to me that my weight be my business, and that was ultimately more empowering to me.

So absolutely not. Someone getting involved and telling me I was fat would have been unhelpful.

As a kid, my perception was that the few fat kids (this was the '70s and '80s) were picked on, so "calling them out over their weight" does not seem helpful. I can't imagine not being aware of your weight as a teen and think this must be pretty rare -- I wasn't called fat other than by my dad, but I knew every part of my body I disliked and that seemed to be really common, among the girls, anyway. With a kid who is overweight I think you shouldn't do nothing (if one is a parent or person with that responsibility, like a doctor or someone with the right relationship), but helpfully showing them ways to control body weight through good eating choices (not ones that would be perceived by a kid as overly restrictive, but showing them you can control calories while still eating an enjoyable diet) and finding active things that are also fun (I was really into bike riding, ice skating, swimming, and some other things as a kid even though I hated and was bad at team sports), would be positive.

One thing I regret is that I knew nothing about strength training. My sister got stuck in a strength training class for gym her freshman year (nothing else she thought was bearable fit in her schedule) and loved it and started a lifelong interest, and I think that mindset of I can positively affect my body in this way would have been helpful for me as a teen (instead of thinking the only option for body change was dieting or not and it was mostly about genetics). I find now focusing on things like strength actually make me not so obsessed with the minor aspects of appearance since I'm happy feeling like I can do more and be stronger (and I was always small and weak).

Lounmoun

Do you think it would have made you be a healthy weight and stop emotional eating or boredom eating or just eating a bit too much to have someone call you fat or pick on you for your size when you were younger? Did you have the tools as a an 8 year old or a 17 year old to deal with being overweight in a healthy way?

I don't think it is abnormal to wish you could go back in time and change things but just awareness of your size from other people may not have made the slightest difference.

I heard about my weight a lot growing up actually and my mom was overweight and I heard people make nasty comments about her size and was embarrassed. My overweight parents did the cabbage diet or this or that to try to lose weight periodically. I was pretty conscious of weight I think.
I was actually underweight (100 lbs or less at 5'4") until I graduated college. I got made fun of as a kid- called toothpick or q-tip in grade school. In high school and college I was told by some girl's (relatively normal weight people) that they hated me because of my weight. Sometimes people asked if I was anorexic in a taunting way. It made me feel bad about my body. It did not make me eat more. It did not get me help.
I skipped breakfast from age 12 or so on. I stopped eating lunch at school in high school. I did eat at home. I wasn't really trying to be thinner just anxious I think about a lot of stuff- being poor, changing schools, being a teenage girl.
Even though there were regular comments about my size no one ever addressed it as a medical issue. I was always cold, tired and was sick a lot. My parents, teachers, friends did not say I needed help when I stopped eating meals or wasn't gaining weight anymore. My parents did not take me to a doctor at any point. One teacher in college suggested maybe I should try lifting weights but did not say you should gain weight and never mentioned it again.
I eventually gained weight in my late 20's to a normal healthy weight and then became overweight. I have been 10-40 lbs overweight for 15 years or so. And I have been fairly aware of it even if I didn't do anything about it. The Thanksgiving dh's aunt put her hand on my non-pregnant belly and cheerfully asked when I was due did not make me lose more weight.

JaydedMiss

no nurturing self hate has never done me any good. If your ready to lose weight you will, People calling me a fatass does not help anything.

nvmomketo

For adults, no. We know if we are fat. Being called fat does not help.

For children? Being called fat would not have helped either. What probably would have helped was an adult who could have helped give you healthier options.

Azdak

It’s not like overweight people don’t know they’re overweight.

SilverRose89

No, calling me out over my weight would have probably just made me upset, defensive, and more self-loathing which would have in turn probably made me comfort myself with more excess food.

I really don't think you can ever make somebody else make any real changes in their life. And that is the same for all things be it weight, smoking, alcohol use, perhaps an unhealthy relationship someone is in. Chances are, the person probably already knows they are involved in something damaging to them. They have to find the will to change that on their own when they are ready to make that change. People supporting them to make that change is of course often very helpful, and sometimes expressing a concern gently is no bad thing.

I understand the frustration if you genuinely feel you had no idea about your weight, and perhaps someone pointing it out to you could have helped in your situation. But I think for most of us, we were well aware of it and perhaps even hyper-aware of it, and so it being pointed out by other people at best is just going to be telling us something we already know, and at worst could cause more problems than it solves.

crabbybrianna

I started gaining weight when I was 4, and I knew I was fat at that age. I have a hard time believing anyone doesn’t know that they’re fat, child or adult. My weight was brought up all the time by family members. I was put on a diet by 8 years old, and have pretty much been trying to lose weight ever since, and I’m almost 40, and I’m still fat.

I actually wonder the opposite of what you do. What would have happened to me if I was just left alone? I might have just grown out of it.

whitpauly

No,I was taller for my age growing up and was a bit chubby and got called fat all the time,,even tho I really wasn't,all that did was make my teens and 20's two decades of binging and purging

purpleannex

Azdak wrote: »

It’s not like overweight people don’t know they’re overweight.

Are you sure about that? Go on any dating site and look at how people rate their size. I used to write that I didn't want women with reverse body dismorphia. A woman with 5 chins isn't "average".

Anyway.... I grew up as the fattest kid in both schools I went to, and as this was the 70's and 80's no one pulled any punches about my weight. I always remember going to a family wedding at about 8 and being asked if I was the bouncer

RaeBeeBaby

Definitely a question worth pondering. I watched my mother yo-yo diet my whole childhood and that trend continues to this day (she's now 79). I remember one time when she got very thin by joining TOPS and half-starving herself. She was about 5'6" and 115 lbs at her lowest. TOPS is Take Off Pounds Sensibly, which it really wasn't - at least not for her. My (likely) good-intentioned father mentioned that I was now bigger than mom and my butt was getting a little wide "honey". Thus began the repeating pattern of yo-yo'ing for myself. I guess the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. However, in retrospect - would I have just continued to gain had he said nothing?

dsboohead

As a young teenager my dad grabbed my sides and told me I needed to do something about that.
And .....you know what? I did! It triggered something in my psyche and I went into full blown anorexia and starved myself into serious issues that had my mother force feeding me and me fainting in a mall.
No these issues brought up to children messes with their heads and they are not equipped to deal with it.

clicketykeys

OP, are you honestly claiming that you didn't know that your weight was higher than average? Where/how did you get your clothes? Did the sizes not give you a clue?

As I gained weight, I knew. I just didn't care... until I did.

Momepro

I was told all the time I was fat. Certain people made sure there was no way I could forget it. It didn't help. It just made me angry and depressed.Do you know what kids do when they are angry and depressed? They either turn into angry bullies or withdraw from contact, stop playing outside and retreat into tv, games or books, while eating larger amounts of snacks to trigger a reward sensation and try to counteract depression.

SueSueDio

Did people comment on my weight and suggest I "need to do something about it"? Yes.

Did such comments inspire me to actually try and lose weight? No. They were more likely to make me want to eat more, because I felt I would never be good enough no matter what size I was. Losing weight would be too hard and I was bound to fail, so I may as well stay fat.

Fortunately I wasn't overweight as a child, or I don't know what such comments might have done to my psychological state. I didn't start gaining until after I got married. I was very much aware that I was putting on weight, and I wasn't happy with the way I looked, but I just didn't care to do anything about it because I figured "dieting" involved misery and deprivation and I wasn't going to do that to myself.

I knew about MFP for about two years before I was finally ready to sign up and start getting healthy - for myself, not because anyone else thought I should. I do wish that I had known years ago what I know now - that losing weight doesn't have to be a miserable process. But even if I did, I still might not have been ready to take that first step. I had to really want it enough to commit to the process.

clicketykeys wrote: »

OP, are you honestly claiming that you didn't know that your weight was higher than average? Where/how did you get your clothes? Did the sizes not give you a clue?

Yes, that. Not wishing to sound rude, OP, but even if no one teased or bullied you or really commented on your weight, were you not at least aware that you were big even if you didn't personally see it as a problem? You mentioned you couldn't keep up in PE and couldn't run - you honestly never compared yourself to the other kids and considered your weight might contribute to those issues?

As a teenager I was constantly comparing myself, often unfavourably, to my peers. I wasn't good at sports or PE, but not due to my weight. If I'd noticed I was much bigger than many of my classmates I'd have certainly felt something - not sure if it would have been shame, embarrassment or what, but something. Enough to mention it to my mother, I suspect.

Anna_137

When I was a teenager my dad used to call me fat and make fun of my weight constantly. It makes me really sad looking at old photos because I actually looked normal and healthy but at the time I felt like I was huge. Now I'm an overweight adult. I don't need anyone to tell me I'm overweight. I'm not a moron... I do buy my own clothes.

My mum is overweight and a few years ago the doctor weighed her and told her she was obese . She was really dramatic like"why did no one tell me I was so overweight! I can't believe it!". She was actually cross with us for not telling her. She's always been a little crazy though. That was 5 years ago and she's not lost any weight so...

Alatariel75

At 5'6 and 180, you'd have been overweight but not obese. I think calling people out on their weight, especially young people, is a very slippery slope with just as much (if not more) potential for harm than good. Where your weight might have been high, but not dangerously so, I'd have definitely erred on the side of caution and not made a big deal of it.